Hi Coly, I'm glad you had a great day yesterday. Maybe you and your D could do some volunteer dog walking for a little while and see how you feel?
As for your H, one of the challenges for all of us is to let go of needing to have our needs met by our spouses. He isn't in touch because he really doesn't have that to offer now. And if we poke and prod, it just makes things worse.
Maybe just say to yourself - next week will be an H free week. I'll just let him toss in the wind and I'll do some nice things for me. If he's in touch, no problem - but otherwise, just go about your business.
I understand how you feel about the holidays and I do think the first year has to be 'got through' rather than enjoyed. But I hope you will make some nice plans with friends and family and get through it as best you can. We of course will be here too.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend :-) x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think it is great you went to a rescue to find a dog and not buying one!! ;-) I think Sotto has a good idea, go walks some dogs with your D and see how they interact maybe? Puppies do take alot of work, and I also know Senior dogs don't get adopted usually. (My friend works at a rescue). I have 3 rescue dogs and they are awesome!!! One is skiddish around kids but the other 2 are fine. My friends have 8 rescue dogs...hahaha....I think the staff would help you out on a good fit!
(((hugs))
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Oh! And my other suggestion is - are you aware of the 'borrow my dog' website? I know we can't post links....but you may want to have a look. You can search for local owners and doggies who may need walking etc.
When XH and me were together, we regularly walked a neighbour's dog. It helped her as she was 80 and loved the companionship, but struggled with the walking regime. For us, it was great as we got to do the whole family and puppy walking without the full time commitment.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Coly23 - Sorry for not visiting recently. I hope you are doing better today. It's perfectly reasonable to feel anxious right now about all sorts of things - I certainly do myself.
Bringing in a new family member like a dog is a big responsibility. My D24 and her H just adopted a 2 year-old who seems to be fitting in well. An crucial thing in my mind though is that I believe that a well-trained dog is a joy to their family and themselves. Sadly W's dog isn't - but she took him with her so not my problem. If you do want to continue on this path perhaps look for an older dog that is already trained and perhaps belonged to a senior. They will often be hard to place because people don't want older dogs - ask at the rescue centre about that perhaps. Being able to move from their existing home right into yours would be a lot less stressful for the poor pup. Ex-show dogs sometimes come available as well and are generally incredibly well trained. Even more than training the dog, the "puppy parent" has to be trained even better. Perhaps investigate that first with D15 - make it a project.
The birthday will be fine - you can do this. What does D15 want to do? Make it a small adventure with the two of you and a D15 friend. Don't plan it around H but maybe let him know what's happening, that you've got it under control and that you'll send him a picture (job can perhaps clarify if that's a good idea or not).
I'm going to pretend that I'm job now (no giggles please imagining job with a mustache and bow tie) and remind you that your H is on his own journey and is still baking. You won't hear from him any more than I hear from my own W while that's happening. Even occasional messages from them probably cost them a lot of effort to send. The best thing you can do for him and for you and D15 is to leave him be. He may pop up around Christmas and the birthday but just think of that as a "squirrel sighting", don't scare him, let him look around and then go back into the oven to bake some more. You are his lighthouse - keep shining my dear - there's lots around you to see. It's a great big beautiful world.
Thanks for the cuppa - see you again soon.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Coly, I think it's perfectly normal to feel anxious about the holiday's coming up. The unknown is a scary thing. One thing my IC told me to remember is the lack of say stress or tension that comes with the holidays. Perhaps throughout out your holidays you and H may have had tension or you worrying about this or that with H, you won't have that anymore. I know in my case since W and I are from two different cultures with a different language there was always a worry is my W understanding what's going on, is W enjoying my family, are my nieces and nephews including SD as one of "them"? little things like that I will not have to worry about but can instead enjoy my visit. Just something to consider. hang in there, you're doing great!
Thanks for your comments everyone! The jury is still out about the dog although I get daily puppy pictures from D in the hope that they will win me over!!!
Journaling:
Really not doing good at the moment. This time last year we were getting excited about Christmas although I now realise that H wasn't. I am so mad at myself that I used to get so controlling and worry about such trivial things at this time of the year. I regret it so much and wish that writing Christmas cards was my only worry this year. No, in fact i yearn for that now. I just feel so pathetic.
H is probably happy that he doesn't have to put with me this year. He can just enjoy the festive season without all the stress that comes from me. I hate myself so much at the moment.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
First time commenting on a another person's thread so please bare with me...
I really understand where you are coming from. The bit you wrote in journaling I could have written word for word this morning as well. Coming up to Christmas is a particularly difficult time as it normally is such a happy family time...my kids and I have decided to do something completely different than normal this year so hopefully it will help. However, there will be a huge void where my H should be!
As far as getting a puppy...my H and I got a puppy ten days before BD and if I had to do it over, I would not have gotten him even though he is a lovely dog. My kids are a bit older than yours and were away at university so I was left to try to look after him and try to train him...I was in no shape to do that so he still pees on the floor every night even though he is now a year old. Every morning I step in a puddle:) Having said that he is a huge comfort/distraction for my kids...so maybe rescue dog that is already trained would be a better option...
Hi Coly, I share the regrets about stressing over trivia and that impacting on our daily life. Don't beat yourself up over it, but it is useful learning. I have certainly become more relaxed about 'small stuff' and it does make life a little easier and improves my relationships with others.
Try not to mind read about your H - who knows if he is looking forward to the festive season without 'your stress.' He may be dreading the holidays....there may be things he misses...who knows...
For me, in the first festive season, I didn't want to see anything relating to Xmas. I just didn't feel like doing it. It helped me to think of it less as 'the festive season' and more as a single day - on which I had plans and would get through - and I did - as will you..
Whilst introspection is helpful and it is good to recognise your part, do also try to forgive yourself for not being a perfect wife. We are all flawed, unique and beautiful individuals and that makes the world go round. Try to speak to yourself as a compassionate friend would do - we can all be harsh self-critics at times...
I do hope you feel a little better soon. Do you have any nice plans this week?
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Coly, Don't do this to me Coly, I need you in the game! we can do this. A couple of pointers: you really should focus on D now. She'll leave for college so these times are precious! I read somewhere, maybe here, to volunteer, do soup kitchen work, whatever to realize how good we have it. I am going to see if I can do that. I'll let vets confirm but I think it is a bad idea for us both to re-examine last holiday season. I know I am entering dangerous waters when I do it myself, it fills me with an incredible sadness. I'm trying to take Job's suggestion, of, what if H had died? How would things be different now? I think it helps. In that frame of mind, he's not mad at me, having more fun than me, or anything. He's just gone. And here I am, in my life, building anew.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
