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Joined: Oct 2016
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Steady9 Offline OP
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I was posting in newcomers --so some background there

My W was having an A back in her hometown this summer, she took a trip in June and Sept. It started with texting someone that she did not know or had seen since the 8th grade early in the year. And she is 42 now.

I suspected something happened in June, worked to be better H over the summer. I gained more evidence in Sept and heard a phone call in October that gave me solid evidence and a name.

I first let her go with a direct conversation in mid October. Said she was free to make her own choices. I said again the next day. (she did not know I knew over this period) Then 4-5 days later, I let her know I knew, but by then she could tell because of the small talk over the past few days. Also, over this period she was telling me she wanted to stay. So when I said I know about A--I said you need to cut off all contact and share all phone and email etc with me and said you need to read about infidelity and she complied immediately.

She says that she felt distant from me over the past year.... there was no plan... she thought I would never find out....no one in her family knows the guy... and she was hoping that the past years would allow me to give her a second chance.

OK so now a month has gone by. We have talked a lot, had sex a lot, gone on a couple of dates, and she has written me a letter of values moving forward that she feels is important. She answered all my questions about the sex etc. But it did require her to read about infidelity first to get an idea of what each person would do or need to hear or would expect, etc. She has done that. I know I could have been a better H and paid more attention to her drifting away.... I can see it in hindsight.... but never thought an A would happen in our relationship...

My W has thanked me couple of times for giving us a second chance. She is a little immature or lacks the versatility of words to share her thoughts clearly ....So I have to work with her to get her to share more of her feelings, but she is doing. She read an article about infidelity the other day and wanted to share some of the ideas with me.. It had to do with why does a wife do this.... so she was sharing that it was similar for her.... felt detached... lived in the moment... did not see the down side..

She also said that my confronting her...helped her get back to reality quickly... she said she was ending it on her own.... she said she was never going to leave me for this guy.

Over the past 4 weeks, we have spent a lot of time together. She has worked hard to do the transparency, spend more time cleaning the house, working with the kids and their homework. We have had the best bedroom time as well. We have gone on dates etc.

Now I do struggle with forgiveness in my head.... I am doing a good job at being nice and I have never yelled or anything dramatic over the past months. So on the outside I have done good...inside still struggling..

She describes the affair like a car wreck or like a dream or even in a haze....

She is worried that I will not love her like I did before.... Each day recently when i say I feel good, she may something like today, it feels like cancer is still in remission... something like that. She dreads the day that I may wake up and say... I do not love you anymore...

On the good side we are holding hands, kissing all the time, talking nicely, friendly...

One of the values I had before was the way she had my back and supported me for everything.... now I feel she is not there for me.... really.. But she has said, she will not let me down again, ever. I believe she is truly remorseful and moving forward.

I am working to put the A in to perspective.... but struggle. The lying and the work I went through to gather data to confront her... still haunts me... I had to do it because I knew she would deny deny deny... I try to not think like a victim, I did good work to get my W back... so trying to think like a hero.

Some days I do not love her it seems..... and then I think we can do it.... I created a fantasy about my W over the past 16 years.... and she is human it turns out....and hoping I can move past that.

More to come


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
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What are you working on with your IC?


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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I am working on forgiveness - giving up all hope for a better past
and
empathy - recognizing that my W felt isolated or alone and needing something... that she was unable to find at the time or unable to find her own happiness at the time....

And humanizing her, she felt other people may be needed to make her happy and maybe tomorrow she will see that it is up to her to find happiness from within...

And learning to let go....I did a lot of work to pull data together to show her I knew so she could not deny deny deny.... and she would either leave the M or stay with the me --I think she never planned on leaving the M now, but she was so sneaky etc for 9 months and it pains me today and I feel stupid for not catching on earlier.... so I am working to let it go.....

Progress has been made but I still have a ways to go. I slept pretty good last night for the first time in weeks... or longer.....

My W is remorseful and friendly and nice etc today.... much better than the last few years... so trying to live in the moment.

Those are the handful of things I am working on.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Posts: 879
Are you working on anything that goes back to before the affair? It seems like all the focus is on dealing with the fallout of the affair, and nothing is about dealing with ways in which you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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hmmm...I am working on a couple of things, more supportive of my son and more listening or focused listening when my W talks. More helpful right away... like if she needs something done around the house..I do then versus next weekend...

that being said.... it seems that she became less happy over a a period of months and then distance herself from me emotionally--right now, she seems to own this part and not blaming me.... Although from reading these forums I know I need to do more on communication etc. But so far she is owning her drifting away to lack of happiness that maybe she owns...

She told me that -- she needed me to confront her about the A to shake her out of it.... actually she said, "I needed you to see through my avatar to the real me..." from that movie.... That helped her get back to me, end the A that day (luckily it was across the country) She said she felt like crap over the summer, she was not enjoying herself... so not quite sure what it was all about...yet.

I think she is still working through it... but appears to be happy to get a second chance at home.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
J
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J
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 357
Notice that everything you said you are working on directly goes back to her and what she wants or needs or has mentioned?

Don't work on you for her.


34, xw33
M-10, T-18
2D (8 and 5)
Ilybinilwy-1/16
EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend)
Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated)
W moved out-8/16
W Filed 11/21/16
D final 1/30/17
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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Steady,

You need to determine what made your M vulnerable to an A. You have faults in the M. We all do. If you fail to find the holes in the M, why it was vulnerable to an A, your role in those things and then do something to fix those issues, you will be back here again. I encourage you to dig deep and see what YOUR issues are. Talk to us about those and what you are doing to address them.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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I have thought about these comments and appreciate the help. i have also read and talked with a good friend about it...

My W it appears mostly thought she would get away with it... I would never find out...--she is a stay at home mom, has all the monetary things she needs, I bought her a Benz a last year for example... our two kids are healthy...but I needed her less I guess may be the main reason. Over the past year, she may have felt like I did not need her advice or support like I did years ago. I have two kids from a previous marriage and there was some help and support she provided me for that.

I work out and focus on work and in do other things already...and I feel as though that is balanced with my MR. I have talked with my W about all these things... the best she has come up with is, she was bored, thought it would never come out (since it was far away) she never thought the two lives would mix... She was not trying to replace me...

She is open to counseling... so that appears to be required to get to the details of what happened. She did not even think what she did would or could cause a divorce... A couple of months ago, I did the let you go speech and then later I have shared that couples divorce over this... it was as if she never even considered that...

It does appear she was in a fog during that discussion... she is more aware now. But now she cannot seem to think about how this happen....just bored and thought I would never find out...

She is being very nice to me over the past 7 weeks... sex all the time, waits on me etc....

We are financially comfortable... and I am calm etc... I was wondering if she was interested in the drama brought in by the OM... he evidently has a temper... and is not educated.. and a little crazy... the boyfriends she had before me I think fit into this category... I thought one of the reasons she started dating me because I was older than her, calm, mature, educated with a good job.

But all this would be my speculation... So I suppose our M would still be vulnerable to this.... if she learned that the grass is not greener... then perhaps we are good... but if she desires crazy in her life again... well.

I have read through the book and this forum... and my situation is not easy to diagnose... or maybe it is not bad enough to fit in... She had an A with a guy that would not be around.... she rarely goes back to her hometown... was ending it evidently... cut off communication gave me access....and is working hard to reconcile with me...

But I still need help with my fantasy life that went away.... even though I am 52, I feel like a kid, I believed she was my whole life and would always be there.... and then she threw it away over nothing.... So I have bitterness, lack of forgiveness, blame, etc... all things that a mature man could solve.... I am doing the work but sometimes I wonder if I will "be in love" with her like I used to be...

2x4's welcome


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Yes, it sounds like she was bored.

Has she ever expressed interest in going back to school, getting a job, going on an adventure? If so, are you supportive?

Are the two of you stuck in a rut in your relationship? When you spend time together, are you always doing the same things? When you go on vacation, is it always to the same place?

I get the feeling you aren't taking the boredom seriously, or you feel that only she can solve the boredom issue.

I encourage you to be more proactive in spicing up your life together.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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Posts: 111
Over the past few years, I have encouraged her to go back to school (she has a BS already) I have encouraged her to try different types of jobs, full or part time.... We spend time together from camping to disney.... And I am up for anything...

I take the boredom seriously today.... although I did not know she was bored before...She did not say she was bored until she was explaining....what happened.

Today I am spicing things up from the bedroom to going out with just the two of us... But also she has made this easy because she is up for trying new things and also is glad I gave this another chance...

Maybe Rose--as a female-- you can comment. How does boredom lead to this??? Evidently she was just FB texting a new friend ( A guy from 8th grade...who she had not seen since then) and then she was heading back to home town in June--so for the 6 months leading up to that, she must have gotten more and more in to the texting...

And then while visiting, decided to have the PA--assuming I would never find out...

For me, I cannot truly understand... I assume I can get to forgiveness... but I would never do this type of stuff ( I don't think) I have had a few women hit on me over the years, but I just walk away and not put myself in to a situation ....

So I do not understand how my W let it go this far... not sure if it matters either... today I mostly feel like she is not the person I thought I knew... in terms of integrity or deep love or something. So right now I just go through the motions and hope the feeling of love comes back...an adult love... Today, I just try to take care of her like a family member or if it was my daughter and she did something stupid... I would still take care of her....

I think my W can tell I am using this mechanism to keep going. And I think she is ok with it for now. She just wants to stay married to me. She has turned up the sex in the bedroom and the service and niceness outside the bedroom as well.

Oh and meant to mention... I think service is her main love style...And I think she was enjoying helping this OM with post divorce issues.... and she likes to help...

OK thanks Rose for the note and any thoughts appreciated.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
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