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Previous thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2715601&page=11

So I have listened to the 5 LL book. It really makes sense to me. It's too early to implement as part of piecing but I recognise positive responses from my W when I provide Acts of Service. This and Words of Affirmation are, I believe, her LL's.

I am going to start to experiment with this and record the results. I am remaining NC unless about the kids and W is starting to make more contact and act more 'normally'. She is being kinder. I don't pursue her but it feels she is starting to do that now. I am also getting my mind set back into Evens/One-Up, while sitch made me feel One-Down which is not how I historically felt.

Future is looking bright in fairness, with or without W.

Watch this space.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Surfer, just catching back up from the week. Sounds like you've got the lab coat on and are setting up quite an experiment. I gained a lot from the LL book as well. The one thing I've been doing is trying to implement stuff like that on other folks in my life, be it family or work folks. It's been great practice for me and I feel like I'm getting better at that type of stuff.

With my W, I know there's no chance she'd be open to any of the LL stuff at this point. My W, I believe, would fall under the Acts of Service and Quality Time languages. The quality time one is out the window, as she'd rather be in a rodeo riding a porcupine than spending an extended period w/ me currently. I have been implementing the Acts of Service one, though it's not truly driven by concerns around her. It's more driven by me realizing I hadn't been fully engaged in my responsibilities around the house pre-BD. Hence, I'm doing them now bc it's the right thing to do, however, it also has the added benefit of being an Act of Service.

One thing I'd offer is that you follow a similar path. Don't execute on the Acts of Service stuff if it's driven solely by trying to fill your Ws tank. Do those Acts bc you believe them to be the right things to do. I believe your consistency and strength will be noticed. I too find myself concerned that to do otherwise would push you into the realm of pursuit.

Regardless, if you're keeping close watch you should be able to see if you're moving into pursuit land. Just keep a close, close eye on things and don't let them get out of your control. Either way, I'm curious to see the results. hoping for the best for you brother!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
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Thanks LT and all good advice. When still together in the haclion days of spew, total rebellion, history rewriting etc, this would not work. In fact, anything I did in terms of AoS, G, PT, QT was rejected and hard. Even WoV were by rage and spew. Not a chance. Now we are pretty much NC she is making more contact. Mostly about kids right now but she is making eye contact talking and inviting me into her space. I have zero expectations and am experimenting so the our come is about clinical observation only. Zero emotion. Other than being totally happ, as I am.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Dropped the kids last night after a lovely weekend. Cinema, bike ride in the woods and dinner out at a restaurant. That was just Sunday! Also swimming etc. Anyway, dropped kids - did not get out of the car. Still NC.

W called this morning. In tears, apologising, I am really sorry. Sounded genuine. She has a migraine and can't get to work. I said don't worry I'll take them. Gathered everything they need and picked them up and also took them. Also took a weak juice drink - S6 bought it the other day but it's what W drinks when she has a migraine and has to lay in bed.

Anyway she said thanks and genuinely looked poorly and rough. Didn't have any feelings of desire or feelings at all for her really, it did feel like I was going round to a neighbours. I took the kids to school and this was kind of an AoS. I am going to monitor the results. I could have said no, you sacked me as a H but the kids didn't sack me as a Dad and the day would have hit the skids for them if they were late and both have colds etc. I am going to pick them up from school and take S6 to football too - more time with them! I am doing this for them however no W. So it's kind of an incidental AoS.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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It is a fine balancing act and none of us are perfect at it bit we need to do our best.EEveryone's situation is different and their spouses will differ in their responses/reaction.

Surfer, I am sure a certain part of your motivation is to improve your R with W. Only you can honestly determine the extent. In my situation I was mindful of what is considered as pursuit/pressure by the WAS. But over time I had to choose between acting the way I want to be and following advice on how not to push W away. It is a balancing act but over time I edge towards being the man I want to be. Part of that is also about how I want to treat others including W. To cut a long explication short, your actions need to be mainly focused on YOU. If you are truly doing it for you, ecpectations will be low and any negative reactions will not affect you.

In most cases pursuing a distancing spouse will only push them sway further and quicker. Be aware of that and the fact that W is not on board to save M. Most people here will advise to be more patient and wait for using the LL. But if the coach is recommending it, go for it. But do so carefully.

I had intended talking to you about other stuff I came across a long time ago. It was about improving your chances of being heard by communicating in your spouses primary learning modality and enhancing that by knowing and using their core values. Look into it, if that interests you.

I will leave you with a quote from cadet who advised me early on not to pursue communication as a goal: communication is not possible if the other person is not receptive. IMO this applies to all forms of connecting.

Surfer you have had a long hard journey. I salute you for keeping going. I also find it refreshing to read here, someone following the part of Michelle's book about trying something,
observing and noting what works. One bad reaction does not necessarily mean it is a failure. Plus what does not work now may be better received in six months time.

I look forward to reading your posts best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Cheers Roist. I like a well through out response with lots of insight and advice from someone that has been there!!

I am going to find some time to post an update on my experimenting later today. However, so far so good is all I can say. Starting to feel very much in charge of my own destiny!!!

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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So, my LL today were to look after my W. I took the kids to school from her house. Picked them up and dropped them off. Took her a drink she normally has with a migrant and then took S to football.

I didn't count the thank you' but there were a lot together with I really appreciate that thank you - twice I recall on top of other thank you's.

Many have been wary of my approach - and frankly quite rightly. I understand that very well educated and experienced stance.

However, what I see here are LL WoA from my W. Her LL are exactly that when recovering together with AoS. Has to be the right time and place of course. I feel no elation at this I just see the'results' of my experiment.

I still don't want my W back. I feel no pain I feel no joy. I am however happy.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Migrant - LoL. Migraine!

Those migrants. Pesky types, they get everywhere don't they!

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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I really need to start proof reading my posts. Oh dear....LoL.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Is there a way I can get an alert so I know someone has seen my post to help them?

Also, how can I track and fine people. I keep loosing contact with people I want to be 'there' for such as LT, Darkness, Maybell etc.

I have a really random way of finding responses and threads and "IT JUST DOESNT FEEL ORGANISED ENOUGH!" - I don't meant the forum-it's great, more how I am making it work for me (them) or not. Through the my ineptitude clearly.

Any advice greatfuly recieved.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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