Moving on to the next phase

[kml]

Hey Feyth -
Don't let him gaslight you. If he insists on something you know to be untrue, it's untrue. He's just A)trying to justify his behavior by making you out to be the villain and/or B) trying to bully you into giving him everything in the divorce.

Re: the dog - did he own the dog before you married, or was the dog a joint purchase? If he owned the dog before marriage you are probably out of luck (although, I bet, if you don't fight him on it, he'll start asking you to babysit the dog when it's convenient for him soon enough). If the dog was bought when you were married, it is most definitely community property and you can fight for custody if you want - just figure out if this is the hill you want to die on? Shared custody is not very feasible.

Re: his claims that he made all the money. You are employed as I recall, no? And he being older has had more time to establish his career, so it's not a surprise that he makes more money. The law is usually pretty straightforward on splitting marital assets, at least if you live in a community property state, so don't let him bully you. Refer those questions to your lawyer.

Also - I don't remember what assets you had to fight over, but try if you can to get assets rather than alimony, as you'll pay taxes on the alimony you receive (and he gets a tax break) but there will be no taxes if he's just buying you out of house equity.

AND - while you should fight for everything that is rightfully yours, also don't put your financial advancement on hold while going through this. Just start figuring out how to make a good enough living that you are okay with or without his cooperation. There's something delightful in being able to say FU. I have only held my tongue with my ex because I needed his cooperation to get our kids through college. Try to get yourself to a position where you can say whatever you want and he can't financially hurt you.

As for the spew - anger is guilt turned outward. Try to limit communications to emails, that way at least you don't have to listen to it and you have documentation for your lawyer. Also you don't have to read or respond right that minute if it's too upsetting.

It's a painful process but I assure you, once it's done you'll feel freer. It's sad to see the person you once adored turn into someone you can't respect - sometimes it's a temporary takeover by aliens, sometimes it's just the rose-colored glasses coming off and you begin to see them as they always were.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you KML.

All my inlaws just un- friended me on social media. Meh. Stings.

[twinmom]

I know how you feel. It might be better to not interact with them though. My in laws did/said some f'ed up stuff while H was living with OW, as soon as we started working things out they thought I would just forget about everything.

It's like forced detachment & helps preserve any good feelings you have for them.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks twinmom... The whole in-law thing kills me... But I know why....mr Feyth is on a rampage. I just got a "go F yourself" text from him. Time to block him.

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, my tip would be - make technology work for you. So, route his messages or whatever to a time and place where you choose to pick them up. If you close down the instant access to you, it really helps I think.

Also, only respond to constructive communications. Unpleasant ones - don't reward with a response.

He has really ramped up with the unpleasantness and do exercise caution in any direct contact with him.

Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Sotto.
I'm reminded of an employee I had once who was caught doing something not right. it was discussed with her and she was given a warning for her actions. Right away the situation turned sour and it just kept escalating and escalating. The angrier she got, the worse off her behavior, the more she was penalized, etc. she basically went around doing whatever the heck she wanted because it was a control thing for her. I was her boss and she reported me for all sorts of things. Well, at the end of the day, she was stealing and lying, and only actually worked about 2 hours a day. This was proven with records, etc. But she was adamant It was all me.

I feel like this is happening now. I don't know if hes just that clueless about what divorce actually is. Well, that can't be it, I am his second wife. He d'd his first wife for stealing (big red flag). Is he hiding something? The louder he gets the more of a distraction? Or am I just a nasty person? Or is he feeling so crappy about the direction of his life that he needs a "win?" I don't know what it is, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it.

KML, dog was bought after marriage. I do have a job, he does not (technically).

It's so ugly. I know I will be relieved when this is over and it's only just begun. Here's the thing.... It's only the beginning. We haven't even done disclusures yet.... It's not time to be figuring out settlements, etc. but because I'm not agreeing to anything he thinks I'm against him.

[twinmom]

The curious part of me would wonder if the first marriage really ended the way/why he said it did.....

Maybe that's just because my H's first marriage did not. (I ended up finding out I was an OW!)


I agree that you should not respond to pretty much anything. I would even look into someone else switching the dog for you.

[Pax_luv]

Twinmom, you are totally right. I got a different story about why they d'd after 1.5 years. She was nasty, she was the one who wanted it, etc. and when stbx and I started going through this mess it was so crazy to me that he would end a marriage so frivolously and I asked.... Is this why you and your ex w d'd? And he gave me a whole different story than the one I was led to believe.

It's all lies. It's all manipulation and control. Just have to keep standing.

[Pax_luv]

Hello,
It was time for a name change.... peace and love is what I need now and what I want to bring forth in the world

I ended up not blocking stbxh last night so I got another angry text this morning and it's been quiet ever since. While he's nasty with me, he has been sweet as pie to my L. Ugh. Really?

Like bttrffly is going through... I'm having a hard time not taking his words to heart. I'm trying to rationalize and convince myself that my feelings ARE valid and I'm NOT crazy. I keep going back to some of the things my IC said (she was also h's ic)- she told me- You're never going to be enough for him. And- he doesn't see you. He doesn't hear you.

So Ive been mulling over this internal craziness and it feels like I've been in a fog all day. I'm not emotional over it (not crying, etc)... Feels more like shock with a little bit of "buck up- it's go time."

30 day bootcamp challenge ended today. Boo. It was the greatest distraction. I wish I could afford this gym and keep going.... Sadly I'll have to find some alternative. I completed 34 of the 35 workouts and i am so bummed I couldn't squeeze that last one in. grrrr. Also, last night I benched 55lbs!!! Never done that before.

So, another day down. Must keep moving.

[Pax_luv]

Hello and Happy Friday (or Saturday depending on the side of the globe you're on).

Thank goodness this week is over. I had a lot going on at work and couple that with the emotional blasting from stbxh... I'm just exhausted. Feels like I have to crawl and claw my way through each day. Soo fatigued and burnt out. Enough already! Getting some margaritas tonight and settling into the weekend.

Still feeling kind of shocked/numb about this recent turn of events with the stbx. Normally we would be swapping dog tonight, but I haven't heard his response to my lawyer so I'm just letting it lie. I pray that he doesn't take it as a sign that i don't want to see the dog. I just will not deal with him. My L suggested that we get a court order stating that we are sharing the dog. I have a feeling stbx is working on a court order that states the dog is his. What a lying sac o' crap. Yep.... I've seen him do this exact thing to others... Just was too naive to believe he wouldnt do it with me.