English is not my first language, and I didn't even know what a rotary phone is, thanks for teaching me something new Mr HaWho. And Bttrfly thank you for that link
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Same old crazy over here. H is talking a lot lately and is trying his hardest to pick fights with me.
He's back to doing that rude thing where he starts a conversation and categorically excludes me. So he'll say: "s11, today in the news I read x" even though I am standing right there, too. And then he discusses it like I don't exist.
Hot weirdo MLC topic of the week? There is evidence the planet can only be sustained for the next 1000 years. H would like to be cryogenically frozen while scientists search for other habitable planets. And then unfrozen in 1000 years. (Secretly, I am hoping he'll get a jump on the whole self-freezing process now.)
He is jittery and jumpy, too. His mind seems to be racing. He mentioned he just "has to get out of this house." Seems he still thinks he can outrun himself.
The worst thing is he is back to trying to start fights. This really reminds me of pre-BD. And of when my family was coming. At s's game, he came right up and sat next to me, cracking a joke. I said something funny back but from there it wasn't normal again.
We started talking about s13 and whether he should do x activity. We were in a loud sports arena and the acoustics are horrible. No one was around us. I say that I think s13 should do the activity and say a bit about why. H gets this wrinkled up face and in a hushed tone says "can we discuss this in private?" I look around totally confused. I tell him there is no one around us?!? (Even if there were we're talking about an after school activity in a loud arena, we're not plotting how we're going to abduct the kids off the bleachers.)
H says my face is all red and we need to stop talking?!? I ask how that's possible when 1 minute ago we were joking and laughing. He says let's talk in private.
This reminds me of when he shushed me!!!
So I say "well, it's never convenient for you." And I know I bristle. It just feels like he has to pick a fight or control this stupid conversation. He says "we can talk anytime in private" and he says I have an attitude. I probably did make a face because the whole thing was so bizarre.
He puts in his headphones. Then he gets up and goes elsewhere. His panties are all in a bundle. He steers clear of me for the whole game.
I enjoy the game. And here's a big difference: I mull it all over for 30 seconds flat and I know it was not a private conversation and I know I wasn't beet red. He's just trying to start stuff. Either he is about to do something he's going to feel guilty about or he's starting stuff because he's nervous about seeing family. Maybe both.
I do think he wants to find a reason to get angry at me so the can tell me not to go to his friend's house when we go back east. I think he's nervous about it.
The old me would have reacted and played right into this. I would have tried to reason with him. Then I would've lost patience and by the end, it would have have looked like it was all me, which is what he wants. I would have gone up, apologized, made peace, etc. Now? I see it exactly for what it is. It's snit time. I ignore it all and let him work through it himself.
At the end of the game, I compliment s. H does, too. And then h offers to buy s something. And he offers me something, too. That is new. Usually, he'd be in his snit a lot longer. He evens asks me a question rather than doing his PA ignoring routine.
We get home and I just leave the house for a bit. I think for the next month he is going to be picking fights just like he did before my family arrived.
This is usually when the real crazy stuff (as opposed to 'normal crazy') comes forward.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I really admire how long you have stood and the antics you have gone through. Well done.
Maybe next time agree with H and ask when he would like to talk in private? Regardless I am happy to read his antics do not leave a lasting affect on you or your mood. Well done.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Gosh Doll if you're in my neck of the woods and can sneak out, we should get together for tea and company !!! I don't know how you stand but God bless ya, you do it with grace and dignity.
You're posts into the view of MLC have helped me on those occasions when STBXH and I are interacting - probably more than you will ever know! Thanks for your continued posting and I hope that things improve soon. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I think your h is being his old PA self and is picking fights to justify not being a participant "family" member over the holidays. He may be working up to a snit to find an excuse to stay home while you are gone.
His behavior is so much like my xh's pre-crisis. Every holiday and my birthday, he would work up to argument level to ruin the special time. It was like clock work. It took me years to figure out that he was not comfortable being around my family and didn't want anyone to have the attention but him. So sad, because my family treated him just like a son...but it was his loss.
You've got this. Any mention of putting up the tree yet?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ooh yes, it's getting a little late for the tree to be up. I agree, I think he is 'acting out' to try and achieve some end or other...I wouldn't risk to it...be graceful and peaceable in his presence...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
HaWho, I feel for you. But you still deal with his crazy like a pro, I wish I will be as good a MLC whisperer as you are. Sweetie you've got this, well done xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Thanks Roist, Bttrfly, Job, Sotto and Esame. I appreciate all the advice and support.
Job and Sotto- it cracks me up that you are on "tree watch." Remember, h did say it was not just a holiday tree, rather, it was a tree for all seasons. (It has ornaments and frosted faux snow.)
And Job - regarding your h building excuses to get out of going places? Awful, just awful. Wonder if my h will do the same.
Boy-oh-boy, do I have a doozy of a story. Job, this one has gotta be one for the MLC books.
Yesterday, after returning home I notice some of h's stuff outside his room on this ledge. And the stuff he moved would make space for "the tree." So I pop my head into the garage but the tree is still there. Hmm.
Later that night h asks the kids to watch a sports event with him in his room. He makes a big fuss over it: "guys, do you want to watch x with me in my room?" Kids say yes. So he says be down at x time. Then later he reminds them again. And then further on he tells them "10 minutes to start time." I just assume he is really looking forward to this sports thing.
I am upstairs reading. Hours later, s11 comes up when they are done. We watch a little tv but it's late, about 10, so about time for him to hit the hay. There's a loud banging noise downstairs and I assume s13 is just being really rough with his Nerf basketball game. But it's really loud and keeps going on. So I pop my head over the ledge and ask s what the racket is. S13 from his room, upstairs, answers it's not him. Uh oh. That only leaves one person . . .
So I ask h, what is going on down there? He snaps "nothing!" And is super cranky. He tells me just to go to bed. I tell him s11 does need to go to bed and can't with all the hammering. And I think: what if he is trying to build an addition onto the stinky dorm room?
Turns out h removed the door to the dorm room off its hinges so that a couch could fit through the doorway and they could all watch in his room! Only now, he was having a problem getting the door back. And he was sooo mad.
I wonder if he is trying to compete with me by "hosting" in his room? The kids are often in my room. Maybe he's jealous? Or maybe h's at the age where he wants to have friends over in his space? This became important to s13 this summer.
Ok, so remember the box of cords he found a few weeks ago? He goes to the closet and can't find them. He asks who took his cords. He is frustrated. We all say "not I." And sure enough he finds the cords and apologizes to us. Drilling noise follows.
He does get the door back up. I am sure he is relieved as of course, without a door, how can he can possibly leave the house?!?
This morning he wakes up and he is cheerful with the kids but sooo grumpy with me. I go play tennis.
H is just sooooo cranky. ALL.THE.TIME. This is how he was pre BD. The difference is I was so confused back then. Well, I am still confused but for different reasons altogether now . . .
