Don't know where I belong.....

[peacetoday]

Twin

Sorry his family does seem difficult ..It is hard to forgive. I think we have to go against our nature that wants to hold on to anger and resentments
think we have to practice training our mind to let go
it s in our attitude --after practicing it for a while,,It takes hold
I put it in Gods hands

If you like the codependent no more book by melody Beattie-
you may want to check out coda ..a 12 step group
the meetings are everywhere and some are very good

Hope your thanksgiving turns out well-

[twinmom]

Well, I've been reading a lot on boundaries and I need help. It's not healthy for me to interact with H's family. It brings out so much anger in me and then I fully take it out on H. I see us in the same place we were before he left but now it's me that wants out.

So I made dinner reservations for our family. Plans to attend parade in Chicago, hit up Shedd Aquarium when we got too cold and then dinner..... 2 days before Thanksgiving H calls me from work. Basically his mom pushed him into hosting & her bringing all food. I said we had tried this before & it didn't work. Told H to tell his mom just to buy tamales, guac & pico not to attempt the full dinner. But yes, I caved.

I am still so angry with MYSELF for caving. And what happened? The same bull@$!! as every holiday. My house was left a mess, no one cleaned up after themselves. H's nieces destroyed my kids rooms (toys everywhere) and didn't help clean up.
And to top it all off H was talking to his 2yr old niece about Disney characters and I said (sarcastically) tell your mommy & daddy to take you to see them. H then told her, "Your aunt twinmom is so nice we will take you".
I said this sarcastically because her parents gamble/shop/drink/job hop and don't have a penny to their name. They won't be taking her or her 6yr old sister to Disney. H thinks we should take them with as we have been going every year and that it's not fair.

I work very hard & so does H, he thinks we should be generous like when we host holidays. It makes me angry to spend my hard earned money on his family.

How can I set boundaries that are fair to H & still protect me from his family (being used)

[twinmom]

I started reading co-dependant no more but haven't made much headway...... work has been kicking my behind.

[Rouky]

I wouldn't worry about taking niece to see a Disney film as nothing is set in stone. If H brings it up again, just ask him what his family does towards your kids, and leave it to that.

[twinmom]

Rouky not a film..... Disney World in Florida... we go a lot.
H and I actually fought tonight, we don't really ever do that. Lots of screaming and for the first time ever a fist through the wall. He said he is fine with his family being disrespectful and treating him like a server just so he can spend time with them. I value myself too much to accept that.
I can't live like this, we only fight about his family.

[Rouky]

I'm sorry to hear about the fight you had. I hope you are safe and ok. Please look after yourself, and if the violence turns towards you leave or call the police.

You are worth so much more than that Twinmom. If your H wants to spend some time with his family, then he can go and see them on his own. You have the right to feel safe and respected. Maybe incline to your H that his family will no longer be welcome in your house if they don't show you any respect.

Please look after yourself xx

[kml]

Twinmom-
There's really two issues here and you need to keep them separate. I'm afraid that you're taking your (justifiable) anger towards your H and displacing it onto his relatives.

It's common - after all, you still need and want your husband so it's dangerous to direct your anger at him. His family are easy targets.

Nothing good will ever come of making your husband choose between you and his family, or of being resentful towards a two year old for her parents choices.

I think the real issue here though is the real and deep anger towards your H.

[twinmom]

Rouky, thank you for the kind words. H isn't a violent person... I was in a different room when he put his hand through the wall.

KML, you're right. I do have a lot of deep anger towards H. But I don't think I take out my anger for him on his family....

Wednesday night Lilly's gtube got caught on the couch and it came out. The balloon popped & H took her to the ER with the emergency kit to have them put in the new one. Local ER said the hole was closing & called children's hospital 3hrs away for instructions. They wanted her transportated ASAP & hooked to iv dextrose to maintain blood sugar. They were planning surgery as soon as she arrived so nothing by mouth. As the ambulance was prepping to take her I'm at home with the other kids (because no one in H's family can stay with them). I'm also getting text after text in a group text message about H's brother & his girlfriend who announced they are pregnant on Thanksgiving. Everyone is discussing the name they gave the embryo (not the actual name for the baby).
I was frustrated beyond belief that people who couldn't even send a "hope Lilly is ok" text expect me to give them attention?!

Oh & this brother is the one who has been to jail for selling drugs.... he **only** sells pain killers now (and has no drivers license)

KML, you're right about nothing good comes from making him choose.

[kml]

I'm not defending his family; they sound like a mess. But unfortunately, you're going to have to accept that they're not people you can depend upon, and work on developing your own support network.

[job]

I agree w/kml that you need to develop your own support network. Are you friendly w/any of your neighbors or moms that have children the ages of your children? This would be a good start in developing a network that you can rely on in an emergency.

You can't rely on his family. They are a total mess and they sound like they can't even get out of their own way and yes, they are very selfish and only think of themselves. Your expectations of them need to drop totally below zero because they aren't going to be there for you and your family. You've seen this over and over again. Leave them to their own mess and start working developing your own support network.

I do hope that your little one is doing better. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.