Cherry. Just trying to get on with life

[Cherry]

Here's the link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2711843#Post2711843

To anyone new joining, it's all very much the same script, same book, different characters. A wh, the ilybinilwy speech, dipped in and out of this saga for 2 years, one confirmed pa, one ea he still denies. He would occasionally apologise and tell me he loves me. While we were doing okay, we accidentally fell pregnant, pretty soon after this, he announced he was moving out and filing for divorce (despite having told me a few weeks before that he loved me and didn't ever want to loose me).

There's not much new to add really, I have been trying to get along with my life. Rarely seeing/hearing from him, nor does he make the effort to see our S. Today while working, he called round to see MIL, and decided it was her turn for some of his spew. He ranted at her saying he doesn't speak to her as she chose me over him. And he almost slipped up and confirmed the ow to her, stating "she wasn't just a friend, she was.." and then he realised and stopped in his track. When she pulled him up on that, he snapped at her saying was she just going to say "I told you so". I obviously got a bit annoyed and hurt when MIL told me. I know it's nothing I didn't already know. But I'm tired and emotional, I think anything could have potentially pushed me over today, it's just been one of those hectic days really.

Other than that, life is just ticking along really. I can't really go any darker on him than I already have as I don't reach out to him. So I shall remain dim!

[JksD]

(((Cherry)))

I am sorry that ow is still in the picture. I understand your hurt.

Keep on keeping on. Your H has no idea what he's losing.

[Cherry]

I not sure wether she is,he was speaking in past tense. It's not like I'm overthinking if he is. I think I'm just having one of those days, been a really tiring day at work, finding it harder and harder to do these long days!

Maybe this is the next stage of the lbs, where you just don't even know what it is what I want. I don't want him like this, but I am still grieving at what was. Plus there's anger in me because s frequently asks where his dad is, so it just hurts to see him confused.

[PsySara]

I really struggled when WH was staying away three weeks out of 4, the kids would miss him and then when they would grow "used" to his absence he would return and it would begin again. Now that he is home I find myself struggling mightily with detachment. But it is comforting to see the kids snuggle up to him and fall asleep.

Was your WH ever involved in your S life? I am trying to get an idea if your WH was a good dad who lost his way or a detached father from the beginning?

[Cherry]

Oh no, he was always a great dad, until he went wayward. He would play with him, take him out. Spend his days off with him, then as he started to become wayward he wasn't around much. When he sees him, it is as though he's missed him, but children need much more than an hour, once a week if they are lucky! But yes, I could never fault him on being a great dad. Children of his own was what he always wanted. When pregnant with S, he wanted to be involved in everything, antenatal appointments, sonograms, he'd read up on the development of the baby, constantly want to look after me because "I was carrying his child", speak to the bump so baby would know his voice. And then when he came along, he didn't want anyone to hold S except me and him, he was so protective, he'd be up in the night rocking him back to sleep.

I think that's what makes things harder, knowing he just isn't involved, S obviously doesn't understand why he no longer has the dad he did, and I've the odd reminder that he isn't bothered in the slightest about this baby.

[RBG80]

Hey Cherry, what a sad sitch. As a father myself I am very lucky in the access I have with my S (50/50) - the thought of him is what drags me through the darkest of times.

If your H can't see what he has / had, (w/respect) I'd say you're better off w/out him. HIS loss not yours!!!!

Chin up

[Coly23]

I'm so tired of all of this Cherry and I'm not pregnant so I can't imagine what's it's like for you!

Your H needs to find his place again because at the moment he is like a floating satellite in your family coming into range every now and then. Hopefully it will settle down soon and you will have a routine in place for him to see S.

Sending you hugs (((Cherry)))

[Cherry]

Thanks RB, I agree - if I couldn't see my S every day I don't know what kind of state I would be in! What gets to me the most is wipinh my child's tears in the night when he cries in his sleep, or wakes crying asking where his dad is. Whenever I've tried to tell wh about this, he just gets angry and says "stop trying to guilt trip him". Now, the fewer words or communication I have with him the better. I hate having to reach out and ask him something just for him to ignore me!

Coly, I'm not really sure it will ever settle. He is ridiculously unreliable!! This is the same man that a couple days said he would be there for me whatever I need in the pregnancy. He even told me to call him if I had a craving in the middle of the night ( I was angry and told him if that happened I would sort it myself), he also said he would see S everyday. "Believe nothing they say...."

Today has been a rather busy day, work and then booked an early afternoon finish- I went and got a facial. I felt I deserved a treat.

[RBG80]

Cherry one day your children will thank you for being so strong. They'll see the woman that you are and be proud of what you did for them. Mother's are angels and you'll always be their queen.

Their father is obviously feeling very guilty and looking to bury his head in the sand.

Stay strong and accept support from those who love you.

You're doing a fantastic job, always remember that!!!

[Cherry]

Thanks RB, I feel I'm getting there- if anything I feel, it's probably more anger and frustration. But I am getting on with things, it's just his occasional comments he makes to his mom about how she chose me over him, like a spoilt child he is clearly resentful towards me. His issues and his spew, this week- this is his reason, who knows what next week will be.

I am getting on okay though, I've been getting some renovations done, redecorating. I've accidentally refurnished my entire room. It now feels like my space rather than the MBR. I'm getting on good at work, and starting to train people who will cover me on my maternity. I've also started getting a lot more things ready for the baby. I feel I am in control of a lot. The majority of the time, my S is a happy boy. I do my best I can, I work a 10 hour shift and get home and bath him, tuck him up and read him his story. On days off we often go out and do fun things together. I've been determined to take back control where possible.

I truly hope my children will grow up to learn this was never what I wanted, but I busted a gut to work to provide a decent living and when not in work, I was there for them. Being a single parent was never in my plans, but it is what it is, so I have to put them first and do the best I can.