was or what 8

[job]

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it and to roist, happy anniversary to you.

[Zephyr]

thank you.

there is So much to be thankful for, especially you wonderful folks!

[roist]

I don't write much on my threads any more basically because I have nothing new to add about my situation. Compared to others here I have less to complain about. Yet I would not wish my situation on anyone. One day I hope to share my learning with my sons to help them have better Rs. But I often wondered what advice I would give them in my situation.

I truly value the concept of M and the commitment given on that day. But I would hate either of my sons go through what I have the last few years.And again I realise other spouses here behave a lot worse than my W. I really admire those who continue to stand in such circumstances.

Friday evening some friends organised a nighttime jog on country paths near us. I had never done that. I enjoyed it. Plus it ticked a lot of box s for me.
# GAL
# sport
# with friends
# out of the house
# something new

It was followed by drinks and food until the early hours!! In the room there were two married men without there wives. One couple in long term R but not married and two couples of divorced guys with new girlfriends. We had no babysitter, but I suspect that suited both of us!!

Another guy from this group wasn't there but he is the WH I mentioned earlier. He is moving out at the end of the year. That will be the fifth couple breaking up since I decided to work towards saving my m two years ago. Back then I thought we would have been the first!

Saturday we were 21 years together. I don't really consider us as being together but we are not separated. Anyway I bought a card and put a simple message on it. I gave it to her just as we went to bed. Until then neither of us mentioned it. It got a smile (though maybe forced! Idkj) I got a thank you kiss. I said happy anniversary and she replied the same.

I honesty can't say if we are better or worse than two years ago. Either way we are not good. I am different though. I am stronger. I was better a while back but am confident I will get back on track again.

I spoke with IC last week for first time in a long time. She wasn't pleased that I still hadn't followed her advice to talk to W and tell her this didn't suit me and state my needs. It has been nine months since any R talk. She kept talking about basic needs and what R should entail.I said I totally agreed with her and said it's by choice and not fear that I have not broached this subject.

Sunday we had neighbours over for lunch. It was nice to have the two families interacting together. Keeping up appearances!!

So all and all, I had a good weekend.

I have other issues to deal with so that is my focus at the moment. Plus I am putting together my actions for 2017. Time to unstick myself!!

[Esame]

Congratulations for not engaging in any R talks in 9 months. What an achievement! I think you should keep that up, in my experience R talks with a MLCer hurt. Nothing good comes out of it, and it should be avoided at all costs.

I'm glad you are well, and planning ahead.

[roist]

Thank you Esame. Before last February it was a year since we had a R talk. And before that were three months of me in hyper save M mode with associated quite a few R discussions. At the end of this period I had myself together and sat her down and asked for the naked truth of where we were. I pushed but even then didn't voice a bomb drop. Now I don't need verbal confirmation of where we are at.

I don't want an in house separation but living as a couple ignoring the huge white elephant that is ever present is not much better. It has been a long time since I desired talking to her with the aim of working on this. That I know won't help. But I do at times have the urge to say this situation does not suit me and isn't how I want to live.

So yes I try to focus on other stuff with relative success. The best way forward is to work towards a better future and a better life and especially a better happier me.

[roist]

Thank you Esame. Before last February it was a year since we had a R talk. And before that were three months of me in hyper save M mode with associated quite a few R discussions. At the end of this period I had myself together and sat her down and asked for the naked truth of where we were. I pushed but even then didn't voice a bomb drop. Now I don't need verbal confirmation of where we are at.

I don't want an in house separation but living as a couple ignoring the huge white elephant that is ever present is not much better. It has been a long time since I desired talking to her with the aim of working on this. That I know won't help. But I do at times have the urge to say this situation does not suit me and isn't how I want to live.

So yes I try to focus on other stuff with relative success. The best way forward is to work towards a better future and a better life and especially a better happier me.

[roist]

FTaking a few minutes to mention two things today.

I am just after dropping my sons to school and I met a mother we know. We chatted. I asked how her son and husband are. She is moving out this weekend!! That is the SIXTH couple we know in this small community to separate since I came to this site.

I am starting to feel untrendy to still want to be married.

Joking aside it does feel like a huge wave of ruptured marriages is sweeping us away and I am standing alone against this inevitable destruction. Trying to find a positive, we have outlasted these six couples. Maybe a good goal will be to not be couple number 7!

She asked how things were for us. I lied and said all is okay thanks

The second item I wanted some feedback on is my interactions with W. For the most part communication is limited. We exchange information rather than discuss. There are times when it is better but intermittent. At this stage I don't feel like talking to someone who doesn't want to either. So rather than say stuff, I say nothing.

If we cannot talk I don't feel like spending time with her either. Twice in the last week we started watching a film. Half an hour into it , I don't like the film so I go do something else. Both times W asked if I wanted to watch something else. Both times I suggested she could continue watching it as she had started.

The thing is that my W is always available to do NOTHING with me. We could spend every evening doing nothing together on the couch. When I come down from putting son to bed and if she is on computer I think she is busy so I go do something. Later she may tell me she was just doing that whilst waiting.

Sometimes it feels like a wasted opportunity as myW is available. At the moment I prefer doing stuff without her. If I could choose I would choose spending quality time with her. But productive or quality time without her is more attractive to me than poor quality time together.

Recently I wrote that I didn't know if we were better or worse than two years ago. Now I think we are worse. When things slip towards being worse, I let them slip. It is hard to watch things slip, but trying to stop it happen enhanced the slip. Letting her have her distance does seem better.

Any thoughts?

Best wishes

[ForeverYoung]

Hi roist,

Are you excited about anything in your life? If not, why not? If yes, do you tell your wife about it? It will be difficult for her to be excited over you, if you’re not excited about your own life. Start really enjoying your life and she may decide to join in. …Or be jealous and angry with herself for being a mope and not doing anything…

^^^ but that can be a good thing as it pushes her outside the box she is stuck in.

Is there anything W ever shows interest in? Do you ever try to foster or engage in these interests?

I like to engage and monitor. If she’s receptive, we talk/do stuff together. If she’s not, I’m off and gone, got stuff to do.

Bottom line is she does need time and space. You can’t fix whatever issues she is going through right now, she has to do it for herself. But you can support her. And you guys can have some good times together during this period.

[ForeverYoung]

Oh, and if I'm way off, let me know. It wouldn't be the first time!

[roist]

Thank you FY. I will reply when I start my new thread.

Happy Saturday to anyone reading.

Best wishes