Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[Bippy78]

I honestly believe 99% of WAS go to MC for the single reason of saying they really tried, and they use a "professional" as yet another excuse to add to their repertoire of blame, spinning, and obfuscation. So, personally, I would give VERY little credit to any part of that. I honestly don't understand why people see it as such a life preserver.

Not to be a debbie downer, but I just don't want you to give MC either a thumbs up or down. I have yet to see a case in DBing where it made a significant difference, but I have seen MANY cases where it made no difference or even hurt the relationship.

Chin up!

[PsySara]

You guys are right, I've been doing it all wrong. I've gone counter to DBing practices and have actually done some huge mistakes. I'e been pursuing, pressuring, setting expectations. I've completely lost my way. This has had the predictable outcomes and completely turned WH off while also making me look pathetic.

This HPV thing has messed me up really bad. I started expecting him to comfort me in the way I need and he may be unable to do so. I woke at 4 am this morning feeling utterly despondent so I decided to watch the LRT videos again. I felt my face flush red as she recommended against exactly what I had been doing. I can't do piecing if WH isn't really wanting to piece. In his more relaxed moments he will say things about wanting to piece but his actions show otherwise. So I need to return to the drawing board and use a beginner's mind.

1. I REALLY need to get a handle on my anger. I still lash out at WH when he says things that hurt me. This accomplishes absolutely nothing, leaves me feeling worse and also paints me as a loose cannon. I think I will either read something on anger management or maybe start serious IC with the goal for me to manage my anger better, my kids deserve that.Furthermore, I deserve it, I need the peace.

2. I have really fallen off the bandwagon with GAL. Too often I am waiting on WH's plans after work, lunch, weekend, whatever. I need to start scheduling stuff for just me, me and the kids, or me and friends sans WH. The easiest place to start is a co-worker does Taco Tuesdays for girl's only. I will make my goal to attend that next Tuesday.

3. WH can't give me the emotional support I desperately need right now so it's time to dust off the lifelines I have available. I need to start calling my close friends and spilling my guts. I really want to pour it out to my cousin but he doesn't know about April so...I will think about that.

We have plans to go to Disney in a few weeks for DD's birthday and also just to take a break from life. Next week I have the procedure for my HPV and I don't really have a local close female friend to bring with me for support. I don't feel comfortable bringing WH even though I suspect he will want to come. Historically he has done these type of things but has not been able to give me the emotional support I need. I think I will have to do this solo even though it's not recommended. I just don't have any other option.

Dory is right, I need to pull back from WH and stop letting his swings increase my swings. I feel like I have regressed and have fallen back on all the bad behaviors of codependency and desperation that made the aftermath of the affairs so agonizing for me. I need to realize that the man I married is not the man living with me right now. The person I loved is not here, rather this broken/lost guy needs to be left to his own devices. He chose to throw away our marriage and it's dead now. I am going to have to go through the grieving process and move on. So forgive me my friends, I will be coming here a LOT to vent and spew my rage/anguish. I think the reality of the monumental damage wrought on our M is sinking in and it's horrific.

[Surfer]

Sara,

Look SH and Blu have really created food for thought here. you add to this too.

However this

I've been doing it all wrong.

Is utter Bullsh!t.

You have not been doing to wrong. You have been trying to get it right. That involves being human. Everyone backslides, makes a wrong turn, gets on the rollercoaster. You are doing it right, its the way everyone does - you learn by your mistakes. Okay you may have made mistakes but you WILL get there.

No self-pity. One of your primary goals is to love and respect yourself the way you wish your H would (as others have pointed out). Listen to MWD's LRT again and again. It's a great help....you know this and if you need to post all the time. So what.

In terms of talking - it helps. Be careful about who you talk to though - you have to undo all the pain the recipient of your talk feels at some point so check the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" part of the MWD LRT downloads. IC's are good I find - personally after a point they open up wounds a little. I think there is a time you need them though and a time when you no longer do. An IC that just listens might be really good. Although an unconnected and discreet female friend would be good IMHO. I relied on my male and female friends - I no longer need to. Exercise is good too of course, you now this.

MC was not the best idea in fairness. But if you don't try how do you know. We have all done it. We did. My W used it to spew. They want an audience for the re-written history. It makes the history live for them. Personally, it seems that neither the MC process or lady is not right for you at this point. Our MC lady had pretty much the same approach although she told my W "she was the problem" - that went down well (as I am sure you can imagine.....oh dear). The point here is just move on from it.

Also, take the smart parts of what you do and "see" them. Focus on the positives - that chat in the car. You laughed together!!! If the MC process brought that about - it was worth it to some degree.

Let MWD talk directly to you in the LRT downloads. It will help to guide you. Like all of us we need to stay as detached as possible as part of the process we also need to focus. The key bullet points that accompany the downloads are good for focus.

Also, - no expectations and learn to love yourself (this too is a choice). Become the best you can be. FOR YOU ONLY. No pretending - it needs to be for you. You need to be able to look in the mirror and see a person you love and respect. If you don't neither will he. My bet is, he does not love and respect himself either. My W struggles to look in a mirror at times - I never really understood this.

You will get there Sara. I am sure. Where "there" is, is happiness. The sooner you get there - the sooner your H will see you happy and confident and that my friend is the nearest thing to the magic bullet you will find!!!

Now, chin up. Sort out the heath side of things and march on. Detach, No expectations, GAL and have some fun with friends and kids. This Christmas is for fun! Get planning it and have it. No regrets, no looking back.

Surfer.

[Ginger1]

As I had posted to you before, I think the DB process is overwhelming you, mainly because you have indeed executed it so well, but aren't yielding the results you hoped for.

What I would suggest to you is step away from everything and analyze what YOU are getting out of the DB process. There is a fair amount of us who didn't save our M's. But I think almost anyone coming here can say they took something or many valuable things from the process for themselves.

Do you feel like you are?

[BluWave]

Sara, I personally do not think you have been doing anything wrong. This is difficult, terribly painful, and there is no recipe for success really. Much like having children, we must learn as we move through it and raise them.

I admire your patience and commitment to him--he certainly has put you through it all and then some, yet you remain loyal and present. It's more than most could do.

Anyhow, I am sorry for what you are going through. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You deserve all the love and appreciation. If he can't offer it, I hope you can find it in yourself. (((Sara)))

Blu

[Sotto]

Hi Sara, I think the advice from Blu and SH has merit. Do you notice that when you pursue, his position gets more entrenched? And the time you truly had enough, he got quite rattled. Pursuit and distance.

Personally, I think you have been swinging along up, down and around with his every mood. Time to cut that emotional tie loose I would say.

For now, plough your own furrow and start making some new plans for yourself. Stop worrying about what he may think and do - whether it may or may not save the M.

Just do what suits you for now and get yourself recharged and healed. Ginger is also right - DBing is a way of life. Sometimes marriages get saved to - but first and foremost, it's a way of life.

Xx

[Vanilla]

Sara

So far you ignore my posts to look after you.

Your old M is over, not only that your WH keeps telling you this by everything he does.

Gracious an STD is a physical assault.


Sweetheart, you are in denial.

Been there, got the T-shirt. I empathise.

You are not looking after you, I think you are attemping to save your M at your own expense.

V

[Vanilla]

So Sara

Are you angry I told you how to feel?

You can choose to be irritated by it or annoyed, you have every right to do so. No one should dictate to you about thoughts or feelings. This applies to the board members too.

So let me rewrite my post to you

So, so far Sara you have not commented on my posts to tell you to take great care of yourself.

I believe your old M is over and your WH is telling you in every way he can.

An STD can be considered a physical assault.

Please look after you, I believe you are trying to save your M at the expense of your health and wellbeing. Extreme self care Sara is important.

Please listen and consider.

V

[Surfer]

Hi Sara

I just wanted to stop by and say I hope you are okay.

Sometimes this can be a really tough journey. We feel so much pain. It's hard to shake it. But we can and we will. We do it temporarily and I am sure it's just a case of having the gaps between the pain getting longer to the point it becomes a little - meh!

I hope you are getting some peace and respite from the pain and frustrations you have been struggling with recently.

You will get there Sara, focus on that. You are a determined, kind, generous lady and if your H can't see that and be happy with that he has issues that you can't help him with. By realising that and stopping questioning the sitch and knowing it's him that has the issues, not you, you can hopefully move forward.

Be kind to yourself Sara you deserve that.

Take care.

Surfer.

[SH_]

Sara,

I am encouraged by your response...
You can see some light in the distance...

In my observations with you, the habit is to swing...the emotions control your behavior...
The goal I challenge you in is to learn and take action on bridling and channeling the emotions for your benefit...

Anger is good, and a part of the process...and it can be great if harnessed appropriately
Please request that Vanilla share the wisdom on anger...you are in need of such knowledge..
Vets have noticed your plight...they are reaching out...recognize this...embrace it...much wisdom and strength is being gifted to you...be gracious in the receiving of the gift.

Ginger is tuff as nails and can share cold hard realities so that you may benefit...strength and confidence can be earned......train with her...

Sotto is a master of self care...much knowledge and understanding for you... peace and calm can be obtained...counsel with her...

Vanilla is a guru on much that is emotional intelligence...self mastery can be worked towards...confidence of thought, emotions and feelings will be learned...sit and learn from her.

The focus is you...it always has been here...DBing...has many other names in principles if you seek further...self must come first...relationships...the kind that we all desire...can and will only come as we maintain that focus.

My time is short...but you know that I am here in support of you...since the beginning of your residency in this community...I am praying for you my dear friend.

Please take the hands that reach to you...you do not have to go at this alone.

(((((Sara)))))