You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Your old marriage is dead. Your h was emotionally gone from the marriage about 18-24 months before the bomb drop. You've not had that same amount of time to get use to the idea of being separated. It takes time to detach and come to realize that the man you knew is not the man who is walking around now. He is the mirror image of the man you fell in love with. He's different, he looks at life differently than you do and right now, he's living his life the way that he wants and unfortunately, you are not a part of that life.
Give yourself a break...it takes time, but you can't rush the process because it will prolong his crisis. You can't rush your healing. You have to work through the pain and come out the other side. Your h is doing everything humanly possible to skirt around that pain and one day, there will no longer be any excuses and he'll have to face that pain head on and work through it.
Look, I can understand your disappointment because you were thinking he would jump at this opportunity, but you've given him an option and let him think about it for a while. At least he didn't come right out and say no right now. You've got to keep your expectations at zero. He may very well come up w/some excuse not to be a part of the photo and if he does, accept his answer and move on w/the photo session w/your child on your own. The hardest things to learn is lower expectations, detachment and patience. Just as you have choices to make, so does he. We may not always like the choices they make, but we have to learn to accept them even when we know that they are making mistakes. Mistakes is how they will learn and hopefully not make the same ones over and over again.
Continue moving forward and plan to have those photos taken w/or w/o your h being in them. If you feel that you would be uncomfortable w/him not being in the photo, then maybe you might want to consider your child being the only one photographed w/Santa this year. A new tradition in the making.
Whatever he decides...don't change your plans because of his decision.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Once again, very sage advice Job. Deep down I know I will be okay. I am fortunate enough to make a decent living, so while it would require a lot of lifestyle changes to divorce, I'm not terrified of that (just not looking forward to it). The thing that hurts me the most is my son.
I went through hell and back to have him. I moved mountains to bring him into existence because I wanted a child so badly. God was good to me and gave me something I wanted. Now after all that, I might have to settle on being a part-time mother. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that after enduring all that, I would only get to be with him and help raise him 50% of the time. I have a terrible time with this.
When I think about losing the double income, I think "I can survive;" when I think about losing a partner in life to share the joys and help with the sorrows, I think, "I can survive;" but when I think of losing my son, I lose my mind.
we are nearing the 20 month mark and it is easier. my son needs to spend time with both of us. i had to change my way of looking at it from losing my son to sharing him.
(i'm an only child; i do not share well with others)
I know my boy loves his father and needs to spend time with him. i'm working on making my peace with it. some days are easier than others.
hang in there and keep it in the day xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Oh Bttrfly, thank you for the kind words of encouragement.
I think I am at a place where I just have to deal with the reality of the fact that my marriage is over. It's done. He loves this OW and there isn't anything I can do about it.
It's really hard to understand how someone could do what he has done. I feel like I deserve to know why my life blew up. How could someone go through four rounds of IVF and two egg donors to have a child only to be having an affair the entire time?
My focus should be shifting away from trying to get answers to those types of questions. I should be asking why I married a man who could never stand up for me and who, at least by my standards, never made me a priority. I always felt like I was imposing on him. Perhaps I am too needy? Perhaps he is too selfish?
If it weren't for my son, I would have walked away a long time ago. I tried for my son, not for my husband. Perhaps that is a reason why I am failing. When I take my son out of the equation, and I think about what I would do and how I would feel if he weren't here, it seems so very simple.
That's not to say that I don't have issues or that I didn't contribute my 50% to the issues in the marriage. I know that I did.
I have a very long road ahead of me. I wish I could look forward to the ride. My God this is going to be hard.
Hi fight. I know how hard it is... And the only ingredient to sprinkle on this mess is time... In time you'll start to slowly feel better, but I get how hard it is. Thank goodness for this community. It's the lighthouse for all of us.
I can't recall if someone posted this to you already... But when I think of how stressful it must have been going through ivf, I can see how a MLCer may say f- it and run. What I'm learning the hard way is, they hate responsibility, they hate pressure, they hate commitment.... Anything that disrupts their freedom. It's stinks and it doesn't excuse the behavior.... I kind if chalk it up to immaturity, but the devastation their behavior leaves behind is just unbelievable.
The more I read, the more I learn that this audacious behavior is pretty common and I find it so sad.
I do hope you continue taking care of yourself and your son.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I think it's fear of rejection. Fear that he'll say no to your suggestions. Do you feel this way when you ask someone else to do something w/you or is it just w/your h?
We all have the ability to make choices and one of the hardest things for me was to accept that my xh could make choices that that didn't include me. But, as time rolled along, I began to understand more and more about the freedom of making choices and if his choices didn't mesh w/mine, I realized that I would still be okay doing things solo.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry Job, but I don't understand your response. It is probably due to lack of sleep, anxiety, and the fog I'm in. Could you elaborate more on what you mean so I can catch your meaning. I want to understand EVERY piece of wisdom you are imparting.
Let me put my posting another way...are afraid that he's going to say no to your invitations? Are you afraid that his choices will not always be what you expect, i.e., that he'll not want to do things w/you?
No wisdom today in my posting...just something for you to think about when you are rested up. We need to delve into this "fear" you have a bit more.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
After some restful nights, I understand what you are asking Job. Yes, I am afraid he is going to say no to my invitations. And yes, I am afraid his choices will not always be what I expect and that he will not want to do things with me.
However, this was not always the case. The fears I have materialized after BD. They stem from the concern that he is serious about wanting a divorce. The fear is that his saying no to my invitations means he no longer loves me and will move forward to obtain a divorce.
My stomach turns in knots in the moments between my asking and his answering. Then the fear metamorphosizes into second guessing the reasons why he accepts. Does he want to be with ME or is it Matthew, does he still enjoy spending time with me, what is he thinking, blah, blah, blah, ad nauseam.
It's crazy-making and I need to stop. And I am trying.
Often, to get myself to stop, I will remind myself of the fact that he is in such emotional distress he just isn't himself. His decisions regarding the future and his desires for the OW are based on his emotional turmoil. I am hoping this is true. I guess I can't know for certain if they are or they aren't.
I hate that I take comfort in the fact that the odds are against him if he does divorce me and marries the OW. But it does help me detach. I remind myself that most 29 year old women don't want a ready made family and they don't want to take care of some other woman's child. (Although I am sure there ones that would not mind.) I remind myself that OW has only lived with her parents her entire life and that once she strikes out on her own, would want to be free to enjoy life unencumbered by a child.
My focus should be on myself and my future. I know this. And I am trying. I have created a vision board to help me maintain my focus on myself.
Does anyone think that relying on the thoughts that their relationship will fail to enable myself to detach are unhealthy? Are there any pitfalls?
Maybe just accept the fact you are spinning, you see it, you feel it ... just own it and when you feel yourself spin try to stop, back up and look at why this is. (Triggers get us all) One by one deal with these triggers, nothing will seem to really work at first but for me just owning the fact I was spinning was the first step in dealing with it ... over time it was less and less frequent and the intensity also tapered off.
Quote:
Does anyone think that relying on the thoughts that their relationship will fail to enable myself to detach are unhealthy? Are there any pitfalls?
My 2 cents ... at the early stage of the game do what you need to do to detach a bit. Then you can start going about it in a more healthy way ... 180, GAL are good tools you have already read but when we spin its tough. Realize your H is deep in the tunnel and involved in OW, she is absolutely an AD (Affair Down) .... this will lose its luster, a good friend of mine discussing people who date WAY younger said it best "At some point they do actually have to talk to each other" .... not much in common with that gap right?
