Moved out, working on GAL

[fightin]

Starting a new thread since the original is now over 100.

Old one is located here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...939#Post2714939

[fightin]

Hawker, I think not texting helps me too. It sets zero expectations rather than me doing just as you said and trying to "mind read".

J2, I have to get over that fear, and I do believe that letting go will work. I think she really has to lose all of me, friendship and all before she can even begin to sort out how she feels. I know that Friday when I saw her she was very confused; I think even more so than the Sunday before when she asked for a S with intent of D when she can afford it. She seemed so sure that Sunday, and so cold, and then Friday she was such a mess. If she thinks she can still have the best of both worlds she'll never have reason to make any decisions.

[fightin]

Well today is day 1 of working from home. So far I'm not terribly motivated, but I have a lot to do so I better get in gear. Hope everyone has a fantastic Monday!

[doodler]

fightin,

I hope you have a productive day at home! Did your commute go well?

[fightin]

By commute do you mean move? I haven't had to commute to work yet, that won't be until Wednesday.

The move went pretty well, had it all in the truck within an hour. W and SS weren't there, but she was a mess the night before. I'm all settled her at my parents and have a lot of adulting to do before I can dig deep into the fun GAL activities. Working toward getting my rental property here rented back out as the current tenants are moving so I'm meeting someone tonight and another tomorrow afternoon.

If you get a chance I'd love to hear your thoughts on her behavior from the night before the move. Post starts with "Update on tonight:" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2716986&page=10

[doodler]

By commute do you mean move?

fightin,

No, I was being silly; I meant your commute to work. If you've seen the movie "What About Bob", Bob (Bill Murray) worked from home and had a daily routine prior to "going" to work. He'd say bye to his fish (among other things) and he had a punch-clock on his desk.

Anyway, I'm glad your move went well.

[fightin]

Ah, I see! ::Face Palm:: Sorry didn't pick up on that. I've only seen bits and pieces of that movie and it was ages ago so I don't remember much. Maybe that'll be on my to-do list.

[fightin]

So question following background:

Going to see my SS this week when my W has him and I'll have to keep it to an hour because I double booked myself with a friend. I wasn't originally going to see him on the nights she has him, but I miss him and do want to see him.

IF, and that's a big IF but I want to be prepared, she asks why I need to go so soon how do I handle that? Plan is to just say I have things I need to do, but what if she pries?

[cheesyt]

don't tell her what you're doing, if she pries, -a friend, -what friend? - you don't know them. change the subject, begin to leave. she doesn't get to know what you're doing since she Fired you from your W job. where are you seeing ss? -what worked for me was picking up SD and taking her to the park or to eat. anything away from W because who needs the pressure, is she watching, is she listening, just interferes with mine and D's relationship.

[fightin]

Okay thanks, just not sure how to walk the line between not being friend-zoned and not being rude.

The plan is to pick him up and go somewhere to eat. She seems to follow us around when I hang out with him, like she's feeling left out or something. The last time I was just enjoying some one-on-one with him she butted in and sat with him and just stared at me and cried so yeah, I'm good with her dealing with whatever her emotions are without my presence. It makes me angry and I want to say "Um you didn't want to be a family anymore so bug off!"

[hawker]

Hey...as Blu so nicely pointed out to me is that don't worry about being rude, they are cheating on you and left the R....it took me WAY to long to do what I am doing now....I was in the friend zone for many months and now my W has filed....be friendly but not friends...like Blu told me act like your W is the nerd at school that is wanting to get to know you better.

[fightin]

I remember reading that on your thread. Makes me chuckle a bit! I will keep that in mind. You're right, she's cheating on me, even though now that we're separated she doesn't see it as cheating on my anymore, so she doesn't deserve niceties from me. I don't want to be a jerk by any means, but if she pries I can feel okay about shutting her down even if she perceives that as rude.

I still seem to go back and forth between totally okay and a hot mess just wanting my W and best friend back. I know need to not think about it, but this is the first day my W will be able to have the OW at her house overnight. Weirds me out a little to know someone else will be sleeping where I used to just 3 nights ago. Makes me sad and angry to feel so easily replaced.

[hawker]

It was funny when Blu said that...I chuckled as well. You will have your ups and downs for awhile, it is all part of the process and it is ok!! Its totally normal...I cried more this year than I ever cried in my lifetime...and I am totally serious. Yes I had the same type of feelings (still do) that my W moved right in with someone after living here for 10 years. Just remember they are wayward and selfish right now....the old S you married is gone.

This is the time to focus on you!!! ;-) Stay strong, you have a good handle on what you are supposed to be doing and its early in your sitch...I wish I would have been stronger at first but it is what it is.....

[fightin]

Ugh, got a call this evening from my exes (previous ex) ex-H. Both the kids live with him now due to them not approving of her life choices so their dad is filing for a modification to the divorce decree. He wanted to give me a heads up in case the court wants to talk to me since I've been an active part of their lives for the last 7 years. Not exactly what I want to be dealing with right now.

In other news, I saw a movie with my folks tonight and then went to show the rental to a potential tenant. Hoping it goes through because it will be one less thing on my plate right now.

W texted this afternoon to let me know I received a letter from my nephew who is currently in boot camp with the Marines. I just said "Thanks, I'll pick it up Wed." and asked her if she got my hiking boots out of the travel trailer. She forgot. Hopefully she'll remember some day, those things are darn comfortable and expensive. Ha! I'd get them myself, but I no longer have access to anything.

[fightin]

Hawker, I think you're doing great now! I got super lucky (or divine intervention maybe?) that I found this site within 24 hours of BD.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, this forum and you amazing people have literally help save my life more than once. The support and inspiration here is like nothing I've ever experienced before.

[cheesyt]

In my humble opinion it doesn't matter If you think you're nice or being mean. I was kind and friendly when refusing to give answers to my W and she still said I was a jerk & mean. Honestly I think it has to do with you just not giving them the answer or information they're looking for, not the kindness or demeanor. They are going to see you as they do regardless of you how truly behave. Do you, It's about you now. That lesson took me some months. It's only about you now!

[fightin]

Thanks cheesy, I'll get it officially. I have to accept that it is okay to have ups and downs and not to despair when I'm down. I have a session with IC Wed so looking forward to that for at least some grounding. Also looking forward to seeing my SS; I sure miss his sweet face!

[fightin]

Um, I'll get it *eventually*. Sheesh!

[cheesyt]

hahaha to be honest I read your reply last night and clearly didn't notice. I just thought you meant like...officially one day you'll get it. officially does make some sense.

[fightin]

So I'm finally sleeping pretty normally, and I can eat without getting sick to my stomach. I'd count that as progress!

Still a little nervous about tomorrow since I'll see W for the first time since I moved out. Maybe if I pretend she's my previous X who mostly just annoys me that will help with treating her like she's the nerdy kid at school or a nosy neighbor. Maybe I won't need any skills because she won't try to chat me up at all. Who knows.

[doodler]

So I'm finally sleeping pretty normally, and I can eat without getting sick to my stomach. I'd count that as progress!

fightin,

That's huge progress! A good night's sleep can make a huge difference in your mood and attitude.

[fightin]

Yes, it has helped a lot since I've been able to sleep and eat.

[hawker]

Glad you are sleeping and eating again...it is important to keep yourself healthy!! I hope you have a good time with your SS tomorrow, I know you miss him!!

[fightin]

Thanks hawker, a little normalcy in this crazy ride has been welcome.

I will definitely enjoy my time with him.

[fightin]

Well tonight was rough. I picked up my SS and all he could talk about was mom's new work friend that was there this morning when is other stepmom dropped him off. She has 2 dogs, they are great, he got to feed them treats and snuggle with them. Well mom's new work friend is actually the OW. I'm making an assumption here, but I'd guess she didn't tell him she's mom's gf because she is very worried about him not liking her and wants him to get to know her first.

She invited me in and instead of saying "No thank you" I had a brain spasm or something and said "I'm not comfortable with that." to which she gave me a not very nice look. We barely spoke at all, I was anxious as heck and just wanted to get the heck away from her.

That said, my actual time with my SS was nice once. He loves video games and is super smart with them so he told me all about one of his games. It was nice to just see him happy and excited about something. He has such a soft heart!

Other than that I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

[Maybe]

Fighting,

I can really relate to your posts because I too say stupid things and then am overly worried about others reaction. But if I am not living in my head, I think it'S perfectly normal to say "I am having a strange moment" thing, as long as you don't overreact to other reaction. Chances are they forget about it after 5 secs, if you carry on as per usual. And yes, this is something I need to start doing too:)

You have a beautiful soft heart too, otherwise you wouldn't be hurting like you are now. I hope you find some sort of spiritual guidance because I believe the answers we are looking for lay within. I don't believe in gods, but lately I brought a deck of angel cards, and it's amazing helpful for me...

[fightin]

Thank you for your kind words Maybe. I too have a spiritual side and I'm leaning on my faith a lot throughout this time.

So I have a small motorcycle that W and I purchased so I could learn to ride, then I upgraded. The small one is in her name, but we agreed I'd receive the profit from its sale so the bike resides with her so she can sign off on the title when it sells. Today we were texting about it because someone wanted to see it.

She then sent me a song and said it reminded her of me and I should listen to it if I hadn't already. I have and I like the song a lot because it reminds me of myself too. It is about a girl that puts her worth in her physical appearance more than her inner beauty and character. A couple lines are "You should know you're beautiful just the way you are
And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart".

Anyway, I didn't respond to that at all and only responded to the stuff about the motorcycle, but it made me extremely angry that she thinks it is okay to send me thing like that. Hopefully she'll get the hint by my not acknowledging it.

[fightin]

Hey everyone. Wondering if I'm getting temp checked. First the song my W sent me, and then I got on Pinterest and she "liked" a pin I had that was on my "Love & Relationship" board that was about unusual dates. So is that temp checking or does she think I'd think it was just cool of her to go on there and steal date ideas for her and her gf?

Do I block her or just let her keep doing it so that my actions don't changed based on her actions?

[fightin]

Any advice on the above post?

Did anyone do any Black Friday shopping? I used to all the time, but the last few years I have steered clear. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I have to get a few things done today, and then planning on meeting some friends later to hang out.

[Rose888]

Honestly, I never pay attention to who likes my pins, so I would try to just ignore this. I don't think it's significant enough to try to figure out what she's thinking or to block her from doing it in the future.

I'm a Black Friday abstainer. We're having a quiet day at home.

[fightin]

Thanks Rose, I appreciate the advice. I don't normally pay attention to who likes them either, it just happened to be the very first thing I saw when I opened it. Between that and her texting me a song yesterday I didn't know if that was considered temp checking or not. Temp checking is a little bit of a mystery to me still.

I used to go every year, but I got burned out and I've been loving not going for the last few years. Way too crazy and rather pointless in my opinion.

Enjoy your quiet day at home.

[Maybe]

I think it's great that you hold back on responding. Let her do whatever she will do. You can only control your own actions. My understanding of detaching is not to be affected emotionally, not "stop contacting me don't you know I am trying to detach?!". I should point out that I am making the exact same mistake myself.

[fightin]

Thanks, Maybe. I just don't even have a desire to respond to things like the song, or even when we do text about finances and such she always elaborates and says things like how much she trusts me. I just ignore those too. All of my responses are strictly down to business, I'm giving her nothing aside from what is necessary. It doesn't change the fact that her doing things like that crawls all over me, but I'm not going to show that to her.

[fightin]

Not sure what triggered it, maybe feelings of rejection surfacing, but I'm extremely angry tonight. My mess have my married name on them that I was actually just in the process of getting changed at my W's request. She asked me to change it, and of course I was okay with that, but now looking at that name makes me so angry. I hate it, and unless I go ahead and file for divorce I can't change it back.

I don't know what to do with all of this anger. I feel like it is just boiling inside and going to explode in a not so pretty way. Maybe it is because I've been using anger to prevent feelings of sadness, I don't know, but I'm really beginning to not the angry version of myself either.

Going to do some breathing exercises and mindfulness.

[Maybe]

Join a yoga class... or smash some plates...

[hawker]

How are you doing fightin?

[fightin]

Hey Maybe, both those ideas sound great!

Hawker, I'm hanging in there. Most days I'm able to not think about it much and when I do think about my sitch or my W I can usually feel pretty detached from it. Obviously I have occasions where I get a bit angry about it all, but thankfully those moments pass.

W and I don't speak much at all, and when we do I keep it all business. She seems to enjoy throwing extra things in there though for some reason. Like Friday we had to discuss (via text) getting our joint account closed and she had to include how she wasn't worried about me having access to her money because she trust me completely. I thought to myself, well I don't trust you worth a dang, but of course I just ignored her comment and didn't acknowledge it. She also seems to be more "talkative" when she isn't with OW. I just also ignore those.

How are you doing Hawker?

[cheesyt]

Augh my w gets talkative when not around OW I hate it. We aren't around for THEIR enjoyment or cake eating! Geez! Hang in there! Strictly business is a good move!!!!

[j20a00g]

Join a yoga class... or smash some plates...

I saw on 20/20 or something like that some company that will set up a room full of glass, china, tvs, etc and for a fee you get to go in with a bat and sledge hammer and take out your frustration. Ended up that about 80% of the clientele are married women. Lol

[j20a00g]

Hey Maybe, both those ideas sound great!

Hawker, I'm hanging in there. Most days I'm able to not think about it much and when I do think about my sitch or my W I can usually feel pretty detached from it. Obviously I have occasions where I get a bit angry about it all, but thankfully those moments pass.

W and I don't speak much at all, and when we do I keep it all business. She seems to enjoy throwing extra things in there though for some reason. Like Friday we had to discuss (via text) getting our joint account closed and she had to include how she wasn't worried about me having access to her money because she trust me completely. I thought to myself, well I don't trust you worth a dang, but of course I just ignored her comment and didn't acknowledge it. She also seems to be more "talkative" when she isn't with OW. I just also ignore those.

How are you doing Hawker?

She's trying to keep you engaged. Shows she's picking up on your detachment. Well done fightin! Every post of yours has a different tone now. Well done!

[fightin]

Well her attempts to keep me engaged are very few and far between which has is pros and cons. Pro being I don't have to deal with the emotional roller coaster, con being it takes some hope away. Having any sort of hope is bittersweet as well, on the one hand I don't want hope to hold me back from being a better me, on the other hand I don't want to lose hope completely to the point I just don't care if she ever graces my presence again, but maybe that is exactly where I need to be.

All I know right now is I don't want to play by her rules anymore; I have my own rules and boundaries and I'm sticking to them. She wants a life without me, fine, she's got it, but I'm not going to let that keep me down no matter what she's off doing or not doing.

[fightin]

Oh and thank you j2 for dropping by and for the encouragement!

[j20a00g]

Well her attempts to keep me engaged are very few and far between which has is pros and cons. Pro being I don't have to deal with the emotional roller coaster, con being it takes some hope away. Having any sort of hope is bittersweet as well, on the one hand I don't want hope to hold me back from being a better me, on the other hand I don't want to lose hope completely to the point I just don't care if she ever graces my presence again, but maybe that is exactly where I need to be.

All I know right now is I don't want to play by her rules anymore; I have my own rules and boundaries and I'm sticking to them. She wants a life without me, fine, she's got it, but I'm not going to let that keep me down no matter what she's off doing or not doing.

Boom!!! Go back and read your first few posts when you joined the board...definitely an evolution

[Chris73]

Hi fightin. Just wanted to check in and see how things were going with you. You haven't posted in a couple days which basically moves your post down about 5 pages from the front

Sounds like you're staying strong. Good for you!

[bsb]

Glad you are able to get off the roller coaster ride!!

[fightin]

Hey Chris, I'm doing well! I had a break down last night, but that was the first time since the day after I moved. Took me by surprise, but I just rolled with it because I know I need to let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling. Still hurts like heck from time to time and of course I miss the woman I fell in love with, but overall I'm doing quite well! The physical seperation helps and we haven't communicated since Friday so that helps too.

Thanks for checking in!

Thanks, Bsb, me too. I might have my own ups and downs occasionally, but I certainly don't have to participate in any she might be having or anything she might send my way that could trigger me.

[Vanilla]

There will be days like this, there will be.

The old song, like my momma said.

Sweetheart as you get Rebalanced as your living reestablished then you will be safe to let go.

I advise to walk to the pain, it's a ton better than burying it. Really it is.

Hold your head up, this is nothing to do with you, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. The only thing you can do is you.

Your sitch has moved very quickly indeed, you may wish to read Dawn sitch (currently in Surviving) hers moved very quickly too. She is a model of dignity and grace. One of my heroines actually.

I can only say, feeling is good, even though those feelings are not the best ones of all.

Big hugs

V

[fightin]

Thanks V! I got caught up on Dawn's sitch, man it sure did move fast. Considering my W had the OW staying over 2 days after I moved out I expect to get D papers any day. She said it would be a while since she doesn't have the money, but I wouldn't be surprised if she gets in a hurry so she can get married ASAP. Surprisingly to myself, as much as I'm sure that would hurt a little, I'm okay with it too because the woman she's become is not someone I have any desire to be with.

Yesterday I saw my SS and it was a good visit. He wanted to go out to dinner so we did. He's an amazing, smart, sensitive, and extremely loving kid! I'm so thankful I still get to be in his life.

On the way he really wanted to get something off his chest, but it was about OW and he didn't want to hurt me. I told him I'd listen anyway because he was really upset. He said OW has started staying over while he's there and it is awkward for him. He said it makes him sad and angry because he misses me and is used to me being there and now there is someone he doesn't even know. His mom asked him if he was okay with it and he said yes. Of course he did, his mother is the type to just say "too bad" if he were to say no and he knows that. It really makes my heart hurt for him that he has had only about 2 weeks to process any of this and his mom has already thrown a new unknown into his world.

His dad, stepmom and I talked about it because I'm concerned for his emotional well being. I told them I was not going to confront my W about it because A) I have no legal standing, B) she will just see it as me being jealous and controlling. His dad confided in me that they've been tracking everything because they're worried about my SS too. Apparently my W has given up some of her time with my SS so she can spend more time with OW. She only has him 50% of the time as it is so it blows my mind that she's just putting him off for this new R. So unfair to him and so NOT okay in my book. He asked for none of this.

Also, yesterday, before I ever left work to head to therapy his dad text me saying that my W had started texting him about how she got SS's latest bill from the doctor (allergies) and she wanted to come by to pick up his dad's half of the bill. It was $30, so not a substantial amount, but she was insisting that she come by after work. She absolutely knew that I was going to be there so that seemed odd to me that she, as dad put it, was being so pushy about coming by.

He said the reason he text me was to see if I was okay with her coming by. I told him that's fine, she's not going to keep me from seeing my SS just because she needs to have her way. He later told me when I got there that he ended up telling her he'd put it in my SS's backpack and send it with him Friday. He said she didn't even respond after that with an "okay". I thought it was a bit odd to be sure, but not my circus, not my monkeys.

My dance card is full for this weekend so that is awesome! I have 2 showings for my rental house here tonight, then I'm going to get started on working on painting. I have a girls' night with some of the soccer moms on Friday night (my stepdaughter from my previous R played when she lived here). Saturday, more work on the rental, and probably Sunday too. I'm looking forward to getting the property all fixed up and rented out, that will be one less thing to worry about.

Hope everyone is doing well!

[fightin]

Oh, and a birthday party to go to on Saturday afternoon. Almost forgot about that one.

[fightin]

Just bumping this up. I Don't have much to report really.

Both potential tenants cancelled for yesterday. One because they already found a place, the other because she'd had a long day at work, but she rescheduled with me for early afternoon today so wish me luck. I'd love to get it rented and get that worry off my plate!

[Vanilla]

Good luck for later

V

[bsb]

Hope the home viewing goes well!

[fightin]

Well everyone cancelled again for the house showing. Looks like my sitch might get a little more complex so I'd like some input. So my ex that I own the rental house with is also going through a split and needs a place to live. We already own the house and if we're going to have to pay the mortgage while it sits empty we might as well move in.

We would just be roommates as I have zero romantic interest in my ex, but my W would lose her sh** if she found out I moved in with my ex and would never believe it was platonic, but for me it is just a means to an end. I get my own space (in comparison to living with my parents) in a cute, clean place and we could work on the house while we live there to get it ready to sell in the Spring so it makes financial sense, but I imagine living with an ex would be quite awkward. Thinking of getting a 3rd roommate too to make it even more economical. It is a 3 bed/ 2 bath.

What kind of damage could this do between my W and I and should I even care how my W would feel about it considering she asked me for a D?

[fightin]

Just when I was starting to feel safe from the crazy...

Got a text asking if I was coming to town this week because W has a ton of stuff for me that I apparently left in the closet. I asked her to send it with SS to his dad's. She stated I had several pair of jeans so I replied to either send them with SS or just throw them out. She then replies that she would never throw out anything of mine and she's so sorry that I hate her so much and she's just trying to make sure I get my belongings and how SS will be at her house this week.

I stated that I know he will be with her, but I'd like her to still send my stuff to his dad's. She asks why can't I just get it from her when I see SS and that she'll put it on the the porch so I don't have to see her. I then inform her that I'm not seeing SS this week and again asked her to send it with him to his dad's. She replies she didn't know I wasn't seeing and she will send it to his dad's and sorry for bothering me. I did not reply after that.

I really don't get it. I didn't say a word about hating her, and while I wasn't friendly I wasn't rude at all. She asked me for a D and is having an A, what on earth does she expect from me? It doesn't matter what see expects actually, but it crawls all over me that she seems to think I'm just supposed to be 100% cool with her about all of this as if we're just old friends.

Sigh. Just needed to get that out.

[Vanilla]

Fightin

Yes it's crazy.

You did well, repeating your needs about the closet items. Broken record is a great technique, and you executed it to perfection.

WW is button pressing, in her head she has her reasons. Peeps do.

Often they have this, I can be friends with the ex forever scenario. We can all be friends. Let's all be jolly. I think this applies. So not just old friends but new ones too. The waywards entitlement.

Both you and SS dad are grounded and love this lucky boy.

I am impressed by you and this interaction. Masterful.

V

[Vanilla]

Fightin

Yes it's crazy.

You did well, repeating your needs about the closet items. Broken record is a great technique, and you executed it to perfection.

WW is button pressing, in her head she has her reasons. Peeps do.

Often they have this, I can be friends with the ex forever scenario. We can all be friends. Let's all be jolly. I think this applies. So not just old friends but new ones too. The waywards entitlement.

Both you and SS dad are grounded and love this lucky boy.

I am impressed by you and this interaction. Masterful.

V

[fightin]

Thanks V! No more cake eating for her. I'm standing my ground and she doesn't have to like it. I'm over trying to appease her or even get her back at this point. I know that I have to give myself the space to heal and grow and that space doesn't include her.

[bsb]

Good for you man!! I don't understand any of this either. My W is doing the same thing but it's all business and she doesn't even say sorry. This could be a good thing with your wife? Or it might be her way of trying to make her feel better? Either way it doesn't matter.

I think you keep doing what your doing but get some input from others.

[fightin]

Thanks bsb. I don't know if it is good with her or not, really I don't care. Unless she is ready to stop the A and be my W then it doesn't matter how much she tries to reach out. I don't think she will ever be ready for that though so I'm just going keep working on myself. I think she is "apologizing" in a sarcastic manner because she somehow feels slighted by my lack of interest in being friends. Or maybe it does make her feel better, but I doubt it.

Yeah, I don't get iur W's acting the way they are. I guess we don't have to though as long as we are working on ourselves.

[cheesyt]

Ah man, they feel guilty. They're selfish. They only care how they feel, not how YOU feel. Your w trying to play friends is her way of feeling less guilty, like ohhh I can have an affair screw up her life and oh man she still wants to be friends, and come pick up her clothes and perhaps small talk with me, this is great!!! Ummm no. These waywards are under the impression the world and our world revolves around them and we will still do anything to keep them "happy" they seriously hate when we don't, & who cares! Cus our lives no longer revolve around them. Good job on your text responding and not telling her you don't hate her to ease her guilt. Let her think that, especially if you've never said "I hate you". They should feel like we hate them, idk why we don't but damn. They really push the envelope eh. Hang in there way to stand your ground and not give in!

[fightin]

Today seems to be one of those "I miss my W" days, but the odd thing about it is that it is very clear to me that I'm not really missing her, but just mourning the loss of the woman I once loved and the future I thought we had together. The more time that passes, the more I see the faults in our MR and in each other as individuals, and the more detached I feel from the whole thing. She's just become more like someone I used to know and someone I no longer like. If I look at a photo of her then her face seems unfamiliar and seeing a photo of us together doesn't cause me to shed even one tear.

Could I ever trust her again? Do I truly feel like we could ever be good together again or was that just some ideal I used to hold about us? None of these questions even matter as she shows no sign of ever wanting to reconcile, but I do ask myself these questions. Maybe I ask them to help me really look at it and see that I'm better off, or maybe because I have hope. I'm honestly not sure what I could possibly have any hope for at this point. Could I ever bring myself to put my heart in the hands of anyone again, especially hers? Right now the answer is a firm "no".

I realize I'm not completely detached as I do sometimes still break down and wish for hope, but I feel I'm getting there. I'm getting impatient for her to file for D because I just want it all over with and to never have to see even her name again, but I believe that is just the anger speaking.

[fightin]

Thanks cheesyt! They should feel guilty, I guess if they actually do then at least we know there is some semblance of a human soul in there. Selfish doesn't even begin to cover the scope of how cold and self-centered they can be; I feel like it needs its own new word. Ha!

Yes, our world no longer revolves around them and it drives them crazy as it should. Let them see that we can be better off without them. I'm sure they can't stand it. Thankfully I have been pretty good throughout at making sure I don't give her any ammo to blame me, sure I have my part in the deterioration of our M, but her affair and awful behavior toward me is something she will have to own all on her own. I'm not going to be hateful to her, but I'm not going to be her friend either. I have my moments where I kind of do hate her, but I don't say it to her.

Our spouses will have to see themselves and their actions for what they are without being able to point to us and say we've behaved poorly throughout this. You hang in their too, and so sorry to hear about your father.

[fightin]

Help please!

So W just text me to let me know she's emailing me a rough draft of the divorce papers. I still very much so don't want this. Do I just pretend that I do? Is it possible she's doing this so fast because she is convinced I hate her?

[fightin]

Okay, well I told her this was much faster than I expected, but that I'm sure she's anxious to get on with her new life and I wish her the best. She replied that it is inevitable so we might as well do it now.

How can she possibly be so sure in less than 2 months? I feel like this could be a huge setback for me if I let it.

[bsb]

I had a really rough day yesterday and last night too. I guess we are going to have these moments for a long time. I also ask myself almost all the same questions! Fear... like you said that is the key word for most of us.

I'm expecting to receive papers too since she is asking was asking about financial items. Do you not have to be served and a waiting period? I know here we have 30 days to respond after being officially served. You could say you need your attorney to look everything over and that might take some time??

Hang in there buddy!!

[bsb]

And I know how you feel!! Mine is two months exactly today

[AndrewP]

fightin - You don't have to operate on her timeline. I haven't read back in your situation but the word "help" caught my eye. Have you told her that this is what you want?

Take a deep breath, take your time and say that you aren't going to decide anything right away. If finances permit, also say that you aren't going to do anything without consulting with a lawyer. You can often get a free referral.

This is her bus - you don't have to get on. If it's what she wants she has to do all the work, you don't have to help, but again, make sure you know your rights and protect yourself.

[cheesyt]

yes, get a L and let her do the work!

Honestly fightin all WW's behave alike but they don't all feel the same. Your W could be 'sure' one moment and then not the next, it doesn't matter because she's not going to tell you, and if she does you most likely will not believe her. WW's act a lot on their feelings of the "moment". Your W will move it as fast or as slow as she wants I don't think stalling it will be beneficial, but IDK I'm not in that situation just yet.

MY advice is don't reply right away. to this or anything, think about it, sit on it, discuss with your support system and THEN get back. This is about you too. don't forget that!!!!! Even if it takes 24-48hrs to reply, it's OKAY! Never reply when you're emotional, pretty sure we've all done this (I have) but it seriously does NO good.

hang in there and hang on, this will be a bumpy ride. we are here for you

[fightin]

I went ahead and told her that this still isn't what I want, but that I if she chooses divorce then I respect her decision. She then replied with "You still want to wait?" After some back and forth it seems she started the process because she thinks I hate her. If I'm in anyway short with her or don't act super friendly via text then she says I'm hateful. Anyway, we landed on waiting until after the first of the year before she will file.

I will definitely have it looked over by a lawyer before I respond to it. I can't mind read so I shouldn't try, but the fact that she even asked "You still want to wait?" did give me a bit of hope that she may have reservations about it. However, she's still having an A so really it doesn't matter. I definitely let my emotions drive today after getting that text and made some mistakes. Back to square one I guess.

I've made it clear that if she wants a D she has to file and do all the work. Of course at some point I will have to look it over, but you're right, that can be after I've been served.

[fightin]

Oops!

[AndrewP]

I think you handled that quite well fightin - you took a chance and it didn't back-fire and won some breathing space.

Cadet writes this a lot - you have the gift of time. Time to work on YOURSELF. Time to figure out what YOU want. Time indeed for your W to possibly find that the grass on the other side of the fence only looks greener because it's made of weeds floating on the sewage lagoon.

[fightin]

Sorry you had a rough day, bsb. We all do I think, especially early on. Fear for sure, it is hard to let go, I mean I will if I have to, but I'm clearly not 100% ready to.

Yes, I will have some time before I reply, she just wants to send it to me first so I can make changes before she serves me, but really I can have my lawyer counter anything even after I'm served, I do believe. I will have to consult with a L and figure it all out. For now, at least until her mind changes again, I have a little bit more time.

Cheesyt, I think she's so off the wall right now, and you're right, I wouldn't believe her. I don't even believe her when she says she hopes I'm doing well. I've been doing so well with this though I hate that I just blahed my feelings today. Sigh. She said she when I'm short as she puts it (like insisting she take my things to her ex-H's house) that I'm "dang near hateful". I informed her that I'm hurt and I don't mean to be rude but I require boundaries for my own sake. She replied that she understands that, but while she didn't truly expect us to be "friends" she hoped WE would check in with each other from time to time. Why would I want to check in with her just for her to tell me how great her life is? Why would she want to check in with me? Is she hoping I'll be miserable and tell her that? Madness I tell you, pure madness.

Speaking of madness I'll post a separate post regarding my SS and the madness surrounding him. Things are in motion that might greatly delay her filing.

Andrew, thank you for all the advice and encouragement. Yes, I did get a bit more time today, at least until she changes her mind again, but I know in bones (just haven't convinced my heart) that I have all the time in the world regardless of when she files for D. I honestly am not sure why I'm resisting D other than fear. I'm not even sure if I still want her as my W, but since I'm not sure I hate to jump the gun so to speak.

[bsb]

Glad you are able to get some space and buy some time! That has to help some?
Mine gets worse everyday. No signs of regrets or change of heart

Stay strong and maybe it will work out!

[fightin]

I don't think it is going to work out; I keep finding out more and none of it says "this will work out". Last night I found out that when we told my SS about our split and she took him outside to talk to him away from me she told him this is something she regrets not doing long ago. Well I thought she meant leaving me, but apparently she meant being with the OW so I guess it has been going on much longer than I was told.

Also, when we text the other she still said she is going to file, just after Christmas when money isn't as tight. Well, she's about to get hit with a custody case that she probably won't win. She's violated their divorce decree by having the OW around her S and now she's even being openly affectionate with OW right in front of him. While that will make things even tighter and could buy me even more time, it also could leave me holding the bag for all the debt we have that she agreed to take in the D. So if I don't go ahead and file and get her to agree on paper to take the debt and we don't get D for a while then she could default on it and I'd be held responsible. So now I'm considering speeding up the process to protect myself financially.

Besides that, the more I learn about how she's treated other people the less I like her, and the more I think back on our time together the more I think this might be a blessing in disguise. I still wake up wondering how this became my life, and I still miss the woman I loved, but day by day I take a look at what I'll be missing out on and what I'm gaining by D and the positives outweigh the negatives. Maybe I was more in love with the ideal I set for us than I was in love with the person she is.

Glad you are able to get some space and buy some time! That has to help some?
Mine gets worse everyday. No signs of regrets or change of heart

Stay strong and maybe it will work out!

I'm sorry that yours just gets worse. I think it gets worse before it gets better not that that helps us feel better in the moment of despair. Same to you, bsb, stay strong and remember that no matter how our stories end, it WILL all work out. Maybe not like we had hoped for, but we will better for it in the end no matter what!

Also, keep in mind that our spouses could (and do often) change their minds at any time. While my W has rewritten our history together, and said all sorts of things about how we never should have been together and how if we get a D there is never any going back, we also had talks where she then said even if we do get a D that doesn't mean that months or years from now our paths might cross and we might fall in love all over again.

I don't believe that she knows what she really wants. I think she's just operating in the now and her fun and happy feelings she's experiencing with OW and that's all she can see right now especially since she seems either oblivious to how my her S is hurting. If this R with OW were to ever end she might suddenly be hit with new feelings of regret, but she also might not, I can't mind read and I can't know the future.

Again, even if she said tomorrow she wanted me back I'm not sure I want to go back. She has cheated (at least EAs) in every MR, and I'm her 3rd MR. I think she has a lot of growing up to do before she can be a good partner. Maybe this OW will be the one for her and she will grow up, but if not and she came back why would I want someone that can't function in a MR? This was my 2nd MR, but I had a LTR before her that was basically a MR. That R and this one ended because of an OW entered the picture.

The difference between us is that I finally learned that love is more often a choice and set of actions than it is about good feelings and I was 100% to this MR. I hope someday she learns that too even if we're never together again. I want her to not only be happy, but I know that if she doesn't learn this she will continue to leave a trail of deeply hurt people. She's always the one to leave, she's never been left. Until she figures this out I believe she will never have peace in a R and will always feel restless, but soon that will no longer be anything for me to worry about.

[Vanilla]

Fightin

Terrific insights and introspection.

I found it was a roller coaster for me, until eventually a spell break.

You have L advice?

My notes don't say whether you do or not. If not recommend you do, interview a few L.

V

[fightin]

Thanks V.

I'm looking into L's as of last night and going to set up some meetings. My D will take place in a county 2 hours away so not sure if I need to find a L there or not.

I really wanted to make her be the one to file, but again, I have to make sure I protect myself.

[hawker]

Fightin,

I am glad you are looking out for yourself. My W felt so guilty she just took her clothes and personal belongings so we didn't have to divide anything but glad you are preparing.

Yes, I have read many articles, message boards, etc about why people have affairs....they are not happy with themselves and they "love" how this new person makes them feel. Its all about getting and not giving. It seems like your W wants to feel that all the time and once the limerance stage is over she needs to go find he next fix....

I agree that love is a choice and its about giving in a healthy way and helping each other grow and be the best person one can be.

Maybe she will "wake up" when the custody case happens, or maybe not....who know really. Glad you realize you just need to take care of you.

You are doing great!

[fightin]

Hey Hawker,
Thanks for stopping by!

Yes, I have read many articles, message boards, etc about why people have affairs....they are not happy with themselves and they "love" how this new person makes them feel. Its all about getting and not giving. It seems like your W wants to feel that all the time and once the limerance stage is over she needs to go find he next fix....

This seems to describe her pattern to a T.

I agree that love is a choice and its about giving in a healthy way and helping each other grow and be the best person one can be.

I always thought we excelled at this, even my parents, friends, and some of her family said the same, they thought we were great for each other and helped one another grow. I guess if someone is fundamentally unstable in Rs though then even that being a difference in a new R wouldn't be enough to make them see their own issues.

Maybe she will "wake up" when the custody case happens, or maybe not....who know really. Glad you realize you just need to take care of you.

We verbally agreed on what she'd take which is most of the debt (also due to her guilt), but I'm worried the custody case could change that, so yeah, I'm definitely looking out for number 1 here because I can't count on her to stick to her word. Her word kind of is meaningless right now. Part of me wishes the custody case would be a wake up call, but honestly, I don't like this person she is right now and I definitely don't want that person in my life. I seriously doubt it will be a wake up call though. More likely she will blow up at everyone involved and then end up washing her hands of everyone, even her S for a while. I sure hope for his sake she doesn't react that way, but I think it is likely. She is a hot-head and tends to think she's never at fault for anything.

Also, she's most likely going to ask if I knew about it. I won't lie to her, but when she gets mad I didn't tell her about it I will remind her that she asked me for a D so it is no longer my place to be in the middle. Yes, I'm taking care of myself and it actually feels really good!

Thanks!

[hawker]

You are right, her words are meaningless right now and correct that it isn't your place to tell her anymore!! :-). Do you have any idea when she will find out about it? Has he started the process?

You are doing great!!! Hope you have great weekend!

[fightin]

I believe his L will file next week so she should get served before Christmas.

Thanks and you too!

[fightin]

Well I have an appointment with a L this afternoon for a consult. Hope I can get a few questions answered and find out just how much this is going to cost me. Better to proactive than to end up dead broke forever!

[bsb]

I think that is smart! One of my best friends is an attorney and I have asked him a few questions. Nothing wrong with trying to protect yourself!!

How you holding up today??

[Vanilla]

How did L go?

Update please.

V

[fightin]

Hy everyone, I've had a very busy weekend so just now taking the time to update my thread.

Spoke to a lawyer, definitely have to sign off on her house and she will have to sign off on mine. Lawyers are expensive not like we don't all know that already, but still. I do think it is in my best interest to go ahead and file though so I can make sure I'm protected financially before she gets hit with the custody suit.
This has all moved so quickly it is a bit overwhelming and mind boggling, but it is what it is.

I had a good time at my company's holiday party and I won a centerpiece to take home. I didn't have a great time at my friend's party, I did a lot of staring off into space while others talked, but it was good to see my 2 friends that were there.

Yesterday I went and spent some time with my SS for a while. We played Legos and watched a movie. His dad is weirding me out a little. He keeps making comments like wanting to adopt me, and asking if I'm moving in and invited himself and SS to come visit me here (2 hours from them), but didn't mention his wife. Then yesterday he was sad I was leaving after 3 hours and said he didn't want me to leave. His wife left for work after I'd been there for about an hour. I didn't know she'd be gone. He hasn't been physically inappropriate, but I'm just trying to keep my distance and make sure I'm not doing anything that would give him the wrong idea. It is totally weirding me out though.

Today I took my parents to the airport as they flew to Cali to watch my eldest nephew become a Marine! Then I went and rode my motorcycle in a toy run. That was a lot of fun. Now I'm about to resume painting at my rental property. I definitely was not lacking in the GAL activities this weekend.

I hope everyone else is doing well!

[fightin]

Well, I'll be filing this week. I have mixed feelings of course, but mostly relief. I'm just ready for some closure. It's only been 5 weeks, but my W is insistent that D is inevitable, and since I need to make sure I'm protected financially I might as well get it over with. She agreed to pay 1/2 so I'm thankful for that and also thankful that I'll be D before the new year so 2017 can be a clean slate for me.

I've been doing a lot of reading on limerence and I find that this fits my W perfectly. I worry that after I file, and she then gets hit with the custody suit, and then hits financial hardship due to taking so much of the debt and now having to pay child support that her world might spin out in a bad way. As much as I want this all to be over with I don't want her to get hurt. I know that isn't for me to worry about any longer though.

I also have feelings of failure. I hate that I failed at this relationship too. I hate that I just keep failing. I know that I've learned a lot about myself and what I want and need in a partner for the future, and I still have a lot more to learn about both, but I still can't help but feel like a failure.

[ngs]

A person is not a failure, hence you are not a failure...some quotes below, I always find inspiration in words

"Failure is an event never a person"

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again this time more intelligently"

"Failure defeats losers but it inspires winners"

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling"

"I am learning to trust the journey even when I don't understand it"

"Every failed relationship is an opportunity for self growth and learning. So be thankful and move on"

I know that I've learned a lot about myself and what I want and need in a partner for the future, and I still have a lot more to learn about both

I see your own words in these quotes. The hurt will take time to go away, but you can move on to something better.

[bsb]

Sorry that things are moving so fast. You seem to be taking it well though. Who knows what are spouses are thinking. I agree it might hit them but they may also never care.

ngs, thank you for those quotes!! I'm struggling with telling myself I'm not a failure. Looks like I will be twice divorced at 36. It's hard to think that a good woman will give me a chance

[fightin]

Ngs,

Yes, thank you for the quotes. I do realize that I am not a failure, but that failure is an opportunity, I just let my emotions get the better of me sometimes. That is one of my 180s, not beating myself up, but instead learning from situations and creating better outcomes in the future.

Bsb, yeah, it will be less than 2 months from BD to D, but yeah, I'll be alright. I can't control her, and I am done hoping she will come back. Either she will or she won't and if she does then who knows if I'll still be in a place to care.

Bsb, this makes my 2nd D by 35, and it makes my W's 3rd D by 32. Trust me, there are women out there that will understand, and hopefully, like you, they will be more cautious as well and will know who they are and what they want so you can both grow something wonderful and lasting together.

[hawker]

Fightin...

When this first happened to me I felt like a failure as well like what is wrong with me...it passes eventually...it is not us, we are working on ourselves and making ourselves better...I know its hard but we will get through this.

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself which is good. Sorry that this is moving so quickly..I guess quick or long it is still a difficult situation to deal with so hang in there!!

[Vanilla]

There is a phase where the LBS after being discarded thinks they are a failure.

And failure is a thought or belief not a feeling. That's great news as it can be changed, and the only failure the LBS has is to cease to take care of self.

It is my firm opinion that the LBS is always the winner if they work their sitch. I say that as I am aware that waywards are incapable of having a great personal state until they address their issues.

The key thing fightin is what is it that caused you to make the choices you did with WW? Is this from your childhood? Are there things to address than once addressed will be a big leap forward?

This piece of work will take you to a place beyond.

I Internet guarantee it.

V

[fightin]

Thanks Hawker. You're right, we are the ones doing the work and while I do have things to work on I am not responsible for my WW's decision to step out on our M.

V, I'm in IC and working on my issues, most of which go back to childhood, specifically a trauma and also my interactions with my father so I'm definitely doing the work there and I know I'll be the better for it and I'm looking forward to it. Thanks for the support.

[fightin]

Anyone have any insight to the way my SS's dad is acting and how I should handle it? Am I being paranoid?

[raev]

Hey, fightin. Little confused reading back through things. So, SS's dad is being weird how, exactly? And I'm lost - SS wants you to adopt him or SS's dad??? O_o

[Maybe]

Hi fightin,

You are doing so so well! I am very surprised and very glad! It's both good and bad that the big D is moving forward so fast. But we just need to focus on the good and build on it. In Australia, you can't filed for D unless you have been separated for 12 months. When you are going through emotional ups and downs, not making any decisions is best, but it does put me in agony, especially with him coming over playing with S seemingly happy, and asking me how is my wellbeing and how he still care about me. Apparently that is just temp checking and attempting to cake eat...?! I don't know anymore. You are in a better place now as you are moving on.

As for your ss's dad, he obviously has his own problems. I guess act "as if" can also apply in this situation. Don't react to his strange comments. Be friendly but not invest in the conversations. He will stop when he's not getting the reaction he's hoping. Hope that helps:)

[fightin]

Rave, SS's dad said he wanted to adopt me. He also asked if he and my SS could come visit me, but didn't mention his wife coming along and then over the weekend my the dad is the one that said he didn't want me to leave. Hope that clarifies.

[fightin]

Raev* sorry my autocorrect changed your name and I didn't catch it.

[doodler]

...sorry my autocorrect changed your name and I didn't catch it.

I use the very same excuse when I message my xW. She's beginning to get suspicious.

[bsb]

Thank you for the words of encouragement!!

Glad you are still doingok with this moving so fast. A lot of us wouldn't be so strong. Keep us updated

[fightin]

Ha, Doodler! That made me giggle, thanks for that!

Thank you as well, bsb, for your encouragement. It isn't easy, but I feel it is best for me to go ahead and move forward. It doesn't have to mean that I have given up on her/us completely, but it will protect me financially for now, and it will help me take steps towards moving on.

[fightin]

Hi Rose,

Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I can't imagine having to wait 12 months for that, but I guess you'd just do it and move on best you can being separated. It amuses me how "conservative" and "family values" the US claims to be and yet I can get a divorce in 10 days just because I want to. So strange to me.

I'm so sorry you have to go through the agony, I imagine that would be difficult with seeing him all the time. Yes, he is just temp checking. Just like my STBXW "hoping we could still check in with each other", she just wants to be able to temp check me whenever she gets the urge. Plus, I think she hopes that my doing well without her will help her feel better about her cheating on me.

I hope you too can get to a place of moving on. Very difficult I know when you have your H there around you.

Thank you for the advice, I think that is good advice and I appreciate it.

Try to stay strong and keep your head up! You deserve to be happy no matter what!

[fightin]

Well the petition is officially filed. I have therapy this afternoon and then dinner with a friend. Kind of wishing I had therapy tomorrow instead since tomorrow I'll be sitting down at the attorney's office with my STBXW to have her go over the papers and sign them. She's finally bringing my stuff she said she had been wanting to give me but would never take to SS's dad's house. Either it was too inconvenient for her to drive the 5 minutes to his house or she was waiting until she knew she'd actually see me. Who knows. I'm just so ready for it to be over now that I've made the decision so file.

[hawker]

Hey fightin....I hope things go well for you today...give us an update later!! Hang in there!!

[fightin]

Thanks, hawker! I'll update later for sure.

Started a new thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2721173&#Post2721173