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It's easy to want to add just one more reply, but as you probably agree having a short 100% good exchange beats easily one that ends on a lower note.

Don't stress over how it finished. Just be mindful next time to not try to prolong it.

Plus there are hundreds of reasons not to do with you that texting replies died down quickly.
1. Problem with his phone.
2. Lost signal.
3. Got tired.
4. Headache.
5 match on TV.
6. Talking to you inspired a great Christmas present for you and he had to go get it immediately

Etc etc. Maybe it is none of the above but there are reasons other than shutting you out. And even if he did want to stop chatting with you there are umpteen reasons too.

Don't assume the worst. But do leave it up to him to dictate this.

And maybe he is giving you what you asked for before going dark. It is possible.If so that is great, BUT he maybe still unsure. So absolutely no pressure is key.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thanks everyone for your comments. H eventually responded to my text on Saurday morning! I've learned my lesson and Roist I agree it could be any of a number of reasons why he didn't come back to me. I've just got to stop building stories in my head!

Long post alert!

Journaling - Did some GAL on Saturday. I met a friend for breakfast and she brought her scrumptious 5 month old son. I could have stayed cuddling him all day! Me and D then went to look for prom dresses later on in the day. She looked stunning in everything she tried on and got lots of lovely comments from other customers in the store. She has chosen her dress now and is very happy! Then the weekend went downhill from there on...

When I returned from prom dress shopping I noticed I had a text from the wife of H's friend. The one who told me she was fed up of my self pity, blah, blah, blah... I haven't spoken to her since September, mainly because I was really hurt by her comments but also I decided to stay away as I still feel quite raw from everything so I wouldn't be much good to her. The text started off asking how me and D were and went on to tell me that H had been over at their's that morning helping them move some furniture and he mentioned that we had met for coffee. She said that she was so happy that H and I were able to remain as friends.

I was sooo annoyed with this text. Why you might ask? First of all I asked H to not tell anyone about us meeting for coffee because I didn't want all the gossip. Secondly H has never helped me with anything since he left and thirdly I realise I do not want H as a friend. I asked her if H had told her we were just friends and she said that it was just an assumption on her part. I reminded her that we are still married and I met my husband for a coffee and not a 'friend'. I do think she wants me and H to maintain the status quo so she it can make it easier for her.

Anyway H asked me to call to let him know how the prom dress shopping went and although I was seething I was very pleasant when I explained how we got on and then I let him have it, both barrels. I couldn't help it, I was so mad that he let me down by telling our friend about coffee. It all came flooding out. I told him how I do not want to be his friend, how he had abandoned us/me, how easy we made it for him to move on, how we should have a chance to draw a line under the past and try to rebuild, how I thought his behaviour in ignoring my texts or not answering for hours/days was passive aggressive. I think that shocked him. I asked him again if there was anyone else and he said no. He said he didn't want to come back and I told him I agree that he shouldn't come back but that it didn't mean we couldn't start to rebuild our marriage whilst we live apart. He waivered and I asked him if we could talk and he said he would see us today after work. Afterwards I was a mess. D was so angry with me! She told me there was no point in DB'ng if I just did the opposite of what I have been advised to do. I was ashamed as I had cried a lot down the phone to H. Sunday was a write off! D cancelled brunch with H as she was annoyed that he still didn't want to try to fix our family. We just hunkered down together and licked our wounds.

Now I can count on one hand the amount of texts H initiated since May but early Monday morning I got a text saying 'Morning! Shall I bring pudding tomorrow night?' Wow I was shocked to say the least and then we had some really nice text exchange about house stuff but it wasn't the usual business like texts it was like I was texting the sold H.

So tonight H came over straight from work. He brought pudding and Christms chocolate and lottery cards to make our traditional advent calendar. We were sad that it was just for me and D but pleased that he had remembered our tradition. He then went up into the loft to get our Christmas decorations down. He changed into some joggers and a pair of trainers he found in his wardrobe and got to work to bring everything down. He then asked if he could buy us a Christmas tree and has offered to take us on Sunday. He has also agreed to start coming over again once a week and also for me and him to go out once a week. He left his joggers and trainers back in the wardrobe...

After H left I got a text pretty soon after he must have got in to his flat to thank me for dinner and to say that he will pay for D's joint Christmas/birthday present if I pay for the prom dress. I think the present is much more than the dress. Again, this is the first time he has initiated a text after we have seen him.

I feel a little like something has slightly shifted but I don't know what as yet. D told me tonight that although she was upset with my outburst on Saturday it might actually have been a good thing because we all seem to have relaxed a bit and things weren't so tense this time around.

I'm looking forward to getting the tree on Sunday and we are also going to grab some lunch. Tonight I also got three kisses on the lips from H throughout the evening... blush


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Wow Coly, that's quite an update. I'm not sure what to make of all of it. Isn't it interesting? A month or so ago, I would have been jealous and thought "I'd KILL for meetups and kisses!"
Now, not jealous, just hopeful and happy for you, with a dollop of concern that vets might add to.
The trainers detail is interesting to me. There's maybe three things H accidentally left here. He took every last single thing that was his. And gifts, stuff we bought together, he left. So I do have the lion's share of 'nice stuff', he took every speck of his, which I over-analyze too often, especially comparing that to people on this board like you, where we know they left tons of stuff behind.
Anyway good to hear from you Coly, try to keep calm and validate!


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Coly - my dear sweet friend - I don't know what to say. Some goodness happened? I'm proud of you for the venting / being the real you. Sometimes we hold it all in so tight afraid of giving offence and that isn't healthy either.

Fingers crossed for you. I wish we could share pictures so that I could see how fabulous D15 looks in her prom dress.


On BD
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S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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It's not a huge mistake IMO. It is contrary to DB principles about keeping your cards close to your chest. Breaking down and being emotional is not attractive,so try to avoid further episodes. That being said emotions are all part of being human. Being human is good. Don't dwell on that.

Letting out emotions is liberating and is helpful for you. We are like emotional pressure cookers and pent up emotions do cause us to come under pressure. The key is to find the release valve to reduce the pressure.
Look into ways you can release this pressure before exploding.

Job can correct me if I am wrong, but IMO sometimes being open and honest regardless of the aftermath can be useful. As long as it is not love proclamations or pleading to come back. Stating your miscontent with current situation instead of just supporting it in silence, widens their view of the M. It creats a doubt that you will always be available later. Plus it shows you value yourself. Most spouses may view this as pressure and bolt.

The fact that your H hasn't is good BUT it will take him time to assimilate this and fully contemplate his long-term reaction. His knee jerk reaction was in the right direction but take it slow to see if his actions continue that way.

Lastly reign in those expectations. Keep them low and slow. I am o, t. t trying to dishearten you. This is positive, but he is not committed yet.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
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Coly,

I really like roist's posting to you. Your expectations need to remain very, very low and keep things on the slow track. Your h isn't baked up fully yet and it's going to take some time for that to happen. Also, just be mindful that the holiday season is starting to gear up and many of the MLCers do tend to be more present in our lives at this time of the year and then disappear after the holiday season. So, please do not put all of your eggs in one basket...keep some hopes in reserve for now. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but I don't want your expectations to get so high that if he does distance himself again you won't be disappointed and hurt.

Now, about your friend. You can respond to all of her questions honestly...but don't discuss your relationship w/her any more. If she asks about it, advise her that it is a work in progress. I find that when people tell me that my xh has done something or asks about him, I just tell them I am not discussing that part of my life w/anyone. Generally, the old saying goes "a dog who brings a bone and will carry a bone", i.e., in other words, a person who tells you things will also take what you've told them and share it w/others, i.e., possibly your h.

I know you get discouraged and frustrated, however, that's why we call it the MLC Rollercoaster of emotions. One day is up, the next is down. You need to detach a bit more and keep moving forward. If your h wants back, he's got a lot of work to win your heart over again. Don't be too quick in taking him back w/o him doing the hard work.

He's inching his way along, don't rush the process and give him plenty of time and space to miss you and your daughter and the life you had together. He's definitely not baked up and ready to commit just yet.


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Wow Coly...nice update. smile I hope for your sake that things go the way you want them but try not to get your expectations up too much!! You never know what our S's will do....I am hoping for the best!!! Stay strong and take it SLOW!!! ((hugs))


W:42 M:48
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thank you for your comments everyone!

Altair, I'm confused about the clothes and stuff as well. I wonder if he doesn't want any of it as it represents his past. IDK, he's had so many opportunities to take it all.

Andrew, I was definitely wound very tightly and it only took that one text for the spring to suddenly unwind out of control. The anxiety I feel from keeping everything in is so great sometimes that I wonder if it is worth it. I certainly would rather I was in control when I said everything but it all happend so fast!

I wish I could share with you all how D looked in her prom dress too!

Roist, I'm afraid there was a little bit of pleading but mostly me getting very angry at the way he is treating me. I didn't plead for him to come back though because I know that it wouldn't work if he did as he is not ready but I did ask for us to have another chance to work on our marriage. IDK if it pushed him into some sort of action but what I do know is that H would let everything drift if he had the chance and it is causing me a lot of anxiety.

Job, I do think the time of the year has a lot to do with it but mostly I think it's because it is D's birthday. H doesn't get sentimental about Christmas at all really. As for our friend, I'm not talking to her at the moment. I would rather stay out of her way than let her have an excuse to tell me I should be over it by now.

Hawker, keeping expectations low but enjoying the increased contact with H. He seems less tense now. I think we all do.

So I got another text from H this morning to say my car is due its annual MOT and did I want to meet for coffee to have a chat about it. So we met for coffee at lunchtime and he told me that he would take my car to the garage for me next week and pay for the MOT. After Christmas he will arrange for a service as he cant afford it this side of Christmas. H has a company car so doesn't need to pay anything so I think he feels guilty! Oh well, he doesn't pay for anything towards the house so I'm not going to refuse his help.

We also discussed how upset D looked when H had asked her to help him put all the chocolate and lottery cards into the pockets of the Advent calendar. Usually everything is in threes as there are three of us. So the first three days of December will have chocolate Santas then the next three days will be lottery cards and so on but because it is only me and D at home she set it out for just the two of us while H watched her with a puzzled look on his face. When she finished he went to hang it up and I noticed he was swapping things around and I thought he was doing it to make sure she had a chocolate Santa on her birthday but when I looked he had set it out in threes again! I just thought it had to be that way for her to have the Santa on her birthday but when I mentioned it at coffee he said that D can have his chocolate but to save his lottery cards for when he came over! So H has included himself in the Advent calendar even though he doesn't live here! Very strange behaviour indeed!

I also mentioned that we are going to my Sister's for Christmas day and he very unenthusiastically said he will probably go to his brother's house although he hadn't arranged anything. I did ask if he wanted to come to dinner on Christmas Eve and he accepted but said he would also like to come over on Christmas morning. I offered for him to stay in the spare room on Christmas Eve and he accepted.

H also told me that he is not going to go to his Company Christmas dinner and as his department Christmas dinner falls on D's birthday he isn't going to that either. I think to a little sad really as he has always enjoyed going out at Chrustmas! He has also offered to make D her birthday cake. I know it sounds strange but he is a very good baker and cake decorator!

Anyway enough of H! I've got my first office Christmas office dinner tomorrow. I've got my Christmas jumper ready but can't partake in any drinkies as not only is it a school night but I've got to be up early on Friday to go into London, rubbish!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly,

I think you are finally getting it. Anything that your h does for you and your daughter...be sure to acknowledge those gestures w/a thank you. He needs to know that his acts of kindness are being recognized and appreciated.

I believe your h is cooking up nicely. Don't rush the process. Allow him to come to you and whatever you do, keep your expectations very, very low.

Continue moving forward!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thank you Job, I certainly have been thanking him for everything he is doing for us as I really do appreciate it.

I've backed off now until I see him Sunday unless he contacts me before. I'm treating him like a frightened squirrel. He seems to have moved towards the food in my hand but is still a little frightened or too stubborn to take it!

D mentioned this evening that we should make every visit he has with us really enjoyable so he will want to keep coming back. Yep, that's exactly what I am going to try and do!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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