Surfers LL Experiment - Part 1

[Surfer]

I have been experimenting with LL's. Just observing what happens when I offer AoS and WoA (W's LL's, I believe). I am going to sit back see what happens. I don't predict much in fairness.

W has just come back from her 40th with her wayward friends. Massive gaggle of girls all dressed identically being drunk. Not ideal but it's a (very) regular thing for them. It's certainly not my cup of tea.

I think I am starting to realise, I am probably very different to my W and perhaps, I put up with things because I truly loved her. I still love her as a person, but I don't have the same feelings for her 'attraction', wanting to 'be with' her. Sometimes I do, but it's fading and it worries me a little. I guess that is detaching. I miss her as she was, but I don't miss her now if that makes sense. I am generally really quite happy however.

I guess I am saying that my feelings are changing for her.

I watched a film called "The Story of Us" at the weekend. It's about a couple in a similar sitch. Bruce Willis is a 'one up' that becomes a 'one down' and moves out. Very similar. He agrees to the D and his W switches back to the R. All very nice and it would be nice, but I expect this may never happen. I am not even sure I want it anymore TBH.

W has not even been within 20 ft of me last 2 days when dropping kids. I like this as it means I don't have to put up with her telling me how to do something that is frankly simple.

W looked a bit frazzled this AM. She went to an event last night with family to raise money in the name of a young relative that died tragically. She took kids. I expect that this is hitting her hard but I don't think I should raise this. D9 said I am surprised you did not go D. I said I was not invited. D9 said M must have forgotten. I said, no darling, she perhaps wanted to go without me. Bless her. Both kids really want us to get back together. But I think we may well be reaching the point of no return. I am losing my love for my W. Her loss for definite.

On a separate point, I spoke to L last week. She suggested that we need to get some traction. As we are in Limbo - as W does not need to do anything or does not know what to do. We discussed a letter that says "can we please be advised what is happening after a history of X, we seem to be left in limbo and this is not good for the kids or me, also we need to sort custody formally....". I asked L to give me time to think about this as we have had some good interactions recently - and this may set the cat amongst the pigeons. But I am also kind of thinking - hey whats the harm. I am still not going to deliver a D and she can do the heavy lifting etc.

Any thoughts welcome.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Working from home. W just called to see if I have a sports top of S6's I said yes I will leave it outside the house in a bag for you. That way there is no need to see her. I don't want her temp checking etc. Told her kids want me to go to watch swimming today. Said I might if I get what I need to get done finished. I have every faith I can and will go but I wanted her to know so she does not spew that I turned up unannounced on her time.

She may ask me in or kids may. If the kids do I will and will just focus on them I think. If she offers polite conversation I will respond nicely but then head when I know the kids are happy for me to go.

If I don't get an invite for either, I won't request one.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

As it happens swimming was good. Kids were very happy I went. W was quite frosty with me but nice with her friend that was there. I was in a great mood and her mood didn't bother me at all - just observed. Helped get kids dry and made them laugh. They wanted to drive back with me but W said no. This means here is no OM as she would have used the time to talk to him no doubt. D9 said Mummy is grumpy I don't know why. I said well we're not are we and made her laugh. Kids are looking forward to staying tonight. I am going by to spoil them with lots of love and fun and lovely food.

W seems to be cycling now. I think she is starting to feel the consequences of her actions - pressure of being a single mum etc. Her choice however. She seems to really struggle with the pressures of normal life at the best of times. When leaving after swimming she was voicing dispair at the kids being difficult and with her not being in a great place mentally - she isnt st her best. She is also run down after a hard weekend of partying no doubt. When I was leaving she said something like "it's not fair this" - not sure what she said exactly TBH or who she was saying it to. Me, kids, herself. I just said "oh dear, well I had better dash back, kids be good for mummy, see you tomorrow evening etc". I felt happy to be getting away from my W and her moody victim role. Poor kids could not and I felt for them.

[Surfer]

So, W's dropped of D for piano lessons. All fine and happy will drop S soon and I will make the meal they requested, we will cuddle and then watch TV, bath time then bed, ready for school in the morning. All normal life but no W. Weird. I have come to accept it.

When W came to the door to drop she asked me not to give D any treats as she was naughty. I said I don't need to punish her, you should deal with that I have not been involved (D was ignoring W). W said I need your support on these things. I said okay I will talk to her. D said W was in another room and she could not hear her, I asked if she explained this and she said I can't because mummy is always shouting. I am going to pass this back to my W as info. as she just does not listen, she does communicate poorly also etc.

Other than that I have zero news to journal. Early meeting, gym, work all good really quite happy. 6 Months into DB and I feel very relaxed about things. No attachment at all no resentment etc.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So it seems we are entering a phase of co-parenting. NC unless about kids. Its amicable and kind generally although W is having little bits of cycling. I don't seem to be at all. What now. I can predict everything that happens up to now but.....not sure what's next?

Just limbo it seems.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

She's in limbo, not you. You have the gift of time to build yourself up, to make yourself fascinating and irresistible. What are your hobbies? What was your zen before meeting your W?

[Surfer]

Sara

Ha ha. I see your advice and mine is similar. It's good advice - thank you (and yes, she is definitely in limbo but perhaps does not see that). I will take it is me moving on. Funny how you don't see things so clearly when it's you that's involved - or certainly I don't. Ha ha.

BTW - bought the LRT downloads after reading your comments on this. Nothing 'new' as such in this but definitely with it. MWD is rather amazing I must admit.

I need to GAL in a different way I think Sara. I have always been a family, work, gym and beers with the boys kind of guy. The gym has to stay - did 2 x 5ks this week but have been really lazy!!! I need to get off my backside! Work is work and I actually enjoy it more if I get up and get to the gym for 6am so I really need to do that on Monday. If I do this, I can be home to collect kids when they get dropped, do the school run and feel amazing when at my desk by 8am. Got kids this weekend so no fitness other than I will take them swimming on Sunday and will bike ride or play in the garden!

I need to cut down on the beers. I do struggle on that front as I tam he to have a glass of wine or two or beers most days and it's not good. My waistline needs a fighting chance and the extra calories, sitting at a PC all day and not getting to the gym are taking their toll. That being said I have 5 lunches and drinks in the diary for the next 3 weeks already so there will be no escape soon. Whilst this is GAL it's also work. Great restaurants/bars but again that waistline.....oh dear. Best start as I mean to go on and hit the gym on Monday.

Besides this I am going to try and find something fo me. I like reading, things like DB/DR have helped also this forum too. I also meditate as and when. App based stuff. However I want to get into something. I want to take the kids skiing soon so I might work on some lessons fo them and me. I had thought about salsa lessons but TBH - it's not me.

Invited to a squash night be it clashed with kids swimming lessons. So will have to see.

How about you? How do you GAL?

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Journaling.

Picked up kids from W last night. She was staying in and tidying. We were both happy, relaxed and joking. She suggested I may want to take kids to Xmas market today - she is helping out there. MWD suggests in her LRT videos that if there is an offer for family time take it. Forget the cake eating (W seeing them on my weekends etc) as that is ego talking. Turn the volume down on ego is the answer I am sure.

Surfer.

[Vapo]

Surfer,

can you provide the link to the video for the family time?

Thanks,

[Surfer]

Vapo,

Would love to but I think there are Copyright issues with doing that. There is a deal on to buy it.

Basically MWD says any invites for family time should be taken up (I presume where this works for you)!

Surfer.