Surfers LL Experiment - Part 1

[Surfer]

Ha ha. I am very careful not to shout or curse . Mostly to prevent her spew. I don't want to contribute to the kids fears. Only last night at bedtime D9 was telling me how she can still hear the shouting WW spew and rage - me listening, validating. My D is a bit of Drama queen in fairness, quite theatrical but both kids and I did go through a very frightening period. I think at this point W was truely wayward (less now) and was confusing EA (still not sure it was a PA) for being in love - as she was pursuing and being persued. So she was a mess and we all really suffered - TBH she was an absolute b!tch at the time but that is the sign of a wayward. Anyway my point is that I try and operate with short clear words that strike a chord. I try not to curse but instead expressed 'disappointment' in this case 'because you are again droppping the kids for someone else when they are with you'. I don't do this to hurt but I do it to make a direct point. Unfortunately my W only really has people that validate poor behaviour in her life. The 'truth darts' I provide are very rare now but she needs them. I have to try to balance the damage it does when trying to R with the importance of those messages she needs to hear. Not always easy but I try to give her these messages so they hit the target. This one did. She certainly won't consider me in persuit now that's a fact!

So be it. She needs boundaries. She is going to get them. Hopefully less and less over time - as that will show improving behaviour.

Surfer.

[Vapo]

I do hope you realize, that boundary setting is for your sake and not to "improve" the behavior of your W. She is in her own film and trust me, in her mind she was/is very much in love with her AP. Her confusing these emotions with love has no merit. Even if you try pointing this out, you will only get spew. So don't even go there.

Protect yourself in all areas (financial, emotional,...). She WILL do and say things that will hurt you, but just remember, trust none they say and oly half of what they do...

[Vapo]

She does not need boundaries, if you need them, you erect them...

[Surfer]

Vapo thanks. That makes sense. I have been confusing this. It I see it now. When I am saying "I am hanging up at this point as this converse is unproductive" - I am doing this 100% for me? Surely there is a bit of cross over as ultimately they 'should' learn from these boundaries and whilst I accept you should set them for 'you' alone. It a little grey rather than black and white.

I am resetting NC for a while. For me.

W popped round this morning to drop kids school shoes. Disorganised again. Attempted to spew. I just blocked it and took the kids to school happy.

In fairness I was colder than I should have been. Clipped in my response (vexed but polite) rather than happily responding to the nosey neighbour as such. She attempted to pick me up in that I just said I am fine but need to get the kids ready as we are Running late. W said is that it 'no thank you?' I said thanks for the she's. I then said I'll have to go see you later and closed the door. She knows I am not happy and it's because she is again putting wayward friends in front of time with the kids. I think she feels guilty because of this. So be it.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Journaling...

I notice that in the morning, when she drops kids for the school run, my W likes to have some form of interaction. I am happier not having one. rather than being positive it's most often an opportunity for her to tell me what to do, "you need to remember to" (usually something obvious about the kids - brush their teeth in a circular motion, tell them to breathe out after breathing in etc.). My questions are:

1. I have seen this on other threads. What is this about? Her validation, feeling 'one up', in control, temp checking IDK.

2. I am bored of it. I am going to start saying "I already understood that but thanks for trying to help." That way it's not harsh - Although I feel like shouting in her face "WTF do you think I am a f**king moron you self centred ignotistical ****.
". Clearly I never would and don't but I am alowed to be a human on the inside even if on the outside I need to keep calm control. I presume me saying this is honest to the point of putting a boundary in place - I.e I don't want this petty advice because I don't need it? Any thoughts?

3. This interaction point in the morning allows her an extra - 15 mins in bed and feels to her like me I am sharing the load. Morning are a stress flashpoint for my W - she tends to not be able to cope with a 'normal mums role'. Massive complainer how life is hard - victim etc. Anyway, I give the kids a cuddle for 15 mins and they get chance to touch base. Sometimes they say important things and others they are just quite happy. Because of this I don't want to ditch this as it keeps us closer. But that part of me that fights between the world of LLs (my love) and cake eating (my ego) struggles with this. At times I feel like telling her I don't want the interaction so just please drop and run or you get up 15 mins earlier and take them to school please. I guess neither option would be in the best interests of the kids so I won't do either and, also, in a few years time the kids will no doubt have a different routine so I will stand firm and just listen and validate using the opportunity to connect but also exPlain, where I feel the need and where appropriate tell her I don't need the advice (I.e that the physics of toothbrushing was day 1 on my 4 year honours degree prior to my 2 other professional qualifications)......arrrgh. Ha ha.

Surfer.

[Vapo]

I will restate my belief that W's LL are not to be messed with at this point, mainly because you have not detached enough. You are not doing anything wrong, detachment simply takes time to achieve. It took me the better part of a year after BD to do this. The main problem is that you still link your actions to W's reactions, and vice versa, so you build all sort of expectations and when these are not met, you fell in the dumps...

Now to address your questions:

1. She is still bossing you around. I understand your frustration, I would just take over the kids when she brings them over in the driveway and immediately say my goodbyes and "dump" her right there and then. Simply say goodbye to the W, turn around and go with the kids inside.

2. see my point No. 1.

3. see my point No. 2.

[J5K]

Surfer,

I agree with Vapo, ignore, ignore, ignore! WAS/WW want things to be amicable and think they are still in charge. Some do not think they have lost anything, especially mine!

Do not give her the satisfaction of her telling you how to parent anymore.

[MoveFrwd]

W surprised me at the door with D6 saying whilst it's her weekend with kids she is going to offer the to me otherwise MIL will have them.

Strange.

She just shows up at your door to offer your children to you for extended periods of time?

[Sotto]

Hi Surfer, I agree with you on the whole 'you need to do X and Y'

If she does that again, you may want to pleasantly look her in the eye and say (in assertive (not aggressive) tone). "Thanks W - I'm sure we'll be just fine - you have a good day now. Then turn and walk away.

I think there is a difference between conveying useful information - you need to pick them up at X time because Y is cancelled - and trying to control their care when they aren't with you...what she is doing sounds like the latter.

Hope this helps my friend :-)

[Coly23]

I think I would be as frustrated as you Surfer! Hang in there Surfer and breath.... in and don't forget to breath out....