Hello...can you hear me?

[DonH]

I too read the post, but found it confusing as hell. Not sure if it's the repeated sentences or typos or what. I just really had a hard time following the story lines. Things like "I love being married" was that supposed to be passed tence - LOVED being married? Then the hook up, you did or did not go through with it? And he walked away why?

My iPad posts often get confusing due to typos too but this was really hard to follow what you are trying to say.

[kml]

Georgiabelle -
Lack of sexual desire in women is complicated. It can have psychological causes as well as hormonal, or can be due to side effects of prescription drugs. But if you've never been treated with compounded testosterone cream, you should find a physician with experience in bio-identical hormones and try it. Your local compounding pharmacy should be able to give you some names.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks for stopping by 25, Don and kml. Yes, the grapppling with my sexuality is something that I have always done. I have a desire to be wanted (which I recognize is extremely common) but generally I feel nothing in return except for "oh I like this person." However, it is generally not in a sexual way. It is also part of why I have so many male friendships. I never ever have wondered what they thought which is probably odd. And compounded by the fact that I am rather outgoing and flirtatious, I'm sure people "see" one thing and in reality it's nothing.

Don, it probably is confusing. When I say I loved being married, I loved that my life was a certain way. Even though it has been 3 years, I still struggle to navigate some of the things I feel. Oh and I love my kids more than anything but I did not consider raising them alone. I realize this sounds whiny, but I never considered blending families, single parenting or anything that comes along with that. Yes, we adjust. I get it. However, for me none of that has felt natural. And maybe I'm using an incorrect word. It feels super weird to me. As in I will have moments where I say "how the heck did I get here?" And gosh no, the hook up was from over a year ago. It is always kind of awkward when I see him so I thought I would just say "hi." Eh. That was a fail and that's okay. He works for a friend of mine. I am actually weirdly relieved he did. Why? Sounds crazy but I had this attraction to him that was never going to be. Nothing was ever going to happen with him. However, when you feel sexual attraction to someone infrequently, it makes one curious when you do. I can't explain. It's not reciprocated so I just file it away.

Yes, 25 I have never been as relaxed as I am with NG. I think some of that is me and some is him. I do think I realized so much about my R challenges and the role I play during my divorce. I never feel much sexual attraction period so I guess my attraction to the people is more mental. Whenever, I hear about people saying they have "passionate" relationships, I feel like I'm reading a sentence in Farsi. :-). I've never felt that. Which is why on the rare occasion, that I feel sexual attraction to someone it is both a curious and complicated feeling. And I think, "hmmmm. What do I do with this?" And about 99.9% of the time it's nothing.

Thanks kml! You are always so wise and helpful.

Weird having all of this brought to the surface again. Guess it comes in waves.

[Ginger1]

Hey Georgia,

Cut yourself some slack! I know many people in their 40's who have gotten overly drunk many times. It happens.

I don't think any of us go into marriage thinking about blending families, schedules, dating, living arrangements, single parenting.....thinking about it could be scary as heck. I think it may have taken me until my D was 3 to realize this was the reality of my life. that's essentially 3 years from BD. Then I just said, "well, this is my life, lets see where this goes" As you know, it's been a bumpy ride in the romantic department.

Passion I think is a different meaning to everyone. I have a friend who has a loving husband but she is separated because she is looking for some sort of "passion" Passion to me is the comfort of being with the one you love. Conversation, being somewhat in sync, laughing together, all drives my passion. Knowing someone is there, being each others support and motivation and encouragement in life. Builds passion in me. This builds sexual attraction for me.

We are all different. And we all may question the situation we are in and why we are in it. And one day may feel one way about something and feel differently the very next.

You are you. Embrace it.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks, G. You are correct. I need to embrace who I am-for better or worse.

I don't expect a response on this. I frequently post my thoughts here because well....not sure where else to share. I have this thing. I feel extremely unattractive. I can live with that but with starting a new job and being in front of new people, I feel like I will be on display. And everyone will discuss how unattractive I am. I'm not trying to be self absorbed but this is an ongoing issue. I can't change what people say and they will think what they think. I don't know.

I think what I've realized is that no matter who I have been with, they would prefer to be with someone else. And I understand that. It's just always weird being way down the choice list.

Lots on my mind lately. Positive vibes to everyone.

[Ginger1]

Oh Georgia, I am giving you a response anyways. First, I find you very attractive, and I have never even seen you. That says a lot!

I grew up as the ugly duckling. I had to rely on my personality, lol. My personality became my best feature. Somewhere along the line, when I began dating my exh, I became what others would classify as physically attractive, around 18 years old. Not conventionally, but apparently men find me physically attractive.

When my exH was dropping the bomb, I was 6 months post partum. I said "is it because of my pregnancy body?" he said "no, I still think you are hot". I wanted to smack him.

I realized I would much rather have someone attracted to who I am rather than what I looked like.

You know, everyone who has left me/broken up with me had someone waiting in the wings or was cheating on me..... and they all lasted long term. Everyone who came after me was the "one", I get where you are coming from. FF so far hasn't, but I am waiting for it to happen.

Your NG, he finds you very attractive. He's attracted to who you are, I am sure of it. I tell myself all the ones who came before and moved on to the next won't matter. because the right one for me will be the final one for me. None of the others and their choices will matter.

Keep your head up beautiful lady.

[Sotto]

Ooh, I find you attractive too GB! Sparky, funky and funny - full of energy and character..

These things are all super attractive! I was looking at a book in a store recently. It was about beauty - particularly looking at how narrow the 'media' definition of beauty is. And how wide the human perception of beauty is. How beautiful are the faces of Italian women in their 90s and new borns and women brimming with confidence.

I'm quite sure that most people don't meet you and think you are unattractive!! I wouldn't think about anyone around me in those terms at all and I think mostly we are all too wrapped up in our own stuff anyway. I know I'm just grateful for lovely moments of connection with those around me. Spots of warmth and laughter, you know?

xx

[Maybell]

So, GeorgiaBelle, I'm going to throw a few things out there and see how they land on you. Use as many grains of salt as seems right to you.

First, wrt being sure you're unattractive... I heard an idea a few months ago that resonated with me. FEAR is False Expectations Appearing Real. I don't know how physically attractive you are, but I like you a LOT here on the boards. You're spunky and resourceful and however in the dumps I felt, you always said the right thing to bring me back up. Those qualities shine through and you can tell that's the case because people treat you nicely (like the CEO buying pizza on your last day). If you focus on how badly you feel about yourself, that will become the most noticeable thing about you.

I realize this may be a momentary rant but I hope it really is momentary. In the event it isn't, I want to remind you that I have never heard of anyone except your stupid ex treating you like an unattractive person. In fact, if I recall correctly, a year or two ago there was a pretty hot young thing after you...

WRT to the sexuality thing... I thought I wasn't that interested in sex too. But as it turns out, for me it is just tied VERY closely to how emotionally close I feel to the person I'm with. Is it possible that you haven't cut loose and enjoyed it so much because you have problems with trust or closeness with whoever you're with? I've only had one short-term sexual relationship in my life and it was AWFUL. Not because the sex itself was no good but because I felt so utterly uncomfortable. Sex with Mr. Fantastic was more effective but there were times when we'd finish up and I would feel used. My mind/heart didn't get where he was, but my body certainly did. My Guy now is not as effective in bed as Mr. F, but I really, really, really enjoy sex with him because it's a fun thing we do together. Like every other fun thing we do not in bed. It has changed everything about how I feel about sex.

Just food for thought.

I don't believe any of us envisioned blending families, raising kids alone, etc. I didn't and I get really raging mad at Mr. Fantastic for upending my life the way he did. And the whole point of getting married once is that you negotiate all the relationship struggles BEFORE the kids come along in order to have a nice stable home ready for them when they come along. It's like trying to tie your shoe while bouncing on a pogo stick when you're negotiating a new relationship with kids already in the picture. Do you let go of the pogo stick to tie your shoe? Or do you keep hopping and hope you don't trip on the trailing shoelace? We just do the best we can. It's daunting and I often want to just skip to the end. Which would be a pretty stupid thing to do.

Which brings me to my last point.

IT'S OK TO HAVE FUN. It's OK to be inebriated from time to time when you have something to celebrate. It's nobody's business what you look like when you've had a couple of cocktails and if you're worried about that then you'll always have a hard time being happy because we can't please all the people all the time. The best thing about being divorced? How much fun I've been having. Since being away from Mr. Fantastic, I've drunk less alcohol but eaten more ice cream; run in more 5Ks but worried about my figure less; enjoyed LOTS of experiences I always wanted to try and gotten more patient with my kids... I loved being married too. I was expert at homemaking. Now I'm not expert at my new career but I'm learning a lot more from it, and one of the things I've learned is how to tell the difference between my circus and someone else's circus.

HAVE FUN. Live like you deserve to have fun, because you work d@mn hard and you DO deserve to have fun! We only get this one life. Why worry if other people don't want to see you having fun? Don't shrink your world to accommodate imaginary people. Life didn't turn out the way we intended, and it's more complicated than we ever hoped for... but there's still a lot of amazing stuff out there.

That 180 from on top of the world to bottom of the barrel... that's normal. I am really happy in my life, but I still get RAGINGLY angry at Mr. Fantastic for forcing all this change and growth on me. I sit with it, acknowledge that and the grief I feel for all that I expected for myself, and sometimes I'll even cry or pray about it. But at some point the gratitude for all the parts that turned out better than they could have given how well I chose my husband returns. The 180 (or Wheel of Fortune) shifts again, and I find my happy place again. Has that happened for you?

I hope this doesn't sound too preachy or whatever. I get how you're feeling and I want you to remember or discover all the good that's out there for you.

((((((GeorgiaBelle)))))

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell, Ginger and Sotto-thanks so much for dropping by. You all make some great points and I appreciate your kind and encouraging words.

I have some crazy self esteem issues and always have. As I may have mentioned before, I was a super achiever and had a full blown eating disorder by age 4. I was waaaaaay ahead of my time:) While not an active bulimic or anorexic, I have moments of debilitating body image distortion, and while not frequent, it occasionally prevents me from doing things...like going out or to see a friend. Crazy, I know.

I have seen my therapist twice in the last week. I feel like (and I hope I am not deluding myself) I am on the precipice of something really good. I don't know what it is. I have so much good in my life and so many things to be excited for at this time.

One thing the therapist asked me about today, was how I felt when I see x Mr. GB. I always feel bad admitting this, but here goes. I hope he finds peace, but looking at him makes me tired. I'm glad his anxiety is allegedly better, however, I want no part of any of that. I hope he finds his peace and yes, I will probably always be sad in a way that we didn't make it and my family separated as I knew it. However, I no longer have the capacity to deal with crazy or taxing. We discussed that when ANYTHING gets too complicated (and I don't mean from a life perspective. I mean more from a "we've made the situation super complex and hope it becomes less complex"), then I shut down. Big time. I actually say, "I understand. Let me know if that is a yes or no. Thanks!"

I am striving to live my life authentically. I am close, but I need some help getting there. And I will.

Sending everyone a hug and 90 degree temps with 85% humidity!

[Dawn70]

Hi, GB! I'm not even sure what to say after Maybell, Ginger and Sotto weighed in because they said it all. I will just say, I know how it feels to feel really unattractive. I feel that way probably 99% of the time (the other 1%, I'm like, screw it, if they don't like my looks, then they don't have to look). TOTALLY understand how that feels, but I think the ladies before me said it best...you have so many positive qualities that shine through in your posts that it is hard to imagine you as anything but attractive. Life is just weird sometimes, isn't it?