I think there is probably a difference between a "private friendship" that meets often with just the two of them - and people who grab a coffee once in awhile.
One thing I would recommend from painful experience is patience. His first few weeks and even maybe months with a therapist are not going to be super helpful; it typically takes time to get through the surface churn before you get to the stuff that is really going to help him deal with the issues.
A second thing is to just be calm and cool and leave it alone, especially the Friday night confrontations. It doesn't sound like going dark is needed in your situation, but I would keep that stuff to a minimum. Right now, this OW is a source of emotional support, and it's unlikely he will want to walk away from it.
Hmm. It wasn't suggested on here that you detach and do a 180 and gal....I dunno about that. You said one of your issues is that you weren't home often and out. You have a life. That may have been one of the problems. A 180 to you would be being more hands on and engaged. Why were you not home often? What were you out doing?
I definitely do think there is an EA and most likely PA going on.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I agree with Sandi--unless you have an open relationship.... If you have a one on one MR-- I agree with Sandi. If you have secrets with someone of the opposite sex.... what is that for.?.? If you need a C, then see a professional.
I think if is good to find hard evidence of A if there is one. That does not mean you confront though. Post on the boards if you find evidence--and get feedback.
I think it is normal for people to look for support from others outside the marriage (not right perhaps, but normal) And then it gets out of hand with more talking and perhaps physical stuff.... As people get older, they become unhappy with themselves but look at their partner as the cause....
If you detach, it shakes their stability and may cause them to snap out of it and face reality, that they better be proactive and take care of their happiness, which hopefully includes you!! But you have to proceed as the forum suggests, with 180, detachment etc... and keep all this to your self.... If your partner finds out, they will think you are manipulating versus trying to move forward.
If you find hard data about A, it is helpful to know where you are so to speak, but does not define how you will proceed. Even if no A, he is still not being respectful... and don't you want to be respected and loved..... So how will you proceed. It is hard, but find a model to be this person who will stay strong, and keep emotions to themselves and emote only friendly, pragmatic, actions... and words....
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Until recently, he's been attentive and loving. We had issues: I'm a bit distant, push people away, don't express emotions well, spent too much time away from home... I'm seeing a therapist for that now and the current issues.
His mom says he has depression in the family and it hits in the 30's hard. I think he is depressed, bit I also suspect MLC.
He's got a new female friend who's 10 years younger. Says nothing but a friend, but they hang it every Friday. He's started drinking a bit, which he never did much because he did was an alcoholic (who cheated on his mother, leading to the D). He says he's not a cheater, doesn't want to be at all like his dad...
He wants to be "friends". Not sure if he wants divorce at the moment. I asked if I should have hope for us, he says I should be "neutral". I don't want a divorce. I hink he still loves me but is just very confused. He admits his confusion. I plan to wait this thing out as long as I can.
We get along better now than ever. We're like best friend roommates who occasionally have sex. I've stopped the R talks/questions, trying to detach, GAL (but not too much, since that was an issue previously) on an antidepressant... Sheltering in place. Advice?
I am confused at the suggestions to detach and do a 180 when carrot says that her being detached was already an issue.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
I am confused at the suggestions to detach and do a 180 when carrot says that her being detached was already an issue.
If there was not a third person in this relationship this might work. MHO is that unless that issue is resolved pursuing is not going to work. Carrot can work on changing and figuring out how to not be detached for future relationships, but no pursuit at this point.
It's basically like saying the only way to keep a drunk from drinking is by keeping alcohol out of the fridge. If the desire is there, they will find a way. All men being attracted to all women (friend or not) and vice Versa is a bit crazy. It sounds a lot like the closed minded "straight" guys saying gay guys need to stay away from them because they assume all gay guys go after all guys.
Whoa.....that is not what I am saying at all. I am sorry you interpreted it that way. It is never my intent to purposely offend anyone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No offense taken. Trying to understand what you mean. I think that the desire in the heart to be adulterous is there regardless. Just not sure keeping all of the triggers is really the way to prevent anything from happening and a blanket "all guys that hang with girls will cheat" type of thought is tough to swallow.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
..."all guys that hang with girls will cheat" type of thought is tough to swallow.
I think the issue is that the line between "just friends" and an EA can be very blurry, particularly to the participants. The metaphor that's often used is that if you put a frog in water and slowly elevate the temperature, the frog will eventually cook because the temperature is rising so slowly that the frog doesn't realize it's in trouble.
Pretty sure snooping would not help me detach but I don't know what to do...
There are pros & cons about it. If you know your emotions could not withstand the shock & heartbreak of reading messages between him and the OW.....I would not advise you to do it. Some people had rather know what they are up against.....and some had rather not read about the gory details. My question to you is what would you do if you discovered they were in a EA or PA? Would you give him the ultimatum to end it or you'll file for divorce? If so, and if you rather know than not know, that is your decision. Just remember what I said about ultimatums.
There is a link in Cadet's homework about setting boundaries, which is different than giving an ultimatum.....that could be helpful.
Also, I will post a shorter version on DBing detaching. Detaching in DB style is not the same as just not being at home all the time. It is not about the silent treatment or acting cold/angry. It is, however, a way for you to cope during a most stressful time. I think you will find that you already have boundaries in place for a lot of things.
You said you use to be gone from home too much, what were your reason?
Besides the issue between his parents, was there anything else your H has told you about a crisis or tragedy that affected his life?
I hope you feel free to ask any questions you may have about DB.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
