H has been gone since May 2016. Not much going on in the sitch really. I went dark for seven weeks and then met H for coffee last week. It put me all in a tiz and after H suggesting we meet again this week I have cancelled on everyone's advice here as I just i don't think I am strong enough.
I think I really need to go back to being dark again. It's going to be so hard and I am sat here at work and I can feel the tears welling up. I just want this feeling to end but it doesn't matter what I do these feeling if hurt, disappointment and anger are so overwhelming sometimes.
H just texted me back and said no worries and then told me he has cacelled his gym membership which I was paying for. I just really need to talk to him about everything. I don't know if I can take this silence anymore....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hugs to you this morning. Talking to him will not help to settle your emotions/feelings. You are hurting and disappointed w/what is happening right now. If you need to cry, then cry. Tears help us to heal too. I remember so well having this feeling of needing to talk to my xh about everything. I can honestly say, it didn't go well and I was hurt even more so by doing so because he continued to lash out and still wanted to remain separated and a divorce.
Come here to vent, talk or just to say "hey". I do not think your h is ready to talk to you about the relationship. I am glad that you are no longer paying his gym membership, but they do like to remind us in some ways that they are cutting ties w/us, i.e., by telling us that they are canceling this or that. Please do not take it personally. He is following the path of many others and they think by doing such things that it will erase us from their lives...it doesn't.
Take a deep breath! Give him time to do what he needs to do and you will have another chance to touch base w/him the weeks ahead...after all the holidays are coming and you'll want to wish him well when they arrive. For now, just leave him be. Take yourself out for a coffee later. Stay positive! At least he's not acting like a mean monster (like some of them turn into).
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel so hopeless again. I'm trying so hard to move forward but I feel like their is a mountain in the way and I'm having to go around and it's taking such a long time. I jut don't want to do this anymore....
If it helps at all Coly23 know that you are very much not alone on this. I hope that these aren't echos of my own doubts that are echoing in your head.
There were a few things that were said to me at this similar stage that helped me - maybe they'll help you. - Is your life much different standing vs not standing? Live your life for yourself and not dependant on this question. - You don't have to decide everything right now. Make your choice of standing vs not standing one day at a time. If you do wake up one morning and KNOW that you are done and that you won't change your mind, then on that day you're done. I believe that for both of us that that day isn't today.
Yes there's a mountain in front of you just like there is in front of me. Maybe we need to look in a different direction. There's a lot more landscape out there to explore and while it is pretty much the most important thing ever, there is more in the world than love. There is also joy. I remember on the morning after BD2 that I made the conscious decision to find and cherish one thing of Joy each and every day. This morning it's lifting the spirits of a dear friend and a warm cat on my lap (Two bits of joy!)
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Stopping by to check on you...Andrew is right you are not alone...we are all here for you...it is a LONG process and I know how you feel. Maybe you feel worse because you saw him? I always take a step backwards when I see my W. I was doing really good moving forward and then today she talked to me for a minute at school...ugh...it is hard! I agree you will know when you want to stop fighting. Take some time, you don't need to make any decisions right now.
Hang in there!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Just try to take care of yourself..It is very hard to keep up the R with them while they are in MLC so we move through many stages..b4 we get to acceptance Your D will learn coping skills from you it will make her stronger,,and you will be ok The pain will ease--promise
Going though it is difficult..we only have to do this once-we get through it and its over grief may take 18 months..If we avoid it , it will come up again so Job said it Feel it...allow it..lean into it..It will pass once we fully feel it and it may come again until we are on the other side and we all get there- listen to tapes or speakers, get support from women,,find groups or therapy find spiritual help, exercise, rest breathe
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Coly, this is interesting to me- that seeing him physically triggers so much. I know I am in the same boat- when I saw H on the street weeks ago it really made me upset. Moving forward, I will have to consider all of this carefully in my actions...
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Coly, this is interesting to me- that seeing him physically triggers so much. I know I am in the same boat- when I saw H on the street weeks ago it really made me upset. Moving forward, I will have to consider all of this carefully in my actions...
Absolutely. It's like a physical tug to my insides for me which is why I try so hard to avoid it. I've never suffered from withdrawal of addiction to substances etc but I imagine that it feels like this - seeing something you want and knowing you can't have it. Even seeing what she does on Facebook some days will give me a twinge. It used to be that talking about her, hearing about her had the same effect but that seems to have died down.
Personally I've made the choice that I don't want to see or talk with my W until she's "done baking". That's reduced the "need" to see her / snoop but it's still not easy.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am sorry things are still so hard. I agree with the others; allow yourself to feel the sadness, the hurt, the anger and then allow yourself to set it aside. As you can set it aside longer and longer, you can adapt your life to a life without him. Right now, he is controlling your thoughts and emotions.
With each interaction (even thinking about it) you have with him, you have more anxiety and hurt. I think that is because you are not safe to be yourself with him anymore--you have to be this person that is okay, resolved, and even content--and that is not staying true to your heart.
It is eating you up that you just don't know what happened and why. And so naturally you assume, that by having more information, may come some relief. He may be having a MLC, he may not. He may be having an affair, he may not. He may be confused and questioning if this is a mistake, or he may believe he has made the right decision and knows that he will never return to the marriage. He may miss you and think about you often, or he may feel guilty for hurting you and that is his only reason for being friendly....
So where am I going with all of this? Well, it is very likely that at least one of the above is true. However, none of us know. You may never know. However, I want to assure you that knowing will not necessarily bring you relief. In fact, if you were to learn that any of those things were true, still none of them (the positive or negative) will ensure that he will come back. Ultimately, you are looking for hope. Information is not hope, and it is more than likely going to be dissapointment.
I am not sure if this is helpful or more hurtful. I guess my point is that it is not the knowing vs not knowing that is causing your pain. Your pain is simply due to the fact that he abandoned you and gave up on you. It is terribly painful and traumatic. When you gave him your vows, you also gave him the power to break your heart and hurt you. We all did. It was a sacrifice we were willing to make.
But here is the good news. It is not now, and will never be, him that has the power to heal you. That is only you and will ever only be you. Whether he comes back tomorrow, or you never see him again, it is still YOU that can start that process. It is you that will get stronger and learn to love yourself like never before. It is YOU that will learn to love others again. When you are ready to let him go and pick yourself up, you will live a life better than you could ever imagine. He, nor any man, will ever get to decide your worth again. Some wo(men) never get the opportunity to learn this.
It has taken me many years on this painful journey, and I learn new things all the time, but this, THESE words above, I know they are true. I do not love my H the way I did before--heck, I may never--but I love myself more than I ever thought I could. Look at what I have been through? That makes me a survivor in my book.
(((Coly))) You have all the time in the world. You will get there too.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Morning everyone! Thank you all for your posts. I had to have a bit of time away from here just to recenter myself so apologies for not responding.
Job - thanks for linking my previous thread! I agree that he is not ready to have an R talk and I guess neither am I. Sometimes I just want him to take some action to get it over and done with. I know D is just a piece of paper but at least I will know where I stand and not feel like I'm in this limbo. He hasn't been awful to me really and that's what makes it harder, his indifference to me and the sitch.
Andrew - it's hard to keep going when i see things that are positive but to everyone else it is just breadcrumbs so I have to re-think everything again. I just want something something to hold on to but as much as my head says 'look he agreed to meet you after 7 weeks, that's positive!', in my heart I know that it may not be as positive as I hope.
Peace - I am trying to take care of myself. I go to the gym regularly and I've started eating better. I cry when I need to even at work! I am lucky that I have some really understanding colleagues! I just hate feeling so sad all the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I know I am in control of my own emotions but sometimes it's so overwhelming!
Altair/Andrew - the physical tug and emotions that come to the surface when I saw him was just so overwhelming more so as I hadn't seen him for seven weeks. It was especially hard when we said goodbye.
Hawker - I don't think I am ready to give up but every day that goes by i feel like I'm getting closer to that decision. I don't know what giving up looks like but like you say I'll know when I get there.
Blu - your right I go between wanting more information to maybe it's better not knowing. I still feel so hurt from this rejection I don't know how to move forward from it. I just feel like such a second class citizen, sometimes even comparing myself to all his friends who have managed to keep their marriages together. I just keep wondering, why me, what have I done to deserve this?
I know I need to start loving myself but there's the problem. I have never actually loved myself. I'm my own worst critic. I think it all stems from my grandmother telling me, several times, when I was small that she didn't like me very much and ever since then I do not think I am worthy of anyone. I constantly question the motives of people who want to be around me and I think that's why I end up pushing everyone away. I've really reflected on this over the years but I just seem to get stuck. I'm not having a pity party or wanting sympathy I just need to start trusting that people like me for who I am and that my grandmother was a cranky old woman and it was just one person's opinion.
Journaling. - I had a really good IC session yesterday. It was the first time that I didn't cry. We talked about my meeting with H again and we came to the conclusion that it was fear that caused me to react so badly. Not fear of what he might say or do or my feelings but the fear of not having seen him for nearly two months. I had built it all up in my head so much it all came crashing down around me when I did eventually see him. I gave him too much power I see that now. My IC seems to think that seeing H a little more regularly now after my period of darkness might help to aleviate that fear and take some of the fire out of the power I think he has over me. She has also suggested talking to him about the R but I'm definitely NOT going to do that!
I'm coming to the end of my free IC sessions but she feels I will benefit from few more and has suggested asking my Company if they will provide this. I think I might enquire about this as I think the face that I wasn't an emotional wreck for the first time since I started talking to her is a really big step forward.
Anyway, H texted me on Thursday after I cancelled on him this week to ask if we wanted to meet for coffee early next week and I agreed to meet on Monday lunchtime so again I can escape at a decent time! I need to take his power over me away and I think facing him is the only way I can see that he is only a man.
If he is wanting to see me then I don't think that's a bad thing is it?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
