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#2718471 11/30/16 12:31 PM
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Bippy78 Offline OP
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So, I was actually last on here a few years ago with the standard XW with affairs, stolen money, lies, abuse of children - I did not save my marriage, but through the friends and advice on here, I saved myself!

I am not married now, but in a 2.5 year relationship that seems to have somehow followed the WAW syndrome.

Originally, I met SO and we went on a date, but I decided I wasn't quite ready to date yet; we continued to communicate and really became pretty much best friends quickly, and from that point on, we talked every single day. We did hang out a few times, but she was dating, and I was focused on myself, so nothing came of it. About 6 months later, I was bored one night, we were texting and I asked her on a date - for some reason, this time it was pretty much love at first sight.

The good of the next 2 years - incredibly compatible. On religion/faith, kids, dreams, vacations, food, pets, location, sex, politics. I used to keep a joke running tally of how many things we agreed on. Our kids met after about a year, and were crazy about each other - there was no "blending", they did it all. My friends and family loved her, and vice versa. We travelled, I helped her buy a house (the logistics), helped her raise a puppy, she spoiled my kids. Almost idyllic for the largest part.

The bad of the next 2 years - she is ACOA and XH worked 90 hour weeks leaving her alone with a daughter for 6 years. I struggled mightily with trust because of aforementioned XW, and the two of these together sometimes brought about pretty chaotic moments, many of which I admit were my fault. Because of my background with DB, I did go to counseling and work on my side of things and found immense relief.

Things steadily got better through this past summer, but SO seemed to get distant oddly enough. Finally, we talked about how we had both been through a lot, and maybe needed some time to regroup, so we agreed in July to step back, focus on ourselves, and take some time to heal. I went very dim for about a month, went to weekly counseling, read a ton of relationship books. I contacted her about a month later, and we saw each other a few times over the next couple months, but she was VERY guarded, although she reiterated that she loved me and complimented me often on my personal growth. She mentioned several barriers to our success, said that she didn't believe that I had healed enough from my issues, and that some things would have to change for us to be together.

I told her I understood and was in agreement, and maybe it would even be good to scale things back a little, and move even more slowly. She said she didn't think it would work out, and had actually starting seeing someone back in July (when we originally agreed to take some time) - even though she had spent several days with me over the last several weeks, told me she loved me many times, etc. It floored me! She said he was just a very nice guy, it was not a relationship, she wasn't sleeping with him, and he promised her that she could just "be herself". I was stunned, and went into the typical non-DB of reminding her of what she said, that it was really crappy, that we both knew our history. I sent her lots of texts and calls and she said she was happy in this non-relationship, and didn't want to try again. She said she was now moving on, gave the ILYBINILWY quote (even though she had said she loved me like 2 weeks earlier), she would not change her mind, etc. She told my friends she was moving on and wanted nothing to do with me.

We finally met and spoke in person about a month ago, and she was completely the opposite - she was kind and told me she was so impressed with how hard I had worked and the obvious growth. I told her that I was happy she had met someone, and actually got up to leave, and she said, "Don't you want to stay and talk?" I asked her what the purpose was if she had started another relationship, and she said she was not in love with OM, wasn't sure if it would work out, and who knew what time would tell for us, and she was so glad we talked. She told me how handsome I looked, and I fixed a hanging light for her, and she said I was very handy and OM wasn't handy at ALL. I texted her a few days later asking her how she would like to proceed, be friends, etc, and she was back to the opposite - hard, cold, "it's over", "I'm done", and proceeded to block my phone. I was confused, and went to talk to her again, and she was oddly again very sweet, and said she just needed to think about things. I emailed her the next week again saying that I wanted us to just be open, and she was BACK to hard and cold, and threatened to block my email.

Luckily, I remembered the DB lessons, and quit all the pursuit after about 2-2.5 weeks, and subsequently have gone completely dark. Her good friend told me that OM is a rebound relationship and he is very bland and nice and mild, basically doesn't rock the boat.

I dunno, just journaling so the thoughts are out of my head, and I can see them a bit more objectively! - obviously we don't have a marriage to save, but when I step back from the emotional aspect of this, there is more than enough good things to give an effort to someone who clearly is hurting right now. I know I needed to stop pursuit, and I knew I needed to go dark right now, so just trying to figure out my next steps.


“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Bippy78 Offline OP
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I am gonna post my current thoughts so I can look back on my frame of mind in the weeks to come. I forgot to mention no snooping as well. I wasn't doing it a ton, but like I follow SO's sister's Instagram, so I just unfollowed it. Blocked on Facebook - anything where I can casually look. And I'm honestly not bothered anymore. Definitely no temperature taking.

We don't have anything like divorce proceedings or kids to accommodate any real reason for specific communication, so my idea is a touchpoint of communication after what will be about 6 weeks of going dark. Her birthday is Christmas Eve - she has complained how her family and ex's always just lumped her in with Christmas - so last year I made a big deal out of her birthday with flowers and balloons and a cake, and it made her so happy.

She said no guy in her entire history had ever done that, and she was just on cloud nine for weeks. I am thinking of doing something low-key this year - like a non-romantic card that just says "Hey didn't want your birthday to get lost in Christmas like usual, so I hope it's amazing!"

I have 3 weeks to think about it, so just tossing it out here.


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So what do you want to accomplish?


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Bippy78 Offline OP
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I am just looking back at my experience with XW - I did the pursuing for months and it was awful, but when I finally was able to convince myself to truly DB, she came back after about 4 months of going dark. We already had a filed and signed D, and she stopped it. I'm not necessarily expecting the same behavior, but trying to use the principles. I feel like I'm in a much better place now thanks to DBing, actually re-read the book again (although again I'm not married).

What I'm stepping back and seeing are the facts - SO is exhibiting very similar signs to XW as a WAW. She told me last month when we spent a day together that I was "back to being the man she met", and "I wish I could trust that things would continue to improve". She jumped into a rebound relationship, but doesn't know how to define it except to say it's "not a relationship", and this is something she has told others. She is sweet and kind and talks about our future one minute, and is cold and "done" the next. Clearly, she's very confused, and I am not going to try to decipher anything; but I have learned the hard way from experience and others on here that the one thing that works is to let go, and let go early before you run it into the ground.

She has seen, pointed out, and knows that I put in a significant amount of work on myself. Not for her, but for ME, and she has specifically said she has seen and likes the results. She has compared me favorably to the OM several times. So, instead of temperature checking and pressuring, I'm backing off. I'm sure there is some hurt that is causing the kind of wild swings of emotion, and we all know what that's like.

So as far as accomplish:
1. Space for her to heal and grow, and let the changes sink in. This is something that we had talked about late summer, but I think at the time we were in conflict. Now, she has specifically recognized how much I've accomplished, and I'm glad I'm leaving her with that. I have no time limit on this. I figure when I am done, I'll be done.
2. Time to let the "nice guy" OM friend fizzle out if it's going to. Again, lesson learned, you can't make inroads while the OP is providing the fun emotional filler they seek.
3. Continue focusing on myself. I am probably having the most successful personal growth of my life, and it's amazing.
4. After a period of time (I arbitrarily chose 6 weeks), reach out in a non-threatening, non-romantic way, and just see how/if she responds.

Those seem somewhat reasonable to me, but that's why I'm writing them down. I am trying to find a balance between realizing I need to let things shake out if I want to hope for a reconciliation, but also continue moving on and not getting bogged down if things are truly done.


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Originally Posted By: Bippy78
I am trying to find a balance between realizing I need to let things shake out if I want to hope for a reconciliation, but also continue moving on and not getting bogged down if things are truly done.

So you are looking to save this relationship?
Or not.
Quote:
I am probably having the most successful personal growth of my life, and it's amazing.

So care to share any of this information?

Specifically maybe how did you get to this point?
And what do you change moving forward?


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Bippy78 Offline OP
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Well, I typed like 5 paragraphs then decided to just answer your questions:

So you are looking to save this relationship?
Yes.


Specifically maybe how did you get to this point?
2+ years of counseling, praying, seeking counsel from friends, reading everything I could get my hands on, practicing meditation and self-control, learning to listen to hear instead of reply, learning the 5LLs, and on and on. It has not come easy, but it has been powerful.

And what do you change moving forward?
Quite honestly, when we mutually agreed to the time to heal, SO had already seen and recognized the changes in me, and the next 4-5 months were me just REALLY hunkering down and putting into practice what I had learned in every aspect of my life. When we agreed to take the time, she said she loved and adored me and wanted to work on things with me, and believed in the future.

So, I really don't understand why she jumped into this odd relationship at that point, and somehow disconnected her heart, and really turned sorta ugly and mean at times. When we reconnected, she said, "You are back to being the man I fell in love with". So, I don't even know what I would change or adjust, because I literally have had no chance to interact with her significantly with the new perspective and approach I have. My only assumption is that maybe she is just still stuck on some of the hurts from the past, and like many WAW, having trouble believing in real change. She did at one point say, "I wish you had been like this 6 months ago." Maybe some of that WAW resentment that you didn't change sooner? I'm just thinking out loud.


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Originally Posted By: Bippy78
So, I really don't understand why she jumped into this odd relationship at that point, and somehow disconnected her heart, and really turned sorta ugly and mean at times.

Maybe it has nothing to do with you.

Have you considered that?


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Based on what you wrote (which I realize is just a limited perspective), your GF does not sound like a very mature, stable person. She's flip-flopping in her position, and not communicating to you clearly what she's thinking. If you look at her whole life, what is the overall pattern? What is her character?

Also, what -- if anything -- does your GF have in common with your XW? Maybe you tend to gravitate towards same type of people....


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Originally Posted By: Cadet

Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Have you considered that?


I'm absolutely certain it has nothing to do with me. It was more of a rhetorical question... I've read enough stories on here, and seen enough in my own experience to realize that it's their own hurt, anger, frustration, pick your emotion.


@ForGump - I would say she is relationally immature, and she admits it and has been to counseling for it. I have gone to some Al Anon groups to understand the ACOA mindset, and they are unbelievably adverse to conflict because of the chaos that type of life inflicts.

And, she has VERY little in common with XW except for both had a background of abuse - which I have discovered has been a draw to me from the last couple years of counseling. I'm definitely a fixer type - which is why I suggested time apart, and when she turned odd, I tried to very quickly decouple and stop chasing in this because I knew I would get sucked into trying to "fix it".


“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha
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