Surfers LL Experiment - Part 1

[Vapo]

Well you can add threads to your watched thread and then you are notified on your email when new threads are posted...

[DonH]

Going under the menu "My Stuff" above. From there you can watch forums, watch topics and watch users.

[Surfer]

Thank DonH and Vapo

[Cherry]

Sorry I've been a bit out of action recently, I've been pretty busy!

I must say your little experiment seems to be going well. I can sense the kindness coming out of you. And as long as your expectations are at zilch (I know you said they are), then I don't see the harm. It's doing what works and consistency. Personally, I think that the kindness is great, where there are children involved, as they are seeing all. That's what keeps me being nice and civil with wh,,I don't want my child to see their parents angry. Unfortunately wh is still very wayward so we barely see or hear from him so this would not work with him. I'll keep watching and learning from you though.

Keep it up, you really do seem in a genuinely better place.

[roist]

Good on you. Don't mind read or over interpret those results.

It is good she notices,acknowledges and appreciates your AOS. I would just say that showing appreciation does not IMO count as Words of Affection.

As for not knowing if you want her back. That probably will help you as it is not your motivation. I imagine if down the road she wants back she will not be the same person as now/recently so you should not decide that yet. Cross that bridge when/if it comes up.

Best wishes.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

Glad you have been busy! Keep that GAL going even if its mundane stuff....

It's doing what works and consistency.

Exactly. Do it enough and it creates a pattern. That pattern creates a new "character" in the mind of the WS IMO. Their crisis justifies a new character for you (re-written history/spew related/spouse bashing) but the new character is different. In their eyes the LBS changes - and to some degree they do.

No expectations - I don't want an unconscious bias to dictate the outcome of my experiment LoL!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Thanks Roist,

It is good she notices,acknowledges and appreciates your AOS. I would just say that showing appreciation does not IMO count as Words of Affection

IDK about this. Whether its Words of Affirmation or not its certainly good and provides a guide. It's the WS saying, this is a good thing for me. Some might say, 'that's cake eating talking'; I get that too. But actually, why not be kind. As I say, it's an experiment, I will monitor what happens and report on progress....

In terms of "not wanting her back", I agree. I mean, she has not done any work yet. If she does, I will be happy to reconsider - provided she does the right work....

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Picture me sitting in the stands watching your experiment raptly, like an intense tennis match. I am wearing your team colors and silently cheering you on. I watched the LRT and MWD states clearly that when one thinks the term "cake eating" it is ego and pride talking. To do something with a beginner's mind means to put your expectations aside, it means that if you don't get a good reaction you don't feel "let down." It means you are doing this as an exercise in "what works."

You are better at this than me, I still struggle with detachment. There are times when I truly don't feel pain or sadness when WH doesn't respond to my trial and error. But there are/were times when he would just grunt or shrug when I said or did something nice. It's a process, we do what works and try to leave our ego at the door. You're awesome!

[Surfer]

Sara

Thank you. Really kind.

I don't feel so awesome today. I span out - a tiny bit. W asked if I was near home and I said no just 10mins away walking back from a meeting. She offered a lift but it wasn't convenient. I told her I appreciated the offer. She dropped of D9 15 mins later for piano lessons. All good. I presumed the offer of a lift W LL (AoS) was a positive sign but something felt odd. Turns out she needed to drop D9 so she could go get a waxing prior to dropping S6 for sleepover. For all I know the waxing was confined to her top lip (given the ruddyness) but so what. Unfortunately this is all a trigger 'just need to pop out - red lip on return days followed by a co stricter argument so she could claim to have to leave for a sleepover with friends'. W surprised me at the door with D6 saying whilst it's her weekend with kids she is going to offer the to me otherwise MIL will have them. I bit at this. She did this 2 weeks after she left. Those devastated kids got left so W could go to Portugal with wayward friends dressed up like a hen party. She said it had been arranged for ages and I said but you are just dumping the kids on your weekend again - like Portugal and its very disappointing. I said I couldn't help her right now with this. W constantly puts her feelings and times away with the girls before the kids. She left in a 'mood'. I said little but at dinner asked the kids if they wanted to go to MIL air stay with me. I felt that was the best approach. They want to have a sleepover with MIL as they have not seen her in fairness. So this seems like the right thing to do to me. D9 said W is going with the wayward friends all getting dressed up as golf girls - short blue skirt, white shirt, hat and converse with heels and chains or something?? According to D9. IDK. At 40 you would think she and her friends would grow up.

Anyway, after cooking dinner I tidied did bedtime and reflected on this. I am just going to detach from it. She knows dumping the kids is bad form. I know the reason for the break away is probably all lies. I also know she should have told me way before if it has been arranged for ages As she said - I have plans too. She should also not arrange things with MIL then ask me if I want to have them. If I say yes and the kids don't want to it gets messsy. Anyway, I am tired so spewing a bit. I am just going to go NC now again and ignore her nonsense.

Still not sure about the finances. A separation agreement is ideal but not for R. However, right now I don't want to R and as for LL's - the experiment is on hold. LoL.

Ah well. Let's see what the next couple of weeks bring. I am sure when she has spent the weekend away and had a hard week at work then another weekend apart from the kids, folllowed by another hard week at work she might look at things differently. For now I am not going to be doing any more AoS an little response generally. If she starts being decent fine but otherwise I'll leave her to her own devices I think.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Sounds like a plan. When you're dealing with a WAS it is a delicate dance you do between 180 and pursuit. And if that was spew then I am impressed, my spews usually consist of screaming like a harpy and copious curse words.