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#2717495 11/23/16 03:45 PM
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I've been reading on this site for several weeks and decided to join. My wife and I have dated for 4 years and we married over the summer. I'm in my mid 30s and she's mid 20s and no kids. Our biggest issues are communication and I didn't understand her love language. All she wanted from me is to show her love and I didn't do it in a way she understood. She asked me for months to read the 5 love languages and take marriage classes and I refused. I was too blind and prideful to think we had issues. She now feels like I don't love her and I can't meet her needs.

We had fight and she went to her parents about a month and a half ago. The first couple weeks we talked and she came home some. Stayed for the weekend, we talked, had sex and thought we were going to work on things. She said that was a mistake and moved a lot of her personal things to her parents the next day. I did everything wrong at this point. Begged and begged for her to try which pushed her away. She had so much anger built up and she would just yell at me and says she wants a divorce and we should have never married. Said many hateful things that she knows would hurt me. She tells me she doesn't love me. This went on for about a week and we stopped talking again for several days and then she would call or text about random things. This went on again for a couple weeks. Just kept saying she's sorry but it's over and she wants to get everything of hers out of the house.
While this was all going on I read her book and have gone to counseling. It's like a lightbulb went off in my head. I finally understand why she is feeling this way. I feel like a new person when it comes to emotions. I asked her to go to counseling with me and she says no because it's too late.

Then last week she came over to get a few things and said she needed to leave right away but ended up staying for 5 hours. We talked about what what I've learned and that I'm going to counseling, she, hugged me, and we kissed. She left because she knows we would have had sex if she stayed much longer. She's a very physical person and said she misses having sex. She made the comment why I couldn't have just done these things months ago. We continued to talk and text over the weekend. She was being nice, playful and having real conversation about our days, etc. She keeps saying over and over she wishes she could try again and wants to believe me but just can't and we need to both move on. Yesterday she said we should not be talking and has gone back to not texting or calling me. The back and forth is killing me inside and I don't know what to do. She won't tell me if she has filed for D or not when I ask and I don't think there is anyone else. I do know several of her friends are telling her to get out now because people don't change. Why does she want to talk one day and the next ignores me??
I need help!!

bsb #2717512 11/23/16 05:14 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2717575 11/24/16 07:55 AM
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So today is thanksgiving and her birthday is in two days. This has always been our favorite week of the year. It has me really down that we are spending it apart. ee haven't spoken since Tuesday. I know that isn't a long time compared to most on here but for us that's like months. I guess she's going to go through with this. I had so much hope last weekend when she seemed so confused.

Cadet #2717594 11/24/16 10:44 AM
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bsb, her actions are confusing because she is confused, she may want to believe you can change but she has memories of trying to get you to change and you not doing so.

Right now it's important that you do change, not for her but for you, so you are a better person. You said a light bulb went off in your head when you read one book, well there are many more light bulbs you need to turn on.

For now, be kind and supporting to her when she reaches out, but don't reach out to her, give her space to figure herself out. When you talk to her, don't tell her how much you've learned, show her. Validate her feelings (read the homework cadet gave you), and when she's not reaching out to you use that time to look into yourself and improve things one at a time.

Also, give more info when you get time, what where her complaints, why did she want you to go to counseling, how was your sex life, etc...


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut #2717597 11/24/16 11:23 AM
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That's exactly what I did last week weekend when we started talking/texting. We had several good conversations finally not revolving on the past. It was almost like we were almost normal again. She kept calling me baby and she kept the conversations going. She wanted to come to the house Sunday but changed her mind at the last minute. Then all of a sudden she went back to we need to stop talking because we are getting a divorce.

Her complaints are that I didn't show her love. I agree with that 100% now. Too much was always about me and what I wanted. I didn't give her physical affection outside the bedroom. She says she started to fall out of love and we shouldn't have got married in the first place. She wanted to go to counseling before we got married to discuss all of this and I wouldn't go. Now that I'm gong she won't. That's the part that hurts. I know I can be the husband she wants me to be now if she would just let me show it. Actions not words but how do I do that when we don't see each other?? Part of me thinks she knows if we see each other we will have sex and that scares her. She always a tells me that we had the best sex of her life and when we are around each other it just happens.
I feel like she's drifting apart further and further. We have been married for only 5 months and she acts like we are just dating and the marriage doesn't mean anything. I haven't contacted her since we talked Monday but it's hard!!!

bsb #2717615 11/24/16 03:30 PM
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Quote:
I feel like she's drifting apart further and further. We have been married for only 5 months and she acts like we are just dating and the marriage doesn't mean anything.


Maybe you changed immediately following the wedding. Some guys do. They are focused on getting the girl, so they romance her all the way to the alter. After M, they are focused on earning a living, and tend to fall away from some of the things or ways they had before M.

I don't understand about her wanting to attend MC before the wedding. Were you living together and already having issues?

Quote:
That's the part that hurts. I know I can be the husband she wants me to be now if she would just let me show it.


What makes you so sure? She gave you a chance for five months and you were focused on yourself until she left you. Now you are back to pursuing again. What's to say that once she goes back to you that you won't fall into your old selfish habits again? Do you even know what kind of H she wants........or is it more your idea of what you think she wants? And if you know, why did you not care enough to keep something precious and nourish it?

Quote:
Actions not words but how do I do that when we don't see each other??


Sounds to me like you have been seeing each other plenty. Are you pressuring her? Did you pressure her into M you? Seeing her will do no good if you don't know what to do once you get her back. You are pursuit mode, just like you were before the M. Stop focusing on just getting her back, and start changing the man. Are you on a self improvement plan? Why are you in counseling? Are you doing it to persuade her to go back to you?

Quote:
Actions not words but how do I do that when we don't see each other??


At the moment, I kind of think the girl still loves you. I haven't heard enough to decide if she is playing a little, in order to get what she wants from you. It doesn't sound good that your W of five months is saying you are getting a divorce!

She fell for you once, but the second time around you had better do a better job at keeping her......if she is worth it.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy and the links Cadet posted? If not, get it done ASAP.

Keep reading and posting.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2717616 11/24/16 03:53 PM
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She wanted to do pre-marriage counseling. I didn't want to go. We have been living together for a couple years and both said we already felt married. I didn't really understand her needs till I read the 5 love languages book. I highly recommend it. It went over basically everything she was trying to tell me. I started counseling about a month ago at first thinking she would go to try to work on things. She wouldn't go so I decided to still go for myself. It has helped for me. I feel like I understand why I acted the way I did at first. I'm continuing to go for me.
I want to believe she loves me but it's hard when she says she doesn't and wants out. It's the back and forth that really gets to me.

bsb #2717624 11/24/16 06:30 PM
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BSB,

Sorry you are here but I think you will get some really useful advice. I believe your M is salvageable.
Back off and give her space. She won't appreciate anything you are doing until she is ready to see it. She's got to see that the changes you are making are permanent and that you aren't going to slide back into being the old you. In order to ensure that the changes are permanent, you have to be making the changes for YOU, not to win her back. Dig deep and find out what you need to change and begin working on your issues. Detach, 180 and GAL. It will take time but if you are genuine in your changes, she WILL see them. She may even be angry at them at first. That's normal. Let her be angry and give her space. She will come around. When she decides to show up, listen and validate.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
LiM #2717677 11/25/16 06:45 AM
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I have backed completely off. Yesterday was the the hardest day yet and I didn't sleep much last night. I've had several breakdowns. I guess I thought she would reach out since it was thanksgiving. Tomorrow is her birthday. I'm not sure what to do? I miss her so much right now and it's like she could care less about me. It hurts so much.

bsb #2717722 11/25/16 01:18 PM
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Last week she also made the comment how the worst part is behind us. Far as I know she hasn't even filed yet but I know there is no way the worst part is over if she goes forward with this. I know she's confused from her actions last week. She just won't let go and says she's too scared to try.

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