Surfers LL Experiment - Part 1

[bsb]

I'm sorry about the Christmas memories. I've been avoiding it also and not sure if I'm getting them out this year.
Hang in there!! The kids will bring joy

[Surfer]

I have unpacked a lot of the Christmas things. It's hard. There's lots more to do. It's so sad. Missing your loved ones at this time of year.

[Surfer]

Bsb. Thanks for posting. I read your initial sitch. I am sorry for your loss and pain I I know that feeling too sadly. Many of us do here.

I am facing my demons and getting Christmas going. I have been one to run from my fears before. The fear of confrontation in an emotional way. It paralyses me to hear the tears of the ones I love. It terrifies me. I want to fix them but I can't. It leaves me helpless lost and frightened. I have learned though that to win in such difficult times you have to confront your fears. To face your demons. My current fear of Christmas, if not confronted, will become and omnipresent annual fear if if do not face it. I have therefore chosen to face it. Confront it. Deal with it and enjoy it. Yes I am hurting badly now. But that will go. I will make Christmas happy. I will focus on giving my love to my Children and my family and friends. Half way through the decorations. I will get there. Try not to fear it my friend. Do what you need to do to make it special. For you.

Surfer.

[SH_]

Surfer...you need to learn and practice daily the art of detatching...

We will chat soon....
You appear stuck in the same spot for much time...
There is progress to be had...
Seek out James Allen and Head belief versus heart beleif...

A man is the sum total of all that he thinks...and habitually says...actions are the building blocks of habits...
Which is getting more attention from you?

You sound to be focused on the sad, fear, and worry of all of this...
Where are your thoughts on the opportunities, new beginnings , and unconditional love you can provide for your family?

Heart belief versus Head belief...
Actions versus words...
Self care versus codependency...
Progress versus standing still...
The moment versus the fortune telling of the future...

Surfer...what actions and work are you doing to build yourself into a better, stronger emotionally healthy man?

Much lamenting still happening in your posts...
I challenge you to practice what you preach.
Much power in doing so...it shows heart beleif when you do.

My prayers and thoughts are with you that you may find peace and experience your awakening...so that you can create the man that not only a fool will walk away from, but the man that will attract that which he becomes.

[Surfer]

Thanks SH.

Pity party over. It's tricky. I am sure we all have these wobbles. Getting back in the Saddle. Gym-bound!

1st Christmas without W and kids here. Smashed through me like a juggernaut setting the house up.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

I went through a different sort of change in my past but can relate. When I converted to Islam I was suddenly faced with the fact that I had no Muslim family to spend my Eids with. Add to that I no longer celebrated the holidays that I previously celebrated and I was in a sort of no-mans-land. I'll be honest, I struggled to form my own traditions and only recently have been able to arrange my own traditions.

A friend of mine (who is Christian) had no local family to celebrate with. So he began the annual gingerbread house building party. He found quite a few of his friends either had no family or had family that was so toxic they might as well have no one. So he would have a slumber party at his house and they would all arrive and spend the night building gingerbread houses and well...drinking copious lubricant. :lol: Just an idea to get your brain a'rollin.

[J5K]

Vapo,

I found the bit on Family Time - sorry its taken a while. She says don't pursue 'family time' but if offered jump at it. Because:

- kids etc are the thing that keeps families together often
- FT remind the WS of what is important (obv. must be fun!!)
- AP can't have real FT as they are not a parent, they never will be
- doing more and more FT things brings you together
- forget cake eating on this

I hope that helps.

Surfer.

Surfer,

I agree with this.

[Surfer]

Thanks JimKao.

I think the times they offer family time is them taking a very small step towards the family. They often blame it on the kids needing to see you or them needing to call (this is like family time in a way) - but really they are trying to convince you of this. Deep down however, you know that they know that they 'could' block a child's suggestion of family time - "perhaps later" (child forgets), "that's not going to work today becuase" (child accepts). So ultimately all FT is driven by the spouse.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Tricky days are gone again. But oddly back - big W spew today!

Over the last few days I have had some really good chats with W and Kids on phone on speaker in the car (I was in my car driving). W phoned me which is good.

Been GAL, out with friends on Friday, Christmas stuff and gym yesterday. Round to friends for dinner last night etc. Will go to gym and shops today.

We (me and W) need to sort things RE:Christmas. This W/end I had time to buy a tree, decorate and make the house like normal Christmas for the kids and me. It's been emotional but I am happy now. Big wobble though.

W advised she might want some special xmas things from the house. I said fine let me know. She didn't so I had to crack on and use my time wisely. Her lack of planning can't be my emergency. I often is however so this is my 180 (for me). No longer.

W said she needed some kids clothes yesterday I organised them as promised so she could collect this morning when dropping the kids. Got up extra early to finish tidying and finishing christmas decorations.

W arrived late - she would be late for work (again). Kids had the familiar (Mum's angry look but we are okay). W was behind them - on full spew mode. She saw the outside lights up, the kids came and were 'Wow Dad, this looks great'. W said I told you I wanted some things. I said yes, let me know what they are and I will sort them - you have not let me know yet. She said they are on the tree (now I am not sure if my wife has xray specs; she can not know - the tree is behind a wall....she has not seen the tree....) I say repeat, let me know what you need and I can sort that out. She is late and angry and the kids decide mummy is starting to rage and go upstairs out of the way. I am standing at the door. She says she is coming in to raid the tree. I say, that's not good for me right now as I need to get the kids to school. W starts to rage, I am coming round after work (to raid what she wants). I say look, I only had this weekend to get things sorted and I still don't know what you need. Can you let me know. W goes nuclear - I only had this weekend too.....(she has been out having fun with her friends, with them and their kids in fairness and will be 100% way off organised, no tree, decorations etc. she doesn't get on with things - making the house a home etc). I slowly close the door and say let's speak later. Like Jack Nicholson in the Shining her face appears at the letter box, red and angry. [Heeeeeere's Johnny!]. Kids its Mummy, Daddy had closed the door and I have your school bags he won't let me give you your school bags. I calmly open the door and say, can I have their bags please? She refuses and storms to the car (teenage mode). I follow her out calmly but she storms into the car and drives off in a rage (I hate to think of anyone pulling out in front of her - she is like the incredible hulk right now - she foams at the mouth goes red and looks possessed; she also looks like she has the strength of an army; weird).

I walk in and calmly talk to the kids. I explain, all is fine, mummy is just being a little ....(stressed, offer the kids - they have seen it before, many time sadly). We talk about the importance of being calm when others can not be and I explain that mummy is just sad and angry, she is not bad it's just anger and she needs to control this and calm down. I explain to them that its important to keep your cool when others are struggling but its all normal. S6 questions me putting up the decorations. I explain - being careful not to throw M under the bus. Kids get it and we talk about normal christmas stuff. D9 tells me I should feel proud of myself as I have made it look like christmas. They particularly like the disco light I bought. This is all I need to let me know I am doing the right thing.

Kids go into school happy - I tell them M will drop their bags. Didn't accept W's invite onto her roller coaster. I am proud of that at least and I feel at peace.

Excited about christmas now after my recent blip. I might have known this was coming actually. W is very disorganised, xmas will be a total shock for her, she will be a mess, she lacks the ability to deal with things I think (perhaps its the fog, she was always a 'meltdown' person though to some degree).

She has also been one that historically 'stages rages'. For example, she would want a big fall out before christmas so she could justify something (this year it could be not seeing kids, or doing something unreasonable, going away for christmas without them, blocking access). I am going to presume this won't happen and not mind read etc - but I am definitely going to lower my expectations of her.

W is not providing feedback in terms of christmas so I am going to plan it for us, traditional meal etc get me family here and also invite W and her family. I doubt she will be able to do this, so I will explain to her family that they don't need to if they feel uncomfortable etc. Kids will want them to come though.

I have texted W to say let me know what you need please and I will try to organise this.

Any comments of advice welcome.

Surfer.

[Ginger1]

The holidays sometimes bring out the worst in people, unfortunately.

I think you handled it very well, good job staying off her roller coaster.