Surfers LL Experiment - Part 1

[Surfer]

Dear all (LT, Ginger, BB, Sara, Vapo; et al),

So many interesting comments. Vapo, I had to pay extra subscription for the video (not sure $70 or so - hence the point). I don't want to cheese off "le grande fromage"! I will dig out what MWD say's and try to contextualise it. But in essence I believe it was more 1. Detach, GAL become you and happy. 2. Don't chase. 3. If she comes to you with Family Time stuff - do it.

I think there is the distinction generally though, as made earlier, that kids didn't ask for this so family time should be made - to keep them secure. I know in the early days I used FT to chase - to try and hold us together. This pursuit was not good. WW refused FT - point blank - in a bad way!! FT has been suggested since, but I have no expectations. I may never be suggested again - and was it anyway?

The fact is though, the suggestion she came up with would have okay but D9 and S6 were playing happily so I left them to decide. They said they didn't want to go - S6 changed his mind too late but hey never mind. So we didn't go and I am good with that. I am sure W is too.

I think the whole point of all this when you boil it down is stop giving a fig what your WS thinks. Focus on you. Become who you are, who you were. If they make attempts to R then okay, consider it. Otherwise, move forward. Let everyone around you see who you really are. Be there for you and your kids and do the FT for your Kids if you are asked, if you are not asked or it doesn't work, have FT as you and kids without WS. Okay its different, but if you give them enough love and attention, they really will be fine and they will remember what you did for them all of their lives.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Been a good W/end. About to take the kids swimming then getting a bit dressed up for dinner (they are presently in playing clothes). We are going out for food I have decided. Spent much of the weekend making and painting things - from castles to pom pop snowmen, making food, playing football in the garden etc.

They are very happy children. This is my job done. I will drop them tonight without going in or having a word with W tonight and will see them in the morning to take them to school. Then tomorrow I have a very swanky business lunch in the City, with a client I really get on with - hopefully I won't end up too boozy - got lots to do!!! Either way I will treat it as a mini GAL activity.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Swimming done, kids fed at our fave restaurant. Dropped them totally happy. No communication at all with W. Stayed in the car as I saw them hug her at the door. I left smiling as they were.

How sad I feel for the WS. They really have no idea I am sure. I hope you can all find the strength you need to go through your own difficulties. Dig deep my friends.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Surfer, you're doing so great! I think no expectations of the ws really does help. The last few days wh has been texting to say if he could come over. I told him sure, and every time he has bailed. I haven't even flinched, hasn't bothered me because I expect nothing of him.

I love hearing how much of a great dad you are to those kids. I bet they are so excited to see you and get your undivided attention and have some fun.

Keep it up amigo

[Surfer]

Thanks Cherry. It's good to spend time having fun. Don't get me wrong I can be grumpy dad too when won't listen etc but that's part of being a parent.

I guess he's temp checking. Pay no mind.

Find your happy place.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Vapo,

I found the bit on Family Time - sorry its taken a while. She says don't pursue 'family time' but if offered jump at it. Because:

- kids etc are the thing that keeps families together often
- FT remind the WS of what is important (obv. must be fun!!)
- AP can't have real FT as they are not a parent, they never will be
- doing more and more FT things brings you together
- forget cake eating on this

I hope that helps.

Surfer.

[Vapo]

Interesting. I'l have to think on it...

Thank you for this information.

V

[PsySara]

You're an inspiration, Surfer! You appear to be really embracing the way of lovingly detaching. I am proud of you and your kids are blessed to have you as their stable dad.

[Surfer]

Thank you Sara.

Very kind words. I appreciate them - mmmm perhaps my LL is WoA after all....:)

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Not much to report. W is being nice. Validating a bit. I am happy but not really too concerned. I still think of her but I don't miss her. I still love her but I don't long for her. Kids are happy I am happy.

Went to swimming to see kids on Tuesday and W was chatty and nice. She started getting stressed when trying to get them dressed. I helped. She talked after mostly about how she felt (ill etc) - outside I validated, inside I said 'meh'.

She has been a bit more chatty last few days. Fair bit of eye contact. She offers advice and I say, don't worry about that, it's covered. Have a good day.

I sense she is turning corner. Once when she realises all strings have been but and she is floating out there alone things might be dark. When the financial string is gone. I think it will be frightening for her. I don't want her frightened but I think it will be. No OM at the moment 99.9% sure and no H wanting her back right now. Not ideal when you are wrong side of 40 with 2 kids even non wayward supermodels might struggle.

Time and karma will deliver a change of heart I am sure. I just wonder whether I will have moved on by then. I hope not for the kids and us.

Still playing optimistic but I have zero expectations.

Surfer.