Hang in there bsb. Maybe we are too impatient and not giving them enough time to actually pursue us, or maybe we do need to get to a point where we don't hope for them to come back. I certainly don't have the answers, but I know that we are all worthy of love and respect and we have to remember that to get through this.
Glad you got to spend some time with friends and even better that it made you feel a bit better!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
I know everyone says time is on our side but it just seems my wife is still set on moving forward as fast as she can. She made comments like the worst is over and she's moving on. It hurts to hear that from someone who said they loved you and just married you. She acts fine. A week ago she was telling me how sad and hurt she is.
There isnt anything left as far as her personal items. Just our marital assets which isn't much. She wants to come back to house to make sure. I have looked and put the few items in the garage and said she can come pick them up without seeing me. There isn't anything inside but she keeps saying she wants back in to look around. I don't really want to see her right unless she wants to work on things. The thought of her walking through that front door for the last time again gives me panic attacks. I don't want that pain right now. Is this wrong to do??
I mentioned in my last post I finally responded when she started texting again yesterday. First thing she said was I'm being immature for not answering. Yet she did it to me for months!!!! I was nice but short and to the point in my response.. She really hasn't asked any questions of what I've been up to. All business when she reaches out. I feel like that is bad?
Maybe I'm wrong and doing the wrong thing?! Thoughts??
I would imagine that the problems in the marriage didn't arise overnight, and you can't expect changes in a positive direction overnight either. You are doing well if you are keeping your responses short and brief - just vent on here.
Something someone once told me that has helped me sort of understand the WAS - imagine you are hungry, starving even... All you can think about is getting something to eat, even eating a gross fast food meal can taste like heaven.
This is often the obsession and focus that a WAS has - the "starving" desire to change, and almost nothing else is going to matter to them until they get what they want. So, wondering, hoping, thinking, trying to figure them out - all pretty much pointless.
Keep focusing on you feeling better. Keep working out, seeing friends. Those "feel better" moments will come more often and last longer.
If there is nothing of hers, she knows it. She wants to keep you on the rope with all this unnecessary contact. She is temp checking. It's a good thing. I wouldn't bite unless it's legitimate reason.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I can't win for losing!! She text sayin how immature I am for not answering her calls or texts the last two days.
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I would like to think that but all she talks about is separating our things and getting this over with. She asked for a list of things I want and all I said was ok. She didn't try to pursue or ask where I'm at. (She asked again if she could come over and go through the house and I said I was out of town). Normally it would drive her crazy not knowing where I'm at but she didn't even ask. No emotions towards me except maybe frustration.
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I know everyone says time is on our side but it just seems my wife is still set on moving forward as fast as she can. She made comments like the worst is over and she's moving on. It hurts to hear that from someone who said they loved you and just married you. She acts fine. A week ago she was telling me how sad and hurt she is.
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She really hasn't asked any questions of what I've been up to. All business when she reaches out. I feel like that is bad?
Your WAW is on a roller coaster ride. She is on her own journey. She is throwing a massive tantrum. She is angry with you because she isn't happy and it's all your fault. She believes you are the source of her unhappiness so she wants to go where the grass is greener, but it isn't that easy because she's in pain, so even when she leaves that's your fault too.
All in all, she is a crazy person.
We say to detach and believe none of what they say, yet every one of those quotes is you continuing to try to measure or evaluate whether or not your WAW is showing signs of regret, and you are doing it based on spew and emotional outlashes that you should be dismissing altogether.
For the next 60-90 days your goals should involve YOU. Stop measuring her, stop obsessing about whether she seemed to be curious about why you didn't answer a phone call, STOP IT.
Instead focus on YOU. Your goals should be about not reacting emotionally to her tantrums. Not temp checking her in your mind constantly. Not responding to her bs spew. Create more distance. I'm not talking physical, I'm talking emotional. You are still way too attached if every time she sends a text it rocks your day. It's time you start to sit with the possibility that this might not work out, and start to accept that in your heart and be ok with it, because you can't control her back, and your neediness only is gasoline for her crazy fire. She's on her own journey now, you need to start yours which is about taking care of yourself and finding some peace in your life even with this loss.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I think I have done ok with my limited responses back to her and I haven't reached out first since I saw her a week ago. It just doesn't seem to phase her at all and might even be helping her move on... I know there's nothing else I can do at this point but to keep to myself. I have another counseling season tomorrow and I will bring all this up.
I agree 100% that I have to work a lot harder on not letting her get to me!! Her actions still cause a lot of emotions for me and she probably still knows that. I have to get better at just brushing it all off. We will see what happens next...
I really appreciate everyone on here and I continue to want any advice good or bad!
I think I have done ok with my limited responses back to her and I haven't reached out first since I saw her a week ago. It just doesn't seem to phase her at all and might even be helping her move on...
I wasn't talking about your responses. I was talking about the fact that you seem to be doing this to get a reaction from her (attachment), instead of doing it to give yourself some space without her (detachment).
It's all good. Be well.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Dude, you are spinning. You have to change your whole approach. Avoiding contact is for YOU, not for HER. You have to heal, and boy do you have some healing to do. This is nothing personal aimed at you, I just know how you feel. We've all been there. You are looking frantically for that silver bullet, that one action or word that's going to "fix" this. News flash, there is no silver bullet. And the sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be on you. We all have had to come to terms with it. Some were stubborn and it took them longer. Nothing wrong with it, we all have our own pace. We all thought our spouses were different and they wold just snap out of it. The vast majority of us were wrong.
And another thing, do not presume you know what she is thinking, hell you can't even trust what she is saying, and mind reading is a totally futile exercise. I know you are watching her every move and your mood swings wildly, your mind is going into overdrive. STOP! Please be aware the situation will likely deteriorate, before it gets better.
No hard feelings at all! I need to hear the truth sometimes!
Yes I do have a lot of healing still. I know I'm still in shock this is all happening and I still miss her so much. I cried again this morning when I woke up. My mind wonders too much and I'm trying to shut it off. I haven't said this before but I work with her father in a small business so there is no getting away from it all. We are good at work but when I see him it makes me think of her. Its terrible!!
If she files it may change my outlook. I'm just in limbo right now.
