I've been lurking in the boards for a few weeks and finally decided to post my story.
I've been with my H since I was 19, only person I have ever been with. Married 6 years ago, got a house, no kids. He's wanted kids for awhile, but I'd never felt ready. We've recently (about April) started "trying". Sort of. Like not actively preventing and half trying. Anyway... Early October we're on vacation, trying for that baby when he looks at my panicked and says "I don't want to have a kid". He has baggage from his parents D when he was young and doesn't want his child to grow up without a dad.
I tell him he has control over that. Also that he's been acting distance he past few days. He blows up says he's never felt close to me, never wanted to get married, but felt pressured into it by his mom, me, society... Hasn't loved me since a year after the wedding, hasn't been happy in 11 years.
Barely speaks to me, won't look at me most of the rest of that week. Following week, civil, but irritated with me. Third week, mostly friendly. We're now at a point were it's business as usual, but we don't kiss, hug or say I love you. He says he loves me. But isn't in love with me, although I'm his best friend and he is still very attracted to me.
He wants to separate and live alone, be selfish, not think of anyone else, not have responsibilities (feeding the cat is too much), and figure out his head.
He plans to continue paying the mortgage on our house and wants me to stay in it while he figures himself out. He likely would have left already except that I begged him not to go during the holidays.
Until recently, he's been attentive and loving. We had issues: I'm a bit distant, push people away, don't express emotions well, spent too much time away from home... I'm seeing a therapist for that now and the current issues.
His mom says he has depression in the family and it hits in the 30's hard. I think he is depressed, bit I also suspect MLC.
He's got a new female friend who's 10 years younger. Says nothing but a friend, but they hang it every Friday. He's started drinking a bit, which he never did much because he did was an alcoholic (who cheated on his mother, leading to the D). He says he's not a cheater, doesn't want to be at all like his dad...
He wants to be "friends". Not sure if he wants divorce at the moment. I asked if I should have hope for us, he says I should be "neutral". I don't want a divorce. I hink he still loves me but is just very confused. He admits his confusion. I plan to wait this thing out as long as I can.
We get along better now than ever. We're like best friend roommates who occasionally have sex. I've stopped the R talks/questions, trying to detach, GAL (but not too much, since that was an issue previously) on an antidepressant... Sheltering in place. Advice?
Me:34 H:36 M:6yrs, T:15 ILYBINILWY: Oct. 2016 No kids, just a cat
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I should probably also add that during the various relationship status discussion we'd had during the past few weeks (before I stopped initiating them), he'd come down from 11 years unhappiness/not being in love, now to 3 years.
He had apparently held onto some anger from from being confronted abut how late he was out during one of the Friday nights. Saturday morning I'd gone out, returned around 1pm, and when he first spoke to me demanded that we sell the house and get divorced. We talked it out for an hour, attended a friend's wedding that night, and both got the feels set off by various wedding songs, events, etc. and had to keep excusing ourselves from the table to go be teary-eyed in a lobby together.
He started seeing a therapist on his own last week.
Because his mom is having a hard time with her own issues, he's planning to move in with her in January to help her out/get get his space even though it's likely to frustrate/stress/depress him further.
So, just all around confused.
Me:34 H:36 M:6yrs, T:15 ILYBINILWY: Oct. 2016 No kids, just a cat
At a bare minimum, I think you H is having an EA. You need to detach, 180, GAL and go dark. A M man should not be out every Friday night with another W. Period.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Do I confront about the EA? I don't really have proof and I can't control what he's going to do anyway. So not sure what it would change anything. I kind of want to go into his phone, but I'm not sure that would help me mentally at the moment.
Pretty sure snooping would not help me detach but I don't know what to do...
Me:34 H:36 M:6yrs, T:15 ILYBINILWY: Oct. 2016 No kids, just a cat
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Forget your phone when you are out with H. At some point say "oops, I forgot my phone let use yours to call ______" If he hesitates, says no, or fumbles around with it first (to delete stuff) then you have your answer. If he gives it freely it doesn't mean it's all OK (since he may delete stuff regularly) but it is a good sign.
I think snooping is OK to find out what your dealing with. After you know is when you will have to determine to continue.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
A man and a woman who are in a MR should not have private friendships with the opposite sex! If people would abide with that one principle, there would not be as many divorces. Do not buy into that old lie of "she's just a friend".
So, you are asking about maybe confronting him. Why? He is not going to stop what he's doing just b/c you confronted him about his involvement with his female friend. And, even if he admitted an affair, what are you prepared to do? I know you don't want to leave him, b/c I smell the fear in every word you write. I also smell your neediness/clinginess. The worst thing you can do right now, is put emotional pressure on him. He may be in a MLC, IDK. But he's already halfway out the door and if you try to wrap your arms around his legs while he drags you around......you will not convince him to stay with you. We will tell you some things you can do, but right now, I'll tell you a few not to do.
I am no expert on MLC, but I'm pretty sure any actions from you that even hint you are trying to control what he does.....is signing the death papers on the M. That is tough, when you are frighten that you'll lose your H. We can tell you how to approach this situation in a new way that will feel totally opposite from what your emotions are screaming at you to do.
Unless you are fully ready to give him his marching papers, do not threaten or give an ultimatum. It will backfire. Even if he should agree to do what you want.....he won't stick with it, if he's in a MLC.
1. Do not show any whining, complaining, clingy/needy behavior. 2. Do not allow him to see you crying. Do your crying in secret. Tears will not serve you well in front of him. 3. Do not ask him what he's done, where he has been, who he was with, what time, etc., because it puts emotional pressure on him. 4. Do not try to guilt him, accuse, or have relationship talks to make things work. These actions will do more damage than good. Do not try to entrap him to spend time with you. Do not smother him. 5. Do not give an ultimatum you won't back up. Threats won't work. 6. Do not share with him what we tell you, unless we specifically give you an example to say.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am usually on board with everything you say but, the comment about men and women not having "private friendships" is a bit shocking.
It's basically like saying the only way to keep a drunk from drinking is by keeping alcohol out of the fridge. If the desire is there, they will find a way. All men being attracted to all women (friend or not) and vice Versa is a bit crazy. It sounds a lot like the closed minded "straight" guys saying gay guys need to stay away from them because they assume all gay guys go after all guys.
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
