The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

A school kid. Yes. But at the same time I am happy being on my own. My kids and hobbies are all I need. That's what I tell myself, anyway. Maybe another door will open.

A door that leads to someone who is just excited and happy. To someone who calls/texts first thing in the morning. Those are some of the things I missed in the marriage. It's the simple things - the simple kiss goodnight.

But for now, I'm fine where I am. I may or may not allow that door to be opened. Everything happens in due time. Will Harley open that door? Honestly, I don't know.

I've asked myself what if the ex tries to open that door again? And I always come back to it taking so much from her to even turn the handle. That's almost akin to making one's way through a marked minefield in the middle of night with only the moonlight to guide one.

But, I've also realized that I'm ok. For the first time in a long time, I'm OK. And maybe that's all I need. Sure, it would be great to have that door open again. I'm much, much stronger now and ready for the next day. The sun will always rise, its up to us how we view the day.

[Dawgs]

Nighttime is the worst. That's when the demons come out. Somehow I always end up staring at the ceiling, and it's always the same. No matter if someone is there or not. The handoff Friday night was great - in many ways she was her old self...touching, laughing, joking, and just carrying on like things never happened. That is the worst for me. Because I know that things won't ever come back or return to what they were. Yet it's times like that when I really miss her.

People always told me that it's not good to reminisce, but a wise man once told me that it's ok and to have feelings. I do believe that door will always remain open for her, even though I know deep down that she will never walk through it. I've done a lot of soul searching recently and come to realize that maybe we were better friends than anything else. But part of me will always love her. Sigh. It is what it is. I don't hate her any more, but feel sorry for her in that her mind is plagued by more demons than I could count. She's a good person. She really is...it's just that she can't get past some things. That door will always be open.

I'm still finding myself. And maybe that's what Harley Quinn is doing. We had a good talk Saturday night and she came out and said that she's coming because she must - that there are some questions that have been unsanswered for so long and that she wants to see. No expectations. Just to see. And that she missed me. However, she won't stay at the house because she won't be part of where the ex was...which is fine, so I got us a B&B roughly an hour or so away in a place we have been many times. I'm not sure if I'll ever turn the corner on relationships again, and she understands. But we have this history that's undeniable. I guess I have to find out, too.

[Dawgs]

I think there will always be pain. Always. One can't ever truly get over bad things that happen in marriages, and deep-down we all know it. There is all be something that sets off a feeling, whether it be missing or heartache or hatred. Always. We can never forget of unthink things.

That's me. I'm in a great place. I don't talk to my ex but only about the kids. However, we spent all day together yesterday. I must say that she was so much like her old self that it wasn't funny. I also extended the branch and let her know the door was open - and once again she declined to walk through it.

I know, some are asking how I can do that with Harley Quinn sitting on my other shoulder. That's both easy and tough to answer. I'm not even sure how to go there but to say that maybe if the ex wanted to try again that I'd say yes. I would - IF and only IF she truly got the counseling she needs...and let it work as intended. Yes, I would. My ceiling has all sorts of texture. I lost count last night.

Undeniably there is still a lot in the tank for the ex. And always will be. I won't even begin to say otherwise. As I have said so many times, I don't hold a lot of things against her - at least not any more. She is a product of her childhood - and its almost like, to some extent, that she is trapped within those confines. I still think about all the things my IC (who was also our MC) said even after I stopped going - that it's like she is stuck in her child-like survival ways.

However, at the same time, I realize that there isn't anything I can do. Our divorce is final and the only thing she shows towards our relationship is trying to remain friends...which is something we have never had trouble doing. I'm getting that gut feeling again that she is seeing someone else. It is what it is. Can't look back, only forward. But we can reminisce.

Part of me struggles with Harley Quinn looming. I told her that I'm not sure that I have anything in the tank to give her. I'm also not sure of what led to this insane reattachment/attraction to her again - was it from the loneliness/pain of the divorce or was it something deeper? I find myself asking that. I don't want to hurt her once again. As I said in the Harley intro, I didn't give her the chance that she needed and deserved.

I won't compare Harley and my ex, but there really couldn't be two more polar opposites - and also alike in so many ways. It's odd what would send me to one or the other. Harley's in her mid 30s now and has mellowed quite a bit since we dated. Something that I'm glad to see. I don't know what to expect, heck, I don't know what to expect out of myself. But the fact that she is coming is large and I'm not sure of the implications of it all. Maybe its a good thing. Maybe its not.

An awesome person told that if two people love each other, then why stay apart. It's been 10 years since I told Harley Quinn that. That is a long time. It's funny the things one comes across when they look. A lot of things have flooded back about that our relationship...I told her that I regretted the way things ended and that I never gave her the chance she deserved. Maybe that's why she is coming.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. Part of me will always love my ex-wife...and whoever - if any - I am with will have to accept that she will always be part of me. No, its not like I'm pining or the like, but she was a very significant part of me and the mother to my children. I think its a good thing that Harley Q lives so far away, well for now, at least.

One bridge at a time.

[Dawgs]

It's funny how slowly a change happens without being noticed. Going back over the past few years since my daughter was born, I can clearly see that change in my ex. she showed me a recent pic of her and the kids together and even though she was posing, she looked like a deer caught in headlights. I worry about her. I really do.

I've come to realize more and more that I'm not blaming her for her actions. Sure, the blame rests squarely on her shoulders, but I do believe that she is a product of her environment. As another poster said, I do have a respect for her as a person and to some extent as a mom. I think that she tries, but she is only trying to the best of her ability. And that's a sad thing to watch.

I've also noticed gradual change in her as of late, too. She is shifting back to her behavior from the time in our early marriage and just before. And that is totally catching me off-guard. And, she has started emailing me more, too. Little things that she thinks I would like. Not a lot, but certainly a lot more than when there was basically no contact outside of the children. What this all means, I don't know. There was a time when I would have gotten my hopes up, but that is no longer. This weekend that branch and open door was ignored. Sigh. Oh well, it is what it is.

As I've said before, she will always be part of me and my day - whether I want her to or not. Some nights I count the textures in the ceiling. Some nights I sleep well. I can rest on the fact that at the time I did the best that I could, and I can't be faulted for that.

I can reminisce now without tears filling my eyes. But yes, it still hurts and I guess it always will. There really isn't forgetting of what happened - the pictures can't be unseen, the words can't be unread, and what's been said can't be unsaid. It will always be there and part of my life for the rest of the time that I am on this planet.

As has been said so many times, we have to learn to live with it. And that's what I've done. But those demons will always be there. And that is something I don't know how to get rid of.

[Dawgs]

Another thread got me to thinking about fairness. Is it fair to Harley Q? Am I being fair? Or am I serving a more selfish issue?

I'm curious. I'm curious as to what her intentions are - after all, she brought the plane tickets to come out. I'm just not what I have to offer.

Is it odd to miss two people?

[trumpet]

My quick responses:

EX is temp checking, that is all. Ignore. She is broken. You cannot fix her.

I'd worry that you're tempting fate with Harley and the B&B. Too many temptations, if it was me. I'd keep her at arm's length. Want to see her, fine. But Your heart has a room for her, and opening that door all the way will really get your head moving in exorcist-like circles.

Time to heal, young Jedi. Your training is not yet complete.

[Dawgs]

Hi, Trumpet! Thanks for stopping by!

I know you are right. I know she's just temp checking...and I know that she knows how to push my buttons. I'm afraid it wouldn't be hard to pull those strings and lead me down to whatever rabbit hole there is. Still struggling with that, and guess I always will.

I get what you are saying about Harley. I really do. I love the exorcist part (a great movie, BTW). For some reason, I can't explain this insane attraction/attachment to her. I'm afraid that my head is already spinning at an unbelievable rate. I don't know what to expect out of this visit, but you're right. THe B&B needs to be cancelled and different rooms need to be reserved - that's easy enough because I didn't tell her that. What's easy - and yet maybe hard - is that she lives so far away. I find myself asking, what happens if it goes right? I mean, she brought her tickets and is coming - I'm just not sure of the implications of it all. I guess its just best to wait and see and led the universe's path go wherever.

[trumpet]

What happens if it goes really sideways, in a ball of fire?

I love to make 15 chess moves before they happen, 'just in case'. And then I get upset/disappointed/angry when the plan doesn't work in the order I set in my mind.

Hidden/unspoken expectations.

Sounds like you're expecting them to go right. The key is to have NO expectations. How can you reduce your expectations, so that you don't put pressure on her OR yourself?

Pretend she's a buddy from long ago, and you're going out for a beer. Those kind of expectations. Of having some fun, of enjoying some company. Don't put the weight of your entire future on a night. Or the weight of your divorce on her. You might be doing that without realizing it... maybe not, but something to think about.

[Dawgs]

Hi Trumpet!

Yesterday/last night was a doozy. Started crazy and went to Harley blocking me on FB to a freaking 3 AM (EST) phone call from her that lasted roughly two hours. Good grief I am tired.

The latest would make a statue's head spin. It seems as if Harley Q had contacted my ex, about what I don't know. Its always nice to get a message from the ex saying "why the **** did Harley (she has another word for her) message me???"

So, I had to put out that fire. I still don't know what that was about but at least the divorce is final and that can't be used against me. Good grief. A brief history - the ex knows who Harley Q is and does not like her in the least bit...during some of the more insane fights we had, she'd always say "why don't you call Harley?" haha. But I digress.

My brother made me think and see things in a different way - he knew and thought highly of Harley Q when we were dating, but now he has some concerns. He asked me - why, after all this time and especially after what happened, would she jump at the chance - and even suggest it - to fly all the way out here and see you? I think he may be thinking of her having some issues. He may have a point, and I may tend to agree especially seeing as to how the ex was involved.

So, I ended up saying to her maybe we should just think about things for a bit. That didn't go well. And she blocked me from FB. Sigh. I thought that was the end of it until that early phone call. She explained a lot, including the message. Still not sure on that. She was apologetic and wanted to try over.

Hidden/unspoken expectations.

I think that phrase hits the nail squarely on the head

Or the weight of your divorce on her. You might be doing that without realizing it... maybe not, but something to think about.

I think I may have been doing that. An awesome friend suggested that I'm not ready for a relationship yet but I may be projecting onto her, because of the "need" for one. Maybe she is right - maybe I'm still caught up in the effects of the divorce that Harley Q is sort of a self-though life jacket.

[Dawgs]

This insane attachment/attraction to Harley Q really makes my head spin. I can not explain it...not in the least. Maybe I am really just projecting onto her and using her as a shield.

It's funny how time brings out the best memories and we tend to forget the bad things. A friend suggested that I overlooked her crazy tendencies and focused on the good stuff - and maybe that those crazy tendencies are what really drove me to my ex in the first place. I do remember at the time I didn't think that, but maybe deep down I did subconsciously.

Harley was like no other. Whereas my ex was more gentle and loving, Harley was tough as nails - but yet gentle at the same time. Don't get me wrong, she is downright beautiful has such a sing-song voice that could charm a cobra, and she hid her toughness very, very well - but it came out at times.

Unlike others in my life, Harley Q pushed me in ways no one else had - mentally, to better myself, physically (no, not sex wise but well maybe, but working out), etc. I remember the time we did a team mountain bike race. She was in phenomenal shape and really pushed me beyond my limits. Good times. Maybe part of me misses that, too. Sure, my ex pushed me to better myself, but she really didn't put all that much effort into it.

I'm really on the fence about cancelling the trip and just putting her back in her box where she belongs. After all, some boxes are meant to never be re-opened. Maybe it should really be treated as old friends having a beer. Maybe a beer with benefits

Sigh. She paid all that money for the tickets and wanted to come see me. I can't break her heart again. It's not me or who I am.