Relationship Advice

[Bippy78]

@vapo: I honestly wasn't fishing for a response and I had no expectation of receiving one. I won't lie and say it wouldn't make me happy if I GOT one, but I guess that's why I'm here... I've been on here long enough to know not to read anything into it, though.

@SH: when we met, and for almost 2 years, I can honestly say I have never met a more kind, understanding, compassionate person. I can't think of a single person I ever heard her say a bad word about. She never got angry, was always happy. Again, the whole "alien" concept when I see this very hurting, broken, twisted person who has lost their way. I'm simply trying to balance understanding the fog she's in right now with the person I truly believe her to be at her heart. I may end up having to admit I'm wrong, and I'll do that if I need to. I can honestly say that she probably only pops up in my head a few times a day here and there. I have been doing very well at GAL, detaching, etc. Again, just sharing...
And of course, I'm sure there is further work to do on me. I am still in counseling, and working every day. I simply maybe display my areas of weakness with a little more vulnerability on here. P.S. It was about 2.5 years after D, and we were best friends for 6 months before we dated.

@Psy: Fair enough - I like "recovering fisher"! I committed to myself to have no further communication until her birthday on 12/24 as I planned, so ready for three weeks!

[Bippy78]

Just journaling to myself. It's been a pretty good day! I had a long talk with my best friend, and he really spoke good words into me, and I have been feeling a lot better. Funny how you forget how many people love you just for who you are - when your other half tells you how bad you are! It just serves to hammer the point that the real confusion and spinning is in the WAS. (Obviously we all have our goods and bads.)

I also have had three different people jokingly tell me I should charge them for my advice on their relationships - and I'm really just using DB principles to objectively look at things. One person set a boundary with their domineering mother-in-law, another was freaking out over a new relationship and calmed down, another went and took their angry wife flowers instead of getting angry back. Spreading the DB love!

Now three weeks of dark with only one contact. I won't slip up again. I feel like the moments of missing and wondering wth happened are shorter and less often. I just keep reminding myself in another three weeks I'll find myself focusing on Christmas and other things. Then three weeks later, it'll be into a new year and a new start!

My GAL:
1. I've started trying to set daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals to accomplish, so I'm going to write those out this evening, and start trying to make that a point every day. I just want to get my focus on accomplishing things.
2. Set a weight loss goal - rejoined the gym even though I have been working out at home some, and have lost 11 lbs. Ironically, SO had gained about 20 lbs from the point we took the time apart in July; probably petty to notice that, but hey, I'm amongst friends right?
3. Schedule my first over-seas trip. I have been trying to get to this since things with the XW went sideways almost 6 years ago ~ and it's time to do something for ME.

[Vapo]

Awesome stuff here buddy. Just keep chugging along!

[swoop]

Good job, Bippy! GAL and detachment really works wonders, doesn't it?

[PsySara]

When I actually do GAL activities it does wonders for my mood and detachment. Keep on keepin' on!

[Cristy]

I committed to myself to have no further communication until her birthday on 12/24 as I planned, so ready for three weeks!

Hello Bippy78,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Be very cautious in how you proceed with your well intention-ed birthday wish.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[bsb]

Bippy78,

How are you doing? Still dark and working on GAL??

Just checking on you

[Bippy78]

Just checking in! I took a 4-day weekend so have been enjoying it and relaxing. Got some Christmas shopping done, went out with a friend Friday night, did some dates with my kids, played with the new puppy. I feel amazingly relaxed. I had been dealing with a pulled back muscle, but it has been good for a week now, so am slowly working back into weight training.

I actually changed my mind on the birthday card. It is probably temperature taking, and quite honestly, even if it meant something to her, my guess is that it would simply make her find something ugly to say to balance out the fact she can't make me the bad guy anymore.

My IC has me doing some homework about the "feelings" I have when I think about SO and it took me a couple of days, but I think I have it nailed down. As I think back, even after she admitted to seeing OM, she talked about how I was handy and he wasn't, how he was just "nice", bought me a watch and told me how sexy it looked, basically said I was more "interesting" than he was. She pointed out many times how amazing I was doing as far as being healthy relationally and how proud she was of me, and actually said at one point, "You're exactly who I wanted". Then to basically in the space of a week turn into a monster...

Maybe it's a romanticized viewpoint, but isn't that what love is? Working through a tough situation where two people have brought their own baggage - and not only defeating that tough situation, but coming out a better man. And I didn't just become a better person in our relationship, but I feel like I'm a better father, better friend, my faith is stronger, etc.

I wonder if there are others on here who have maybe gotten to a point of general acceptance, but are stuck where I am, and it's a question of "Why?" It's a rhetorical question I guess, and I already know not to try to rationalize a broken mind, but still...

I'm not really stuck on this, but it surfaces in my mind from time to time, so just journaling it here.

[Bippy78]

It's been a good couple weeks! I have been dark as night, but have had a couple people tell me a few things.

A bit of encouragement for those of you in LRT or Going Dark - apparently, things are a bit iffy with the OM. The X has started posting stuff on social media about being hurt. Also, she commented on a picture that she "is ready for the holidays to be over!" - and she always loved Christmas and NYE more than anything.

I don't inquire or snoop, just hear from a mutual friend that is not happy with her for what she did. It doesn't really move my needle any, but there is some satisfaction in knowing that her life didn't magically get all perfect from walking away - and if I was the real issue, then why isn't she on cloud 9 right now and super happy?

Anyway, I have been enjoying family, going out with friends, getting into a good workout routine, and making plans to travel to Europe. Just journalling. Oh, and a cute girl wants to go bowling with me!