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2Tours #2720188 12/09/16 05:29 PM
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Hi 2tours,
I'll let the vets opine about your dating. I believe the general principal is no one should not, it clouds things, doesn't help situation, etc.

I've been thinking about it as well, in part because my IC brings it up, asks me things like, what kind of partner do you envision in the future?
That's hard to hear, but I see no harm in having the conversation about what to do if H never comes back. I mean, he seems gone...
So in my thinking, another LBS to talk to sounds really nice, as opposed to someone ready for more. But I am not going to do anything as of now in terms of dating. I think its interesting to hear what your therapist has to say about these things, as always.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Altair #2720233 12/10/16 04:10 AM
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Well you asked, so here goes:
Your BD on 10/1.
You are in a trial separation for 30 days.

Today is Dec. 10 ... So 71 days after BD you're going on a date.

Why?
What are your motives?
Why does it coincide with a weekend when you know your wife is off with OP?

Companionship for the concert is nice, but how far is this going? Are you planning on kissing this woman? Doing more than that? Are you planning on seeing her again?

I'm pretty hardcore about two things: 1. being super clear that one thing is finished before you start something else - finished as in, your heart is free to start something else- and 2. check your motives.

Some people here will disagree and some people will agree. Ever hear the saying, "Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone's got one"? So be clear you are not taking a survey here and sit with this yourself to figure out what's going on for you.

I think it's fine to go to a concert with someone platonically. I think it's premature to date someone. Are you really ready to move on in that way or are you reacting to your wife's GAL weekend activities?

Also, a gentle suggestion: you may want to stop people in their tracks when they start volunteering her whereabouts. If NC is to truly work, I think it means putting the focus for 30 days squarely on yourself. That's hard to do when you keep getting reports on your wife's activities.

I thought this 0 Dark 30 thing was to give her (and you by extension) some breathing room to figure things out. It doesn't mean you are single and available for a 30 day trial run, or does it?

It absolutely stinks and hurts that your wife is off with someone else this weekend. Don't make the same mistakes. Make your own mistakes. Better still - learn from her mistakes so you don't drag a fourth party into the mix.

Again, just my thoughts. xoxoxo
Wish Jack3Beans was here to offer some insight.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Bttrfly and Altair,

I really appreciate your input and I anticipated that this may be your response. I am not going on this date as a response to my WS and her trip with OM. I bought these tickets a couple of months ago and I want to go to the show. Taking this person, who is also a LBS is something that I really debated and asked for advice on from very close and well meaning friends and my therapist....and they all felt I should within the right framework.

So my thought here is that I am going on this date to enjoy the companionship, the show and I have no plans to take it to another level. I know the timetable of this has not been that long (I love it that you did the math 71 days smile ), but I am not looking for another relationship or to confuse my standing. I do think that this will allow me to get a look into what else could be out in this world for me. I am struggling to hold the rope...the damage that has been done to my love for WS after dealing with her depression and struggles for 20 years, has left me in a place where I need to discover what I really want and what taking her back would really mean.

I think as we all go through this, we all need to be able to prepare for either outcome (reconciliation or D) and if we don't honestly look at this, it will make the decision we make to either accept them back or move on even more difficult. These 30 days are a way for me to get some time to think about what I want and what my choice will be.

I understand what you mean by getting updates on WS and her activities...you know how much we all struggle to hear of something about them. I can tell you that I do take this all one day at a time and I am not planning anything beyond this date. I have been in great control of my actions, emotions and reactions to all of this, thoughout the 71 days since BD and I don't plan on losing that ability in any way.

I love you both and I really appreciate the fact that you took time to share your thoughts amidst your own challenges.

Take care xoxoxo


M52 W52
M17 T20
SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own
BD 10/01/16
Trial Sep 12/01/16
2Tours #2720261 12/10/16 07:56 AM
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Great. You are asking all of the right questions IMHO, and respecting the answers you are coming up with .... What more could one ask of oneself ? Enjoy your day and the concert xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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2tours,
as always you sound very thoughtful and aware. Have fun at the concert! I have been asked out thrice since BD, each time was certainly not what you are describing. The first guy was a lonely alcoholic, so no right there! I did love his date idea though: Drive to the beach and have brunch at a little cafe after a walk. The second was a younger possibly player type, possibly cougaring. I think he just wanted some s-e-x (hm, probably should have taken him up on that one). The third guy, again, single and came off as super-lonely, wanting a GF, something I am in no way capable of being. I certainly don't think any of these gentlemen were sad LBS's!


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Altair #2720287 12/10/16 10:26 AM
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Altair, I hear the questions runnnig through your head, I have the same things I have been debating. My therapist supports this as well she thinks it will help me sort out some things and help me understand where I am at in this process. She wants me to track my emotions while on this date, so that she can help me navigate what I am feeling (thinking about WS, etc.).

So I am prepared to go tonight with little expectation other than to have a nice time, share some companionship and enjoy my progress in this. I will tell you that after the emotional beating I've taken over the last couple of months, it's nice to be validated by someone else.

I will let you know how it goes tomorrow...feeling stronger everyday and more sure of my future success in life. That's alot of progress since BD 10/1/16 and I embrace the confidence that I am feeling.


M52 W52
M17 T20
SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own
BD 10/01/16
Trial Sep 12/01/16
2Tours #2720296 12/10/16 11:05 AM
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Hi 2tours. Sounds like you have a good plan. Being left in the dust is certainly a blow to the ego. It must be tough doing this and seeing if you think of WS, etc. You know that the A is statistically not going to work out, as it is built in escapism and fantasy-land thinking.
I think I was left for the potential to find a better girl-- unless she's in the picture now, who knows.
And yes, emotional beating is the apt phrase. I've taken multiple ones over the past eight months! Hopefully there's a corner to turn up ahead.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Altair #2720346 12/10/16 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted By: Altair
I certainly don't think any of these gentlemen were sad LBS's!
Sorry for the hi-jack.

Altair - I'm a sad LBS! Still waiting for your answer on if we'll meet up when you come up to Toronto, Canukistan in the summer wink Just ask for AndrewP when you cross the border - we all know each other here ....


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Well my date went very well. Really nice dinne with an excellent concert after and then a nice walk looking at Niagara Falls lit up beautifully. Very sweet person, who asked a lot of the right questions about me and my sitch....very respectful as she went through this as well. We enjoyed each others company a lot and it was really nice to experience this after the las few months.

I have to say that I didn't really think of WS unless my date asked me about my M and where things stood. I am not sure what that means, but I found myself very relaxed and just enjoying the moment.


M52 W52
M17 T20
SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own
BD 10/01/16
Trial Sep 12/01/16
2Tours #2720402 12/11/16 06:35 AM
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I'm glad the evening went well and your companion asked the right questions. Sometimes it's nice to go out and have fun and just relax. Just be careful because you are emotionally vulnerable right now and you do not want to lead this woman on if you are attempting to stand for your marriage i.e., if you continue to see her. I realize that you are "friends", but friendship can turn into something else in a blink of an eye.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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