Moving on to the next phase

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax!

Rollercoasters are supposed to be fun. This isn't fun, so I no longer use that analogy (I believe I'm smirking).

Its ok to wade through the memories, look back at the times your S made you feel beautiful, loved, cherished and then put your hands to your head and say, "hunh?!". It is him (mostly), not you. Stress, depression, aging all can cause someone to have a drawn-out fight or flight response. There is very little rational thought going on when this is going on.

When I started to understand this, I wondered how my H was able to function at work or with other people? Well, work became a focus and something to flee to. Other people (who didn't question him) became a means to escape as well. Me? I was the one who called him out on rotten behavior when his trying to have fun became selfish. I was the "responsibility". I became the symbol of all of the pressure and things that were causing him to feel unhappy. I was like the strict mom and dad during the teen years that he needed to rebel against because I was "smothering" him, not letting him have any fun. How many teens end up shouting "I hate you!" or "leave me alone!" to their parents who are just (in their heads) loving their child and trying to do what they feel is best?

It is confusing and heartwrenching for us. So, we need to just let that teen grow up. Let him leave the house. Let them go off to college or try to make his way in the real world without us there to judge their every action. We can then be empty nesters again and remember what life was like before kids and go live it again. We let them know that they can come home for holiday dinners, to do laundry, to "touch base" and feel the warmth of home. At some point that rebellious teen disappears and an adult (hopefully) takes his place. So, we let them go.

Its not us, Pax. Not totally. But we do need to look at ourselves at this time and change the things we don't like, or that we realize made a bad situation worse. We work on us and let them work on them. Sometimes it takes going all the way through the D for them to at first feel truly free of "our control" before they can breath and come off of the panic they had built up. To stop running or fighting. So, as Cadet has said, we are given the gift of time. That's for us. We get to work on us...without interference. We should let them do the same.

You can see in your cards and scrapbook that there was love. Let him go and understand that he needs to be alone right now. That will be the most loving thing you can do for someone, and do it without anger or bitterness. Who would want to return to that? Give him the gift of time. And be the lighthouse...the warmth and light of what was and what could be again.

[job]

ciluzen,

What an excellent posting. Your posting is spot on and as you stated, they are teenagers right now and are rebelling against everything we stand for...so we need to let them go, allow them to grow up and hopefully, one day, they'll mature and become responsible adults.

We have our own journey to make and once we understand what is happening w/our spouses, then we can continue on w/our travels and improve on those things that need improvement and hopefully rediscover ourselves in the process.

[SBJ]

We have our own journey to make and once we understand what is happening w/our spouses, then we can continue on w/our travels and improve on those things that need improvement and hopefully rediscover ourselves in the process.

I am seeing that more clearly, job...it seems that the more I understand MLC, the easier it is on me, but harder to explain to my family and close friends as to why I am still standing and not totally done with her. She has filed for D for some internal reason that only she knows. I hope that I can stand tall thru all of this for her to see the true love that I have for her. It is hard when everyone you know tells you that you should just get over her and move on. They just don't understand the situation I guess.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you Ciluzen for that thoughtful post. I've read and re-read it several times.

I feel like i have nothing new to add except that I've personally gotten stuck in a place Ive been at before through this emotional journey. I'm not really sure how to step up my game and help me through it. I've gone back in my own tunnel a bit.

I think me not giving him what he wants (a d settlement on his terms) has given him actual fuel as to why he's divorcing me. 2 months ago, The reasons for divorcing me were irrelevant to our current sitch and now I'm greedy and selfish... Always have been... Never contributed, etc. Now he has all this ammunition and hatred towards me and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing. There's nothing I can do try to get him to see things differentLy. I won't back down from coming up with something that is fair.

So... Here we are. It's getting closer to the end and again I know I haven't given it my all (Except for all my efforts in my solo life.) I've made so many positive changes to my life and my relationships. I see it every day. I've changed my outlook towards life and I've influenced others around me to live their life a bit differently as well. That to me is just awesome and makes me want to continue forward with the life I am starting to live. I even use DR techniques with my employees! Unfortunately, there's that one tiny thing holding me back. Stbx.

Let's be real. I wasn't happy towards the later part of the marriage either... Marriage is so tough, but I didn't question my love for him. h had real issues that stemmed from his childhood. Things that effected him every day... And I noticed this outside of his MLC. These things soon affected me and I withdrew and became this compliant little wife just so I wouldn't rock his boat at all. He was this fragile thing in my mind and I had to walk on egg shells to keep the peace. (Sound familiar?) He hated hugs, didn't believe in sentiment... Whenever I told him he was my best friend, he would reply "I don't have a best friend." It was soooo hard. I accepted it because that was kind of his "thing" (for lack of a better term) and I loved him no matter what.

Everything is so superficial with him so i know about the masks well. Why can't I let go!!!!!!!???????

Ok- lots of rambling there. I'll get through this. Deep breaths. Thank you all for your continued support.

[bttrfly]

Pax --- been thinking about you - how are you doing? hugs xoxoxoxo

[pinn]

Hey Pax... just stopping by to say merry christmas and happy new year. Hope you are breaking out of that rut you were stuck in a few days ago. Keep that head up high. On to 2017 right?!?

[Pax_luv]

Hiya bttrfly and Pinn! Thanks for stopping by. This place is amazing and I'm so grateful to have interacted with each and every one of you.

Me? I'm doing OK. Not bad, not great. Don't want to be a downer at all, but I have some things that are weighing on me and I just want to sleep it all away. It's definitely a sign of situational depression and burnout, but I'm keeping it in check. The one thing I can't manage is the fact that I keep getting those stress twitches everywhere! It's been a month since I've seen my dog, and it's been almost that long since I've been nc with stbx. Miss my dog like crazy... He's part of my fam. Miss the memories of good times with stbx, but that's all they are right now-memories.

Another thing that is weighing on me is, I'm struggling financially at the moment and feel really guilty that I wasn't able to buy any gifts for my staff. I wrote them each a thoughtful card, but didn't have anything to supplement. They all got me some really thoughtful items. I feel bad, but hope they appreciate the sentiment in the card. I also didn't buy any gifts for the fam or friends, but they definitely understand because they know what im going through. Plus it aligns with my attempts to be more minimalistic in my life. I'm sharing my konmari learnings with others.

hey... On the plus side, I am healthy, I'm surviving, I have great opportunities that will be starting soon. All is ok. I'm looking forward to gorging this weekend! Hoping the weather cooperates and I'll be able to go on a hike Xmas morning.

Thanks again for reaching out. Wishing you all a lovely holiday! I hope you all get some time for peace and relish in the sheer grace that comes with the season. Xoxoxo

[pinn]

The one thing I can't manage is the fact that I keep getting those stress twitches everywhere!

OMG... I get those too!! They are the worst. They started about 9 yrs ago as I was graduating grad school. Then I googled it.... I will never google a medical issue again! It made them a million trillion times worse haha. They flared up in the months pre BD. Obv I knew something was wrong. Then they went away after BD. They come and go but it is a freaky thing and so annoying! I didn't hear of anyone else actually having them till now. Everyone I tell thinks I'm nuts. Crazy how our minds can affect our bodies sometimes.

Hang in there... I hope you get to hike. Last Xmas here was in the 60s and I got to go on a nice run!

[bttrfly]

Merry Christmas Pax .. yeah, I was getting eye twitches for months - that's gone thankfully. I hope you have a beautiful hike and a peaceful Christmas. Focus on setting your intentions for 2017 ... that bikini competition is in your future!!! I think you'd mentioned Ernestine Shephard? If you hadn't mentioned her (my memory isn't as great as it was before all this unfolded), she's a great role model and I suggest googling her.

What is important is that we give from the heart. I'm sure your notes were sincere and meaningful, personalized for everyone who received them. So much better than some useless something that will be forgotten in a few days or weeks.

Sending you {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and wishes for a lovely day xoxoxoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

Merry Merry Christmas everyone! Sending you love and peace on this day.

It's harder this year. Last year, I was 6 months into my separation and held onto hope every day. This year..... There is none. The air feels different. My family has moved on, they let their son in law/brother in law go (as in good riddance) and so it feels like I'm the only one who is still silently mourning. My dog, however, is very noticeably absent and all miss him.

Doing ok... Keeping the brave face on. Feeling very alone in a house filled with 35+ people. Had to escape the noise and come here

Whatever you are feeling today, just remember you're not alone. I'm thinking of all you and wishing you great strength.

Xoxoxo