That's me in the spotlight

[job]

I'm glad your social calendar is filling up. It's the season to socialize a bit more than usual. However, if you don't feel up to going to some of the activities, then don't. You'll know when you have the need to have some quiet time.

As for the wreath...go for it! Don't wait too long or it will be gone.

[Altair]

Coly! I apologize, I did not see your response. I believe that is what it was! how fun.

Journaling.
Well still NC from H. My IC kind of furrows her brow and asks about now what am I thinking about for my future. I get it, most people who knew I had an H in my life now have stopped asking. It seems we've all written him off to be gone. It's hard, but through this site, I see how to move forward and work on myself. ( I cry as I write this)
Yikes the lump in my throat.
looking back. I've had so much time to read emails, texts, talk to people, the final portrayal of our life together at BD simply cannot be true. It might be H reality from now on but no, it was a special, loving time. I have read up so much on depression and I see that as an insidious factor; I can look back and see where it crawled in, and manifested itself in many ways.
One of the last times we saw each other he mentioned depression, how it drummed through his head, he felt no pleasure doing anything, a voice in his head he could not quell told him he amounted to nothing.
So, I carry on, alone, rebuild. Part of me still thinks its all an excuse, a ruse to get out of the relationship, but that part wanes. Now, I see a depressed person who runs away from his problems.
I am blessed though! The Universe or what deity have you has placed me in a new work group, I have been showered with holiday party invitations. I am going tomorrow to a housewarming. Sunday I have a friend date at a gallery. I cleaned my house as A.P. wisely prescribed, including all of the laundry. I think I have enough work/events to get me through this holiday season. I love the holidays. I love cooking, etc. One thing I think about is the people on this site who were married for 20 years give or take and are suffering. It is true, my suffering cannot possibly compare. H and I were friends for two years before I said yes to a date. I now wonder if I should have. Maybe kept a friend and not been in this boat. I don't know. I will put on my party dress and hit the town tomorrow. I will survive.

[Rouky]

Hi Altair,
Just read your post and wanted to add my view on your comments about your friendship with your H before you dated him. I met H and felt in love with him straight away, so I git involved with him before we had a friendship and I'm like you here. So I'd say there is no right nor wrong, we can't undo the past but only look forward even if it's hard. '

I'm starting to believe that our life is a train that has people boarding it at different stages on its journey. Your H is on his own train journey, let him be. No matter how hard it is try to embrace yours and live your life how you have always wanted to.

[Altair]

Thanks Rouky.
I'll try to "live my life how I've always wanted to".
This is hard. I know to let him be.

[Coly23]

Hey Altair, good to see your post my friend.

I also think about the friendship side and wonder if I should have just kept it that way rather than taking it to the next level. I knew my H for seven seven years before we started a relationship and we always got on so well. But as Rouky said we can't undo the past and we have to move forward with whatever the future holds. Your H isn't ready to come to you as yet and you are doing well leaving him on his journey (much better than I have with my H but I'll post about that later!).

I love that you are embracing all the holiday invitations and I am very jealous! Have a few more glasses of mulled wine for me!

[Altair]

Hi Coly!!
the mulled wine parties are hard to do, for sure. I have not been the only single at the parties, but I am in my opinion too old for the singles there. But, fun nonetheless.
I don't regret things looking back, I guess. Deep sigh. But that's so interesting you and your H were friends, Coly, for so long. How are things on your end??

[Coly23]

No, I don't regret what has happened but I do mourn our friendship as much as our marriage.

I won't hijack your thread so I'll post over on mine in a bit . I haven't been posting much lately because I'm not sure how to articulate what has been going on. It's hard to get a firm hold on the thoughts in my own head let alone trying to explain in words!

I'll get the tea and biscuits ready and hopefully AP and others will join later....

[AndrewP]

Coly - I'm on my way ....

Altair - You are in a difficult place but a place from where you can find strength. I think you have found your core. This update may read at first a bit sad and I have tears in my own eyes reading it but I like the sound of the "you" that wrote it.

It's funny in a sad way how a number of have bonded here. You and Coly23 have an almost opposite timeline in your relationships to me. From the very first day that W and I met we were inseparable. It took me all of 3 weeks to confess to her that I loved her and then we spent nearly 3 decades together building a life, family and friendship that I thought would endure forever.

After tea and biscuits I'll set up the tea trays over in the cabin and do an update myself.

[job]

Altair,

Just because your h has not reached out to you doesn't mean that he's not thinking about you. Some disappear for months and then pop back into our lives when we least expect them to. Right now, depression has him in a fog and he could be out there exploring the world trying to find a way to self medicate or he could be going to work and then coming home and sitting in a chair, in a dark room, staring at the TV. Some even sleep a lot. Whatever he is doing, he is trying to find himself and figure out why he feels the way that he does. Unfortunately, you can't help him because this is his journey and he is the only one that can help himself.

As for people asking about the situation, that's really better for you because then you don't have to explain what is going on. In some cases, people stop asking because they know how their questions could be affecting you and they don't want to see you in pain, so they do everything possible to avoid the subject. It's best to leave your situation right where it is at the moment, i.e., between you and your h.

I'm glad that you are working on yourself and have been placed in a new work group. Sounds like you'll be plenty busy w/Christmas activities for a while. All of these activities will help you focus on you for a change.

I want to also point out that we all come here and see similarities in our situations, but we need to be mindful that we do compare our situations, but no two are alike because the people involved are unique, the childhoods of those who walked are unique and the timelines will be different. Don't get discouraged by his disappearance. When he's ready, he will reach out in some way.

For now, keep moving forward and keep the focus on you. Altair, you are right where you are suppose to be at this time. Have faith in yourself and the man upstairs.

[Altair]

Thanks for stopping by, Job. As always, I appreciate the notes.

Well, it's about time to fix my hair and put on a sweater dress and suede boots. Wintery clothes I hardly get occasion to wear. Maybe there will be eggnog at the party tonight!