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JellyB Offline OP
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Hi Zephyr and Roist,

Thank you for your kind responses. I am so sorry that you both have gone through this. It is not an easy time. I wish both easier times ahead.

Much Love JellyB xxx

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Jelly,
No real words of wisdom here but wanted you to know you were heard and offer some support.

To quote the often repeated axiom, when the plane is going down, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. Take care of yourself, sweet Jelly. You cannot help mom or your prince charming when your own cup is empty. I know you will be there for your mom no matter what, and it's amazing the hidden strength we often find within ourselves when we have to.

There is also nothing wrong with stepping back from other relationships to regroup if that's what you need. A military spouse friend I know speaks of something she calls "riding the vows." Specifically, she's speaking to times of military deployment when spouses are separated and not able to interact and give to the marriage and support it's growth. In those times, she says you "ride your vows," i.e., when you can do nothing else, you trust the love and commitment of your relationship and know that when the hard times pass, your partner will still be there for you, just as you are for them. Take care of yourself and your mom, grieve for the change of plans, but love and trust in what you are building with your lovely man. There will be other Christmases...there are a lifetime of Christmases left that can be shared. A million other firsts waiting to happen. Let these challenges strengthen you and your love for each other rather than cause you to nitpick at the foundation of what you're creating together.

You will get through this, and we are here to support you all the way!

Last edited by Cadet; 12/01/16 02:05 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Quote:
Just feeling a little overwhelmed with life and I know that its the time of year for everyone, where the year catches up and pressures to be prefect for the holidays and family ideals abound.


You spelled perfect wrong.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
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BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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JellyB Offline OP
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Thanks Zues wink

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I love anna's response to you.

I am so sorry to hear of your mum's illness and the cancellation of your christmas plans.

I don't know what else I can offer you but my prayers and my virtual support.

(((Jelly)))


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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J, I'm really sorry to hear this news. What a bummer. I can see why you're fed up with your siblings, but I'm glad your mom has you in her life. She's a lucky mom, and whatever happens she's got to feel pretty good about her life when she knows she raised you.

I'm curious what you mean when you say your man is emotionally unavailable. This isn't some trick question where I'm circling around to make some point. I really just don't know and am curious. It's not like a man saying his woman is sexually unavailable, which is pretty easy to understand. But emotional unavailability is something I don't know that I ever really got, and it might mean something different to you. Does that mean him being available to listen to you talk about your days battles? Or to do something in real life to make your journey easier, like making dinner or something? Or just spending time together?

I dunno. The more posts I write on these forums the more convinced I am that I beat to a different drum. But for me, if I was in a relationship, I'd want to know SPECIFICALLY what I needed to do for my partner to feel 'emotionally satisfied'. Then, if that person was a bottomless pit that was impossible to satisfy as you sometimes reflect concerns you are, well, then I'd tell that person that I loved them, that I wish we weren't restricted by the limitations of our humanity and the demands of life so I could express that to the degree we both desire, but within the realm of what we have to work with I'll do what I can today, and if, due to extreme demands on me today I can't do much, I'd reassure them that it isn't that I don't care and that I can't wait until I get through my crisis so I could show how important they are to me.

I only say this because I know I have felt I am a bottomless pit at times and have always felt this is what would make it easier for me to accept boundaries and limitations instead of feeling like "If you loved me you'd..." I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I try with D6. She *ALWAYS* wants to play with me, and sometimes it gets overwhelming and irritating, but then I realize she needs me, so I make sure to not just say 'no' reflexively even when it can feel like it's a bottomless pit, and that I explain limitations to her in this way, and that most of all I make playing with her a priority so she knows I love her and she knows that it's ok to have needs and to express them and that she's worthy of having someone care for her.

I actually get the drawing back thing. Quite a bit I get that. It's easier to be distant than it is to be somewhat as close as you'd like to be feeling like you are being cast away as you try to reach out to close the gap with a hug. XW thought when I withdrew I was punishing her, that I was abusive, that I was controlling. But it didn't feel that way to me. It really felt like she was casting me away and I was just trying to not need her so much so her rejection didn't cut me up too bad.

No advice here JB, just wondering about these things, what you'd like from your man, if there's anything your man could do to make this easier for you if he legitimately couldn't give it to you right now, etc.

But know one thing. Your posts show that you have been the places I have been and see some of the same things I see. That could be a good thing, that could be bad news for you, but no matter what it's a fairly lonely road so it's nice to bump into someone on that path now and then. I'm not sure at times why I post on these forums. I must get something out of it but I can't figure out what. But if you trouble yourself to start a new thread I doubt I'll be able to pass it by without dropping a few lines.

Joke of the day: I had dinner with Gary Kasparov (former chess world champion) the other night. The table had a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt...

Last edited by Cadet; 12/02/16 07:59 AM. Reason: bold

Me:38 XW:38
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JellyB Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: annab74
Jelly,
No real words of wisdom here but wanted you to know you were heard and offer some support.

To quote the often repeated axiom, when the plane is going down, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others. Take care of yourself, sweet Jelly. You cannot help mom or your prince charming when your own cup is empty. I know you will be there for your mom no matter what, and it's amazing the hidden strength we often find within ourselves when we have to.

There is also nothing wrong with stepping back from other relationships to regroup if that's what you need. A military spouse friend I know speaks of something she calls "riding the vows." Specifically, she's speaking to times of military deployment when spouses are separated and not able to interact and give to the marriage and support it's growth. In those times, she says you "ride your vows," i.e., when you can do nothing else, you trust the love and commitment of your relationship and know that when the hard times pass, your partner will still be there for you, just as you are for them. Take care of yourself and your mom, grieve for the change of plans, but love and trust in what you are building with your lovely man. There will be other Christmases...there are a lifetime of Christmases left that can be shared. A million other firsts waiting to happen. Let these challenges strengthen you and your love for each other rather than cause you to nitpick at the foundation of what you're creating together.

You will get through this, and we are here to support you all the way!


Annab,

You are always there when I need a kind and wise word. Thank you. You have the kindest spirit and I am grateful for the love and kindness you shine my way.

I have often compared my lovely man and mine's long distance relationship to that of a those in the military. Although I know for a fact we likely have an easier time of it, with Facetime every night for 1-2 hours and the cost of airfare anytime we can afford it.

You friends view and words supports my own. My lovely man and I have talked often of something similar to "riding the vows", as both of our previous partners had no ability or desire to ride the commitment and love of which you speak. We both want to offer each other that which we didnt get from our previous partners.

I want to be better this time round Annab. I want to be a better person and better partner. I want to have more faith in the relationship, that is has good bones and a good foundation. You are right I shouldn't nitpick at it, which is exactly what I am doing. I'm scared Annab, that I have either chosen wrong or that I am going to f**k this up.

I'm pushing him away and pulling him at the same time. The poor man is so confused. I am not being my best self, the best partner for him right now.

I find the exchanges of needs and wants challenging in a relationship. I remember reading somewhere that relationships are a not a "needs exchange" the are the exchange of love and support. If you are expecting to have your needs met, you are likely going to suffer in a relationship.

I know that I am more than capable of supporting myself through my mother's chemo, through the stress of juggling work and the other demands of my life. So then what exactly am I needing and wanting from my lovely man, that I can't provide for myself?

Do I want some obvious display from him that he understands my stress, my pain at the potential loss of my mum. Do I want him to tell me how devastated he is at the loss of an opportunity to spend time with me. (There are a couple of other complicating needs I have that are private to his life that I wish were resolved too - which challenge me) but I know he how I feel understands and I know that he feels as fruistrated and devastated as I do. So what exactly is it that I want? That I need?

No wonder he is confused. I am confused myself.

John Gray (Women are from Venus & Men are from Mars author) talks about the level of reassurance women need to feel supported, secure and safe in a relationship. I know it's ridculously old fashioned to need my lovely man to tell me, that I am not in this alone and that whatever I need right now, he's got my back. But for some reason I need to hear it, to feel it. And for some strange reason he isn't able to provide this to me right now. I'm not sure why.

I keep coming back to the words "acceptance and self reassurance". I can meet this need and want for myself. I need to accept that he is not in place that to be able to provide the reassurance and it;s ok for him not to be able to do so right now. I need and provide it to myself. I tell myself I am not alone, that I have my own back and I can get myself through this. I will be ok, me and my lovely man will be ok. I am strong, stronger than I feel and I look. There is nothing I need that I cannot provide myself.

I need to think myself out of this situation rather than feel myself out of it.

Thanks for the opportunity to reflect with your Annab. Maybe there will come a day I could offer you the same love and support.

Much love you JellyBxxx

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Jellyb

Times are tough that's what is sometimes.

This seems all or nothing to me, I either go for x or not at all. Go for y instead. Compromise on it. Why not?

This seems to me the normality of an R, in that this is ordinary stuff of R, not drama, destruction or over. It just is the pushared and pull of emotions driven by distance.

I sense your lovely man would prefer to hold your hand, give you a hug and just sit and be. That is comfort and empathy. Distance prevents it and thus that understanding has to be met through words. Please consider that words are often harder without contact.

Words often don't cut it sometimes. Acceptance of that which is is likely a support a way of saying without words, we can get through this. Please don't push until you get the response you need, ask Instead for that which you require. As it please tell me it will be ok.

I think that you should bite the bullet and make a visit, even if that is for the briefest glimpse of bliss and connection.

Those are my thoughis.

Your wonderful mum is in my prayers and thoughts today as always. Tell her I have another RIT story to cheer her and some lovely comfort rainbows.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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