Coffee and spinning

[pinn]

Hey Col... quite the interactions. I like your plan! Let it flow until Sunday.. easy breezy.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with D.

[roist]

I too love your R with daughter. And her not so subtle 2x4s. Glad you have her in your corner.

Best wishes.

[BluWave]

Hi there. I've been meaning to tell you: I actually love that you finally gave H a piece of your mind!!! If I recall, you had never expressed your dissapointment to him, understood why he left, and it has been eating you up inside. I think some call it white anger, and if channeled correctly, can be very effective.

You see we focus so much on DB principles here--detach, GAL, 180, no R talks--that at times we may lose sight of the individual variations in each sitch. Now if you were doing this on a daily basis and lashing out, we would all tell you to stop and put the brakes on. You don't strike me as that type of woman at all. Coly, was this perhaps your 180? You stood up for yourself and said enough is enough!

I totally agree with the advice you are getting tho. Keep your expectations as low as you possibly can. Try your best to keep your focus on you and D. Keep up the self care and GAL actvites. Always value yourself more than the M. You will be fine in life with or without him!

(((Coly)))

Blu

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - Thank you for your earlier visit and the cookies. I thought I'd stop by with some butter-tarts (a Canadian treat that we rarely allow "foreigners" to know about) and a return hug.

I hope you are keeping well and enjoying the weekend.


(((((Coly23)))))

[Coly23]

Hey everyone, thank you for your comments!

Pinn and Roist, my D is very good at dishing out the 2x4s for sure and they are never padded or soft always hard and to the point!

Blu, great to hear from you! Yes your right I think this was a 180 for me. A lot of the anxiety I was feeling was because I felt I couldn't express my disappointment with how H was treating me and D since he left. I was off course annoyed that I had cried and wish I was a little more controlled but I had so much pent up emotions cel I started I just couldn't stop. However I definitely won't make a habit of doing that again! I think DB is great as a guideline however as you say each sitch is different and so are the two people involved. Assessing and adjusting to suit you and your sitch should also be a really important part of DB'ng.

I have a question - one of the reasons why H said he had to leave was because he wanted to be on his own and be able to see his friends whenever he wants like packing to go away for the weekend at the drop of a hat blah, blah, blah. He assumed he would be able to achieve this because a) D is not his biologically and b) because she is older and doesn't need so much looking after. Do you think we have made it too easy for him to achieve this lifestyle by not setting a proper plan for him to see D? At the end of the day if we had a child together he wouldn't be able to achieve this fantasy anyway. I'm annoyed that he assumed he would be able to have as much freedom as he liked and just leave all the parenting to me!

[job]

Coly,

It wouldn't matter whether your D was his biologically or not. He would still have run and would still have stated the reasons for his leaving. You have to remember that he's in MLC and they run from responsibility of any kind. His comments remind me of a teenager/young adult who wasn't allowed to do some of the things that he wanted to do back in the past. Maybe his parents were strict about him going out or going on trips w/his friends.

As far as making it easier for him by not setting up a proper plan for him to see your D...I don't think so. Again, they don't take on responsibility and they all think that the children will be okay w/their leaving. Since your D is older, I would have a chat w/her to see how she feels about her dad not being around much. You might gently ask her if she's asked her dad to spend time w/her and if she hasn't, gently suggest that she reach out to him during the holiday season, but remember...you can't force either of them to reconnect w/each other...the bridge needs to be forged between the two of them by them.

I also agree w/Blue that there are times when you have to state what's on your mind, but like Blue stated, don't make a habit of it. Truth darts are to be used sparingly and you will need to decide which "battles" are worth fighting.

Coly, you aren't alone in the solo parenting arena. Each and every poster who has children has experienced the "solo" parenting. Take a look around the forum and you'll see that you aren't alone. It's going to take a lot of patience to deal w/MLCers. You aren't dealing with someone who is an adult frame of mind, but someone who is thinking like a teenager and we need to remember that many of us were the same way back in that time period...wanting fun and excitement w/no responsibility or accountability.

Breathe! Dig deeper for patience and keep moving forward.

[Rose888]

With one child who is as old as your D is, I would have assumed that he would be fairly free to take off on trips with short notice anyway.

Has he wanted to go on trips before? How did you respond?

[BluWave]

Coly, I think people have different opinions on the role/responsibilities of step-parents, and especially after seperation. Your D is also old enough to have an R with him outside of your M. So it's not so simple to say what you should do to facilitate that or what he should do. I am of the position that if you marry someone that has children, then you assume a role as a parent to that child if the M survives or not.

Your H was the adult when he met your D and he remains the only adult in his R with her now. I think it is up to HIM to keep that R going with her. I don't think it's fair to you that you have to worry about their R so much. I also don't like that H wants freedom and feels more entitled to it because she is not his bio child. That's crap and incredibly selfish. He marrried a woman with a child and he cannot simply unchose that role and modify it (if this is the case).

However you cannot control him nor I hope that you want to. I think it's not attractive and I would question how much you want to be with a man that can be so selfish. Is he having a MLC and not thinking clearly? Is he deeply depressed and in crisis? If these things are true, does that make his beaviors and neglect more forgivable? I think only you can answer that. I am still not sure he is having a MLC (I don't see it in your posts) or if he just stepped out of his M, having an A, or just wants his freedom and cake too.

I just don't want to see anyone use the term MLC as an excuse or rather explanation for hurtful behavior. It is still the actions of another person and they are still responsible for them. I may be too harsh, but this is how I feel.

My H is not the bio dad of my oldest child (now an adult). His actions hurt her tremendously and her being a troubled teen was deeply affected by what she saw happening to me. Long story. He damaged his R with her and it was something that she has to learn to forgive and it was another strike against him that I have had to see past.

All things to consider as we choose a partner in life. My H has had to do some major work to proove that he is not only committed to the M but to oldest D as well.

Blu

[Coly23]

Hello everyone! Thank you for your posts and sorry I haven't responded in a while. I'm just finding it hard to put things down in writing at the moment because I'm bit really sure what to think of my sitch at the moment.

The only trouble with not posting regularly is that this is going to be a long lost so apologies!!

So since I last posted H came over last Sunday and went out with us to buy a Christmas tree and we also went out for lunch. When we came back he helped us decorate the tree and it was actually a really nice day. On the Friday before I was on the train into the city and got a missed call from H so texted him and he said that he was calling D but as out phones are connected on the cloud I got it as a missed call. So without thinking I asked if he wanted to go for a drink that evening as D was out and he came back and suggested the cinema. We had a lovely evening.

On the Monday H came and picked me up really early and took me to the train station, as I had an early train to catch, and then took my car to the garage for it's annual test. He then picked me up and dropped me home in the evening. He was due to stay for dinner but was full of cold so asked if he could take a rain check. Although we only showed concern both myself and D were a little disappointed.

I realise when I don't have contact with H my mind just spins out of control even when I am GAL'ng. I just can't seem to switch off. When I woke up on Tuesday I saw that the Christmas tree had fallen over and for some reason that made me tearful so I worked from home and just cried in between calls and actually working! I texted H to let him know the tree had fallen over and that me and D had a go at sorting it out. He offered to come over to tweak it either on the Thursday or Friday as he still wasn't well earlier in the week and agreed to come over yesterday (Friday) to sort it out and have dinner with us. Again we had a lovely evening. H brought wine and pudding and some chocolates to hang on the tree (I don't know if you have that where you all are but here in the UK tree chocolates are a must!)

My observations are that since my melt down with H he seems to have softened slightly. I no longer wait for hours/days for a response to my texts and he actually keeps the conversations going unlike before when I got very short responses in which he made sure no response from me was required!

This week we have also had some chat about D's birthday. As I explained before he has offered to make her a cake and suggested we meet for brunch this morning (Saturday) to talk about it and go and have a look at some cake tins for hire (?). Unfortunately I had to decline as my parents are over this morning helping me with some stuff. It got me thinking though that my request for one day a week for the both of us to go out and also having a day a week to spend as a family is going to be difficult to achieve at this time of the year so I texted H with another request/solution. I suggested that we should spend as much time as a family as possible during this time to rebuild as a family and then in the NY we can look at how he and I can move forward in order to rebuild our relationship.

As soon as I sent the text I felt my stomach flip over and regretted it! I realise I am very impulsive (you all probably realise that by now too!!) and that is a trait I need to control more. I started winding myself up thinking of all the different responses I could get including the one I got before which was 'not at the moment' or 'I can't promise anything' or just plain 'NO'!!! When his text finally came through I didn't look at it for an age and in the end I 'screwed my courage to the sticking place' and opened it.... He said 'Yeah, good idea' and then proceeded to tell me about a restaurant he booked for D's birthday.

Not sure what to think. His response seems positive but vague. I know what I am doing is working because we all seem to be much more relaxed however because of the vagueness I am worried that I'm going to start to push for more certainty and then in turn push him away.

I agree with Blu in that I'm not sure he is having MLC but I do know he seems a little depressed so I need to tread carefully. Does this look like we are going in the right direction or am I just trying scrabbling for breadcrumbs again? Heeelp!!!

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, your post presents a picture of you perhaps pursuing and pushing a tad too much. You spin when you are not in touch and so you prompt contact in order to reassure yourself. However, relying on a MLCer for reassurance isn't a great plan (understatement!!)

I think it is a good idea to apply two principles to your interactions with him. Firstly, let him lead a little. And if the 'leading' is 'distance' let that happen. Secondly, reciprocate (rather than initiate) and do so with around 75% of his enthusiasm.

It's really important to allow MLCers some time and space to process things. If you are regularly in his space, he may not get the chance to do that.

How can you work on feeling more stable and comfortable, even if he isn't in touch for a little while??