Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
roist #2739466 04/18/17 04:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Roist,

Thanks for continuing to post 2 years!!! You are a very patient and resilient man. It is inspiring.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2739483 04/18/17 06:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Roist - though you say your sitch has not changed that much, I can say I have seen much growth in you.

There is a peace and a calm about you. It resonates when you write that you know in the long run you can see yourself happy w/your wife and happy w/out her.

Keep on trudging forward, marching toward the best possible you!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2744961 05/29/17 01:07 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Every now and then I have periods where I have had enough of limbo. I want more than my W can give. Usually I bounce back relatively quickly and continue trudging along focusing on other stuff.

My W is a great mother and a good housewife. That is great and I show/express my appreciation/gratitude for that on an on going basis. It is important to focus on the good stuff we have in our lives as many of us focus too much on what is missing. I wholeheartedly believe that is the way to live. BUT for me the part that is missing is important too in a normal healthy R. So at times I don't want to continue living like this.

At the moment I am going through one of those times. I can hear foreveryoung telling me to follow Michelles advice and tell my W I will not continue living this way indefinitely. Heck I was close to doing that this weekend. Maybe it is my path, but I wasn't in a good place so I preferred to let my mind settle.

I can see improvement in my W in many aspects of her life. She is restarting doing more stuff, being creative, expressing positively about smells/sights/memories/activities. I understand that our R is often the last piece to improve, so I should dig deeper for patience.

These down phases are fewer and farther apart than earlieriin my situation. But each time I go through them I feel bad for being in this situation without any better solutions than the previous time. I need to explore that more.

I think I got comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I miss my friend Zephyr who used to post in newcomers. His W never left either and he was ahead of me with respect to timeframe.I respected and appreciated his input as it came from someone walking a very similar path.

Normally I can keep my emotions guarded but I admit this weekend I was distant and didn't care to hide it.

So I am sharing my thoughts here as often just expressing them is enough for me to recenter myself. I believe it is possible to live a fairly full life within a marriage crisis, but maybe I am not strong enough to do so. I acknowledge I have done fairly well but still.

One thing that strikes me writing these words is that I have sat here writing such words several times before. At these times I am having an internal struggle between LBS and WAS thoughts. Having WAS thoughts helps me have empathy for her and her demons.

Thanks for listening. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Best wishes fellow DBers


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2744962 05/29/17 03:03 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Roist, sorry this weekend is a tough one. It's really helpful not to make big decisions when you are finding things tough. Let a little time pass and let yourself settle, then you can see where you are at.

I have never walked in your shoes - my XH veritably sprinted out of our marriage, so I haven't experienced the 'trudging along' as you describe it. It must be hard and I think it is the right thing to do to dig deep - particularly when you are a long time married and have children and property together. So, I don't think you will come to regret the struggle and the standing.

FWIW, I think you do fantastically well - and your 'fairly well' below understates things. We should not under estimate the effort needed to try and sustain a relationship during times like these - when we are hard wired for connection and we so crave it.

I don't have any answers better than this. But I do think if you operate from your most thoughtful and persistent self, and act in accordance with your values, you can never go too far wrong.

Best of luck from one of your fan base smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
roist #2745000 05/29/17 10:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Roost,

Oh my, you are human! You are always so encouraging to me and so focused on the positive if it of course inspiring.

Okay, you are having a down moment or detour, that's fine. You are acknowledging it and dealing with it like a mature human being.

You have been on this road a long, long time. Onky you know your situation and when you have had enough. But as has already been said, don't make any snap or emotional decisions. You owe that to yourself.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2745031 05/29/17 01:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
I have been thinking/wanting to reply on your thread based on your question.

I have had a down 2 months ago and haven't been able to recover from it. It was mainly fuelled from a picture which I accidentally saw. W had sent a picture with her and OM to MIL. It was OM's birthday. Just a picture in a coffee shop. I didn't confront her about it. She doesn't know I have seen it. Nevertheless, it was bugging me. Was feeling just like how you are feeling for almost 2 months. So once we had an argument back in February, she moved to another room. Now insist that I should move to our other house which just got out of rent. I feel horrible. I am resisting to move and I am telling her that. Well she is saying it would be her to move with the Ds. I am chasing for repairs of the flat as it needs work. You know what that feels like digging your own grave. We all will be out abroad for 6 weeks. She will be at a course for 5 weeks. I will be working from abroad. And the Ds will be either at camp or with me. Once we get back, she wants me out.

What I am trying to say is that with long limbo time like ours, it feels that the WW is looking for the window to run away. Don't give her that chance.

The WAS can't find the connection. Happy to continue as a non-sex marriage. Enjoy the changes they have seen of the DBer but as it doesn't click nothing happens.

Possibly the DBer is busy with GAL activities, keeping his hopes low and getting prepared for the unwanted or wanted. Regarding the unwanted outcome, DBer has worked on him/herself so feelings of desperation are low. I have seen people even using dating sites. If the wanted outcome is there, then the marriage is resorted.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
WillDo #2745066 05/30/17 12:06 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Sotto. Thank you for your comments. There is many a wise word in your response. I am not sure how I feel about having fans but I do appreciate your support.

Gordie. Sorry to break the illusion that I am a DB machine!! I am very much human and my M crisis is on going as are my own struggles. At this stage any decision I make could not be considered snap/rash. But I agree it is better to settle the mind before deciding any major decisions.Feelings are good guides in life but make lousy drivers. They indicate if you are on the right path or not but are very fickle in determining a new path. Thank you for sharing your thoughts

Willdo, I will drop back to your thread when I get a chance. Our timeframes are similar though it appears our situations differ. I hear your pain and understand your struggle. Thanks for your support


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2745076 05/30/17 05:19 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
{{{{{{{Roist}}}}}}}

Just popping in to say sending support your way and hugs xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
bttrfly #2745297 06/01/17 01:11 AM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
roist Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Thanks btrfly. Appreciate the support and hugs.

Mood update: I am not high but I have bounced back. I have always been clear that this isn't how I want to live indefinitely. I admire those who have absolute resolution that they will stick it out regardless for however long it takes. That attitude will surely help them, but I believe we should not want to save our M at any cost. Standing any which way can be more damaging to the lbs than losing their spouse. I guess these low moments allow me to assess that and determine what is best for me.

So I will follow my chosen path for another while. I said last year that I would read SSM by Michelle. Yesterday I ordered it and another similar one specifically for men in my situation. I never read this because I believed my W wanted out and not just to stop any connection with me, so I wasn't sure if it fitted our situation. But it is something else to tick off my tried list.

I have read the 4 stages outlined on this forum. I have probably done some of what is outlined, so I imagine I will shorten some of the time lines especially on working on me. That being said it will do no harm to revisit that. Until I read the book I don't know, but I envisage giving myself a few months to follow the principles and should be well into the getting her on board phase when I hit my Third anniversary of when I decided to save my.M. let's see how I feel then.

Thanks for following

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2745300 06/01/17 02:44 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
Cheeseless Tunnel. I am struggling to know what to change. I think that is what you are trying to do.See what else can be tried. I find myself focusing on W and OM. Whereas these days I read re-read (and thanks for your comments) my thread. I need to focus on my Ds. The dilemma is separation takes that away from me.

I hope your relationship with your Ss is strong.

And you will have a more constructive dialogue with your W.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard