I've been lurking on the community boards for months but this is my first post.
It all started last December, about a year ago when I found my husband texting another girl while away on vacation. When I questioned him about it, he said she was just a friend but a couple days later started talking about wanting more freedom and potentially exploring other relationships. I broke down and asked him more about these doubts and to stop contact with this OW. He first said he will "dial it back" but that she is an important part of his life and he doesn't want to stop communication. I said if he's able to do that, that's fine and that there's nothing wrong with having female friends but we need to be cognisant of how much a part of our lives they become.
Over the next few months, I saw a lot of passive aggressive behavior out of him (coming home late after having too many drinks, not answering phone calls when he was out with friends, hanging out with the OW and other friends till 6am etc.) I got increasingly worried and asked him to see a counselor and also asked that we start marriage counselling. He started IC in April and continued wanting space, alone time and distancing himself from me. He was communicative but distant at that point when I asked him about the counseling and how it was going. I'm sorry to say this but this was before I knew about DB and I remember asking for reassurances, begging, pleading for him to get over these doubts and reengage in the relationship.
July came along and he was done with his IC but at that point announced that he had realised through counseling that he was living a life on auto pilot and that he was a people pleaser all his life. He'd therefore not stood up for himself and his needs and put my needs ahead of his and now he doesn't feel it anymore. He didn't want to go through marriage counselling and he was done. At this point, I was an emotional wreck and so told him I need to spend some time with family and went home for a few weeks. I hardly heard from him during this time..
When I got back in early September, he was ready with a speech about how we'd been growing apart for years and that we got married way too young. And then it was about how we're just friends and nothing else. I have to admit the sexual relationship had faded significantly over the last year and a half.
He also talked about how he was witness to emotional abuse from between his grandmother and mother and didn't stand up for her at that point. He said he's moving out. I'd talk to a DB coach thankfully by this time and so said I'd really like it if you stayed and worked on this relationship but I'll let you go if that is what you think you need.
He's been gone now for ten weeks and we have seen each other three times in that time. Each time, he's "wanted to talk" and come over and by now I'd also gotten a relationship counsellor so understood that I needed to let go of expectations and validate his emotions. So I did that...but each time as he was leaving, he'd say but we're done. Last time he was here he mentioned having spoken to a lawyer.
He messaged me two days ago and said he wants to talk about the splitting of assets and so we're meeting this weekend to do that. I'm scared and lonely but trying to focus on self love and unconditional love towards him without expectations.
Please send me your thoughts on whether I'm dealing with an MLCer or WAH and whether the way to get him recommitted to the relationship is the same either way?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi, AAN! You've come to a great place where you will find awesome help and even better people!
Sorry that you are in this mess. It's not an easy thing to go through. My situation from the time of her asking for divorce to the actual divorce was roughly 1.5 years. A long time of hell. In it, an EA was found early on, which turned to a full-blown PA - even after confronting about it. Lies on top of lies. But that's a different story.
I'm going to get straight to the point, because there are some flags popping up.
Quote:
found my husband texting another girl while away on vacation. When I questioned him about it, he said she was just a friend but a couple days later started talking about wanting more freedom and potentially exploring other relationships. I broke down and asked him more about these doubts and to stop contact with this OW. He first said he will "dial it back" but that she is an important part of his life and he doesn't want to stop communication
Classic. My bet is that there is more than an EA. And the reason is for this:
Quote:
coming home late after having too many drinks, not answering phone calls when he was out with friends, hanging out with the OW and other friends till 6am
How do you know he was with "friends" and the OW?
Quote:
about how we're just friends and nothing else.
Mine did the same thing. Exact. I do believe it was part of her justification for the affair.
I'm sorry that you are in such a scary place. It's terrifying.
Quote:
I'm scared and lonely but trying to focus on self love and unconditional love towards him without expectations.
Focusing on yourself and loving yourself is the best thing you can do. I'm not sure about your "without expectations" comment means. Its OK to love him, but to love yourself and your focusing on your self worth doesn't mean accepting his behavior. But the thing you must remember is that none of this is your fault - NONE...even though he may try to place the blame on you if he already hasn't.
He is on his own road that he must travel now, and unfortunately, that road only has room for him. Whether that road will lead back to you depends on what path he takes. There really isn't anything we can do - and nothing that will make them wake up and say "I made a mistake."
The road ahead isn't easy. But it will get easier over time. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. You're familiar with the GAL activities and such. There is a lot of great advice on here, which I'm sure that you are aware of. I know its hard. It was - and still is for me - even after a year and a half...and being divorced now.
We are here for you, don't ever forget it!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Thank you! I'll be reading and re-reading the links Cadet!
Jeep74, I'm sorry to hear about your situation! Why did the divorce process drag on that long?
Re: the EA, I've really been asking our friends (because she's friends with a lot of our friends) about whether my H is hanging with her and they seem to think that nothing is going on now (could be because OW is scared of her reputation amongst our circle of friends?)
We're currently expats living in Asia and in order for me to move on, I'd have to move back to the States. I'm thinking of seeing how things go for the next three to four months and then move since I'm living in a proper limbo - dependent on my husband financially and even for a visa to live here! Do you think this would lower the probability of H trying to walk back and recommit? How would he interpret my actions? "Oh she's moved on, I shouldn't even try or she's moved but there's still a chance?"
Jeep74, I'm sorry to hear about your situation! Why did the divorce process drag on that long?
It was - what - over a year and a half from bomb-drop to paper signings. Maybe I stated that wrong, and if so, I apologize. We went through every thing - counseling, both MC and IC, separation, etc. I'm not sure why it took so long. I fought with everything I could and stalled until I finally filed a few months ago.
Quote:
Re: the EA, I've really been asking our friends (because she's friends with a lot of our friends) about whether my H is hanging with her and they seem to think that nothing is going on now (could be because OW is scared of her reputation amongst our circle of friends?)
Sorry, but that might not have been the best move. If she is friends with your friends, what's to say they won't cover for her? Or maybe they truly have no idea. I say this because our circle had NO IDEA my ex was cheating. None. And what you've done by asking is given them warning that you are on to them, therefore driving them deeper and deeper down the hole, where any and all tracks are covered so well you may not find anything.
Quote:
Do you think this would lower the probability of H trying to walk back and recommit? How would he interpret my actions? "Oh she's moved on, I shouldn't even try or she's moved but there's still a chance?"
That is a tough question to answer. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and not worry about what he will/will not do. Do what's best for you. You can't worry about the future - none of use are psychics and can see. I know, an easy thing to say but hard to do. I say, because I've been there. But as long as the OW is even remotely in the picture, you won't be. Sorry if that is blunt, but it is what it is.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself and not worry about what he will/will not do. Do what's best for you. You can't worry about the future - none of use are psychics and can see. I know, an easy thing to say but hard to do. I say, because I've been there. But as long as the OW is even remotely in the picture, you won't be.
Exactly
You make the changes for YOU, not to get him back!
What I don't understand is that till this time last year I was his partner in crime, his rock - these are the words he would use to describe me! All our friends thought he adored me and I'm pretty sure they'd fall off their seats if they heard what's been going on! How can something like this happen so suddenly and change him so completely!? Did I even know who I had been married to? Was he pretending this whole time? Did he confuse love with attachment or commitment with neediness?
I'm not saying I haven't been at fault also, not by a long shot, and am changing to be a better spouse going forward whether it be him or someone else but I can't help but try to understand what's been going through his mind. Is he not thinking along these lines? What does it take for someone who has been with a partner for 14 years to just walk away without even trying?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
What I don't understand is that till this time last year I was his partner in crime, his rock - these are the words he would use to describe me! All our friends thought he adored me and I'm pretty sure they'd fall off their seats if they heard what's been going on! How can something like this happen so suddenly and change him so completely!? Did I even know who I had been married to? Was he pretending this whole time? Did he confuse love with attachment or commitment with neediness?
That could be used to describe my marriage. Only a select few know of my ex's affair and it floored them. If it got to her family I'd have to send the pics to prove it!
My bet is that it didn't happen as suddenly as you think - that it's actually been going on for quite some time. Things don't change overnight. Unless it was a sham from the start, it took time to break down.
Quote:
I'm not saying I haven't been at fault also, not by a long shot, and am changing to be a better spouse going forward whether it be him or someone else but I can't help but try to understand what's been going through his mind. Is he not thinking along these lines? What does it take for someone who has been with a partner for 14 years to just walk away without even trying?
You can't read his mind, so don't drive yourself crazy trying. No matter how much you play it out in your head, you can bet it isn't what you think. How do I know this? Because I did the same thing for over a year since BD to divorce.
I'm sorry, but as its been said before - as long as the is another person in his life, he won't be thinking about you or the marriage. There are all sorts of reasons as to what makes one walk away from a good marriage. Let's face it, all marriages have problems. But for someone to walk away suggests much deeper problems. My ex is a perfect example...but her problems stemmed from childhood abuse. Your question as to what makes one walk away is, unfortunately, one only HE can answer. You can't make yourself sick over it. To keep thinking about it will do nothing but drive yourself crazy, and at the end of the day you will be right back at the starting line.
My suggestion is to not worry about him. You have much bigger fish to fry and that is to get yourself straight, which is what you seem to be doing. He's on his own road now and, unfortunately, it only has room for him...where it leads him is totally up to him and no one else. And you have to be prepared for that.
Take care of yourself, first. If he doesn't come to his senses then that's his loss, not yours. Don't beat yourself up because you have all that you know how to do - you have done the best you can, and you can't be faulted for that.
Fair winds and following seas, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You have been given some great advice. It's hard but try to follow it. None of the things they do make any sense right now and trust me if you try to make yourself understand it will drive you crazy! I know this by experience and I still have a hard time with it.
