She moved out...now the work begins...II

[CaliGuy]

While I know what all of you guys say is true, it is effing difficult. I know it can be done, but that is truly a 180 for me. I was always the one that was eager to do what she wanted or needed.

Lets look at this a bit deeper:
Would you say your happiness depended on hers? Would you find yourself hoping she would do something for you but be some what let down/disappointed when this never happened?

[SBJ]

I think I am still mainly confused at the speed at which things have moved. 4 months today was the BOMB Drop.

I'm angry that she doesn't think we can make our marriage work. I'm angry that she is being so selfish and thinks that our kids will get thru this unscathed. I'm angry that she thinks that she is only available to me as a friend. I'm angry that my MIL is enabling my W in this endeavor. I'm angry that I have given 25+ years of my life to my W that seem totally ungrateful to her. But, thru all of this I'm not "MAD", I'm just crushed and feel like a shell of a man.

In my wife's case...I have done all of those cooking type things for her forever. I made sure that she could eat it since she is GF and preservative-free. I am an early riser, so I woke my kids up daily for school and then greeted her with a cup of coffee to wake her up. I guess I was too much of the Mr. Nice Guy for her liking.

I want to (not really) be mad so that this separation might be easier to take. I want to be able to close off my feelings to her. I want to not find her so darned attractive. But I can not do any of those things...my love runs too deep.

Two things:
1. My W makes some great pancakes too and I surely miss them...I'm a breakfast any time kind of guy.
2. But why would you think that I'm not an "Male Escort"? Just kidding...haha!

[SBJ]

While I know what all of you guys say is true, it is effing difficult. I know it can be done, but that is truly a 180 for me. I was always the one that was eager to do what she wanted or needed.

Lets look at this a bit deeper:
Would you say your happiness depended on hers? Would you find yourself hoping she would do something for you but be some what let down/disappointed when this never happened?

CaliGuy...I don't think that my happiness depends on hers, I just like doing things for her. While I do think that a healthy relationship is two ppl giving of themselves unselfishly to each other, I know now that ours isn't like that. As stated earlier some are givers and some are takers. I do think that somewhere in the back of my mind I have been disappointed by her lack of giving in our relationship...not of materialistic things, but of herself. She is willing to give 100% of her time and energy to everyone who asks...just not to me.

A friend's H said he couldn't believe how much time my W spent volunteering. She told him that she can because SBJ picks up all of the slack for her and allows her to do it. Again...I do for my family because I can and I want to, but I realize now that she has abused that and taken me for granted. Maybe detaching will allow her to see that...or better yet, it will reinforce that to me I need to focus on me and my kids.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy...I don't think that my happiness depends on hers, I just like doing things for her. While I do think that a healthy relationship is two ppl giving of themselves unselfishly to each other, I know now that ours isn't like that. As stated earlier some are givers and some are takers. I do think that somewhere in the back of my mind I have been disappointed by her lack of giving in our relationship...not of materialistic things, but of herself. She is willing to give 100% of her time and energy to everyone who asks...just not to me.

A friend's H said he couldn't believe how much time my W spent volunteering. She told him that she can because SBJ picks up all of the slack for her and allows her to do it. Again...I do for my family because I can and I want to, but I realize now that she has abused that and taken me for granted. Maybe detaching will allow her to see that...or better yet, it will reinforce that to me I need to focus on me and my kids.

I am just trying to see if you had some of the issues I did. Reading a bit of your sitch I see a good chunk of mine there if you can see where I am going with the question I asked.

For me, I was not good at stating what I wanted/needed in the R, this lead to covert contracts and I was the one whom wound up a bit frustrated at BD not understanding how I did almost everything for her and it still was not enough. The mirror work started there and I discovered a TON about myself with the help of these prodding, persistent, sometimes PAI vets who really get where the root of some serious issues were for me.

[SBJ]

I totally understand...I was am still shocked about the same thing. I feel that I did everything for her for so long and neither one of us was good at communicating our needs with each other. She now says that she isn't in love with me and that there is no passion in our marriage...and she also says that we have always just been friends and that there hasn't ever been passion.

She is big on romance novels and romance movies...seems like she is looking for something that is not centered in reality. I can only speculate that her EA opened up those feelings that we once had...25 years ago...and stirred something up. Now she says that she will never want to be with me again intimately. Talk about deflating.

[ForeverYoung]

But, thru all of this I'm not "MAD", I'm just crushed and feel like a shell of a man.

Completely understandable. But can you see how your wife knowing and seeing this makes you even less attractive to her? That's why you have to fake it 'til you make it. Eventually you WILL make it. Yes, it is extremely difficult, but you can do it. You want her, sure, but you don't need her. <<<Getting here actually gives your M the best chance.

I guess I was too much of the Mr. Nice Guy for her liking.

Don't waste too much time blaming yourself for her crisis. It would have happened no matter what you did or didn't do. It's about her, not you or the marriage.

My W makes some great pancakes too and I surely miss them...I'm a breakfast any time kind of guy.

Ok, so now it's time to learn how to make better pancakes! mmmm, pancakes.

[SBJ]

Just got a call from the W...she has heard back from her attorney and he has the D papers ready. She wants to know if I will just sign them with her at his office so that we can avoid paying alot of $$$, have it done quickly, and avoid going to the temporary hearing. She keeps saying that neither of us is trying to keep something from the other or hurt the other one. I'm so bummed.

She has to pull this crap right before I take a long weekend to get away for myself. She is acting like this is no big deal and that everything is great. Pisses me off. I have given all of myself to my marriage and she is flushing it down the crapper.

I guess I was hoping that she would just wake up and that we would be able to escape the D. I don't want to quit on her...why is she wanting out so fast? It's a bummer for sure.

[j20a00g]

There is zero rush. Request that she get a copy of the papers for you to take some time to look over as you don't just want to feel pressured to just sign without really reading at the attorneys office

[j20a00g]

There is zero rush. Request that she get a copy of the papers for you to take some time to look over as you don't just want to feel pressured to just sign without really reading at the attorneys office

[SBJ]

I told her that I wanted to think about it this weekend and I'd let her know Monday when I got back to work. I have spoken to a L, but do not have one on retainer. Like I said, I guess I was hoping for some divine intervention in my M.