Man, sometimes opening up on here is rough, I feel like i'm going to disappoint you, but I've always wanted to be completely open and honest in what i'm going through, I don't see any reason to be here otherwise.
It's been a interesting last couple of weeks. I ended communication with the M female friend that I had developed feelings for, and decided that I am going to file for D about two weeks ago. And then I went on a vodka diet and lost at least 3 days... yesterday was my first day without getting wasted in the last two weeks.
Not the healthiest way to handle myself, but definitely made for a real eye opener. Now I didn't go hide in a room for two weeks (although I wanted to), I still went to work (minus two days I called out sick)and still went to dinner or small outings with family, but when I knew my schedule was clear for the rest of the day, I started drinking at home. Every day I woke up feeling like crap, and every night after I was wasted I asked myself what the heck I was doing, but yet the cycle repeated... I imagine that is what some who drink every day for years feel like, not wanting to do it and knowing they shouldn't, but yet continue the daily cycle non-the less.
Anyway, yesterday I decided I was done. I canceled the plans I had and decided that I needed to spend the day at home and not drink. I walked around the neighborhood, went fishing in the neighborhood lake, watched some TV and cleaned around the house. Basically starting to train my brain on doing things around the house without pouring a drink.
If I can't go at least the next two weeks without drinking, i'll be looking up AA for assistance with making sure I don't go down that path.
I'm not sure if I did it just because I could (single, living alone, no responsibility) or because I'm sad and was masking the pain. There has been no crying, I don't think of WW much and I don't think I would ever go back even if the opportunity presented itself (although I do miss my son and dogs)...
As for today, I feel great, going to the gym with a friend after work, and shopping for my contribution to thanksgiving dinner.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Be careful not to fall down that rabbit hole with booze. I started doing the same thing for a bit and it just leads to bad things. All the bad stuff comes to the surface when you're loaded. Not good.
((Coconut)), the quality of honesty and bravery to try something new has always been evident about you. I admire the people here who have the spunk to make a new life for themselves. It must take an incredible amount of strength and courage. Something I have not ignored about you is whenever you see you are going down the wrong avenue.......you have the guts to do something to change your direction.
Thank you for staying in touch. Frankly, I really like hearing from you. There is life after divorce. I haven't experienced it myself, but I have seen it. Please stay healthy. You are too valuable to waste.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Coconut, it was brave of you to post that and I'm glad you have realised that isn't a road you want to go down.
A good friend of mine realised she started drinking home alone a number of years ago. When she realised how much she had been drinking, it shocked her and she gave up drink completely.
For you, this sounds like a wake up call and you realise your relationship with alcohol isn't healthy at the moment. The thing is, if you carry on down that path - using alcohol to deal with life - the alcohol use itself becomes a significant problem to tackle - ie: another layer onto an already difficult situation.
I hope you'll make early contact with AA and get the support you need to deal with this and we of course will be here to offer support.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
C-Nut. I have always been drawn to you because of your openness and transparency, and you take your 2*4s in stride. ... I really do feel for you. I have not shared this, but I have also had some issues with substance abuse. It can be terribly confusing, and I don't consider myself an addict. Although some might even call that denial. .... I thank you for hour honesty and bravery to share. Your insight into yourself appears to be your greatest strength. It's been one he11ava year, but I believe you will get through this and be so much stronger.
(((C-nut)))
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I haven't been coming to the boards as much, as I find sometimes it triggers a little sadness in me to read the newbies stories, I find myself mentally going back to the beginning of my sitch.. I still come on occasionally and try and provide some support, but I keep my visits pretty short.
Anyway, I'm doing well, I have stopped the daily drinking, knowing it wasn't something I wanted to make a habit of.
I hope everyone was able to find some happiness over the holiday, I know it's a tough time of the year to be dealing with this stuff, but hopefully you were able to find time with friends and/or family that allowed you to enjoy the moment, even if the moment wasn't what you thought it would be.
In my case, my sons b-day was Monday, my wifes is this coming Monday and mine is the Monday after that.. it's always been a very very busy time of year, but a lot less so this year. I threw a b-day party for my son, we had a lot of fun. Don't think i'll be doing anything special for mine, probably just hang out with friends, maybe dinner with family, but that's all I want so it works for me.
I've stopped moving forward on filing for D. I have no intention of getting back with my ex, but the filing of the paperwork was really getting me down, so I put that on hold for now.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I have no intention of getting back with my ex, but the filing of the paperwork was really getting me down, so I put that on hold for now.
Coconut,
Your statement got me thinking (that's never a good thing). Why do we have to go through the hassle and expense of divorce? Why can't we simply make it a business transaction? You could put your 50% of the marriage license up for sale on eBay. When you find a buyer, it could be similar to transferring the title to a car. No pesky lawyers; just a small fee. That would reduce the hassle and expense of divorce, and you might be able to pocket enough cash to put a down payment on a Harley.
On the other hand, if the spouse is a real clunker, you might have to pay to have the spouse hauled to junk yard or you could donate the spouse to charity. There's always someone looking around for a "fixer-upper." You could even start a television show called "This Old Spouse." The possibilities are endless...
This old spouse, lmfao, doodler you are too much...
It really is ridiculous that my state doesn't have legal separations, so for me to remove my legal attachment to her and any debt she accrues I have to pay the fees and file all the paperwork... She could literally not do anything, doesn't even need to respond to the serving of papers, I would be able to end the M, but at my expense and effort, even though she's the one that gave up.
Ugh...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
This old spouse, lmfao, doodler you are too much...
It really is ridiculous that my state doesn't have legal separations, so for me to remove my legal attachment to her and any debt she accrues I have to pay the fees and file all the paperwork... She could literally not do anything, doesn't even need to respond to the serving of papers, I would be able to end the M, but at my expense and effort, even though she's the one that gave up.
Ugh...
Nothing about this is fair. The WAS will never really know the pain they inflicted, they may never feel remorseful, they might even feel they were the victim and always see themselves as the wronged party, they might even get lucky and find happiness with their latest A partner. Or they might mature into some deep and loving loyal partner just in time for that person. And they may be applauded by their friends and family for being strong enough to 'follow their heart' while they rip your children from your arms and deprive them of the type of fam-
OK, I'm going to stop right there. Calming myself before I lock up your thread. Point is, you're right, it's not fair. And that takes time to accept.
Just keep walking. Acceptance will come. And what's cool is at some point fair won't really matter because you won't need validation, revenge, or anything from her. Someday when you expect that it will never happen you'll wake up truly detached and realize 'fair' doesn't trigger you anymore because that implies some type of comparison or attachment to things out of your control, whereas you'll be such a rock that you'll only care about two things: Appreciating what you have and striving to do your best from where you're at daily. And when you do those things you'll ALWAYS be ok.
At some point she stops to matter and you do what's best for you. Pretending she was just a robot with no ties to you, would filing be best for you or is staying legally M best for you and your children?
Take care of yourself and keep fighting the good fight.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
