Moving on to the next phase

[Pax_luv]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711407&page=11

Ok, well I just got the spew via text and I'm not sure how to respond.... If I respond at all....

It was along the lines of......I never did anything in the m, he supported me and asked for nothing in return, I had every opportunity to fix this, how dare I do this to him, he never wants to see me or speak to me again....he's not going to let me see the dog.. And on and on and on.

Advice? theres so much I want to say.... Truth darts.... But it would be completely pointless right? Just bite my tongue, yes?

[Pax_luv]

I'm going crazy whether this is a manipulation ploy or real. I'd love advice from those who have been bystanders this whole time.

Much appreciated. Breathing breathing breathing.

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, I'm sorry you are getting texts like that. Don't respond to them and stick to business only with him. Jus focus on keeping your own little boat afloat in stormy seas.

Keep posting and we are all rooting for you .

Xx

[pinn]

Yea Feyth... seems like a no responses is best. Ugh I feel for you so much!

[bttrfly]

Ah yes, the litany of "you contributed nothing, you did nothing, blah blah blah" How well I know that song and dance!

Feyth, you could do what I did: let your temper get the best of you and meet fire with fire ...

I don't recommend you do that.

What I would do differently today if stbxh started ranting and raving: either a. ignore or b. a text saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

and then silence.

N/C is also for your psychological wellbeing.

I'm sorry you are targeted with this ugliness right now. I know exactly how that feels and it's horrible. Even worse is the realization of how utterly low the MLCer will go. I was left wondering exactly whom it was I'd spent over half my life with, which was devastating.

You will get through this. It's time to set a firm but gentle boundary that given the current tenor of the conversation, you feel it best to discuss things through your lawyer. Then shut it down. Block his number for 24 hours if you feel that's helpful.

Once you've done that honey take a shower to wash off the metaphoric spew. Have a nice cup of tea. Be extremely gentle with yourself. Focus on self-care.

You can stand up for yourself in a gentle yet respectful way. His tantrums are more about him, not you.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

[job]

Aah, yes...the MLC lingo at its best. He's angry because you aren't bending to his way of thinking. He's angry because you are standing your ground. He's acting like a spoiled 2 yr old brat who isn't getting his way. He's going to stomp his feet and threaten everything from here to the moon and back...but you know what? You need to let him stew in own juices in that stew pot.

Please do not respond to his text of ranting and raving. If you do, you are feeding into his attention getting behavior. It doesn't matter whether it's positive or negative energy, but you need to remain silent and just let him be. You aren't going to be able to reason w/him and I do think that if you respond and say that you are sorry he feels that way, it will fuel is anger that much more at this time.

It's best to let this one simmer for a while. He will contact you again, but from here on out...everything needs to go through your lawyer. I know exactly what you are going through and I, too, got those nasty texts/emails from my xh when he realized that I wasn't going to allow him to walk all over me during the divorce. My lawyer's advice was golden...he advised me to not respond and that was the best advice I was given. What he's doing is trying to bully you into submission and if that doesn't work, he'll come at you w/being nice or try something different. Please do not open yourself up to any more grief from this man. Until he grows up and realizes what he's lost, he's going to be a Peter Pan, searching for something that only he has within him.

Please do not respond to his rants. You do not owe him anything at this time. This is a business deal that has gone sour and he's a very angry man because he's not getting what he thinks he deserves.

Please, please take care of yourself and listen to your lawyer.

[Sotto]

I think overall, it's important to break the pattern of - he does X - you do Y.

For example - he sends nasty texts - you feel sick.

In the early days, if our MLCer sends a message, it is difficult for us not to respond - initially in practice and later on, just emotionally. But in time and with gentle persistence, we can get to a place where they initiate and we feel very little in response.

Just keep on moving forward - and even if you have an emotional response yourself - avoid engaging with your H on anything other than business.

Xx

[mirage]

Feyth,

This is the MLC monster at his/her best.

As you GAL and move on this will have less of an impact on you. I believe this is to teach us how to set boundaries with these people in a healthy way for ourselves. I would not respond as its really not worth a response.

Just so you know my EXW will still show this side and its been years. I never respond. It doesn't really affect me.

This has helped me deal with all sorts of people who are like this in everyday life, business, family etc.

This is a gift in more ways then one if you can get past the hurt and see the benefits. Not an easy thing but one that will greatly help you in the future.

Hang in there.

Mirage

[HaWho]

Yep, even though my h has not filed, I also have heard that I have contributed nothing to the marriage?!? (I think that line is on page 4 of the MLC handbook.)

BTW - one of th VERY craziest truisms of MLC is that the MLCer really believes everything will go exactly as he/she fantasizes. When my h told me he wanted an open marriage, he was as shocked that I said no, as I was that he asked. He even said he was surprised that I said no?!? I could tell he was already 3 steps ahead in his "planning."

Don't answer him! Remember anything you write can be shown to lawyers. Use your lawyer!!! Plus, he is a bratty punk. I think of Sotto's line: operate from your best self. (Her wording is more eloquent, though.)

[Pax_luv]

I've read and re-read each of your comments. Thank you for reaching out.

I have not responded and I won't respond. I did have to have a talk with someone last night and I begged for brutal honesty. We went through all the questions- am I going to far? Is he right? Do I deserve this? Am I making this up?

Lastly, yes, I absolutely do need to break the habit of- if he does x, I do y.

This is absolutely crazy making.

[kml]

Hey Feyth -
Don't let him gaslight you. If he insists on something you know to be untrue, it's untrue. He's just A)trying to justify his behavior by making you out to be the villain and/or B) trying to bully you into giving him everything in the divorce.

Re: the dog - did he own the dog before you married, or was the dog a joint purchase? If he owned the dog before marriage you are probably out of luck (although, I bet, if you don't fight him on it, he'll start asking you to babysit the dog when it's convenient for him soon enough). If the dog was bought when you were married, it is most definitely community property and you can fight for custody if you want - just figure out if this is the hill you want to die on? Shared custody is not very feasible.

Re: his claims that he made all the money. You are employed as I recall, no? And he being older has had more time to establish his career, so it's not a surprise that he makes more money. The law is usually pretty straightforward on splitting marital assets, at least if you live in a community property state, so don't let him bully you. Refer those questions to your lawyer.

Also - I don't remember what assets you had to fight over, but try if you can to get assets rather than alimony, as you'll pay taxes on the alimony you receive (and he gets a tax break) but there will be no taxes if he's just buying you out of house equity.

AND - while you should fight for everything that is rightfully yours, also don't put your financial advancement on hold while going through this. Just start figuring out how to make a good enough living that you are okay with or without his cooperation. There's something delightful in being able to say FU. I have only held my tongue with my ex because I needed his cooperation to get our kids through college. Try to get yourself to a position where you can say whatever you want and he can't financially hurt you.

As for the spew - anger is guilt turned outward. Try to limit communications to emails, that way at least you don't have to listen to it and you have documentation for your lawyer. Also you don't have to read or respond right that minute if it's too upsetting.

It's a painful process but I assure you, once it's done you'll feel freer. It's sad to see the person you once adored turn into someone you can't respect - sometimes it's a temporary takeover by aliens, sometimes it's just the rose-colored glasses coming off and you begin to see them as they always were.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you KML.

All my inlaws just un- friended me on social media. Meh. Stings.

[twinmom]

I know how you feel. It might be better to not interact with them though. My in laws did/said some f'ed up stuff while H was living with OW, as soon as we started working things out they thought I would just forget about everything.

It's like forced detachment & helps preserve any good feelings you have for them.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks twinmom... The whole in-law thing kills me... But I know why....mr Feyth is on a rampage. I just got a "go F yourself" text from him. Time to block him.

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, my tip would be - make technology work for you. So, route his messages or whatever to a time and place where you choose to pick them up. If you close down the instant access to you, it really helps I think.

Also, only respond to constructive communications. Unpleasant ones - don't reward with a response.

He has really ramped up with the unpleasantness and do exercise caution in any direct contact with him.

Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Sotto.
I'm reminded of an employee I had once who was caught doing something not right. it was discussed with her and she was given a warning for her actions. Right away the situation turned sour and it just kept escalating and escalating. The angrier she got, the worse off her behavior, the more she was penalized, etc. she basically went around doing whatever the heck she wanted because it was a control thing for her. I was her boss and she reported me for all sorts of things. Well, at the end of the day, she was stealing and lying, and only actually worked about 2 hours a day. This was proven with records, etc. But she was adamant It was all me.

I feel like this is happening now. I don't know if hes just that clueless about what divorce actually is. Well, that can't be it, I am his second wife. He d'd his first wife for stealing (big red flag). Is he hiding something? The louder he gets the more of a distraction? Or am I just a nasty person? Or is he feeling so crappy about the direction of his life that he needs a "win?" I don't know what it is, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it.

KML, dog was bought after marriage. I do have a job, he does not (technically).

It's so ugly. I know I will be relieved when this is over and it's only just begun. Here's the thing.... It's only the beginning. We haven't even done disclusures yet.... It's not time to be figuring out settlements, etc. but because I'm not agreeing to anything he thinks I'm against him.

[twinmom]

The curious part of me would wonder if the first marriage really ended the way/why he said it did.....

Maybe that's just because my H's first marriage did not. (I ended up finding out I was an OW!)


I agree that you should not respond to pretty much anything. I would even look into someone else switching the dog for you.

[Pax_luv]

Twinmom, you are totally right. I got a different story about why they d'd after 1.5 years. She was nasty, she was the one who wanted it, etc. and when stbx and I started going through this mess it was so crazy to me that he would end a marriage so frivolously and I asked.... Is this why you and your ex w d'd? And he gave me a whole different story than the one I was led to believe.

It's all lies. It's all manipulation and control. Just have to keep standing.

[Pax_luv]

Hello,
It was time for a name change.... peace and love is what I need now and what I want to bring forth in the world

I ended up not blocking stbxh last night so I got another angry text this morning and it's been quiet ever since. While he's nasty with me, he has been sweet as pie to my L. Ugh. Really?

Like bttrffly is going through... I'm having a hard time not taking his words to heart. I'm trying to rationalize and convince myself that my feelings ARE valid and I'm NOT crazy. I keep going back to some of the things my IC said (she was also h's ic)- she told me- You're never going to be enough for him. And- he doesn't see you. He doesn't hear you.

So Ive been mulling over this internal craziness and it feels like I've been in a fog all day. I'm not emotional over it (not crying, etc)... Feels more like shock with a little bit of "buck up- it's go time."

30 day bootcamp challenge ended today. Boo. It was the greatest distraction. I wish I could afford this gym and keep going.... Sadly I'll have to find some alternative. I completed 34 of the 35 workouts and i am so bummed I couldn't squeeze that last one in. grrrr. Also, last night I benched 55lbs!!! Never done that before.

So, another day down. Must keep moving.

[Pax_luv]

Hello and Happy Friday (or Saturday depending on the side of the globe you're on).

Thank goodness this week is over. I had a lot going on at work and couple that with the emotional blasting from stbxh... I'm just exhausted. Feels like I have to crawl and claw my way through each day. Soo fatigued and burnt out. Enough already! Getting some margaritas tonight and settling into the weekend.

Still feeling kind of shocked/numb about this recent turn of events with the stbx. Normally we would be swapping dog tonight, but I haven't heard his response to my lawyer so I'm just letting it lie. I pray that he doesn't take it as a sign that i don't want to see the dog. I just will not deal with him. My L suggested that we get a court order stating that we are sharing the dog. I have a feeling stbx is working on a court order that states the dog is his. What a lying sac o' crap. Yep.... I've seen him do this exact thing to others... Just was too naive to believe he wouldnt do it with me.

[Rouky]

No you weren't naive, you were in love and believed that his love was strong enough for you to take a different path. Like someone wise here told me a leopard can't change his spots.

How do I know that? I saw H behaving nastily towards his ex- partner, and I thought that with me (because I was the complete opposite of her) it would never happened. Guess what I'm getting the same treatment as his ex, and you know what I realise that he is the ONE with issues not me.

I know it hurts because you would have never in a million year thought that this would happen, the problem is him not you. Keep going forward.

[Pax_luv]

Hi Sweet Rouky... Thanks for stopping by.

I'm having a really rough day and have been browsing all the threads for most of the day to try and stay grounded. I believe you and I see it.... He's the one with the issues. This isn't about me. Unfortunately, he is hel! bent on making everyone believe this is all my doing. I even believe it at times. I've never (to my recollection) been on the other side of someone projecting such ugliness and hatred on to me. It's very convincing... And yet it isn't. I've said it before and I'll say it again... It's absolutely crazy making. I know I wasn't the perfect wife, but as another poster said "the punishment doesn't fit the crime."

So, I'm still crawling forward inch by inch and I'm tired. I've never run from my problems before, but for the first time ever I want to. I just want to start over- job, house, etc. I can't wait to put this behind me and yet, like I mentioned before, I'm not even near the summit. Still so much more to climb and I don't have the energy.

I have to gather some more documents for my L as part of stbx demand for production. He has the documents I need and I don't want to ask him... I'll have my lawyer request it for me tomorrow. He is also requiring me to supply documents from before we were married and I have no flipping idea on where to find them (I've moved 5 times during our m and the separation and I have no idea where they could be). This is adding stress, too. Between this and all the end of year stuff at work, I just don't have it in me.

Honestly, what I really want right now is to pretend my problems don't exist and go escape to a cabin somewhere with a big strong man and just take naps on his chest in front of a fire. That's no solution, but it sure would be a nice distraction. Ahhhh a girl can dream, right?

[peacetoday]

Pax

Sounds like you just need some down time -rest and self care

The D process can be exhausting

Just listen to yourself and get the rest you need -sleep more tonight and for the next few days if needed and you will gather the energy needed to finish the climb

hang in

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I can recall the disclosures stage and it was a grind. For me, some procrastination crept in and then the paperwork hung over me like a nasty assignment needing to be done.

In the end, I made myself finish it off in hour long chunks and that's what go me through.

Also, having nice things planned for yourself helps it not become all consuming - and rest and recharge when you need to.

Remember, his anger is his to own....


Xxx

[Pax_luv]

Thank you Peace and Sotto!

I need to keep reminding myself of this- his anger is his to own, his anger is his to own.... Repeat repeat repeat.

You are right peace, I need to do a better job of scheduling myself so I get extra sleep.

Did ok today. Yesterday I lost it and sobbed smack dab in the middle of Sunday dinner with the fam and extended fam. Im so stressed about finances right now. Thinking I'm going to have to sell my car because the payments are too high... But I owe more than what the car is worth. What stings the most is h made me get this car and he had me put it in my name only because he was dumping assets. Stupid stupid stupid girl.

I had the car one month before ILYBINILWY....Now I'm stuck with it for now(granted its nice) but I can't afford it... Not with all the other financial mess going on. Have i mentioned divorce is the worst thing ever!!! I will say, with each passing day, I'm actually grateful that I'm not married to that monster.

[peacetoday]

Pax

It is very stressful dealing with it all
I too was so concerned with my finances back then and with 2 kids to raise alone
but somehow it all works out.
try to sense a good outcome if possible
as long as you have your health, everything else will fall into place eventually
Keep taking the high road and you will be taken care of
doors will open,,new opportunities and people
just hang in there

[Rouky]

Pax,

Foremost YOU matter first. Look after you and kids. If the papers haven't got a set deadline, do it when you have time. Your health is more important than anything else.

I now believe that everything falls into place. All of this is emotionally draining but as all the vets said here, you will come out as a better person in the end.

Thinking of you and loads of hugs xx

[Pax_luv]

Coming here to just put my thoughts out...

Stbx sent an email to my L. He was calm and collected and level headed. Which makes it hurt even more. He graciously stated that it is my fault that he was no longer in love with me and he has done everything possible to take the sting out of this. He is so hurt that he feels that way as it was never his intention... And He feels now that I'm being spiteful.

It's such a gracious email that (again) I believe him. Am I going crazy? Is this a trick?

[Bee29]

Spiteful? Where did I hear that? Oh, yes - my h calls me that on regular basis. Or he did when we still had r talks which I no longer let myself get into.

And the rest - my fault, he tried his best etc. - heard that too. I think it's for them to reassure themselves that they are doing the right thing. Many times I wanted to ask who he is trying to persuade about it. Me or himself. But never asked - proud of myself,

Pax, don't make much out of that e-mail. Do not let it affect you. If anything, I'd find it rather manipulative of him...

[job]

I agree w/Bee on this. He is being manipulative and trying to make himself look like the good guy here. It's all about him and how he wants to look to your lawyer. He is trying to get the lawyer to question you and your motives and hopefully get you to change your mind on whatever it is your h wants. Many of them say these things to look better and no, you do not buy into his gibberish.

Don't believe a word that is coming out of his mouth. He is not the man you married and, trust me, he is not your friend, nor does he actually care what he does to you right now. This is business and you need to put your heart aside and use your head to get go for what you are entitled to in the way of assets, support, etc.

Don't allow this man to work his BS on you. Let that email go to the trash folder and don't give it a second thought. He's doing exactly what a crooked business partner would do...lie through his teeth and try to take you to the cleaners all in the same breath. Fight for what you are entitled to. Nothing less will do.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you. Your feedback means the world to me.
If I was a spiteful person, I wouldn't give to shakes as to what he says. However, that certainly ain't me. I think he makes a good case. It actually makes me pause and question my sanity. I know better and yet I dont.

Thank you thank you. Keep the feedback coming. call me a control freak, but ive never sat back and trusted he universe, karma, etc. I've never ever ever been in a legal position before and all I want is due process. Every body says to trust that things will be ok and I'll be ok.... But I'm not ready to surrender yet.

Again, thank you for your feedback and guidance. This is so hard.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I agree with the posters above. Hopefully if your L bothers responding to that, it will be in the vein of - oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. My client is merely seeking a fair division of marital assets in the divorce process that you have begun.

Pay no heed - again, it sounds like a manipulative email - I know she won't want me to think she is spiteful and maybe if I suggest she is, she will drop the resistance...

Xx

[Esame]

I think the good old "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do" still applies here sweetie. Don't waste another minute of your life listening to anything he has to say for himself, he is not the person you fell in love with, he is a spiteful stranger.

If you find that strong man with a cabin and a fireplace ask him if he has any single brothers or cousins. That fantasy sounds good to me xxx

[Pax_luv]

Happy weekend to you all.

Just popping in to journal a bit.

My L has not responded to the last email from stbx. We'll just let it lie for now.

Went out to dinner last night and had to drive by my old house (it's up on a hill so I often see it)... Noticed stbx put out some holiday lights. I'm just going to be honest and share with you all that it irks me to no end! Before he met he, we was anti- holiday (probably because he's always been a bit of an eeyore) but I always Loved getting festive. This is our second holiday season apart and I still don't have it in me to get in the holiday spirit so it makes me frustrated/jealous (?) that he's getting into the holiday spirit this year. It's pointless for me to have an opinion on it, but I'm just trying to be real. On my way back from the dinner, I took a different route home.

Since I finished the 30 day bootcamp, I've been mulling over my next physical activity goal. I've been going back and forth between a few things and I just decided on doing the gym's 60 day challenge that starts mid- January. This is going to be incredibly more intense than the 30 day but my goal is to maaaaayyybbbeeee get fit enough to do a bikini/fitness competition in early spring. Ahhhhh! It's not something I've ever wanted to do mostly because I didn't think I had it in me, But now I know anything is possible and I want to try! It's going to be hard and will require discipline and I think I'm game!

Just wish I could fast forward through the d... It's so ugly and we have so much more to get through. I'll keep breathing. I'm so ready to put this behind me. I'm just done.

I still read about relationships and MLC every single night and every morning, and I'm starting to think its not serving me any more. I think by reading on MLC, it keeps me connected and makes me a little too lenient towards stbx and his behavior. I'm so done with him and his antics... Mostly because everything I've experienced is not new behavior for him. He's done it to everyone else he's had issues with. Time to drop him like a bad habit. I still want to learn and do the work, but i have to shift the focus of my reading into things that serve me.

Ok.... That's it for now. Wishing everyone a lovely weekend.

[Rouky]

What a lovely second part of your post. Like you I think that reading about MLC does educate us about, but it also prevents us from focusing on us. We can't undo the past, our H have to go on their own journey. With BD we have been forced to change but as you pointed out, your H has remained the same in his behaviour indicating that he isn't learning from his pasts mistakes. Unfortunately for him, it will carry on to happen until he learns what he has to learn.

You on the other hand have done a complete 180, you have become a better person and you are in constent discovery of who you are. Even when f at times you feel you might regret leaving H to give him time to think, look at what you have accomplished. Well done Pax_luv. I'm so proud of you and admire your strength.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I agree with you about the reading. It's incredibly helpful - to a point. Then it is best to let it go and focus on ourselves. You now understand that MLC may well be a feature and also that there are some traits in your STBX that you may have overlooked at the time - and may have big concerns about going forwards, if there were to be any reconciliation.

I feel the same way about XH. I do think MLC was a feature - he was mid 40s - felt he had a void within - lost a pile of weight - got really fit - resigned from his job - rescinded it - decided to start 'dating' whilst M - had an A etc...

Equally, he and I met a year after he and XW1 had S. They weren't yet D'd at that point. A few months after we had been dating, she asked him to go to counselling and he dropped that bomb on me. Then (red flag) he asked if we could carry on seeing each other whilst he tried that with her. I said absolutely not. He then contacted me nine months or so later to say they were getting D'd and wondered if I would like to meet up. I said yes. In hindsight, there were big concerns that I overlooked because I was so keen to be loved and accepted by someone. I would feel hugely concerned about this pattern with XH if we were ever to be together going forwards.

At the time, I put it down to him struggling in the aftermath of his first marriage breakdown. But then I layer on the behaviour in our M - and I see that his coping skills aren't great and he struggles to deal constructively and honourably with R struggles.

Don't worry about the Xmas lights - that's on him right? And good for you with the bikini challenge :-) xx

[job]

Sometimes we have to step away from all of the reading we do on MLC, depression and relationships. There's no harm or shame in taking a break from the Forum and the heavy reading. If you feel the need to step away for a bit, then by all means do so. We are always here and ready to listen.

[ciluzen]

I agree, pax. At some point, the reading and learning about MLC is done. We've achieved an understanding of what our S (or former S) is going through, and also with that an understanding that they have to go it alone for the most part. That's what I love about this forum and MWD's books...we can really only help our situation by focussing on creating the best "self" that we can, and letting them have the space to go through whatever it is they are going through; MLC or whatever.

They can be depressed, spiteful, mean, lonely, happy or sad with their new life. What does it really matter to us if they don't want us to be a part of it? If they withdraw into depression, we can be sad for them. If they lash out in anger, we can step away and L up to protect ourselves. If they are happy in their new life, its harder I think; but again, I guess we just have to look away and be happy that they found happiness. Throughout it all, that's what we should be focussing on for ourselves anyway; our own happiness without them. We should have been doing that all along, instead of thinking they could provide it all for us. Boy, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone!

Its normal to question what they're doing and why, and to try to figure them out. But at some point we realize that it won't bring the old relationship back; we've learned all about MLC and motives and its up to them to make their own way through. They may or may not want to revisit or reconnect, and that may or may not be nice depending on where we have taken ourselves, but we have really no control over that. So, we move forward and get happy. Its the best thing anyone can do for themselves.

[Sotto]

Absolutely Cil......well put! xx

[Pax_luv]

Rouky, Sotto, Job, and Cil... Thank you.

You are all so wise and I appreciate you taking the time to post on my thread.

The reading is like an addiction.... Like If I keep reading I may find the cure to all this! I think Ive accepted that this is futile and my energy should now be spent elsewhere. You can't say I didn't try!

I do think posting here is still good for me. For one, it is a 180. I'm an introvert, and I'm also kind of shy. So for me to be putting myself out there is good,as well as, investing in other people's stories. One thing I learned from this whole experience is that I want to have deeper connections with people. Up until now, a majority of my acquaintance/friends have been more superficial. I continue to change this and have much more intimate friendships as I continue on this path.

I just have to remove the MLC and marriage saving books off my kindle for now and replace them with other readings.

It's still very sad it came to this. If I was a spouse to someone who worked this hard to save a marriage, I would consider myself lucky.

[bttrfly]

Yes Pax ... I understand the need to understand this so you can process it and then go to whatever is next for you. Keep posting honey. Tell us what other new GAL activities you have on deck.

If you could do one thing you've always wanted to do, what would it be and what is holding you back? Let's focus on you right now xoxoxo {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[Esame]

I know what you mean about being addicted to the MLC reading in order to find the "magic cure". I also stopped reading on MLC or relationship advice for now, I love the board though so I still enjoy being around here.

The bikini / fitness competition sounds like a true challenge, but you have proven that you can conquer all your fitness targets. You can do it!

[Pax_luv]

Hi bttrfly! Thanks for popping by. New GAL activities on deck? Well, besides the next fitness goal, Ive been toying around with blogging (don't judge me by my writing, grammar, and punctuation here! Haha) and I want to purge a majority of my belongings. That is more of a project vs gal, but I have fallen in love with the konnari method and want to re-organize my life and shed things that do not bring me joy.

I've also toyed around with photography and want to get crafty and turn some of my photos into greeting cards. This also ties into my goal of being more thoughtful towards others (I've had my head up my arse since 2014 trying to cope with this mess). I want to have little keepsakes (my awesome photos- haha) on hand to give a thank you, congratulations, thinking of you, happy birthday or any other sentimental message.

Right now I'm just limited on time and it's my own doing. I'm procrastinating on my d paperwork and making it bigger and more arduous than it needs to be... I've already had to ask my l for 2 extensions. Ack. I know I'll feel better once it's over.

And esame, thanks for the encouragement! I think I can do this... Just have to get my cookies, chips, and cheese cravings under control. I think diet plays a huge factor in ones physique. 60 days will go by fast!

[bttrfly]

those are great goals!!! i have a friend whose daughter (also a friend) is all about the konnari method. Whenever we talk about something we want to get rid of or something we want to buy it's always the same. i don't even need to ask i just look at her then bring my hands to my heart and say, "I know, I know: does this bring me joy" then we giggle.

I love the idea of having something on hand and being thoughtful.

Yes I deliberately asked about GAL beyond the fitness goal so that doesn't become all-consuming as those things can sometimes be.

Re the procrastination: did the same. In the end it wasn't as "big" as I'd made it out to be in my head. xoxoxo

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, the only thing I would say on the D paperwork is - best not to hand him another stick to beat you with. It is tough to get it done - I felt the same way. However, do what it takes - set aside a whole day - or half an hour a day - or whatever and get through it.

Try to see it as purely business paperwork - approach it like a project, get your analytical mind on - and then treat yourself to something really nice when it is done.

I promise you that you will feel so much better without it hanging over you.

((((((Hugs)))))) xx

[pinn]

Went out to dinner last night and had to drive by my old house (it's up on a hill so I often see it)... Noticed stbx put out some holiday lights. I'm just going to be honest and share with you all that it irks me to no end! Before he met he, we was anti- holiday (probably because he's always been a bit of an eeyore) but I always Loved getting festive. This is our second holiday season apart and I still don't have it in me to get in the holiday spirit so it makes me frustrated/jealous (?) that he's getting into the holiday spirit this year. It's pointless for me to have an opinion on it, but I'm just trying to be real. On my way back from the dinner, I took a different route home.

I hear ya! I don't have the spirit either and it is my second holiday season apart as well. I said to myself that I was going to do it this year and did a very little bit but couldn't get myself to go any further.

Since I finished the 30 day bootcamp, I've been mulling over my next physical activity goal. I've been going back and forth between a few things and I just decided on doing the gym's 60 day challenge that starts mid- January. This is going to be incredibly more intense than the 30 day but my goal is to maaaaayyybbbeeee get fit enough to do a bikini/fitness competition in early spring. Ahhhhh! It's not something I've ever wanted to do mostly because I didn't think I had it in me, But now I know anything is possible and I want to try! It's going to be hard and will require discipline and I think I'm game!

That is so awesome! You rock! Def give it a try. You always amaze with your physical activity goals. I need to come up with some myself for 2017... time to start thinking!

You sound to be in a bit of a better place than the last time I checked in... I like that. Keep on keeping on. You got this!

[Pax_luv]

Hello All,

Thanks for stopping bttrfly, Sotto, and Pinn!

I had an insanely busy week.... Very stressful. But I got about 90% of my d paperwork done. Met with the law office yesterday and now feel a little lighter knowing that I just have 2 more docs to do. Finally. Will get those done this weekend.

Having a so-so day. I churn and burn all week and by Saturday I just have to decompress because I feel like I have nothing left in me. It's almost 4 and I'm still in my pjs trying to keep warm on the couch. Had a few invites to go out, but I don't wanna! Watched a few Xmas movies, ate some Chinese food, and had a couple cries. Ohhhh the holidays.

Tomorrow I'll be meeting up with a girlfriend to make Christmas cookies. That will be fun.

And....This coming week will continue to be busy at work as I wrap up year end "stuff". Ho hum.

Onwards db'ers. Wishing you all a lovely day.

[Sotto]

Well done with the paperwork Pax - good for you. I understand with the work busyness and feeling you have no more to give. I feel that way too sometimes. A day in your PJs is a great idea when you feel like that and nice that you also have cookie making plans with a friend.

Truly, I think you are doing as well as can be expected, given all circumstances - so kudos to you. Xx

[job]

I agree w/Sotto...well done on the paperwork. At least you can rest a little better and enjoy the holidays a bit more now that a large majority of the paperwork is done.

This time of year always is crazy around work. Everyone wants to get as much done before the end of the year and it burns the employees out so much so that they don't have much energy when the weekend comes. There's nothing wrong in being in your PJs most of the day, just as long as you are comfortable and cozy.

Enjoy making cookies today w/your friend.

I think you are handling your situation very well. Hang in there!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks for thinking I'm handling this well job and Sotto. I'm a good faker

You all know the roller coaster... I don't need to be a broken record... But I'm in a bit of a dip. Sometimes I sit back in disbelief thinking.... How did it come to this? How could we not have worked through this? Why hasn't he shown any hesitation?

Saturday was my pj day and I ended up watching stbx's favorite Christmas movie (it's also a romance). Cried throughout the movie and when it was over I even pulled out the scrapbook he made me and sifted through it page by page..... I sobbed And kept shaking my head.... What the f happened? I knew I shouldn't have looked, but I did it anyway. I saved my last bday card he gave me and i keep it in the book. In it, he just gushes over me and our life together. He can't believe how much more he falls for me year after year. And just a few months later was the kid ultimatum and shortly after that- ILYBINILWY.

Again, I have to believe this isn't about me. But what if I'm wrong?

It's the holidays and I think the current state of things just makes it all cut a bit more.

Then again, I have to remind myself that I need to value myself more. Why on earth would I want someone like stbx in his current state as my life partner??? I certainly can't think I'd want him as the father of my future children. ick.

Ugh. Yeah... I admit, I put myself back on the rollercoaster and am paying the emotional toll. I'll be back on stable ground soon. Bleh. Thanks for reading.

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax!

Rollercoasters are supposed to be fun. This isn't fun, so I no longer use that analogy (I believe I'm smirking).

Its ok to wade through the memories, look back at the times your S made you feel beautiful, loved, cherished and then put your hands to your head and say, "hunh?!". It is him (mostly), not you. Stress, depression, aging all can cause someone to have a drawn-out fight or flight response. There is very little rational thought going on when this is going on.

When I started to understand this, I wondered how my H was able to function at work or with other people? Well, work became a focus and something to flee to. Other people (who didn't question him) became a means to escape as well. Me? I was the one who called him out on rotten behavior when his trying to have fun became selfish. I was the "responsibility". I became the symbol of all of the pressure and things that were causing him to feel unhappy. I was like the strict mom and dad during the teen years that he needed to rebel against because I was "smothering" him, not letting him have any fun. How many teens end up shouting "I hate you!" or "leave me alone!" to their parents who are just (in their heads) loving their child and trying to do what they feel is best?

It is confusing and heartwrenching for us. So, we need to just let that teen grow up. Let him leave the house. Let them go off to college or try to make his way in the real world without us there to judge their every action. We can then be empty nesters again and remember what life was like before kids and go live it again. We let them know that they can come home for holiday dinners, to do laundry, to "touch base" and feel the warmth of home. At some point that rebellious teen disappears and an adult (hopefully) takes his place. So, we let them go.

Its not us, Pax. Not totally. But we do need to look at ourselves at this time and change the things we don't like, or that we realize made a bad situation worse. We work on us and let them work on them. Sometimes it takes going all the way through the D for them to at first feel truly free of "our control" before they can breath and come off of the panic they had built up. To stop running or fighting. So, as Cadet has said, we are given the gift of time. That's for us. We get to work on us...without interference. We should let them do the same.

You can see in your cards and scrapbook that there was love. Let him go and understand that he needs to be alone right now. That will be the most loving thing you can do for someone, and do it without anger or bitterness. Who would want to return to that? Give him the gift of time. And be the lighthouse...the warmth and light of what was and what could be again.

[job]

ciluzen,

What an excellent posting. Your posting is spot on and as you stated, they are teenagers right now and are rebelling against everything we stand for...so we need to let them go, allow them to grow up and hopefully, one day, they'll mature and become responsible adults.

We have our own journey to make and once we understand what is happening w/our spouses, then we can continue on w/our travels and improve on those things that need improvement and hopefully rediscover ourselves in the process.

[SBJ]

We have our own journey to make and once we understand what is happening w/our spouses, then we can continue on w/our travels and improve on those things that need improvement and hopefully rediscover ourselves in the process.

I am seeing that more clearly, job...it seems that the more I understand MLC, the easier it is on me, but harder to explain to my family and close friends as to why I am still standing and not totally done with her. She has filed for D for some internal reason that only she knows. I hope that I can stand tall thru all of this for her to see the true love that I have for her. It is hard when everyone you know tells you that you should just get over her and move on. They just don't understand the situation I guess.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you Ciluzen for that thoughtful post. I've read and re-read it several times.

I feel like i have nothing new to add except that I've personally gotten stuck in a place Ive been at before through this emotional journey. I'm not really sure how to step up my game and help me through it. I've gone back in my own tunnel a bit.

I think me not giving him what he wants (a d settlement on his terms) has given him actual fuel as to why he's divorcing me. 2 months ago, The reasons for divorcing me were irrelevant to our current sitch and now I'm greedy and selfish... Always have been... Never contributed, etc. Now he has all this ammunition and hatred towards me and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. There's nothing I can do try to get him to see things differentLy. I won't back down from coming up with something that is fair.

So... Here we are. It's getting closer to the end and again I know I haven't given it my all (Except for all my efforts in my solo life.) I've made so many positive changes to my life and my relationships. I see it every day. I've changed my outlook towards life and I've influenced others around me to live their life a bit differently as well. That to me is just awesome and makes me want to continue forward with the life I am starting to live. I even use DR techniques with my employees! Unfortunately, there's that one tiny thing holding me back. Stbx.

Let's be real. I wasn't happy towards the later part of the marriage either... Marriage is so tough, but I didn't question my love for him. h had real issues that stemmed from his childhood. Things that effected him every day... And I noticed this outside of his MLC. These things soon affected me and I withdrew and became this compliant little wife just so I wouldn't rock his boat at all. He was this fragile thing in my mind and I had to walk on egg shells to keep the peace. (Sound familiar?) He hated hugs, didn't believe in sentiment... Whenever I told him he was my best friend, he would reply "I don't have a best friend." It was soooo hard. I accepted it because that was kind of his "thing" (for lack of a better term) and I loved him no matter what.

Everything is so superficial with him so i know about the masks well. Why can't I let go!!!!!!!???????

Ok- lots of rambling there. I'll get through this. Deep breaths. Thank you all for your continued support.

[bttrfly]

Pax --- been thinking about you - how are you doing? hugs xoxoxoxo

[pinn]

Hey Pax... just stopping by to say merry christmas and happy new year. Hope you are breaking out of that rut you were stuck in a few days ago. Keep that head up high. On to 2017 right?!?

[Pax_luv]

Hiya bttrfly and Pinn! Thanks for stopping by. This place is amazing and I'm so grateful to have interacted with each and every one of you.

Me? I'm doing OK. Not bad, not great. Don't want to be a downer at all, but I have some things that are weighing on me and I just want to sleep it all away. It's definitely a sign of situational depression and burnout, but I'm keeping it in check. The one thing I can't manage is the fact that I keep getting those stress twitches everywhere! It's been a month since I've seen my dog, and it's been almost that long since I've been nc with stbx. Miss my dog like crazy... He's part of my fam. Miss the memories of good times with stbx, but that's all they are right now-memories.

Another thing that is weighing on me is, I'm struggling financially at the moment and feel really guilty that I wasn't able to buy any gifts for my staff. I wrote them each a thoughtful card, but didn't have anything to supplement. They all got me some really thoughtful items. I feel bad, but hope they appreciate the sentiment in the card. I also didn't buy any gifts for the fam or friends, but they definitely understand because they know what im going through. Plus it aligns with my attempts to be more minimalistic in my life. I'm sharing my konmari learnings with others.

hey... On the plus side, I am healthy, I'm surviving, I have great opportunities that will be starting soon. All is ok. I'm looking forward to gorging this weekend! Hoping the weather cooperates and I'll be able to go on a hike Xmas morning.

Thanks again for reaching out. Wishing you all a lovely holiday! I hope you all get some time for peace and relish in the sheer grace that comes with the season. Xoxoxo

[pinn]

The one thing I can't manage is the fact that I keep getting those stress twitches everywhere!

OMG... I get those too!! They are the worst. They started about 9 yrs ago as I was graduating grad school. Then I googled it.... I will never google a medical issue again! It made them a million trillion times worse haha. They flared up in the months pre BD. Obv I knew something was wrong. Then they went away after BD. They come and go but it is a freaky thing and so annoying! I didn't hear of anyone else actually having them till now. Everyone I tell thinks I'm nuts. Crazy how our minds can affect our bodies sometimes.

Hang in there... I hope you get to hike. Last Xmas here was in the 60s and I got to go on a nice run!

[bttrfly]

Merry Christmas Pax .. yeah, I was getting eye twitches for months - that's gone thankfully. I hope you have a beautiful hike and a peaceful Christmas. Focus on setting your intentions for 2017 ... that bikini competition is in your future!!! I think you'd mentioned Ernestine Shephard? If you hadn't mentioned her (my memory isn't as great as it was before all this unfolded), she's a great role model and I suggest googling her.

What is important is that we give from the heart. I'm sure your notes were sincere and meaningful, personalized for everyone who received them. So much better than some useless something that will be forgotten in a few days or weeks.

Sending you {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and wishes for a lovely day xoxoxoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Merry Merry Christmas everyone! Sending you love and peace on this day.

It's harder this year. Last year, I was 6 months into my separation and held onto hope every day. This year..... There is none. The air feels different. My family has moved on, they let their son in law/brother in law go (as in good riddance) and so it feels like I'm the only one who is still silently mourning. My dog, however, is very noticeably absent and all miss him.

Doing ok... Keeping the brave face on. Feeling very alone in a house filled with 35+ people. Had to escape the noise and come here

Whatever you are feeling today, just remember you're not alone. I'm thinking of all you and wishing you great strength.

Xoxoxo

[Coly23]

Hey Pax, seasons greetings! I hope your Christmas Day went well. Wow 35 people in one house! That must be a very big house!!

I know what you mean about being in a crowded room but feeling very alone and this for me is more significant when I am with family. It must also be hard to see that everyone has moved on from your H but all they see is the hurt that he has caused you so they are happy to let him go.

I dreaded Christmas Day but now I've got through it, it wasn't so bad. I think the whole one day at a time is a good mantra for us to have and I'm only just getting the hang of it!

Stay strong (((Pax)).

[Pax_luv]

Hello! Hope everyone is having a good week. I'm so ready to say adios to 2016!

I woke up the day after Christmas feeling much better. I was a little more balanced. Yesterday, I was back to my old self and was happy as a clam! One thing about all the mindfulness training I've done is I've become hyper aware of my shift in emotions. Now, i just have to get better at regulating them (i.e. The sadness).

Since I was feeling much better, I got unrealistic expectations up in terms of stbxh. I thought, it's been an entire month without a peep, maybe he's cooled off a bit? Maybe the holidays softened him a bit? Maybe he'll reach out and let me see my dog?

That's a big fat NOPE! Got another nasty email from him to my L. Again..... How he's doing everything and I haven't done my part. I didn't do a good enough job getting the documents he wanted and he worked harder than me. Gah- grow up!!!!

The saga continues.

PS- Booked myself a 90 minute massage for Friday. The goal is to leave all the knots and stress in 2016. I can't wait!!!! (Hopefully it will help my twitches go away, too!)

[Huddy]

Yeah, 2015 & 2016 can go and whistle! Let's hope 2017 is much, much better!

[Rouky]

Hi Pax, sorry to hear that Xmas wasn't that easy. I know too well the feeling. Unfortunately now I guess you really seeing your H's true colours. I can only imagine how hard it can be but stick to your guns. Regardless of what he says you have brought your fair share in your marriage, you know the truth so does he. Even if it's hard for the moment, few years down the line you will hold your head high, I'm not so sure about your H.

[Esame]

I hope your massage was amazing and it really helped you leave the knits and stress behind. Have a wonderful new year!

[Pax_luv]

Hey everyone! 2017! We made it through another NYE! Wishing a happy, healthy, and peaceful year for all of you.

I partied the last two nights in a row. This is very unlike me. Kind of feel like a sloppy teenager seeing is how I've had a hangover for the last 36 hours. Im always safe... Just letting loose a little . I did go out last night; had a date with me. Had the midnight kiss. It was a-ok. It was the first New Years in 2 years that I didn't spend sobbing over stbxh. I feel ok with my decision to do that.

Now I need to get back on track. I've indulged far too much this holiday season and am feeling it!

So.... Who knows where 2017 is going to take me? My 60 day gym challenge starts soon. I'm looking forward to the rigidity and focus that it will take. Also, as part of the community leadership program that I'm a part of, I will be donating my time to work on a special project with a local non-profit for the next 5 months. Im excited about that... But am a little nervous that I may be stretching myself thin! I have a lot of commitments!

I'll continue to walk on the path and just take things a day at a time. Next week the D process will start ramping up again. I know it will dig at me a bit, but I'll mush through.

Onwards, friends... Here's to making 2017 the best year yet!

[HaWho]

Good for you going out there and having some well deserved fun!

I know good things are coming your way in 2017. I am sending you positive karma!

[Pax_luv]

Hey HaWho! Thanks for the good karma wishes!

I'm coming here today to just let some things out. I have this anxiety in my chest again over stbx. It's ridiculously annoying because I'm trying everything to move through it but it's wont subside!!!!

I started ruminating over stbx yesterday and I think it's carried over to today and it's become a bit consuming.

For one, I found out yesterday that his friend recently got married. Marriage #4 for him. Stbx did not like this guys girlfriend (now wife). They started dating at the end of our relationship. H didn't like hanging with this guy anymore because all he did was complain about his gf. According to h, his friend was miserable and was never going to get married again. The guy kept trying to find ways to break up with her. And now they're married.

What got me spinning a bit was the following-
1) I would die if h got remarried now or in the near future. But hey, these things happen and there's nothing I can do about it.
2) marriage and relationships aren't perfect. I don't know if this guy got married for the right reasons (clearly he gets married a lot), but again, My jealousy kicked in because people make it work. We didn't make it work, but I sure did try on my own and I'll always feel a bit jilted for not ever having the opportunity to try together.

On an unrelated note, I was also recalling a convo that h and I had as he shared the d paperwork with me. He brought up the fact that one of our mutual friends now agrees that we shouldn't be together. This is old news now, but who was he trying to convince and why? Over a year later and the guy is now in agreement?? Was he not before? Was h still talking about it/us??

Also, when we were speaking, I was baffled by some of the things he would share with me and I could see how much he "liked" drama in his life. Our drama definitely kept him on a high as he moved into his new life. I had to think about this drama because there have been a lot of pics of him on FB out and about with another friend he was trying to get rid of before our split and his young boy toy. I wonder if he's found peace with those friendships or if he's just resigned to them.

So.... Then I had a very realistic intimate dream about him last night and this is all enough to pull me back to square one. Guh.... What the heck?

So there ya have it. I hate sharing my nonsense here because there's no relevance to my actual life here and now, but I thank you for reading and for your sincere comments, always. Wishing you all another fab day. Xoxo.

[bttrfly]

honey if not sharing here than what? keeping it all festering inside?

all i know is that this is a process. not a quick process either.

some days are great, others I feel like i'm still free falling without a parachute from the airplane wasband threw me out of on BD ... it's the nature of this beast, I think.

let it out, keep breathing, be gentle with yourself.
xoxoxoxo
sending {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I think we need to revisit things sometimes in order to move forwards. The main thing is not to get stuck there. Whenever I feel that happening, I press the forward button again and move ahead with something in my life..

Just on ruminating....I understand that one for sure. But do remember that your thoughts are just that - thoughts. And thoughts are not reality, just thoughts that come and go. It's important not to 'buy in' to them. I found Guy Winch's TED talk on emotional first aid really helpful in this area.

Take care Pax & happy new year!! Xx

[Surfer]

It's harder this year. Last year, I was 6 months into my separation and held onto hope every day. This year.....

Hi - I felt this. Read a bit of some of your sitch.

I was 6 months in to our S this NYE. However in house separation for circa 2 years prior to that and the spew and anger that comes with it. I think I have become very matter of fact about this and the date thing is interesting as I have a few interested parties that are keen to date......all of this has kick started me into a new lease of life. Gym bod time, healthier lifestyle, more focus on me. Zero interest is WS (Anger Addict/Verbal Abuser/Controller) and her ways. Funny how we all start off with the chasing, spying, egg shells to their spew. I can't even tell you where the roller coaster is parked these days!!! LoL.

Surfer.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for stopping by and for your continued support.

So weird being back in this funk. I feel a bit lost without a compass... But at the same time, I know I've been here before so I know ill be good... Eventually. Last night I couldn't sleep so I busted out my anti fear, anti anxiety meditation/ hypnosis. I think I need to reintroduce this and keep it as a habit for a while. So strange because in other aspects of my life, I dont operate in this manner. Maybe it's ptsd from all this?

My L needed me to fill out one more form and I was supposed to have it done yesterday. I still haven't even started it! In fact, I've had my computer on my lap for the last 3 hours and I've done EVERYTHING humanly possible to not do this paperwork. I sometimes procrastinate.... But not like this! This is crazy. I know there's something mental blocking me from doing this, but I can't figure out what. It's stupid actually. Just get in done, Pax!!!

Alright.... No more.... Time to tackle this.

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax. Don't be so hard on yourself. While on the surface it appears to just be a few papers you can easily sign, it represents a lot. Take your time. This is something you control and have power over, but obviously you are feeling the weight of it. You'll sign when you're ready. Then you can release the pressure that you've built up around it. You are doing just fine. You don't always have to follow a compass. By the way, I've always told people I never get lost as long as I remember where I came from. See? No compass needed! Enjoy roaming untethered for a bit!

[Pax_luv]

That was greatly comforting... Thanks ciluzen.

I figured out why I'm so frozen with this last piece of documentation (still only 60% done by the way). It's supposed to be the last one before we head into negotiations.

I've shared a bit about Stbx's demeanor here. It's all about not losing. He will do WHATEVER it takes to not lose. I won't share any more than that. However, This is what freaks me out. I make-up (based on past experience) that If I am off by .50 cents in my disclosures, he will find a way to discredit me and use it to "prove" that I'm dishonest, etc. I mean, he's pretty much been doing this the whole time.

That's major mind reading and pure imagination on my part, but trust me, I didn't form this fear or anxiety out of thin air. It came from me being on the sidelines of this for 11 years. I just never thought I would be on the other side of the table.

So, I'm currently paralyzed with fear. I've been In this exact place before with him. When he gave me the baby ultimatum, I froze up for months battling with fighting for my sense of self and my own integrity, while fighting for the marriage the best I knew how (in an environment where I didn't feel psychologically safe). It was lose- lose regardless, and I was completely and utterly paralyzed with fear. Frozen.

I'm here again. I have to trust that my lawyer is going to look after me and I pray I haven't made any mistakes with my paperwork... Because if I did, I'm afraid I will be royally screwed. I've shared this concern with my L a few months ago and he's assured me that it doesn't work like that in family law... But I can't help this feeling. I'm scared.

[Pax_luv]

Oh also, when I read his latest email to my L (which included more general threats) I just had to shake my head and say, "ick. This guy is SUCH a *beeeeep*!!!!!!! Then I told myself to hold on to that anger to fuel me a bit.

I wanted to text my girlfriends asking them to reinforce why this d is a good thing, why I'm better off, etc.... But I didn't. At the end of the day, that's not what I'm about. At least I'm going to walk away from this with integrity.

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, I understand your fears and I also found it difficult to quietly challenge XH's unrealistic perceptions of how a settlement should play out. This is why it helps to have L's. You don't need to deal with him directly at all and as long as you have been as careful as you can be with disclosures and so on, that's as much as you can do.

For XH, I found that once he had his own L, he became more realistic. Do bear in mind that his L in the background is going to be challenging unrealistic expectations on his part.

So, I would say finish off this last piece of information, breathe a sigh of relief and then start to think with your L about what would be a fair and realistic settlement in all circumstances. And if your H chooses to be unrealistic, overbearing, competitive or whatever - that's up to him and it needn't rattle you at all Sweetie xx

[JujuB]

Pax,

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have been dragging out my financial disclosure as well. Simple things took days, weeks, months for me to get out. And then it's not enough...more questions that I dont have the answers to.

I am so fearful that ex will take half of my savings because he never saved or perhaps hid his money. I have school debt from before marriage that I didn't pay off cause interest was so low and I believed I was investing and saving for a home. The unknown is scary!

My lawyer probably thinks I am the biggest flake. Ex is ocd, and detail oriented, and quick with his paperwork and quite frankly has more time and less distractions to complete.

There was a big mental block for me as well because I never handled the finances and was fearful.

Oh god I'm supposed to get more info for lawyer, but am writing this post at the moment. Ugh! I will feel so much better once it's done.

Won't our shoulders feel great without that weight?

[Pax_luv]

Thank you for the support Sotto...I do pray he is calmer in the next phase of this.
Knowing his demeanor, I prayed constantly while we were in the midst of the separation, just praying that he would realize that I wasn't fighting him. Why? Because I knew 110% that he was going to come at me swinging.... It's what he does

Juju- how similar we are! I trusted stbx with everything. As a business guy, our finances were always Sooo confusing and convoluted. I did not have access to the info so it's been a bear trying to get everything and I'm afraid of forgetting something. I too thought I was investing in a house (and a future) and he's trying to paint a picture that is quite the opposite. He actually thinks I should walk away with zero and give him spousal support. He doesnt have a "real" job, so he has all the time in the world to make my life hel!

I finished the paperwork today! Woop woop! I wasn't as organized as I normally am with the documentation so I'm going to have the paralegal sort it out for me. It's too much and I'm done. Put it on my tab!

Last night when I was thinking about the task I actually cracked myself up at how bad I was procrastinating. At midnight, i went and cleaned my teeth in order to avoid the work. I fully would rather do a full dental cleaning on myself at midnight than gather a single bank statement! Well, I thought it was funny anyway.

Ahhhh.... Taking this evening to relax.

[job]

I'm happy to read that you finished up your paperwork. I know how you feel about that stuff...but it's now done and the paralegal and do his/her thing w/it. Now, it's time to breathe and relax and also move on to other things.

[Pax_luv]

Happy Sunday all!

This post is coming to you live from my apartment complex's pool.

I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude and I wanted to come here and share this progress. Ps... As I'm typing this out, I'm actually listening to the song "So D@mn Lucky". So good.

As you know, I've been a super funk the last few weeks and I just feel so grateful that I'm on a very good high right now and Im not taking one second for granted.

Getting my paperwork done has helped alleviate a lot of stress that's for sure. It allowed me to completely enjoy this weekend. I cleaned, I organized, I exercised, I lost my voice at a dueling piano bar singing at the top of my lungs with friends, had an awesome dinner,

[Pax_luv]

Oops too soon....

Had an awesome dinner where I ate venison and octopus for the first time, had a wonderful brunch this morning with another friend...

13 uber rides later and now I'm sitting at the pool basking in the 75 degree sunshine thinking to myself... How the heck did I get so lucky? I have the nicest group of new friends that Ive met in the last year... I live in an awesome place... I feel more like myself than I have in years and right at this moment, I feel super happy and healthy and so so grateful that these low-lows are accompanied by such highs.

Hot dam* life is so crazy, but I'll take these awesome moments as they come and just savor each moment.

That's all for now. Wishing you all a wonderful day. I'm going to close my eyes and maybe get a little sunburn

[pinn]

awesome post Pax! brought a smile to my face! Though it makes me jealous that you are out by a pool. Sounds like a heck of a weekend!

[Altair]

Yes, Pax, it is quite warm here!!!!

Glad you are poolside.

[ciluzen]

So happy to hear the tone of this post and so jealous of your ability to sit out by the pool. It sounds like you had a ton of fun (glad you Ubered!) and found the time to sit back and appreciate the good that has come into your life. Sometimes we forget that there really can be a pony buried under all of the $#!% if we just keep digging deep! You go, girl!

[Rouky]

Just caught up with your posts. You sound cheerful and full of beans. So pleased to read this. Well done Pax.

[Pax_luv]

Hi, hi!
Oh the weekend is almost here! Counting down the hours!
Thanks for the sentiments and encouragement, Pinn, Altair, Ciluzen and Rouky! Xoxoxo

The week has remained pretty positive and solid! It was super busy, had 3 presentations to give and also had to work on a re- org which is not fun news to deliver, but all is well. I was able to get some play time in this week as well which always lifts my spirits.

I'm super excited because I start the 60 day challenge on Monday!!! I have my diet outline and it is very intense. 6 meals a day!? Eek! tomorrow is assessments, and general orientation. We also do before and after pics- ahh this is serious business! I keep telling everyone about it because I think I'm going to need some extra help keeping me accountable. I'm determined to do this work. I'm thinking of it as the icing on the cake. I've spent so much time working on myself... It's time for the outside to be a reflection of what's been happening on the inside I'm ready.

Tomorrow, I have a fun night planned. It will involve excessive intake of cheese and wine as it will be my last "bad" meal.

Sunday will be my day to recover and Monday starts 7 days of cardio and 5 days of bootcamp a week. Here we go!!! 60 days will go by fast ( I think.... I hope!)

Oh, so I will admit that I did have a moment of sadness this morning. I can finally say it was not about stbx and the d, but was because I miss my dog like crazy and I want to see him. I haven't pushed for the court order to demand that stbx share him with me because I'm just letting the sleeping dog lie for now. I greatly appreciate the peace I have for the time being and will continue to pray that stbx is treating him well. (Complete mind reading on my part, but I predict that ex will buy a new puppy just to make the separation of both dogs harder.)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

[pinn]

yeaaaa.. sounds great pax! Go get em in that boot camp!!

[Pax_luv]

Happy Almost Weekend!

Feeling kind of high on life these days and hope I never come back down!
I completed day 4 of my bootcamp challenge today. I'm so tired and I'm already sick of eggs, but this is fun for now. I think one of the craziest things about this little mission I'm doing is by how I'm motivating and inspiring others. (Bear with me, I don't want this to be an "I'm awesome!" Post... It has purpose).... But I've been pretty open about the details of the challenge with others and am working hard to stick with the regiment. People are seeing me live it and they have been inspired to push themselves further too. My employees are now tracking their water intake, my friend publicly posted on FB that she's been lifting more weights because of me, another friend made it his goal to work out in the morning before work every day this week, and I'm getting random texts from people who just want to tell me that they worked out. It's kind of funny actually. There's two things that get to me here..... 1) where was this all this support when I was putting all this energy into saving my marriage DB style? haha! 2) we, as humans, all have the opportunity to be a role model to someone out there... And I think aligning to the DB principles actually helps all of us get there. I think we're all more humble and dynamic human beings as a result of adhering to the components of the DB philosophy and every single one of us grows by the support we receive here. It's pretty astounding actually... And I think every last one of you is remarkable for even taking the journey here regardless of where you may end up with your r. My hat goes off to you. We've all had pretty crazy MLC bootcamp!

Tonight I was hanging with one of my guy friends. We went bouldering and did some cardio... And then had some chicken and brown rice after some conversation, he told me that I was the kindest and happiest person he knows and there's just really good energy around me.

And my jaw dropped (not literally). I promise you this, that is not how anyone would describe me when I was married to h. It would probably be more like sweet, or classy.... but not overtly kind or happy at all. It sounds silly, but it means a lot to me that people see me as just being happy because I haven't felt this way in years and years and years.... I feel like myself again. If only outsiders knew how much work it took to get here, how many lessons I had to learn.... Oyyy. Thank God in Heaven... There is light at the end of the tunnel.....whatever happens, we'll be authentically happy in our lives. I believe this.

That was pretty rambled, but I'm tired, and just wanted to chime in and say keep up the good work.... You're all pretty awesome.

[Rouky]

Such an inspiring post Pax. You made my day darling. Well done and so proud of you. You are a success.

[pinn]

Such an inspiring post Pax. You made my day darling. Well done and so proud of you. You are a success.

Yes!! ditto! So glad to read that post Pax... keep it up.

[ciluzen]

You sound very good, Pax!

You may not want it to be an "I'm awesome" post, but it is and you are. Nothing wrong with that! I think if people watch you taking a negative situation and turning it into a positive force to propel you forward beyond it, they can't help but be inspired. You become a role model. Your posts inspire me, for sure.

Keep it up!Those endorphins will do you good!

[HaWho]

Go Pax go; full steam ahead.

[Pax_luv]

Hiya Friends,

Hope everyone's week is starting off fantastic.

I'm good... The physical fitness challenge is going well and its the best distraction! All I do is workout, work, cook, eat, workout more, eat more, grocery shop, and do dishes and laundry. I literally don't sit down to decompress until 9pm. It's great though... I love being focused and committed. Plus, I am part of the best team which makes it much more fun.

Something irked me this weekend. Apparently ex went out of town this weekend and left my dog with a (former) mutual friend. This was one of the friends he tried "dumping" when we were going through our rough patch. It bothers me that after he and I split, they got closer. But then, I think... Hmmm maybe that's sad because he didn't have any friends of whom he actually liked that he could turn to. Whatever. (And after all the nonsense I heard about these friends, I'm the one that he left, and they maintained their r's). Again, whatever.


I'm very bothered that the first time I see my dog in months is on someone else's facebook page. Time for me to put in the court order to make him share. Up until now, I've been keeping things as is in an effort to avoid his nastiness. But the time is now to buck up. I'm having my moment from the Legally Blonde movie, "I'm taking the dog, dumbas$!!!!"

Anyway, he's still as nasty as ever and keeps accusing me of trying to drag this out. He's the one that is so hurt and is just trying to move on with his life so he can forget this painful mess. and I'm the one who is bitter and vindictive trying to drag this out to punish him.

Thank god for lawyers and for no contact with ex. Sayonara.... I think I've honestly shut the door and welded it shut. Good bye, sir.

Ps- today is the 8year anniversary of our engagement. (Rolls eyes).

[Pax_luv]

Hi all! I need a favor... I need some good reading material to keep my head on straight. I swear, ex is going to be the death of me.

He's kind of lost it in terms of his sanity. Per usual MLC antics, I was supposed to walk away from our 11 year relationship with just the clothes on my back because every last possession, property, nickel, and yes, the dog.....is his property.

Well, it clearly doesn't work like that. He's gone off the deep end in terms of manipulation, dishonesty, and turning me into a monster. Saying that I've been dishonest and misled him about my income!?!?! It's insane. I know it's projection on his part.. But what the heck?! Emotional terrorism at its finest.

So my ask- are there any threads out there that are similar that I may be able to read up on? I've gone through all the current threads here. I'm not trying to reconcile, I just need hope and inspiration about a lbs (wife) who was able to survive a truly heinous divorce from an MLC monster. Though... All our stories are kind of like this, right? If anyone has any crazy stories along these lines, I would like to hear them. In fact, I need to hear them.

That's a very needy ask of me. I just need something to keep me grounded. I'm about to lose it. Yes, I'm leaving this all up the lawyer... But it's not faring well for my emotional wellbeing. I've been great and I refuse to let this jerky bring me down because I worked so freaking hard to stand up and smile again.

[Sotto]

I found Codependent no More really helpful in this general area.

It does deal with difficult behaviour from others (which is up to them of course) and looks at how your own feeling and your own life needn't be impacted. It doesn't deal directly with this kind of scenario but there are many parallels to make I think.

V has also posted quite a bit about high conflict divorce. Personally, I would aim for absolute serenity and firm adhesion to fairness in all dealings WRT him. And how he behaves? Well, that's up to him....

Xx

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Sotto. You've always provided great wisdom in reinforcing the fact that his actions and behaviors are his to own. I've gotten OK with that, but he sinks my battle ship every time the financial stability gets threatened. He refuses to look at the numbers as facts and instead goes straight for the jugular.

Thanks for the book recommendation. Xoxo

[Rouky]

Hi Pax, I have no advice to offer you but I'm thinking of you and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Take care of yourself.

[Brubeck]

Hey Pax,

Sorry you're riding the rough tide in the D process. I am 3 1/2 months into my D, and what makes me angry is the back & forth that's created solely out of the crazy demands that stem from their sense of entitlement. You're not alone. It feels like you're being dragged into a fight you'd rather walk away from. Hang in there.

I am repeating for you two things I recently saw on other threads. I'm paraphrasing... even though they filed for a D and say they desperately want to get out of the M, they still drag out the process - to continue to keep the focus off of themselves, to antagonize you so you'll lash out at them thus justifying their decision.

Expect the D process to be a rocky, bumpy ride because they become "custody of the cats crazy" over stuff. (<===CaliGuy)

Remember, their problems will continue long after we're gone. You cannot put a price of peace of mind; something we are far more capable of achieving & maintaining in all of this. Take care.

[bttrfly]

Here's what I can tell you about my experience. My xh dropped the bomb, had a plan in his head for what would happen then got pretty freaked out when things didn't go according to the plan he had in his head. I consulted a lawyer and advised him to do the same. So, he lawyered up with a VERY expensive father's rights atty who demanded a ridiculously high retainer for a non-contested divorce with a kid who was 15 --- age is key, as son was old enough for the courts to take his wishes into account. Ex's lawyer caused way more problems, so much so that exh actually terminated their relationship about 6 or 8 months before we even went to court.

It seems this lawyer also convinced my xh that I was hiding assets because my name is on the deed to both my parents home and a plot of land that they own. According to xh, I hid this from him, I lied to him and it's a marital asset I was trying to keep from him.

This was totally irrational and erroneous. My name was on the properties four years before we'd even met. In fact, xh drove me to the lawyer's office to sign documents to change my name on the properties after we'd gotten married. My parents always paid taxes on the properties and I was specifically listed as only getting control after they both pass away. The land was supposed to be ours to build on but we never opted to do that. This was all well known to xh, yet in the throes of the divorce process he truly believed I was lying and out to hide assets from him. I don't know if he still believes that.

Was this instilled by his lawyer, fueled by MLC insanity and a medical condition he had? I believe so. He also took a secret vacation to Hawaii on our 21st wedding anniversary then months later when he had to show me credit card receipts he said he expected me to pay half.

In my experience they are nuts. The closer to the actual divorce proceedings you get, the crazier they become. No one is at their best. Try with all your heart to figure out what it is that you want. Negotiate from there. It helps to pray for the highest good for all concerned to be the result. That's the best I have to offer. My xh towards the end of it all did say that I never asked for anything for myself, it was always to protect our son, and acknowledged that I worked hard at being fair.

You will get through it though it feels really awful at the time. I likened it to free falling from an airplane without a parachute.

You can do this. xoxoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Rouky, brubeck, and bttrfly- thank you so much for your comments and feedback.

It's been so unbelievably busy and I'm grateful that I have positive things to fill my life up with instead of being scared frozen about my divorce. The beautiful thing in all this is.... I am ok. I am healthy and happy and stbx can't take that away from me. No longer does he have any influence on my life. I do have fear about the financial outcome because I'm a responsible and honest person.....and he is quite the opposite.. But that is why we have laws and that is why I have a lawyer.

Things are still very unpleasant with him but I'm not letting it affect me..... I've wisened up.

On some happy notes- Today marks the halfway point for my 60 day challenge. It has been an amazing journey and I get stronger every day. This gym is so supportive and encouraging with some tough love thrown in there.... It's the best environment to be in right now. I have muscles!!!! I'm looking forward to seeing what the next 30 days will bring. Additionally, I'm running a half marathon on Saturday. That should be fun too. It's been hard running on my new clean diet, but that's what makes it a feat to attempt.

Got promoted at work and I'm taking on a new bucket of work. It's very exciting! And one of my community leadership groups is actively working on a new project that will impact the county. Yesterday, we had a team meeting and it was in a councilperson's office.... I felt so honored to be amongst all the official house of representatives memorabilia. so cool.

All in all, things are great. Sometimes I sit back and think, how did I get so lucky?!!! And I know I wouldn't have gotten to this place or had these experiences if I remained married to the ex. I believe that God really does have a plan afterall.

With that, I wish you all a happy valentines day. I believe that all of us do and can come through this trauma with more compassion and with a deeper propensity for love. have a lovely day! Xoxo

[pinn]

Inspirational as always!! Congrats on the promotion! Some man is going to be very luck one day pax... trust me on that.

[job]

Pax,

Please start a new thread and be sure to link your threads together. If you aren't sure how to link them, please let me know and I'll be happy to assist you.

Thanks!

[Pax_luv]

thanks for the reminder, job

New thread-
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2731122&#Post2731122