That's me in the spotlight

[bttrfly]

woot! have fun! xoxoxo

[Altair]

Journaling.
Party last night was fun. Zero people there know H or even of his existence, that took the edge off I think. Italians hosted and I ended up eating A LOT. Like, a piece of homemade focaccia, pizza, cous cous, two holiday cookies and some chocolate. I think that's more than I've eaten in the past six months, gotta keep on the D diet lol.
I tried to be a good guest and listener and have fun and enjoy myself and block out the film of self-loathing that coats me after I so unfortunately realize how deeply I have internalized all H told me six months ago about why he didn't want to be with me. Note to self to discuss with IC. There was a very beautiful and much younger than me woman lamenting about being single. There were a few younger gents there who came unattached-- she seemed a bit threatened by me. I would guess her desperation was palpable to the men and me, well I'm most likely some mysterious person who is...not desperate? I thought, gaah, look at you, young and beautiful and telling the room about your singledom, just NO! Don't!
I ended up talking to the hostess for a long time about how she prepared all of the dishes.
It's weird, I'm sure there was a time in my life when attention from attractive men would have made me feel better in some way in the middle of a heartbreak. But right now, naah.
The couple got a new apartment, which was very cute. Another couple were talking about their massive home renovation. I've done all of these things in my life. I didn't feel envy for anyone, I just felt disconnected (like a star in outer space?)
It. Is. Weird. To be in this entirely new life of strangers. Heck, I could change my name and ask to be called something else, no one would be the wiser.
Obviously, it was a red flag that I immersed myself totally in H's family, and to a lesser degree, his friends. Even if we were to reconcile it is important to maintain my own life, which I let slip especially since moving here.
I'm a homebody, I like throwing dinner parties, I like cooking for people, I can see how I ended up with not so many friends (but good ones FWIW). I've gone through periods where I isolated myself, buried myself in my work (my one success lol). Forcing myself out there to GAL.

[AndrewP]

Altair - Good for you! I think you are under-rating yourself. You have far more than "one success". You are becoming the best Altair that ever was for one thing. I'm looking forward to that film continuing to crack and for you to emerge and spread your wings.

I used to joke with people that the three magic words that "saved my marriage" were "Have Fun Dear". I think those are good words for us to all remember as we build our new lives. You certainly seem to be embracing that concept too.

Continue to take care of and love yourself. My ironing is done, perhaps a small glass of "chicken milk" and then dinner. It felt good to look at the line of freshly ironed shirts and pressed pants and know that I am ready for the next week.

[Altair]

Hi A.P., and thank you for mentioning the film-crack. I sure as heck need that. It's an egg! It's like a sad-encasement I've made. I took all the horrible stuff H said and decided this is why I can't be free.

Not my genre, but wow: A Perfect Circle (group) A stranger (song) is my feeling right now.

[d_Rose]

Hi Altair. Just stopping by for the first time. Read your sitch. We have similar timelines for BD. You sound like you are doing so well. I have my days.... Lots of triggers this time of year. Nice to hear your social calendar is full!

I also tend to be more of a homebody, and have been focused on kid activities for so many years. Trying discover how to GAL and where my interests may lie. Some of this work I would need to be doing regardless of MLC as my kids leave the house and I have more time for me. Moving to the next phase....

Anyway - nothing big to add. Just wanted to say hi.

[Altair]

Hi Rose,
thanks for stopping by. I think your point about GALing due to impending empty nester sitch is a good one. You have to do it anyway...so do it!
I don't feel like I am doing so well! In terms of how much time I end up ruminating over everything-- but at least I have a better understanding of why my brain cannot stop cycling.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, sounds like the party went well. I like your observations of the single, young female reaking of desperation. Maybe that's the how I come across to my H! However I am like you in that I don't have any interest in the opposite sex at the moment apart from my H. It's quite liberating to not feel you have to impress anyone and I definitely don't feel I need or want to.

Glad you had the opportunity to indulge in some good food, I especially love cous cous as well! Although my anxiety is still keeping my weight off I have also started to eat a little better and the holiday season is always an excuse to over indulge!

I get the sense Altair that something has shifted in you, a sort of quiet acceptance of your sitch? Since you've gone NC you've come along in leaps and bounds with your GAL'ng and it sounds like it helps when you are in the company of people who don't know your H. This is something I need to take on board although I still struggle with the GAL'ng because I too am so much of a homebody.

Can't wait to hear about the next party! I'm just going to live vicariously through you!!

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
Ha! Not sure my parties I attend are anything to live vicarously through, but maybe! You're going to love my latest GAL-- I've accepted a request to cat sit and.... CHICKEN SIT!
It so happens a co-worker has chickens! In this big ole city! They live really close to me- 2ish miles. I, of course, did not want to accept this duty next week while they holiday and I... sit at their house alone with a cat and chickens. But I said yes! why not? I do miss owning a home, for sure. This will be a nice change of habitat.

Yes, I believe something has shifted inside of me. I think it has been a huge plus my GAL has nothing to do with H-- actually with NC it is best that way, for sure, but extra hard for the homebody. (GAL homebody at.. other people's home? lol)

Let's see, where am I at this second in my thinking. Well, disappearing from a marriage isn't "normal". It's gotten to the point for me where, it's just... beyond. (I know, hello MLC/depression). It's so irrational at this point I find it hard to even consider H reasons for leaving at this point-- they don't make sense, don't connect to anything, etc... Blaming me for having to run away, it just doesn't add up at this point. Meaning, I gave him lots of outs. But no, he didn't want a D, just to run away from his life. We had a nice life, I'm sure of it. I'll probably try to set up a similar one on my own, slowly as I can. We know the worst of this is the limbo. But, he's gone! That isn't limbo! I have in a pen and paper journal from June a little jot that says "NC for maybe 6 mnths". I don't remember if he said that or I thought it or something-- but it is there. Meaning this could go 6 months or longer. I still don't want to think about filing. Make him do the work...

[Altair]

Journaling.
Christmas party down last night, so, one more to go. My boss pointed out my dress was open, the button right at the boob came undone, had to find a safety pin and do an awkward fix. Gotta love wardrobe malfunctions. A bit of a headache this a.m. from the wine at dinner. My Uber driver home was insane. Gets on the freeway in the rain (so much for polar vortex here) and proceeds to turn up electronic music and go extremely fast, swerving in and out of cars. I was terrified and I loved it.
Danger GAL tomorrow- I was asked to go to the 'try on wedding dresses' place. I was asked to go and sort of taken aback like really? me? but then i thought, well, I must mean something to her you don't just ask any old person to go with you to this sort of thing. So I said yes.This will require strength!

[AndrewP]

Altair - Sounds like a set of grand adventures. Make sure that the boob buttons are soundly attached to those wedding dresses. I had a cab driver in Chicago once who drove like your Uber driver. I congratulated him at the end and remarked "victory goes to the brave".