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Thanks brother. No there are very few who know what we are going thru. I think about and pray for the W and kids right before bed and right when I wake up every day.

Yesterday was filled with house cleaning and laundry. Did dinner with my father who is in helping with my grandmother. The tough part was that I kept getting pics from the W, the kids, and my SIL from their trip. Everyone except the W saying that I'm being missed. That makes it difficult.

Today will be reading, football, and hopefully bow hunting this afternoon.

2.5 day workweek this coming week and will try and enjoy the holiday, but I'm looking forward to 5pm next Saturday when I get to see the kids.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Posts: 1,654
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Even IF she missed you though unlikely yet, sheccould never let you know.It is in the WAS rulebook!!

Glad you are keeping busy


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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SBJ Offline OP
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roist...I totally understand that that is true at this point. Things are still so new and raw right now. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to drop the rope that I maybe think that I have held up by myself for so long. Kind of coming to grips with how one sided our M has been for so long hurts. But it also hurts replaying in my mind all that she has said about us. She may have felt negatively for a while, but to say she has felt a certain way for 20 years is just dumb and insulting.

I know that is why we are suppose to fill our time and our minds with new things, but it is still hard to ignore. I promise that I am not making up having a great marriage and a great life. I may have overlooked a couple of things, but we have built a happy life, and it is mind boggling that she is simply able to walk.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
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SBJ Offline OP
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Having a difficult time...my W keeps sending me pics of our kids having a good time and telling me that they are all doing well and having fun. While I am glad to see the pics and hear that they are doing good...it hurts. It hurts that I am not with them. It hurts that she is not more understanding as to how hard it is for me to not be there with them. It just hurts because I want nothing more than to be there as their dad and as her husband. It effing hurts.

I have enjoyed a relaxing weekend...watched football, did my house chores, had a couple of nice meals with my father, but also had to discuss the D with him as well. So, that kind of brought me back down to reality. I also received several texts from friends checking on me to make sure I am doing ok since they know the situation. I know I am suppose to fake it until I make it, but it is hard to keep my chin up all of the time.

My FIL invited me to dinner tonight and I am torn about going. I don't want it to turn into a pitty party. He is not in agreement with what my W is doing regarding the impending D, but as we all know...there is nothing he can do about it.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 461
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I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I think you shouldn't believe a word your wife said about the past, rewriting history is a common MLC symptom and that is why you are supposed to "believe nothing they say and half of what they do". This is vital for your sanity. It hurts to hear those horrible words but you must simply ignore them, like lies or fairytales.

I think you should concentrate on how happy the kids are instead of how much you miss them, their relationship to their mum is separate to yours, I know it's hard, but at least they are happy.

Take care


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Hi SBJ,

In response to your question on bttrfly post I would say that I did not embrace the divorce. I accepted it as just another step in the process.

After the divorce, I did not persue her. I would ask about things concerning the kids or taxes, always in a business like manner. I would always ask her how she was doing, again more business like, when ever we did talk. All communication was via text and kept short.

I truely think she thought the sun would shine, angels sing, etc. It came to her fairly quickly that she still was not happy. then she reached out.

You just have to wait it out.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
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"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
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I guess some of them are able to work thru this while staying in the house. Some of them separate while staying married while working thru it. And, some actually believe that they have to D before they will truly be happy.

I can only hope and pray that she will see and reach out. If not, I can only hope and pray that I can let go, move on, and be happy.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Millions have done it, you can to. LEt go of worrying about her, you have to save yourself first. Like in an airplane, first you have to put on your mask, only then can you rescue others...

I know this will sound funny, but at least for now you have to shelve your love for her and make yourself a priority (probably for the first time in your life). We have always been told that we mustn't be selfish,... But this it the exact time to be selfish and to take care of yourself first.

Stay strong buddy...

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You have to accept that every case of MLC is unique. Their are similarities, but no two work out the same. What you have to learn through all the lessons here is to just go on living your life and give her the room she needs to heal. Unfortunately, like a deep cut, there will be scares. the scares may be just a light blemish or they may be a huge ragged one. All you can do for her is to give her the time and patience to heal. Be available to help if she reaches out but don't expect anything in return. Let her see you continue to be a strong great father to your children.

If she reaches out to you, possibly asking you if you are happy answer her by asking if she wants to talk. When my ex asked me I said yes and no. Yes that I still had my daughters around me and that I could participate in their life. No, that I never wanted the divorce and that I had truely enjoyed being a husband. Even after that first talk don't expect or even want a sudden change. What I have seen is this usually ends up bad with the spouse running back into the tunnel. Take it slowly. Like I have said elsewhere it truely is like watching the grass grow. Enjoy the good moments when they come. Learn to read her enough to sense when she need space to process things. Continue to live your life and allow her the room she needs to heal.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
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Posts: 956
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I, for one, can attest to what Life Twists is saying. I have learned to view the D as part of the process. My experiences with XH this weekend have shown me that he still is not quite right, but his stressors are very big and numerous at the moment, from business to family. I make sure that I let him know by my actions and demeanor that I'm ok and even happy, but that I am a safe person to talk to. I do not contact him, but oportunities arise an I make the most of them. DBing is almost second nature at this point. Almost.

I, too, have struggled quite a bit with the pain of feeling left out of the "family fun". As my D's are grown, he has latched on to his EA's family as a surrogate (really has for years). I babysat her kids for years while she worked with my XH and now I am no longer a part of their lives...but XH spends most holidays with them. I only hear about things second hand, but I get the left out feeling with that and when he gets together with my own kids. I know receiving the pictures and texts are painful, but try this little technique (it is something that is finally helping me). When you get those pictures and texts, recognize your feelings are of jealousy of your W enjoying the kids and how unfair it is that you are not there to be a part of it...or whatever else you might be feeling. Then flip it and find the positives...and mentally thank her. Be grateful. Thank her for making sure that the kids are happy when they spend time with her. That she is trying to meet their needs and is a good mother. It could be worse...some MLCers ditch the kids. If you feel strong enough, and the feeling becomes authentic, you could even actually, briefly, thank her for those reasons when you see her. Its just psychology...negative thoughts lead to more negative feelings; positive leads to positive. It does hurt and is extremely painful, but you can only control your actions and how you react to things. It takes practice, but hey! The focus is on you right now. Its part of your PMA. Its why we focus on us, and this is a way of owning our reactions to feelings and changing them. Practice makes perfect.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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