The reason I am asking is because it goes contrary to the general idea, to try to shatter the idea of a family life when it suits the W and off frolicking when it is her "single" time. I am an all or nothing kind of guy.
Again, I might have the wrong idea here. A couple of weeks ago I entered a photo contest and I got an award, I told my kids and they were very excited for me, told the W and she as totally into it, how we should ALL go to the awards ceremony and what not... I was in shock. I was like WAIT, YOU FIRED ME FROM THE H POSITION 2 YEARS AGO AND YOU EXPECT TO DO FAMILY THINGS NOW?!?
Luckily I came down with the flu and could not attend...
My ex and I basically raised our first and only child from infancy as a divorced couple with an A involved. So family time was always tricky ad. We worked it to work for all of us so I'll share what has worked for us.
Family time is not something I ever chose to think of as a DB "tactic" for saving a marriage. Family time to me, is well, family time. Does t matter if I was fired from the wife position, or what have you. If I felt comfortable and it benefitting our daughter, I partake. Being a new parent an going through a lot of firsts, I didn't want to miss out much. So we always took her to see Santa together. When she was 2 we brought her to sesame place together. We have a meal every now and then together. We spend her birthday together, the 3 of us.
If you feel as if it is a positive thing for your child do it. If you feel like you can't emotionally make it about them only at the time, don't do it.
I do not agree with MWD personally about her family time DB strategy. It's something to personal and it involves kids feelings.
I suggest you make your calls based on your kids first, and second, if you feel like its to DB, not because you or your kids want it, then I would decline the invite
Surfer: Thanks for bringing this up. I've been very confused by this too i.e. cake eating vs. letting them experience what they will be missing. Being the best you and letting them wish they were still with us makes lots of sense - so does engaging them.
Over the last couple of weeks I've been trying to do both. My W has been offering to help around the house and we are neck deep in a long overdue renovation. She has helped with laundry and a few other items.
I realize that if I try and engage her she will smell something foul. So I'm going to try and be open/positive and follow her lead. Anything else may be pursuing and/or she may feel it's a trap.
Ginger could be right family time could be fine with the original family. On the other hand, if a new family will be formed in X years - maybe we need to get ready for it?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Ahhhhh, but I'm 9 years in, and my ex has married his affair partner. So family time is truly about our child together. Not about us as husband and wife. And his W I believe understands. I mean, she really can't say much. when she chose to enter our marriage when I was pregnant, she'd be an assssss to complain about the family time.
That's why I fully be,I've the family to,e shouldn't be about the couple, but about the kids.
Ginge I agree 100%. But when my ex suggested that we all go to my awards ceremony, that really surprised me... Nope, that's my thing and that you have no part of...
The way I interpret MWD's video on family time is two fold.
First, it builds the connection of family again. No expectations whether it will be positive for the R or M, but it will be positive for the kids.
Second, it may or may not cause a strain between the OM/OW and the WAS. Again no expectations, but a bonus for the LBS if it does.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Ginge I agree 100%. But when my ex suggested that we all go to my awards ceremony, that really surprised me... Nope, that's my thing and that you have no part of...
Exactly. That was for HER, not you or the kids. ANd it was your special day, and it should be done how it would make YOU feel comfortable.
Kids awards ceremonies are another story.
Hey, in the beginning of my mess, we had family time which came with expectations and hopes from ME. It was an awful roller coaster for me. I was inviting him by for dinner hoping that having the family connection would bring feelings back. It didn't work that way.
The only thing that got me through this in a healthy way was focusing on how anything is beneficial for the kid, and to make sure I took US out of the equation.
MY GAL is rather boring but it brings me comfort and happiness. I love reading and my idea of a fantastic weekend is burning through a book or two. However working my hours as well as raising three young children has curtailed this sharply. I also like watching sci-fi movies, hanging out with my cousin/best friend and going to nice restaurants. I actually love having deep conversations with friends (and previously WH) and that's why I became a mental health provider. I notived I was trying to GAL by doing things others enjoyed, finally I admitted to myself that my enjoyment is more type B stuff. And I am okay with that.
I like the MWD videos, I think it gives good, concrete, solution based help. My biggest problem is patience. I think my motto should be, "Dear God, please give me patience and give it NOW!"
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Surfer, I agree on taking the family time where it's available. The kids didn't choose any of this and I think the consistency helps them. It may or may not fix your M, but it should only help in building the co-parenting skills should they be needed.
I know what you're going through bud. We do our family time and it's awkward sometimes and great others. Having more greats lately, which is good, but it can be quite strange still. I find it best to just grit my teeth and push forward when W is off kilter during family time.
For the GAL stuff, know that I stole your skiing idea above! Going to book a ski day for D and I so she can learn. Youre always full of great ideas bud!
I know I haven't been around much as of late, but I'm still pulling for you man! Hang in there brother!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
