Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[Vanilla]

Sara

I will rest the self care issue for a short while whilst I reform my thoughts on a new post.

This post to you is about anger.

Your WH is saying to you that you are angry and that you have serious anger issues. This has merit in your eyes. And you wisH to take action.

Well, lovely one, he would say that wouldn't He!

You have plenty to be angry about, truly you do. Righteous anger is a great thing.

Go ahead get angry, get it out.

WH has every right to his view, and if you are angry be angry. Get good and white angry at the things he has done. Honey, don't reign it in, lay it outo, let it out.

Not in an uncontrolled red angry way, with blooded eyes and hammer in hand. But in a my man just diD me wrong way.

I wish I had that anger, it will move you forward, motivate you.

He is entitled to his view and in my view if he thinks you have no cause, he is delusional. He is lucky you didn't hit him over the head with a frying pan whilst poking his eyes out with a red hot poker. There are some who would.

Who says that your anger should be tamed? It is your issue to handle sure, get good and mad. Use that lovely anger to motivate you to move forward. Heck plow it into self care and moving to the pain too.

You can say, I am very angry with your behaviour right now and I think I have every reason. I am going to use my anger to motivate change for myself.

Bottling this is like keeping petrol near a fire, the store gets bigger.

Most of us work from one prime emotion with a secondary one. Mine is fear tinged with sadness. Yours is likely fear tinged with anger.

Please do not be afraid to be angry, use the energy to go for a run, lift weights, paint the garage, build a chicken taj mahal, build your buisess. Direct it, use it, lovely directive white anger.

You have no control over how he sees you, if all he can say is you get angry when you have cause, that his view. You have no control over it.

Let's say your WH stated that he had the mistaken view you have blue hair (Marge).

Clearly that's a delusion or he is gaslighting you.

So what do you say?

Honey I accept that you think I have blue hair, that's your right. I allow you to have your mistaken belief that I have blue hair and it's ok you think that way. I have no control over it.

He then tells the therapist "I don't want to stay with her because she has blue hair and that's why I cheat. Blame the ugly blue hair"

You go duh! He is delusional and that isn't the true reason, he wants to be wayward and blame it on me.

You look in the mirror and suddenly you say "you know in some lights my hair does look blue, maybe I should visit a hair dresser and get this blue tinge modified. Maybe I should look at my diet, perhaps I eat too many blueberries, or is it the blue icing on that birthday cake. I know it's dye from the pillows I bought."

Now suppose you are a brunette and replace blue with brown.

Yes WH I am a brunette and I like being one, or do you go die your hair blue?

This WH has behaved very wayward lying, cheating, gaslighting, dipping his nethers in the shallow end of the pond, no regard for the health of the mother of his children, leading you to think he wanto to change when he doesn't, wanting his cake and eating it. And now doesn't like you being angry? I bet he doesnt want you to use white anger to enforce boundaries for him. It's just further control, to pretzel your emotions, the emotionsame you are allowed to have, to feel and to use in any way you so choose to push yourself forward.

There are different sorts of anger, anger is best pure without revenge or malice. Directed forcing anger. Part of the Kubler Ross cycle and however brief inevitable. It's delicious use it to propel you to action however you so choose. It's a very great gift.

V

[Surfer]

Hey Sara,

Vanilla has a different take on this sort of stuff to me. But I really like reading her view points in particular about anger.

I think my primary emotions are happiness and fear. Perhaps that's when I read about anger it is alien to me. Your H might not identify with anger - IDK at all, just presuming.

I know this, my W would rage and rage. She did today (see thread), I could just see a monster. Saying and doing things that only a monster would say or do. That brought fear for me. "Who is this, what is this thing"? Totally had no idea. I handle it differently now.You see whilst my W still struggles occasionally with her Anger, I have learned to deal with it. It's an issue that you both need to deal with. The person with Anger needs to recognise triggers and change the 'habit' (and it is a habit), by replacing it with another way, and the spouse needs to be careful to avoid the triggers - but if the angry spouse is being unreasonable use validation and boundaries to protect themselves (and their children).

Just me thoughts. IDK if I am right. It's just what I have observed and how I have dealt with it so far.

The self care thing is important. Did you not use to run I seem to recall? This really helps with anger.

BTW, the 12 month thing. I love the goal setting but I am not sure it works that way. Trying to end the pain with a goal is a bit 'lofty' IMHO. You will be 'done' only when you are done. No clock will predict that point in time - if you ever reach it. My advice is don't consciously give up. Instead detach consciously. We all struggle with detachment the most - out of all the techniques. We all spin at times. You have been spinning. Focus on calming your mind and GAL for now. As Vanilla says, perhaps you need some self care - something to recharge you.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Surfer

Rage is Red Anger.

The purest emotion unhinged is white, so white anger, white happiness, white sadness.

So if

You are angry you are angry, then that's red, it's rage.

You are sad you are angry, then that's blue, it's self destruct generally inwards.

You are disgusted you are angry, then that's green, it's tantrum and mess.

You are happy you are angry, then that's yellow, it's directive and compulsive, self willed. Manic even.

Etc

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Anger can be outward focused, throw things, burn the house, kick the cat, determined, action orientated. Or inward focused, binging, compulsions, addictions........

It has a 'volume' button too. Gets turned up in the presence of substances, alcohol etc

Some like an audience with their anger, others go pound the trend mill.

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White anger is just the emotion and it can be observed. Like a sleeping snow leopard just observed. Then it can be channelled to great action.

Zues is the master at this, in his pool games he uses his anger to achieve.

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It's all self mastery.

Sounds like you have this one in the bag already Surfer.

V

[Surfer]

Thanks V.

I seem to have learned to control my anger. I don't often get angry, but when I do I show it. I used to let others get to me but now less so and certainly very, very rare for anyone to 'make' me angry.

Interesting stuff this though V - thanks.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

My apologies for the delayed responses, I've been looking at houses to buy (rent for now) and also buried in work.

Today I woke at 4 am with vomiting and diarrhea non-stop. I had to go to work so I could discharge some patients but then came home immediately afterward. WH took me to work and brought me home. I thanked him for this and he responded, "This is nothing, you took me in for my kidney stones and that was a much more difficult thing for you." He is talking about the fact that I took him to the ER 2 days after I found out about the affair. I stayed with him the whole time and even diagnosed him. (the docs were saying there was no kidney stone, I pulled up his CT scan and found a HUGE stone in his ureter, they were massively embarrassed) The girl's night out is not going to happen for me tonight as I am still VERY sick.

Otherwise I have been living with him as a roommate. No R or M talks, he sometimes temp checks asking me what I am thinking or feeling but I don't give much of a response, just "Nothing." or "I'm fine." I just don't have any energy left for him. My coach feels it's a good thing if I don't even argue if WH brings up his feelings or thoughts, just agree with them. I completely okay with that. If he says he was deeply in love with OW or whatever, just agree. I am so numb right now that will be easy.

The nightmares have returned and I usually wake around 4 am and can't get back to sleep. These are the times when the anger chokes me and I want to punch WH in the face. Interestingly enough when I get up and get ready for the day this feeling leaves, I go back to numbness. When we are spending time with the kids together I feel like I am looking at a neighbor or something, just kind of "meh." I am starting to picture a future without him and it's not causing the deep amount of pain as before.

I have an IC session this Thursday (if my stomach starts behaving) and will focus on healing myself and moving forward.

V,
I am re-reading your posts and trying to learn from them. My problem with anger is more about my actions when I am angry. I grew up in a violent household and my childhood memories are ones filled with fear and sadness. When I become very angry I tend to regress and start punching walls and stuff. I had refrained from that until the Affair happened and I have regressed considerably, I actually fractured my hand last year because of this. This is unacceptable, I need to be able to feel my anger without becoming violent. My children deserve MUCH better than this.

Surfer,
I used to run but now it's become extremely challenging to find the time. I will look at my schedule and try to move some things around because physical work outs are fantastic mood stabilizers. In the meantime I will be scheduling a massage to help with my neck pain.

[ForGump]

Ever tried martial arts?

[BluWave]

(((Sara))) I have noticed that you are very hard on yourself. It takes one to know one :-) I imagine this has served you well and behind it is the motivation that has led to your success. In the hard times tho, it must be torturous. So there is pain and thus the anger. On top of that you are hard on yourself for how you are handling it and stuck in a negative loop.

Your H has caused so much of this hurt. Perhaps instead of trying to control the anger, find outlets to let it out that make you feel good. Meaning, instead of DBing (which you have already mastered) think about how you express the anger that makes YOU feel good about it or proud, with zero consideration to what he will think. Can you do that? Maybe it's a new 180 for you?

I think the DB process and monitoring if it's working just adds more pressure to you and keeps him in control. Just my thoughts.

I can get fired up easliy and also express my anger in ways that I later regret. I am most proud when I can keep my poker face on, exit a situation, give myself time before responding, and then in a simple and matter of fact way tell the person how I feel in as few words as possible, and with little emotion in it. It's so hard for me to do, but when I can, I feel sooo good about myself. I try and remember that feeling of accomplishment.

Blu

[JksD]

Sara, I know the anger you're talking about. I come from a violent and angry background too. My experience has scarred me for life and there are times when I lose myself to the anger I so abhor. I dont punch walls but I do slap my palms or knuckles on the table or slam doors.

When I dont manifest my anger physically, I let it loose in cutting remarks. And always, after these red rages as V would call them, I regret my actions.

So I really do understand when you say you need to work on your anger. We're talking about the incredible hulk kind of rage. The kind that makes you lose control.

Funny thing is, professionally, I have learnt to manage my anger so they seldom become red rages. Personally, I am so hooked into the red rages that I can go from 0 to 100% steaming hot in seconds.

The best that I can come up with is that professionally, I am more aware of my emotions. I monitor and recognise my emotions. The moment I recognise my symptoms of anger, or the triggers, I know that I am going to get angry soon. It seems that this extra step of awareness and acknowledgement gives me that extra time between the emotion and a knee-jerk reaction.

I must remember to do the same in my personal life.

What works for you professionally? You can probably use the same skills in your personal life.

[JksD]

Btw, about the houses. Are you in a hurry to buy or rent one?

I am looking at the worst- case scenario but how would it affect you financially if your h bailed on the M?

[Vanilla]

Sara

I am the most peaceful person, with very little anger, it isn't my go too.

This stuff you are experiencing will try a saint, and even V had her shadow part called screaming banshee.

Know this it is REACTIVE anger and SITUATIONAL anger. In the way you describe it is abuse and it can stop.

There is quite a bit on the abuse thread about this reaction.

There are some discussions on other threads about this, I will link for you separately. Some thoughts on flooding too.

I believe the origin of the anger you feel is in childhood and like Dorey it is brave of you to open up about this, it is your FOO, at some point, I suggest digging deep to examine it, for this a counsellor can help one who specialises in childhood trauma.

Some FOO is very readily healed, it is never ever the childs fault or responsibility. Not ever, not once, for the behaviour of the adults around them. Children are never to blame for it, the anger in the childs life (your childhood) correctly belongs to others and can be given back where it belongs. That lonely, hurt, angry and thwarted child needs TLC and love and hugs and soothing and protecting. I have no doubt whatsoever that sadness and frustration of a violent and hostile childhood home creates trauma. Some of that trauma is like being in a war zone, children have no control and it's unfair and damaging. Truly truly awful to grow up in that way. I could go really hurt the parents and adults who allowed that to happen to the precious little bundle called Sara.

These traumas are called ACES (Adverse Childood Experiences) and the more you have in childhood then the worse the trauma and health outcome (There is a test you can do on ACES- Google ACES high). Let me tell you that the predisposition is in my opinion not your fault. Not ever, not once and you have been very sorely tested in your M. Really and truly.

You say it has to stop then it can be.

Sara, let me once again discuss extreme care with you, looking after you and that wonderful little Sara who is within you who had such a tough time when she was young. She and you need extra special care, extra things to build you up and to move you to healing.

I am going to suggest:

This will mean calling on your caring support team, good safe friends who can be there during your medical treatment for the virus.

An uber intensive nutritional plan, food high in nutrition (I chose the Eat Glow Nourish method), and there are lots out there to choose from, supplements, juices etc. Blood tests for nutritional numbers, hormonal numbers and for parasites.

Gentle exercise and perhaps massage, pampering, hair, skin, nails, sauna etc. Whatever it is that appeals.

Rest and great sleep, help on that if needs be, a peaceful bed time, music, candles, new bed linen. Even a few nights away with friends and a health farm. Whatever you need.

Some quality healing time with family and friends.

This every day and intensive.

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Sweet Sara wrap yourself in your own love, hold yourself very dear and let your higher power heal you and lovely little Sara within you.

Please understand that once that self love and self care starts to flow into your spirit that anger will be white. I think your red anger arises because you feel angry you are angry. It hurts to be angry and that anger and frustration you turn against the wall or door injuring yourself. It's ok to direct that anger against those who in your childhood did not protect you, you as an adult can protect you.

What would you say to those unfeeling adults who directed their anger towards a child? An innocent child with no way of holding her own against brutality. What would you do? You would stop that awfulness, you would tell that wonderful gift of Sara, these adults will never do that to you again. You would say I can and will protect you little Sara and once again over and over until you know it. You would look at that child with love and joy to say Little Sara despite all, you are an adult, a success, with a career, and delightful children of your own. Little Sara you were strong and have stopped this awful abuse from moving to another generation, it was hard, and you protected and loved your children in all the ways that were denied you as a child.

Little Sara you became a wonderful mother and tender and kind to your children and you have compassion for yourself. You learned, you grew and you became the one.

That is what I see in you.

Big big hugs

V