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Originally Posted By: Chris73
Originally Posted By: darknes
I definitely dont think its a 'sign'.

No not a sign. But MWD asks, "What the very first thing to signal that things are moving in the right direction?" At this point, a txt or phone call for no apparent reason is one of those things.

Yes, I'm being optimistic. No I'm not going to backslide or soften.


One of the best things my husband did in this process was to tell me early on to not try to read the tea leaves to figure out what he was thinking or feeling, that he would tell me when he had made a decision. It probably saved my sanity, and it made it so. much. easier to detach.

I think watching for signs might be a good idea if you are trying to fix a marriage that is not yet in open crisis, but I don't think it's good for most of us on the board.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Originally Posted By: Rose888
Originally Posted By: Chris73
Originally Posted By: darknes
I definitely dont think its a 'sign'.

No not a sign. But MWD asks, "What the very first thing to signal that things are moving in the right direction?" At this point, a txt or phone call for no apparent reason is one of those things.

Yes, I'm being optimistic. No I'm not going to backslide or soften.


One of the best things my husband did in this process was to tell me early on to not try to read the tea leaves to figure out what he was thinking or feeling, that he would tell me when he had made a decision. It probably saved my sanity, and it made it so. much. easier to detach.

I think watching for signs might be a good idea if you are trying to fix a marriage that is not yet in open crisis, but I don't think it's good for most of us on the board.


I realized I have more to say.

If you have a spouse who is confused, I think trying to analyze individual actions is counterproductive. It might be helpful to look at patterns of behavior.

I did find it helpful to consider reactions to my actions. So, for example, there were some common interactions that we had that always led to us being snippy with each other. I decided to 180 my part in those exchanges, and I did analyze how he responded to my changes. Not in terms of The Big Question about the fufure of our marriage, but in terms of whether his response was better or worse than before I made my changes.

Hopefully that is clearer.

I'm not saying never look at their behavior, but I am saying don't think individual actions indicate anything about the big picture.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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this ^^

Dont take anything as a sign. Just observe and put it into 'meh' bank. It will save your sanity.

Once and if she is ready to work on you you will know. Until then all bets are off.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Thanks Rose8888 and Natus.

Yes, underneath this tough LRT exterior I'm still a desperate man who wants his wife back. Hoping and praying that the next interaction between us will be her saying, "OMG! What have I done? I've been such a fool." I know it's naive to think this way but isn't that what we all want (or wanted) at some point in this journey?

I know these changes are for me but I fear that my detachment will push her away or even worse make me so bitter that I reconsider reconciliation myself. This time of year is so high stress with both of our kids having birthdays in December, plus Christmas and all that goes with it. Plus my W's mother died on 12/22 three years ago. So the emotions are high and this sitch isn't helping.

Ugh, I'm just venting. What it all comes down to is that I wish I knew if what I'm doing was working. I wish I knew what was going on in my wife's head right now. She's been sleeping on the couch for a week. She can't be happy.

I did manage to get out of the house last night. My W didn't argue. Unfortunately by the time I left there wasn't much to do but drive around.

Rose8888, what was life like for you and your H for the month of April between his two announcements? What is life like for you now?

Natus, can tell me more about "No More Mr. Nice Guy?" Did you read that book or is it just a mantra?

Happy Thursday DB'ers. Let's all try to stay strong and be good to ourselves.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Chris

Ultimately you have to be prepared to walk away.

To detach and to stop becoming invested in every nuance.

It's you that should be the centre of your world. Not your wayward.

LRT to me is I am prepared to walk away and to live my life, to GAL to put me first.

Waywards have scrambled eggs for brains. You can't get the yolk back in the shell.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Chris73
I fear that my detachment will push her away

Detachment is healthy. Why would you want to dread walking into your own house? Its because you are still letting her control your emotions. How on earth is THAT good for you?

And how would not letting her impact your moods drive her away? Are you being rude? spiteful? Are you ignoring her? Are you not listening when she talks to you?

You said it yourself...it's just your fear talking.

Originally Posted By: Chris73
or even worse make me so bitter that I reconsider reconciliation myself.

You have control over your emotions...not your 'level of detachment'. You are allowing yourself to be bitter. As I asked before, focus on the good in your life. Have you watched 'The Happiness Advantage' TED talk by Shawn Achor? If not, you should.

Originally Posted By: Chris73
This time of year is so high stress with both of our kids having birthdays in December, plus Christmas and all that goes with it. Plus my W's mother died on 12/22 three years ago. So the emotions are high and this sitch isn't helping.

So what are you doing for YOU to destress?

Originally Posted By: Chris73
Ugh, I'm just venting. What it all comes down to is that I wish I knew if what I'm doing was working. I wish I knew what was going on in my wife's head right now. She's been sleeping on the couch for a week. She can't be happy.

How about instead of focusing on what I bolded, judge if it's 'working' based on how YOU feel. Imagine she's an alien...how would you even be able to interpret whats in her head?

Originally Posted By: Chris73
I did manage to get out of the house last night. My W didn't argue. Unfortunately by the time I left there wasn't much to do but drive around.

Next time, have a plan. You should have a schedule of when your next 'free' night is, yes? Figure out some kind of GAL activity. Check meetup.com. [/quote]

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I think you SHOULD feel like that man that desperately wants his wife back; because it's what you are right now. One of the things that really hurt me early on was I tried to stifle that with a big smile plastered on my face as I GAL'ed. I think the problem is the two extremes - lying in bed crying all day, or faking a plastic smile. To me the best balance is to allow yourself to feel it, let it roll through you, but not wallow there. Pick yourself up, focus on something and move on.

Also, I'll join the chorus of not looking for anything positive. XW at one point told me she "loved and adored me" and I was on cloud 9. The next day, she said, "Oh I meant as a person much like I love many people, I'm not in love with you romantically". Crash and burn! That's exactly what causes the "rollercoaster" in DBing.


“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Great advice from everyone. Thanks!

Bippy78. I like your idea of allowing yourself to feel it. And I have been. But everything I've read and all the advice on this board instructs to "act as if" or "fake it til you make it". It's a tough balance.

Meanwhile, I think that one of the things I need to do is go dark on these boards for a while. I have an obsessive problem-solving nature and I think my emotions need a break from constantly posting and reading on this board. Don't get me wrong, I love you all and the advice and support have been great, but I need to walk away for a while. I need a break.

One more MC session scheduled for tomorrow morning. As I mentioned before, the objective is to identify the goals, length, and next steps of this trial separation. Please pray for me that I will have the strength to be compassionate without backsliding.

Thanks.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Originally Posted By: Natus
this ^^

Dont take anything as a sign. Just observe and put it into 'meh' bank. It will save your sanity.

Once and if she is ready to work on you you will know. Until then all bets are off.


My STBXW sent a text recently saying "maybe we should spend Christmas morning together, hard I know but maybe it will help"

My response was "help what"

I no longer read the tea leaves with her. Not sure where she was coming from and don't care really.

Then I told her I didn't think it was a good idea.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
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Quote:
No not a sign. But MWD asks, "What the very first thing to signal that things are moving in the right direction?" At this point, a txt or phone call for no apparent reason is one of those things.


All this b/c of one silly text she sent? It is called one thing......hook. She will throw those little hooks out there and you will spend time in many of your posts.....wondering what it all means.

It only hooks you if you bite. So stop biting the hook.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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