Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[Ginger1]

Sara,

Much like Vanilla, I have posted to you, and I have never gotten a response. And much like V- I was addressing the self care issue.

We stress it because of it's importance. And it has many areas of importance. You cannot serve from an empty vessel. Right now you completely are. Your focus is DBing your butt off with a tunnel vision goal of getting your husband to recommit to your marriage the way you would be fulfilled.

It is quite obvious you are a driven, successful, in control individual. You seem to have accomplished everything you put your mind to. You are reading,and studying these videos and putting in med school level work on this.

I think changing your perspective and your goals out of the DB process might be beneficial. DB for YOU. Make it a way of life for YOU. If your H deal with his issues, maybe one day he will turn around and look at what a wonderful, emotionally and physically independent woman you are. Maybe he won't. ANd that will be his loss because you will be your own, happy person.

Maybe, just maybe it's time to face the fact he cannot be the man you need right now or feel the way you want him to feel about you and the M. You can DB until the cows come home, but until he is right with himself, this wont happen.

And for what it is worth, the anger you have with him is healthy. Expressing the anger is even healthy.

I want you to go back to what I posted yesterday. WHat are YOU getting out of this DB process? Because YOU are the one who is supposed to be reaping benefits. ANd not benefits because your H became a changed man and recommitted to the M in the way you hope for, but because you feel an inner growth and strength. Because Db teaches you how to control and focus and be mindful of YOUR emotions. NOt others.

[JksD]

Somehow I seem to have missed a lot of the posts, especially your post about the mc.

Mc is not working. I think it's best to stop it.

Your wh seems to be feeling cornered and emotionally flooded. At this point, he has been saying he wants out repeatedly.


I agree with what has been posted. Stop the R and the M talks. Pull back and focus on yourself and the little ones now. I really think you need a break with all that's happening.

You are not a failure. Through your actions, you have ended the A, ousted the ow and got a fighting chance for your M. You have been consistent in your 180s by reigning in your anger and not letting your emotions guide your actions.

This is what I have noticed. Your wh reacted well when you've got a handle on your emotions. He gets scared when he senses you pulling away.


What does your db coach have to say about this?

[PsySara]

Sometimes I wish my "tone" could be heard when I post. My last post wasn't so much as a "poor pitiful me" post but more along the lines of, "Huh, well I've gotten off the path so time to re-evaluate what I am doing wrong. So I will try to address your advice and concerns individually. (older kids are bathing and WH is outside enjoying a campfire.)

Surfer,
Thank you for the thoughtful and well articulated post, lots of good advice. This was the first (and likely last) MC session we had. The counselor had suggested a book if WH wasn't receptive to MC, when I asked WH about this he actually jumped at MC. The fact is, WH isn't ready to piece (believe nothing they say, eh?) no matter his words. Since that disaster of a session I have become...numb? I feel okay, not heavy just kind of floating along. I slept like a baby last night for the first time in a long time.

Ginger,
My apologies for never addressing you individually before, I have not had much time recently to respond so I have been en masse responding. I have been too focused on WH in this process and thus failing at properly detaching. I've decided to let go and just work on me. I am hitting the mental and physical wall here so no I am going to just take care of myself.

Bluwave,
Thank you for your support, you're an inspiration to us all. Your endurance is amazing and gives me hope, not so much to save my marriage but that I will be able to come out of this okay regardless of my M.

SH,
I have combed over the last few months since WH has come home and realize I have really messed up with the detaching. I've followed his moods too closely and my moods end up reflecting his. This is a monumentally bad move as WH is still utterly lost and has no idea what he wants in life. I've already changed up the plan and have decided to focus on GAL instead of just thinking about GAL.

Sotto,
All in all I've been remarkably okay since the MC blow up. My sleep has improved and I've stopped pursuing. Frankly I am so exhausted that the thought of pursuing makes me want to sleep, lol. Weirdly enough WH and I are getting along fabulously, I just don't care anymore if we stay together or fall apart. It's like my give-a-crap meter just broke.

Vanilla,
Not ignoring your suggestions. As I just typed I've just stopped caring about saving my marriage. I know at this point if it doesn't end in reconciliation that I will be fine. This week I am doing a girl's night out (WH can babysit, ha!) going to schedule a hot stone massage, and I am watching mindless television after the kids go to sleep. How's that for self care? Haha!

Dory,
I've backslid into pursuing and my goodness, talk about backfiring. Something strange has happened in the last few days, I feel completely afloat. I've started feeling WH is a room mate whom I share responsibilities with (children, house keeping). Before I was going through the motions but now I just feel...not nothing...it's hard to express. I just feel like "Meh" when around him. IS this detachment? Apathy? FRankly I kinda don't care.

[PsySara]

Now for the update on the home front.

I went to work Friday (after a restless night) and buried myself in work. We've had a HUGE increase in patient load so it was easy to distract myself. I found myself cheerful and really enjoying my work. I managed to see and treat quite a few patients more than usual. I bought a bunch of chicken for the staff and we laughed and joked while chowing down.

I got home from work and wanted to take the kids bowling. I invited WH (thinking he would refuse) but he came. I took some awesome pics of the kids bowling and WH asked for me to forward them to him. We talked about just regular things. I didn't feel hopeful/anxious/fearful...I just felt like I was hanging out with a room mate or something. On the way home H thanked me for a great evening and I just "you're welcome." But I just didn't really or think anything after that.

Today I did the laundry, ironed, ate breakfast that WH cooked for me and the kids. WH spent his morning on the back porch sanding and painting while I did my thing inside. We had an appointment to look at house at 2 and did that. Both of us weren't really impressed with the place. Afterward we went craft shopping with the kids and went home. WH made a camp fire in the back yard and I picked up dinner. He asked if I felt like he was leaving me all alone (when he was outside at the fire) and I said nope, doing my thing. At one point I decided to warm byt he fire too and sat there enjoying the flames. WH asked what Iw as thinking and I answered honestly, "Nothing." He laughed and said, "Oh thank Allah."

I feel weirdly at peace. WH is doing a lot of future talk about us buying a house in a better area for the kids schooling, about things "we" will do. I am just like...what? I have started picturing my life without WH and I don't feel panic like I used to. I am just doing me. No touching, hugging and definitely no sex. I save that for someone who really loves me and treats me like I deserve. I am pretending to be single with a room mate and it has reframed things tremendously. Please pray my head stays in this lovely place, I am so relaxed right now.

[Bippy78]

I read somewhere that hate is not the opposite of love, "apathy" is. It is some kind of wonderful to not have that gripping paralyzing panicky pressure to "save my marriage" - I get that wonderful feeling of peace and relaxation.

But I would remind you that in many of our cases, that's what the WAS felt; and why we changed to try to save the marriage. Are you in danger of becoming the WAS yourself? More rhetorical questions than expecting hard answers, but certainly a perspective to consider...

[Surfer]

Sara

All soundying positive. This is a slow process. Inevitably bad relationship habits take years to form - and break. Both of you will have to conquer your habits one at a time - and it's tricky. It might be learning not to spew, learning to calm your anxieties etc. This is not a quick process so be patient with each other and be kind to yourself.

You seem to have stablaised. This is great. Try and keep this frame of mind. I don't know if you can but remembering how you got here - 'acting as if you are a room mate?' - will be useful no doubt to find your way back should you backslide.

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Vanilla,
Not ignoring your suggestions.

It is my opinion Sara that you do not respond to posts about self care. And that includes others who post too, not just V. You are worth it that is why we post to you and keep posting.


As I just typed I've just stopped caring about saving my marriage.

Ceasing to care isn't about detachment, nor about still hanging on. Ceasing to care is willful and rebellious. When I was fostering kids used to say "well, I don't care" and "whatever". When actually they weren't fooling anyone they cared very much.

"Don't care" is being very attached and my thinking isn't about "not caring" for your M, it is about you caring for you. Frankly in my eyes you can stand for your M, for a new M for a long time. I hope you do get a new M, I really want that for you. I would like an invested caring H and one who wants in.

My thinking is irrespective of whether you care about your WH or your M (old or new) you care about you. And at this point I am not seeing that you do. I would want that for you above all else and without self love and compassion with extreme self care you get lost in the mix.

I would like you to have a plan for this self care, goals actions and health. Particularly your physical health.

I know at this point if it doesn't end in reconciliation that I will be fine.

This sentence alone tends in my view to show denial. Expressed in the negative and using the we seal word "fine". I went to this place of denial too, in my case as for many it isn't "fine", there is a grief process and it hurts to walk to the pain. I needed a great deal of help to get off the floor and truly it isn't fine.

It hurts, it depletes, it requires work and internal thought. Each person is different and of course their process is individual. The one thing I see in common, step one is to acknowledge reality, put a plan in place to take care of self.

Truly it isn't fine.

This week I am doing a girl's night out (WH can babysit, ha!) going to schedule a hot stone massage, and I am watching mindless television after the kids go to sleep. How's that for self care? Haha!

GAL is only part of self care and often part of LRT. TV is distraction mainly.

These things are activities, in many ways distractions and of course necessary. Like work GAL and chicken, it helps in parts of the process. If there is a process of self care, a really big process of self care at the core of that which you do.

Something which helps you face the pain, a plan which encourages you to attend to your physical and mental needs. A plan with connection and true support. A plan which includes physical care, health care, eliminate the virus in your body, discussions with friends and family. Medidating, mindfulness, IC, doctors appointments, nutritional it's with food plans, time for you, yoga, dancing, exercise. Massage maybe. Swimming. Plans for you, your life, your fins, your family, your business, your health, your business- all centred around you. All taking care of you, based on you as a precious person you are.

Positive, current, and involved.

Each of us is different and for instance Phoebe has her Taj Mahal chicken parlour, V went travelling in the US and the EE course, Zues has his pool ambition, Dorey refurbished her home.

All of this is part of self care package each of us put together for ourselves.

Sara, I read denial, petulance and poor care of self.

So there!

-------------------------------------

Sara, you are very precious.

V

[PsySara]

Bippy,
It's very possible that I am becoming a WAS, I can see how that would happen. So instead of making a hasty decision (file for divorce and/or kick WH out) I am just going to return to working on myself and leave WH to his own devices. In one year if he is still this stagnant then I think I will sever the marriage contract since the marriage itself was killed. Why one year? Because I think two years is plenty of time to see change. I can't raise my kids in a loveless and unauthentic marriage.

Surfer,
One of the things I've read over and over again ni self help and marriage saving books is to pay attention to your spouse's complaints and see if there is merit. I think WH's view that I have serious anger issues has merit. So I am going to work on how I express anger, at this time I still have to find reliable self soothing techniques. I need to do this so my kids are raised by a raging mother, they need to feel safe and stable. I've started reading about it and I have an IC session this week and this will be one of my goals.

Vanilla,
I think I am presenting myself wrong or something. I am not feeling rebellious or defiant, simply letting go of the rope finally. WH is still swinging and frankly, so am I. I had become so wrapped up in his reactions (and was becoming VERY reactive myself) that I was losing my way. My GAL has been lax and my self care has been crap. So I decided to lay a new foundation, I scheduled myself IC for my emotional and psychological healing and then started scheduling more relaxing and fun activities for myself. We all have our ways of self care, mine just tend to be more sedate than others, lol. I want to type more but the baby just woke and is yelling for food.

[Ginger1]

Sara,

No worries on the non-responses. I just hoped you were catching on to my messages.

I'll skip over the self-care, although V has made some excellent, excellent points.

You have been riding his roller coaster. Absolutely. You do need to get off immediately. That's what detaching is. Getting off their roller coaster and not having them control our emotions. Become in charge of your own.

I have a serious suggestion for you. Stop all the self-help, marriage saving related reading. Looking in ward is great, self-improvement is great, but all of that will burn you out. You haven't given yourself the chance at all to just look at you as an individual and someone who doesn't need to change so much to get her husband to recommit to the marriage. I do think IC is great. I went for a short time after bomb drop, then I recently went back in the past year and a half (like 8 years later) and it has been a godsend. But my therapist and I agree sometimes it's just healthy to stop and appreciate who we are right now.

I would highly suggest keeping your self help to your IC and the homework they give you, but stop the MWD videos and reading and research for a while (sorry, MWD) Even stop the coaching for a while (I'm really going to get in trouble). You are just so enmeshed in it now.

Take some time to stop, smell the roses, and really just be content with who you are right now. You might find many things you love about yourself. Embrace them!

[J5K]

Sara,

I am just catching up on your sitch.

Bippy,
It's very possible that I am becoming a WAS, I can see how that would happen. So instead of making a hasty decision (file for divorce and/or kick WH out) I am just going to return to working on myself and leave WH to his own devices. In one year if he is still this stagnant then I think I will sever the marriage contract since the marriage itself was killed. Why one year? Because I think two years is plenty of time to see change. I can't raise my kids in a loveless and unauthentic marriage.

It doesn't matter if you are becoming the WAS. Do what is right for you. As others have stated, you have done a great amount of homework in trying to save your M and an amazing job at DB. No matter how good the DB person is, the other S has to play a role in saving the M, whether it is a different M or not.

I feel like you and I have very similar situations with the fact that we have small children and work and I can relate to your need to fix things and the anger and frustration you feel when your S continues to not care about the changes you are making and work you are putting in. We don't want to let go.

One more year is a good goal. Who knows maybe YOU will decide sooner than a year but you will know when YOU want to drop the rope completely.

Surfer,
One of the things I've read over and over again ni self help and marriage saving books is to pay attention to your spouse's complaints and see if there is merit. I think WH's view that I have serious anger issues has merit. So I am going to work on how I express anger, at this time I still have to find reliable self soothing techniques. I need to do this so my kids are raised by a raging mother, they need to feel safe and stable. I've started reading about it and I have an IC session this week and this will be one of my goals.

I get this part also. I also do not want to be a raging father. That is why it is important to focus on you and pamper yourself. When you are happy your kids will be happy.

Vanilla,
I think I am presenting myself wrong or something. I am not feeling rebellious or defiant, simply letting go of the rope finally. WH is still swinging and frankly, so am I. I had become so wrapped up in his reactions (and was becoming VERY reactive myself) that I was losing my way. My GAL has been lax and my self care has been crap. So I decided to lay a new foundation, I scheduled myself IC for my emotional and psychological healing and then started scheduling more relaxing and fun activities for myself. We all have our ways of self care, mine just tend to be more sedate than others, lol. I want to type more but the baby just woke and is yelling for food.

Self care is more than just IC. You may still be searching for the perspective that will draw your H closer. I think I have been doing the same thing. Please do not take this the wrong way, your efforts are commendable and honorable. If the other half doesn't want it though, what can you do about it? Take care of you!

(((Sara)))