Cherry. Just trying to get on with life

[CT1118]

Thanks CT! That's really nice of you to say. It's encouraging that people think I'm doing good, despite my m being none existent! I thing what gets to me at times that I've failed at saving my m. I am the kind of person who is determined to put my all into something, work hard and succeed. So to attempt to db and my m still fail sometimes gets to me. I'm becoming to get more peace and acceptance in this. My goal has shifted to now being the best mum I can be!

We are more than the sum of our parts. That is something I certainly learned here. And we are more than our M's. So you did not fail at your M (if it indeed is done and has failed, which not quite). But even if it falls apart - you succeeded at being you. I did too. My IC told me once, I was speaking to her about how I could have chosen to walk away, to meet new people, to date, but I was choosing me instead.She responded by saying "So you decided to be married to you?" I looked at her for a moment and finally said "Yes. Yes, I think that's it. That's exactly it." So Cherry, if you are married to you, you can DB that, and you have. By going thru DB we all chose not to let our most important relationship fail - the one with ourselves.

I am glad you had a great time with your friend last night. The R your WH is missing out on with his child is indeed a burden he will come to feel one day. That is his problem, and I know nothing about you which makes me doubt the futre version of Cherry knowing how/when/what to say to both children about how to carry themselves with or without dad. I am sure present Cherry trusts future Cherry as well. Hey! Tomorrow is Monday right - start of a brand new week . See you in the future when we get there.

[PsySara]

Fail?! You think you're failing? Heck no! You are being awesome at DBing, remember the results take time. This is a marathon not a sprint so it will take time to see results. One thing I was not aware of until watching the last resort technique videos, GAL is so we can have respite during the marathon. Self care is so important during this, it's like those drinks they have on the side of the road so the runners can stay in the race.

Just keep going.

[J5K]

Cherry,

I hope you enjoyed your night out! GAL is key to healing. As we do more GAL we find ourselves again, some of who we were in the past and as you stated, a modified us due to new responsibilities. You are doing well! There is no failure, just change and you have adapted well!

(((Cherry)))

[Cherry]

Thank you guys for the constant support. I think you're all so right, GAL really is the key to healing. It's become less of a conscious effort these days too, in the start it kinda felt like "ok let me drag myself out and do this". Whereas now, I just seem to fill up my diary of things to do without a thought, this is more of the old me.

CT, you are so right. I have chosen to be married to me right now. I'm doing more things for myself, looking after me. I guess the easy way is to put the final nail in and say I'm done and move on to finding someone else. But in truth, I really don't want that. Maybe I'm at the next stage of mourning a r but I find myself in confusion that while I know deep down I love my h, I am also extremely hurt and angry at the way me and our family, our innocent children have been treated and I don't know if I could go back there. I'm trying not to dwell on that, as that could well be something that never even happens. But I now see that I have moved to a place where I think "you know, you have really treated me like $h!t and that's not okay, I'm worth more than that". And this has took me a very very long time to arrive there.

[JksD]

Cherry, you definitely deserve to be treated well.

You are mature and resilient for your age. And you're sassy and gorgeous to boot.

Having said that, I think the key to detachment is to separate the man from the actions. Condemn the actions but not the man.

That way, if and when your H finishes his wayward journey and finds his way back to you, it will probably be easier to forgive him.

[Surfer]

Cherry.

You have succeeded not failed! You have protected yourself and you child(ren) when your H's actions might have sent some into a spiral that would have wrecked all of your lives.

I told my Mum today that I am happy now. I am. I miss my old W but I am happy. I don't miss the WW - at all. I really do feel like the luckiest man alive at times. Enjoy my work, my kids, my GAL - no pressure from anyone. I AM happy. I wasn't. I remember looking back such terrible, terrible pain. I have not forgotten it, but I can't feel it any more. As I can't feel it, I can't project it onto my W. I just despise her actions. I don't despise her. I love her, but I don't feel for her the same way. She is lucky to have my company now. Not the other way round. I don't crave it the same. My feelings are changing and your sill in time, they already are. So, have you failed. No. Definitely not. His choices, his actions, you could never have performed those actions they were his. If you can't perform these actions you almost certainly can't stop the WS performance. No you just have to make sure you observe the performance and not join in the performance. To stand on and observe with dignity and take the correct approach. You did exactly that, still are, and will continue to.

Being married to you - there is TED talk on this. A lady. Worth a watch if you can find it.

He'll come back to you. They always do. But you don't want to go back "there". So if I were you, I'd take this space and use it happily. As if he did come back, there will be one hell of a change. Enjoy this space.

Well done - keep going.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Grl, I'm not too sure how I'd do that. But I'd like to find a way, maybe this should be something I bring up with my ic. I don't want to hold anger or harbour resentment, but I feel like I'm starting too. I'm angry with him for never seeing or asking about S, it's really difficult not to. Every time S asks about him, that anger boils up that he must be so confused and wh doesn't seem to care.

Thanks surfer for that, you're spot on really with the feelings. Maybe that is how I'm feeling, I feel the anger towards him but yet I know I do still love him. But for sure he isn't the man he was, and he is no longer my h.

I've seen that TED talk, it makes more sense to me now than it did early on in the sitch, I think I'm naturally going down that route. Though it really did take me time to get there. I really don't think he would ever find his way back, we literally have no contact at all anymore. It feels as if he wants to forget that part of his life ever happened.

[Surfer]

He won't stay gone forever. Enjoy the calm. Recognise his poor choices and dislike them. But remember he is depressed and sad and in a fog. He has no idea what he is doing. He is struggling, a lot more than you are.

Keep going. Try to keep a compassionate view. I know it's hard at times. It this probably shows attachment.

You are doing great.

Surfer.

[T384]

Cherry,

You really don't want him around in the state he is in right now. I know it is hard especially for S but right now you just have to be the parents he needs. Accept that you cannot change H or will him into being a dad he will come around on his own terms. Not that it is fair in anyway but it is another thing you must let go. He will get through his fog and be a dad one day.

I've been through all these stages you're going through. I can't imagine how hard it is on you with expecting a new baby so please understand I am not trying to diminish that. However, it is in your best interest to not dwell on what he's not doing for S. It won't change a thing besides upset or anger you. This is what he's chose to do don't make it worse on yourself by beating yourself up over it. Let him be the man child.

[Cherry]

Thanks T, it feels like it's a new phase to the mourning process. I'm mean initially I felt the hurt for my m and grieved for the loss of the r. Now I'm coming to terms with that, and starting to get on with my life. And I'm realising it's not just me, but he's hurting an innocent child. Some days go by and S doesn't ask, but then others he is upset at night and asking for him. I try my absolute upmost to make sure I am both parents for him. He's surrounded by love from me and my family and mil.