I am 33. My husband is 41. We have been married for 10 years, together 13. We have one child, have been doing fertility treatments for over a year for the 2nd one.
He said that he thought maybe we should divorce and he wasn't sure he loved me, that he has always had doubts. I freaked out. He didn't understand why I was so upset-- said he thought it was normal to think about divorce, etc. I don't agree that this is normal at all.
He later said he was sorry he does love me, etc. But he isn't acting that sorry or loving. He says he has to protect himself from my extreme reaction. I think my reaction is appropriate. I can't stand to sleep in the same room right now. I used to sleep next to my husband-- the person who was sure they loved me, the person I trusted the most, and felt safe with. Not sure who this is.
He was surprised I wasn't over it yet. We start counseling very soon.
The big issues seem to be career related. I absolutely do not want a divorce. I would have said we had a very good relationship-- he agrees that we mostly do. But I have had a really rough year or so with my career after a hard time in general. The smaller geo area we live in is very difficult for that. He makes more in tech so I have really been trying to make it work here. But as he moves closer to retirement he could work remotely and that isn't an option for me. So I have been talking with him about cities to live, places I want to research and have him think about, etc. He always agreed we might need to move for my career, and I know he doesn't like the idea, but I'm happy to negotiate, to try moving back or to somewhere nearby if he doesn't like the new area, etc. My career is my calling and very important to me-- my goals are the same as they were on the wedding day.
He has been under pressure at work-- issues with a difficult co worker and really letting it get him down. It got to the point where it was too difficult for me to always discuss his stuff with him and not my stuff about how to advance my career. So I made a deal where if he got to talk about his stuff, we talked about mine. I thought this was ok. Then he says maybe we should divorce so I can move away for a job and he of course imagines keeping the family, dog, etc. and living this life that is easier because I won't be here to ask him to help pick up the house. That he feels controlled at work. But what does that have to do with me? I know he has been a bit depressed lately- he is in therapy, and I suggested talking meds with his doctor as he has been getting into really disruptive sleep patterns and things lately.
But what! I thought we had shared dreams and goals for the future. I think we have a really good relationship-- or I did. And I really want this to work-- I ordered Divorce Remedy. But I don't think I can just give up all my career goals and dreams. I feel there needs to be compromise and negotiation and some flexibility on his part too. He doesn't have friends or family in our town. I want support and some give for my career, too. It doesn't seem fair to ask me to do all that and I know if he did I would really feel like a part of me was missing and I would resent him for that and this would damage the relationship. My other deal breaker is expecting me to do all the tidying and picking up around the house. I don't care if he doesn't clean but I don't want to live in a place where every room in a mess and no one else picks up-- I hate tidying up very much, and am willing to do my share, but not his. I feel this is reasonable.
The whole not really sure if he loves me thing and not being willing to talk about stuff (he talks about how he is controlled at work...) until counseling has me scared. I'm afraid he will decide our relationship isn't worth any work or give on his part and divorce me and try to chain me to this area where I can't get a career position and that will negatively impact the lives of myself and my kid forever. What if he decides he does love me now but then wants to break my heart again in a year? Is this his depression talking? does he really not know for sure if he loves me?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have a question-- I have noticed in other threads that people advise not to share the book with the spouse. But I already talked to mine about the idea and told him I ordered that. Why would that be manipulation if we don't want to divorce?
Sorry about your situation. In response to your title, most of us that are on here are depressed. We are in similar situations and have felt similar things. Read everything that was recommended. Everything on detaching addresses your last paragraph. Really process that information. It's not easy and you need to get honest with yourself but it works. Hang in there.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Originally Posted By: 123lost
I have a question-- I have noticed in other threads that people advise not to share the book with the spouse. But I already talked to mine about the idea and told him I ordered that. Why would that be manipulation if we don't want to divorce?
I think the best thing to do is to now keep quiet about it, if he questions you then you will have a decsion to make.
Think of it like having a sports game like football and sharing the playbook with the other team. And then telling them what play you are going to run. It kind of defeats the purpose.
Last edited by Cadet; 11/29/1603:10 PM. Reason: add additional quote
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Please take a deep breath and slow down. You mentioned that you are starting counseling very soon. Is this together or individually?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
wow...your story sounds very similar to mine. Married 22 years, been together 23. One child, 20 years. Daughter moved to college, MIL (who is very difficult) moved in, his brother died, and our best friends moved 2000 miles away.
Our life was amazing, we had/have the best marriage of anyone we know. Everyone calls us the perfect couple. Then about 3 months ago he just started detaching. He didn't show affection as much, he didn't say he loved me as much, he started wanting to spend time alone, he was texting others all the time. I was noticing and I was not happy. I expressed this which made it worse. I became suspicious that there was someone else and started snooping his emails, texts, etc. He found out and became angry. We were falling apart. Suddenly, he didn't know if he loved me...then the next day he did, then the next he'd wouldn't come home and would be parked in a parking lot sleeping to 'be alone'. Well, we sought counseling, and he's talking to his medical doctor. Turns out his Testosterone is extremely low which is causing mood swings, forgetfulness, irritability, etc. The life changes of loosing friends, family, daughter growing up and the MIL moving in only intensified things. And of course, since our relationship is the most prominate in his life, he took it out on me. Be strong, don't expect him to be nice or show you love. My husband came around when I told him I was tired of crying and trying to hold onto something that didn't want to held on to. So in a month, 2 counseling sessions, a lot of talks, agreements by me to be understanding, and agreements of him to not leave me alone to think. Think in another room, go surf the net, play a video game, etc. But, don't shut me out completely....we are moving forward and I actually feel more loved than I have in years. He doesn't say it as much, but he says things to the therapist like 'it's me and my wife against the world' I hate that he feels like the world is against him, but at least he want me by his side. Go to my posts and read. I've just joined but our story has developed over a 3 month span. I think you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone, I know I do.
I think it should be noted, regardless of the cause, a WAS (or someone who is almost ready to walk away), will often speak in complete negatives. You need to take everything they say, with a grain of salt. Does he love you? Maybe, maybe not. Will he say that he doesn't love you and possibly never did? ABSOLUTELY!.....A WAS has to have an internal and external dialogue running. They have to repaint the past and confirm their thoughts of leaving the relationship. Keep in mind, this process is very confusing for the WAS too. He's struggling with this, trust me. The WAS doesn't know whether they should trust their thoughts. So, they try to reinforce them, by speaking in complete negatives and drastically searching for things, Or often forcing things to happen, to confirm they are making the right decision.
Me again....I also think that your fertility treatments could be the set off. My cousin and her husband had to abandon their treatments. It was taking a toll on my cousin's health and her husband was having issues in dealing with his lack of fathering a child. I suggest a marriage counselor. Sounds like your husband loves you but is lost in his own 'selfish, depressive' state. Until he fixes him, and you fix you....your marriage wont be fixed. My husband describes his feelings as being 'numb, lacking feeling, and not being able to find emotion' He said he knows he should be feeling something when I cry, but he just has no feeling. Nothing. Not that he hates or dislikes me, not that he's mad, nothing. Good luck and keep me posted.
Yes! It does go in positives and negatives. We had our first counseling the session the other day and feel mostly hopeful. The counselor near the close of the session had us rate our commitment to the marriage on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being least committed and 5 being most. I went first and figured he would rate lower than me. I said I am a 4 now, but would be a 5 if I felt loved without reservation, like space was held for my hopes and dreams and wants for the future so we can compromise, like I was wanted and cherished. My husband said he was a 5 out of 5. It really depends on when he says something.
Out counseling we talked about how we had gone earlier in our marriage, before having a child, which I initiated because I thought we weren't communicating as well as we could be and a pound of prevention... According to my husband, we agreed it was quite useful, and I still use the stuff we learned. Then the other day he is telling me no, not really true he just learned better coping methods so he didn't feel attacked my by need to communicate and work things out. Then I brought up how I felt so blindsided because I had made a point of bringing up our relationship every several months and asking how things were going, bring up any concerns, I think it is going good, really well, etc. what do you think type conversation. I am not good at reading non-verbal cues-- I have some issues with that diagnosed since a young age and have worked quite a bit on them, but well I do miss things and my husband knew this shortly after we started dated and I made a point to bring this up and how we had to talk, talk, talk. All I ever heard was no problem, we are doing really well, etc. So my husband says "no, I never lied, there were signs" the counselor was, "so you lied". I felt so validated. Later, at home, (and before this when I brought it up) he said well it was mostly good or really good.
This is the part I still don't understand. He is mostly sure he loves me (but who can really be sure--yeesh), and it is mostly good to really good but yet he feels the need to explore divorce? What is this post divorce life he imagines? Does he imagine my various annoyances (we all have them) are gone and he gets to just parent all the time however he wants letting the house be as messy as he likes? Because I would get more custody I imagine as the one who does more parenting in terms of things like daily routines, knows more about the child, etc. And if he keeps things a huge mess like he wants then I will go to court to not allow my kid in that...
But the truth is that it doesn't matter much where I am or how much utter crap at least half (ok 70%) strikes me as. We have a child. Hopefully another soon. If I even try to ask more than once in a bit if he is sure he is ready and wants another with me, he says, a third one, oh we will see... I am sure we really want another one. So I can't divorce him. And I have to do what I can to keep him from leaving, within reason. I know kids think get divorced if it is miserable at home, so we have to make sure it is good and not miserable at home. But unless things are just terrible, we really need to stay together for the offspring until they are grown.
The economics of it alone makes more sense. Sure I would get several years of spousal support and more than that of child support and in other places a good job (marginally employed here right now). But it still wouldn't be what my child would have at home with both parents. I grew up with only parent due to death and want better for mine.
So even if it isn't enough for me-- if I am not loved, cherished, have space made for me, etc. well too bad. I am a mother. It makes me feel a bit hollow.
I broke down a bit during the session and just started sobbing more and more-- it still hurts so much. And the therapist was "how does it make you feel to see your wife so hurt and upset" my husband was, oh, it is a bit of relief to see I got through. Not bothered in the least. Who is this man? This can't be my husband I keep thinking. My husband adored me and wouldn't want to hurt me like this. My husband was the person I felt the best with. I'm still me. Where did he go? Honestly, I think he lost his fool mind. I wish he was on something, maybe. It would make more sense.
He still talks about work dynamics and interpersonal relationships there, what he might read about it. I keep thinking (but was proud of myself for not saying) why are spending so much energy thinking about work relationships when you can be working on ours? Where is half this thoughtfulness at home?
