Coffee and spinning

[AndrewP]

Coly/Altair

Its odd for me as Christmas comes up too. One thing that might be different is that for the last couple of years especially Christmas hasn't been as big of a deal for W but it always has been for me <long story about W and her family and Christmas redacted>.

For me it's been somewhat freeing this year. A bunch of things that we used to "always do" such as waiting until December for decorating and such no longer apply. I already have some decorations up now and it feels good. I've also usually been disappointed with what I've gotten for Christmas but this year I'll be buying some things for myself - I'm thinking new flannel PJs - wrapping them and putting them under the tree for Christmas morning which I am hoping to be able to spend with S22 in person and D24 remotely. No card or present is planned for W so that frees up a fair amount of money in the Christmas budget for me.

So - don't look at it standing backwards looking at last Christmas, look at it forward and think "what do I want to do that I couldn't before". Then find some Bing Crosby, crank it up and get a batch of cookies (home made or from the bakery) and put on some jolly. Later sit down with a nice glass of 'nog and see if you can find the Alistair Sims version of a Christmas Carol - I personally adore that version and will be watching it myself.

I do feel sorry for our spouses - we are here knowing that we are great people and that we can openly share our love for each other and the world. They are trapped in their squirrel tunnels looking out at what they are missing. I feel particularly bad for my W because she does actually love the Christmas. The ornaments that we used to hang that showed our love for each other will stay in the box alongside her stocking which I have filled with treats for more than half her life. None of those things or those memories are with her which whenever I think about it makes me sad and want to rescue her but then I remember that I've been fired from that job just like you have too.

Know too - we're here for you love. Sometimes we have to paint on our smiles.

(((Coly23)))

[Altair]

Question about Thanksgiving (realizing now why AP and Coly aren't posting/stressing about tomorrow OOPS)
Just in case/being hopeful:
what do i do if I get the 'happy tday hope you are well text?' do i ignore or respond with one short text? (reminder: his choice for us not to talk "for awhile so he can sort out his feelings" I'm tellin ya, he is DBing me- WTH?)

He'll be nearby, with his family (I went last year). I assume no invite for me for any of the family stuff :(, just wondering best idea if i do get a text tomorrow or over the next month or two. Hugs, thanks for the hijack...

[peacetoday]

Altair

I would respond cordiallyand very brief, but maybe take your time

Happy T

[Surfer]

Coly

Stop being so hard on yourself. Spinning I guess. Give yourself a break. Look at your intent, your endeavours, your integrity. Caring for your M, D, you and an undeserving H (at times). Stop the cycling. Only you can.

Moving forward. Christmas will be different for many this year. Me and kids too. However, I am going to ask W what she feels would work best as I have kids Christmas Day and Christmas Eve. She is welcome but will need to put kids first. Hopefully she will. If she doesn't then I will shower them with love and fun.

Yes it's going to be different. It different can be good and would be a damn site better than her still here and spewing etc.

Keep that chin up.

Surfer.

[Rose888]

Altair

I would respond cordiallyand very brief, but maybe take your time

Happy T

I agree with all of this--cordial, brief, and with a delay in response.

[Rose888]

Coly, I agree with he others. Don't beat yourself up. None of us were or are perfect.

Have you sat down with your daughter and talked about what is important to each of you about the holiday season? I second the suggestions to be open to trying things you didn't feel able to do when you were with H.

[Coly23]

Thank you, thank you all so much for your support. I've managed to climb down off the ceiling after reading here and D telling me that everything will be ok. I don't know what I would do without you all!

Sosad, thanks for visiting. I think I am dreading Christmas because H made so many traditions for us like making our own advent calendar and Christmas crackers. I will miss that so much. I love your puppy story. I am worried that I will end up doing all the work if we do get one and I'm a tad squeamish when it comes to the bodily functions of any animal!

Sotto, If it wasn't for D I think I would have booked into a retreat somwhere far away until the festive season was all over! I still can't stop blaming myself for what happened you know and I'm finding it hard to forgive myself. I hate the fact that I'm such a worrier and I get stressed when things aren't gong my way and I think I put that into my H too. I think he just wants a quiet lijpfe and I complicated it for him too much.

This weekend in taking D to look for prom dresses and then going to lunch at my older sister's for bil's birthday. How about you?

Altair, how are you doing? I feel like I am letting the side down with all my spinning! I do sometimes feel foolish when I realise that in the scheme of things I really haven't got it that bad. I think your right though, I need to block thoughts of him out of my head although that is easier said than done! I think I am also mad at myself for breaking NC. I don't think I had days as bad as this during the seven weeks I did it. I'm going to go back over my thread to see but I'm sure I felt better. I think it's the hope that seeing him again brings....

Darkness, your right I shouldn't have said anything about the Christmas market, I really wish I hadn't. I think I need to go back to being dark again it helped with my anxiety before so it's obviously a good thing.

Andrew, thank you for your post. I like the idea of buying myself something and putting it under the Christmas tree too! I think as I said to Altair, I need to block him out if my thoughts. At the moment my thoughts are of him visiting our friends with gifts for their kids and getting comfortable under their Christmas table while they make a fuss if him. It makes me mad and sad that we no longer count as his family or even friends.

Hey Surfer, thanks for stopping by. I do feel very stuck at the moment. Sometimes the hurt I feel is so overwhelming I don't know what to do with myself. But especially now, coming up to Christmas, I feel my emotions becoming unstuck. I think it helps having my D around though. At least I know I have to make it special for her....

[Sotto]

Keeping a journal and meditation both really helped me in the early days with spinning thoughts. The meditation helps calm them a little and the journaling helps get them out of your brain. I don't journal much nowadays, but I do still meditate - particularly when I find my stress levels rising.

Did you carry on with the yoga? I really recommend that...

Xx

[job]

Coly,

So, you mentioned the Christmas Market. Now, you need to leave it be. You may not realize it, but you are trying to rush things a bit in the hopes that he'll want to pursue you and reconcile quickly. You don't want to come across as being "needy" in wanting to spend time w/him. He's got to figure out himself and come to realize that you and your D are the ones that he wants to be w/on his own. Put the brakes on pursuing. If you don't he's going to pull back. Go back and re-read the thread on Pursuit and Distance...it might help you a bit more the second time around reading it.

Go out and have some fun w/your D this weekend. Looking for prom dresses should be a fun time and just bonding w/your daughter over this special event will create some new memories to cherish later on.

Now, about Christmas, make some new traditions. This year is going to be a different type of Christmas because your h won't be there, so it's up to you and your D to make new traditions and ones that you can enjoy. Put your tree up in a different spot, change the decorations up a bit, plan to go out to a museum or a movie or better yet, invite some friends over for hot cider and munchies. Visit the hospital ward for children, a nursing home, work the cafeteria line at a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. There are so many people out there that could use your support and help this holiday season. Whatever you do, do not sit at home and brood.

As for your h, don't mind read. They may appear happy, but I can assure you that they aren't. They aren't going to be much fun to be around when they visit family and friends. They'll feel uncomfortable because the memories of yesteryear will come creeping in and they sure can't fight those happy memories for very long. I can attest to this because my xh walked out 12 days before Christmas and I was told just how he behaved and it wasn't what I thought he would behave.

Now, you've got some ideas...what are you planning to do in the way of new traditions this year?

Coly, feel the pain, cry, yell or beat the stuffing out of a pillow and then let it go. Each and every time you do this, it is a way of healing. I know you can do this. One last thing, do not initiate any contact w/your h. Allow him to come to you and it's okay to mention that you and your D are doing things...but at this time, I wouldn't stick my neck out too far and invite him along...he can't miss you and your D or the many wonderful things you do together if he's still right there in the mix. He needs some alone time and lots of space to realize that home is where his heart should be.

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - Just a thought on "spinning". I'm wasn't completely sure what you meant by it originally but I think I might now.

Back in September I fell ill and had a high fever. As I lay there in bed terrified and alone, different scenarios involving W and her family kept running over and over through my brain - as if the same short video kept playing but with minor changes and I was stuck in it playing a part. My IC had given me some "mindfulness tools". First I had to recognize that what was going through my brain wasn't real and wasn't happening and that it was just thoughts spinning around. Then I used a mental image of a scrub brush as if I was scrubbing the film from the mental TV and putting it aside. I also tried Monty Python screen transitions but that didn't work as well for me. I do like scrubbing and making things clean though. It didn't work for long but I did get better and better at it and by the second day when I started feeling better I could actually focus on things.

I don't know if this is the sort of "spinning" you are having but if so, maybe a similar compartmentalizing then conscious removal may work for you.

Take care and gobble some turkey for me.