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#2714977 11/08/16 04:29 PM
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I have been on this site since March, when I discovered my wife's affairs. After much struggle and careful thought I filed for D. The communications have been minimal, and she at first thought she could navigate this without an attorney, but again I just never received a response from her when I needed so it has been slow and painful. However I just learned that she has obtained a L, which is actually good! Things need to get moving. I think her head came out of the clouds a bit, realizing that this is actually happening. I miss her and love her very much but seeing her reaction to my filing for D let me know that I did the right thing. She was almost relieved, I think for her she has been wanting this off and on for quite some time, only judging from her multiple affairs and attempts to have A's over the last 10 years or more. So here we go! The final date is January 25th. Life is wierd, but oh well, I can hold tight until then, when I know what the financial outcome will be. Then I can begin to plan and rebuild, I have been in some sort of limbo for so long. This final limbo is much easier to stomach than that of not knowing if she will choose me or not. It was heartbreaking but I know now that life does move forward. I love myself and my S13. She is contesting the financial stuff but we have come to a full agreement on the parenting plan which to me is a huge step.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2715287 11/10/16 12:45 PM
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Good for you coffee and welcome to Surviving.

Your sitch was so tough, not only getting BD'd, but enduring a difficult marriage for a big part of your life and finding out there were serial affairs throughout it all. Ick.

You're still newer to your sitch in terms of months, but you've done really well in making correct choices and detaching from the destruction. It doesn't take away from the scope of the loss you faced, but it will allow the wounds to start closing over. 2017 will have it's share of heartache, but it will be manageable, and you'll have some good times in there too.

Glad we can be a part of them!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2716219 11/15/16 09:58 AM
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Welcome honey

My firest court date on my fins is with two days of yours. We can get journalling together.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2716248 11/15/16 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Welcome honey

My firest court date on my fins is with two days of yours. We can get journalling together.

V


I'm good with that Vanilla, journaling is good, it has helped me throughout this whole mess.
So lets see, yesterday I met with my L. It was good, I am beginning to feel no matter what I end up with after this is all said and done I will feel like I got the shaft. I have to remember, its just stuff and money and I can rebuild. I don't need much to live and be happy. I am happy for the most part, and the only thing I feel now for my STBXW is some sort of unconditional love. That is...I do love her and did love her for all these years, so with that I know I need to forgive her, not for her but for me. I need to do that so I can look back at the latest half of my life and remember the happy times. There where many. Will we ever be friends, no probably never.
We are in discovery mode right now, she has been the bookkeeper in our family for a long time, so when I filed there where several holes in the financials that I couldn't get my hands on. I wanted to file and then tell her. When I told her she asked "don't you think this is a bit premature"? I was angry, hurt, scared, and alone. I was not the man I wanted to be and could't break free of that curse that was placed on my psyche when I finally discovered her extramarital relationships. I was confused, unsure, mean at times,my self confidence was diminished to zero. My work was failing, my relationship with my son was wavering. I had to be done and move on. I know now that I made the right decision to file for the D. I know that, given her reaction to my discovery (which was mostly that should could care less that I found out and no remorse) there was no future relationship as it was, and no future relationship as a renewed type. I would never trust her again, she just made many personal decisions that absolutely wrecked my trust for her, my trust was totaled and headed to the scrap yard...gone. I will never trust that women. I however am pretty smart and know that I cant let that trust issue carry over into future relationships, I understand that all people are different. When someone tells me they love me, I will trust them, until they give me a reason not to. I won't hold on to them as long as I did with my STBXW if they shatter that trust, I will make myself vulnerable in love again.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2716443 11/16/16 03:56 PM
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Yep

I know about holes in the Fins. I dug and dug until I discovered the truth in joint Fins.

Now in discovery on The Giggalo Fins.

Wasting of joint assets, the Giggalo thinks what is mine is his and what is his is his. Joint is also his to spend.

Watch out if you untangle the stuff, you may uncover much.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2716562 11/17/16 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Yep

I know about holes in the Fins. I dug and dug until I discovered the truth in joint Fins.

Now in discovery on The Giggalo Fins.

Wasting of joint assets, the Giggalo thinks what is mine is his and what is his is his. Joint is also his to spend.

Watch out if you untangle the stuff, you may uncover much.

V


I am done searching and uncovering. I know enough and don't wish to hurt myself anymore. It took me a couple months to figure that out.
Amazing how the person that tells you that she loves you can do that stuff....just absolutely mind blowing. Especially given the type of person she is on the outside and how she is perceived in the community.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2716737 11/18/16 09:11 AM
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TOTALLY understand what you mean, Coffee! My XH, who professed to love me forever, not only cheated on me and lied about it, but is perceived as this really good person who would never do anything like that. I think that is why it took me so long to get past it. He was a NICE guy and NICE guys don't do that kind of thing, right? Hang in there! There is LOTS of support here.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2717317 11/22/16 09:22 AM
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Boy oh boy...
Working through the holiday calendar for parenting time. Let me tell you, not fun at all.
I am feeling quite isolated here, all of my family is in a different town, I have lost a whole half of my family, it is a strange feeling and is just starting to hit pretty hard. I was able to keep myself busy with friends etc this summer but as the seasons change and friends get busy with their families the feeling of isolation is getting stronger. I am lucky to be employed with a good job. I have found a female friend that is fully aware of my situation and is very patient with my time and sensitive to my needs during the process of Divorce. I am being sensitive to the fact that I still need to grieve the loss and work through those things. I don't lean on her as my therapist, that would not be fair.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2718232 11/29/16 10:43 AM
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Just checking in.
I had a rough morning with my son. He was out of clean clothes, didn't have shoes because he left them at his mothers, forgot to brush his teeth. He started tearing up when I dropped him off at school. I feel like CR@P when that happens. The laundry was my fault, I am not caught up with it from the holiday weekend. And the fact that we where rushed out the door and he didn't get his teeth brushed was my fault too, I woke up late. This single parenting thing stinks. I never wanted any of this. I wish things where different but they aren't.
I am going to try to find three positive things about my life today and write them down.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2718244 11/29/16 11:22 AM
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coffee_,

I'm sorry you had such a rough morning. Laundry is the bane of my existence; I don't mind washing and drying, but folding and hanging the clothes is too much like torture.

Something funny happened to me last week. My sons only had two days of school last week because of Thanksgiving. They both had a cold on Monday so I let them stay home. On Tuesday, they still had colds and they eventually decided to stay home (no surprise). I have a 30 minute commute to work; when I'd nearly arrived at work I got a call from my youngest son. He decided he wanted me to go home to pick him up and take him to school. So, I turned around and drove home. When I was nearly home, he called again and said he'd decided to stay home. Oh well, I enjoyed my morning commute all three times.

doodler #2718249 11/29/16 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
coffee_,

I'm sorry you had such a rough morning. Laundry is the bane of my existence; I don't mind washing and drying, but folding and hanging the clothes is too much like torture.

Something funny happened to me last week. My sons only had two days of school last week because of Thanksgiving. They both had a cold on Monday so I let them stay home. On Tuesday, they still had colds and they eventually decided to stay home (no surprise). I have a 30 minute commute to work; when I'd nearly arrived at work I got a call from my youngest son. He decided he wanted me to go home to pick him up and take him to school. So, I turned around and drove home. When I was nearly home, he called again and said he'd decided to stay home. Oh well, I enjoyed my morning commute all three times.



Doodler, my arse would have said "make your choice wisely, you have to live with it the first time"

You really drove back and forth 3 times because he kept changing his mind?! Oh heck no!

Coffee, parenting is tough, single parenting is even harder. I've been doing it for my daughter's whole life and I have tripped up many times.

First, you forgive yourself because you are human.

Second, you look at the situation and see what you can improve upon to make the next time easier!

Ginger1 #2718252 11/29/16 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Doodler, my arse would have said "make your choice wisely, you have to live with it the first time"

You really drove back and forth 3 times because he kept changing his mind?! Oh heck no!


Ginger,

I drove to work (1), then I drove home (2), and then I drove back to work (3). That's how I came up with three trips; it was 1.5 round trips.

He's a really good kid, and he felt bad about staying out of school. He made all A's last nine weeks and he wants to go to MIT to get a degree in engineering. I knew he was conflicted about staying out of school and I'm a pushover and he has big blue eyes and I didn't really want to go to work anyway and it was a beautiful day and...

doodler #2718261 11/29/16 12:14 PM
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I wasn't parent shaming, no need to explain! More power to ya!

I bet you are a pushover, though. But an MIT degree in engineering?! Super impressive. You won't have to worry about driving anymore. He'll build you a hovercraft!

Ginger1 #2718285 11/29/16 01:49 PM
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I forgive myself, I wonder if the ex will say something to me though.
What I will take away from this as a parent is that I will have to remind him to check if he has clothes to wear. I don't mind doing laundry if I know it needs to be done. I have done laundry a total of 6 months my entire life so I am learning...
I also have no problem making him do his own if he has time.
Good things about my day:
1.I was able to walk home for lunch, a 30 minute commute sounds absolutely lame smile
2. The sun was shining when I walked back after it had snowed a bit, I really enjoyed being outside.
3. I have work that I enjoy doing, and a work crew that I enjoy doing it with.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2718437 11/30/16 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
1.I was able to walk home for lunch, a 30 minute commute sounds absolutely lame smile


Yeah, I'd prefer to walk or ride a bicycle to work. But, if I could walk home for lunch, I'm afraid I might not return to work. I've got too many projects at home that I'd rather be doing.

doodler #2719380 12/06/16 08:59 AM
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Question for the vet's here:
My STBXW is asking if I would like to spend Christmas morning with her and the S13. I really don't want to do this as I really just cant stand the thought of being around her right now. She has over the last couple of weeks send a text asking how I was, then another on Saturday saying that she was sorry it was like this for the both of us, that she is lonely and that she is sick of crying. I am suspisious that it is a tactic to soften me for teh upcoming D. But the Christmas thing...do any of you think that I should go play nice nice? She is claiming that she feels it would be good for the S13.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2719392 12/06/16 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
But the Christmas thing...do any of you think that I should go play nice nice? She is claiming that she feels it would be good for the S13.


coffee,

Holy moly! She pulled out the big guns, didn't she? I wouldn't know what to do in your situation. My first inclination would be to send her a loving note saying, "Listen dirtbag, we wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't..." But honestly, I don't know what I'd do. If you feel like she's being manipulative, then pass, but I don't know what I'd do.

doodler #2719398 12/06/16 09:42 AM
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I don't know your sitch well at all, which in this case may be very good. Looking at just those comments from her, it looks to me as someone trying to reach out. It could actually be temp checking or any other list of things. However the spouse who is truly done doesn't want to spend Christmas morning together. Is she peaking out of her cave? Might she go right back in? Both could be yes. Again, I have no idea. This just made me take notice. FWIW


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
doodler #2719402 12/06/16 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: coffee_
But the Christmas thing...do any of you think that I should go play nice nice? She is claiming that she feels it would be good for the S13.


coffee,

Holy moly! She pulled out the big guns, didn't she? I wouldn't know what to do in your situation. My first inclination would be to send her a loving note saying, "Listen dirtbag, we wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't..." But honestly, I don't know what I'd do. If you feel like she's being manipulative, then pass, but I don't know what I'd do.


That was my first inclination as well. However I am really doing well on taking the high road, it took me some time to get to the top of that hill and I don't want to backslide. I agree, we would be spending Christmas together if she had not done that.
I looked at our joint account and saw that she spent some money in a nearby town, between here and the OM's town. I am guessing she was so lonely that she needed some face time with him last night wink just a confirmation that she was just temp checking. It was typical stuff too where she was texting about the S13 and communication just went cold. Its a wonderful feeling to be detached and not really care what she is doing.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2719543 12/06/16 05:32 PM
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I think it all depends on your goals.

If your goal is still to win her back, and you think you can keep your mouth zipped up tight, then being there for Xmas may be an opportunity to show off any changes you have made, and remind her what she is missing.

BUT - if you're no longer interested in reconciliation, or you think she still needs to deal with reality that she can't have her cake and eat it too, or if you think it will be too confusing for your child - then don't go.

If you don't want to go, then an appropriate answer might be: "As long as you are with another man, I cannot pretend and share holidays with you.. My answer would be different if you had given up OM and were sincerely interested in reconciliation."

I think the first year that my ex left, he was shocked that I didn't invite him to share Thanksgiving with me and the kids (this was 10 months after he moved out). The truth is, my mom would have scratched his eyes out!

Now that it's been almost 8 years and he's remarried and I've moved on, I WOULD be happy to invite him and his wife - let bygones be bygones - except for the lousy way he has treated me financially, and our kids, since the divorce.

I've found that it just works best to split and share holidays: One year I have them for Xmas eve, then they sleep at his house and have Xmas day there. The next we reverse. Thanksgiving we trade years (although early on they would have dinner at my place and dessert at his.)

It can be lonely at first but I always managed to work something out. One year at Xmas my mom (who lives with me) was also out of town, so after the kids left on Xmas eve, I spent the night on a second date with a loner guy I was dating (we didn't date long but are still friends, it was a lovely night) then went to a grown up party on Xmas day with another friend.

Use your best judgment. Every sitch is different in this regard. It can be hard to tell if she is just checking to make sure you're still available as Plan B, or if she sincerely is starting to think about reconciliation.

coffee_ #2719549 12/06/16 06:10 PM
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Nope

Let me repeat that Nope

And I am unsure this is good for S.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2719707 12/07/16 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Nope

Let me repeat that Nope

And I am unsure this is good for S.

V


That was my initial reaction and I will stick with that plan.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2719872 12/08/16 11:19 AM
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Well I think yesterday we got he final parenting plan hashed out. She was proposing that she get S13 every Easter, 4th of July, and Christmas day. It was so short sighted of her, it proves that she is still "in the weeds" a bit. I fired back and suggested that the holidays just oscillate and she agreed...phew I am glad that is over with. I still haven't seen her financials she is waiting till the last minute I guess which makes me feel like this whole thing is just an inconvenience to her.
Every day I feel happier that I am not in her grasp, I realized how much she controlled my actions and emotions. It stinks to think that she was so controlling over my actions and to learn of the things she was doing behind my back. UGH!
I cant wait for the final day to know what I will get out of the D so I can plan, budget and look to my new future.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2719922 12/08/16 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
Every day I feel happier that I am not in her grasp, I realized how much she controlled my actions and emotions.


Yep, it's like popping a squat after a three hour business meeting.

doodler #2719947 12/08/16 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: coffee_
Every day I feel happier that I am not in her grasp, I realized how much she controlled my actions and emotions.


Yep, it's like popping a squat after a three hour business meeting.



hahha! Love it!


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2719994 12/09/16 03:33 AM
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No one knows this but P is my favourite letter of the alphabet.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2719997 12/09/16 03:57 AM
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Sorry. Still lots to learn for me. In MWD LRT downloads. She says jump at any family time offer and if there is any asking 'how you are' this is a really good sign. I can see if there is an OM and therefore WW then the answer is no. But MWD also says forget cake eating on this specifically. That is ego.

I totally get the temp checking and if involved with OM - no etc. But I do wonder what MWD would say.....sorry this is probably really naive but like I say, I am still learning and get confused between what I read and listen to from MWD and the more hardcore approach I see from the Vets here...

Also, what if W was not seeing OM but was showing signs of waywardness - relatively infrequent flare ups (requiring validation etc).

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
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Surfer #2720075 12/09/16 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted By: Surfer
Sorry. Still lots to learn for me. In MWD LRT downloads. She says jump at any family time offer and if there is any asking 'how you are' this is a really good sign. I can see if there is an OM and therefore WW then the answer is no. But MWD also says forget cake eating on this specifically. That is ego.

I totally get the temp checking and if involved with OM - no etc. But I do wonder what MWD would say.....sorry this is probably really naive but like I say, I am still learning and get confused between what I read and listen to from MWD and the more hardcore approach I see from the Vets here...

Also, what if W was not seeing OM but was showing signs of waywardness - relatively infrequent flare ups (requiring validation etc).

Surfer.


Ugh! I am still learning also. There are days that I wish we could R our MR. But then I think to myself that I just really want what we used to have and I know that just can't happen. Can it be different and better? Yes I believe so, but I am just not sure she is willing to go there. I do believe that she wants a new relationship, which includes just being friends, we where very good together really, and she would agree. But I am just not interested in being friends with her. I have learned through this that people come and go in life, even family. I passed at the opportunity to spend Christmas with her, and I also gave her very little emotional support when she said that she was sorry and that she was lonely. I also responded to her text that asked how I was saying only that I am good and keeping busy. I had a small window to act on her reaching out and that has passed, I missed it. It was easy to pass so I really do think that I am just ready to move on.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2720792 12/13/16 09:16 AM
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Well I have figured out that my STBXW is a full blown narcissist. I was tasked with getting in touch with our mutual real estate agent to do a comparative market analysis. So I emailed her and copied my STBXW. It turns out that the ex already made the initial contact, without including me. So the ex was livid when I suggested that I was unsure of what the communications where between them and I would like to pick a new real estate agent to do the work. She was also angry that I told the real estate agent that we are going through a divorce. She wanted to control that situation and the information that she recived. Total BS. Well I wasn't one step ahead of her but totally busted her and she was not happy about that. I did my best not to react emotionally and just handle it like a buisness transaction. It went pretty well. I am so sick of this stuff that I am just ready to be done with this, now matter what she gets out of the D. She shows no remorse and is hoping to get the most out of this D...without regard or remorse for her actions. I have little understanding about the narcissist mind but doing my research on how to maneuver the D without getting too scarred up. Any body here have any input with how to deal with this type of person? I am guessing that most serial cheaters have these tenancies so its probably pretty frequent on these boards.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2720819 12/13/16 11:14 AM
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coffee,

I don't know much about narcissism or narcissistic behavior, but my xW can be a very difficult person to deal with if she doesn't get her way. I always allowed her a lot of leeway because she was sexually abused as a child and that's had a big impact on her life and psychological disposition. However, in the divorce process, I had to protect myself and my sons as much as possible. My decisions were made based on me and my sons well being regardless of how my xW would react.

My xW gets angry about anything and everything that doesn't go exactly as she dictates. The key to dealing with her is to ignore her anger and move forward making the best decisions possible. I've found that my wife's anger often causes her to make very poor decisions. Have I ever taken advantage of that? Well, maybe just a wee bit.

I think you should figure out what you and your son need as you move forward and ignore your W to the extent possible. You'll probably find that she's fairly easy to manage because she's not in control of her emotions. In fact, you probably have more control over her emotions that she does. If you understand that you'll realize that her only power is your fear of her anger. Drop the fear and she becomes inert.

doodler #2722376 12/22/16 08:55 AM
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Just want to wish everybody a merry Christmas
Hope your all well during this time, I for one know that it will be a challenge for me, but I will hold my head up high, cook the best prime rib of my life and smile even if I don't mean it,
Merry Christmas all!


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2722423 12/22/16 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
...cook the best prime rib of my life...


You tell us about it, but you don't invite us? Did my xW get you to do that?

I'll just be having a small bowl of gruel and a cup of dirty tepid water.

doodler #2722432 12/22/16 11:06 AM
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Someone say prime rib? Hell, I'll make the hot buttered rum!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2722623 12/23/16 11:48 AM
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I would invite you all, but that may get a bit expensive...I already over spent this holiday season.
I have a nice gal who appreciates me and her family that I will be spending Christmas day with and cooking the roast. Its my first time I will be doing this in the oven..I hope it goes well.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2722631 12/23/16 12:33 PM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
I would invite you all, but that may get a bit expensive...


coffee,

I understand. Don't feel bad about it. I realize one more prime rib is going to break the bank. I get it. Don't worry about me; I have my gruel and dirty water. I'll be ok.

Have a really wonderful Christmas and don't think about me when you're eating prime rib. It's ok, really it is.

doodler #2723012 12/27/16 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: coffee_
I would invite you all, but that may get a bit expensive...


coffee,

I understand. Don't feel bad about it. I realize one more prime rib is going to break the bank. I get it. Don't worry about me; I have my gruel and dirty water. I'll be ok.

Have a really wonderful Christmas and don't think about me when you're eating prime rib. It's ok, really it is.



I hope your gruel and dirty water was okay doodler. I overcooked the prime rib, it was good but I was disappointed in my cooking skills to say the least. I am a wannabe chef....I guess I shouldn't quit my day job just yet. I had an absolutely fab Christmas eve with my boy, then an equally awesome day with my new GF.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2723078 12/28/16 06:09 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
I hope your gruel and dirty water was okay doodler. I overcooked the prime rib, it was good but I was disappointed in my cooking skills to say the least. I am a wannabe chef....I guess I shouldn't quit my day job just yet. I had an absolutely fab Christmas eve with my boy, then an equally awesome day with my new GF.


coffee,

On Christmas Eve I got a wild and crazy idea; I decided I could go to the grocery store and buy a frozen dinner. No gruel for doodler this Christmas!

I'm glad you had your prime rib even if it wasn't perfectly cooked; it had to be better than my frozen dinner. I'm glad you had an awesome Christmas Eve and Christmas day! Mine was very good as well.

doodler #2725915 01/16/17 02:59 PM
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Well, just a quick status update. I am one week away from mediation, I hope it goes smooth. My soon to be ex is a total narcissist she is holding tight on leaving me just about nothing....I don't have any conversations with her about it, just back and forth from my Lawyer. I can't believe that a human could defile a marriage with infidelity, then after not wanting to reconcile go for blood during the divorce. I just don't get it...at all. I hope my Lawyer can make this fair for me, I figure if we both walk away from this feeling like we didn't get what we deserved then it will be fair.
I do think I am in a pretty good place as far as healing. I very seldom get that knife in the gut feeling. I still have anxiety when thinking of her with someone else, even though I have moved on and begun dating a pretty nice gal who appreciates me for who I am. So weird I get all stressed out about things that would affect my ex and this gal could care less, interesting how different people are, even when my buddies say "all women are the same". I thought I would have trust "issues" but I really don't, I know that I could never trust my ex again, hence why I filed for D. I trust my girlfriend, as she hasn't given me a reason not to.
Just spewing a few updates in my life...


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2725995 01/17/17 07:46 AM
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coffee,

Going into mediation, I didn't know what to expect. But, mediation day, for me, was anticlimactic and relatively uneventful. My wife and I were in separate rooms and we had mediator (an ex-judge) that would go between each room to negotiate.

Most of my time was spent talking with my lawyer (she's cute as h3ll) about children, pets and life in general. I also brought some reading material (via Kindle on my cell phone); that came in handy. They provided lunch and it was really good.

So, don't fret; it probably won't be a bad experience for you.

The most important thing I did was that I had my lawyer include a statement in the mediation agreement that stated that the parents have to consider to the wishes of the children when it comes to where (which parent) they want to stay with at any given time. We have 50-50 custody, but that the clause in the mediation agreement is like gold. It's a good thing to consider if you're the better parent.

I hope mediation goes well for you. It probably will. Go skinny dipping afterward.

doodler #2725997 01/17/17 07:50 AM
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Quote:
The most important thing I did was that I had my lawyer include a statement in the mediation agreement that stated that the parents have to consider to the wishes of the children when it comes to where (which parent) they want to stay with at any given time. We have 50-50 custody, but that the clause in the mediation agreement is like gold. It's a good thing to consider if you're the better parent.


Like you, we were also separated. Coffee needs to strongly consider the tie-breakers before going into the mediation. For me, I made sure I got education (meaning I decide which school and other education-related things) as a priority, reason being is that she can't move them, period. I also got the extracurricular activities. The ex got medical issues and religion.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2726995 01/24/17 09:44 AM
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Tomorrow is the big day, I am praying for no surprises. We have only exchanged emails and have maintained pretty well as a separated couple the last 6 months. There is some resistance from her and I both as to the financials.

If you pray, please pray that we both get what is fair. We both contributed to our financials for 21 years. At times I think she is still in the fog and wanting me to leave with nothing, and charge me for the things I took. Sure I left and filed for D but she has been cheating on me for at least 10 years off and on with different guys, so in my mind she left a long time ago. I want her to have what she needs to raise our s13 when she has him 50% of the time, in return I pray that she gives me the same respect.

Last edited by job; 01/24/17 09:58 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2726999 01/24/17 09:55 AM
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coffee,

Everything will go well. It's a business negotiation, so aim for fairness, not charity. Be sure to ask for what you really want regardless of how you think she'll respond.

Be sure to bring some reading material.

doodler #2727005 01/24/17 10:15 AM
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Thanks doodler!
I will bring my laptop.
I am hoping for a swift resolution, my lawyer is expensive. She is cute though.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2727041 01/24/17 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
She is cute though.


caffee,

My lawyer is cute too. During mediation I was telling her about my ferret and she got all mushy. It was fun to see her drop her lawyer persona for a little while.

doodler #2727042 01/24/17 11:41 AM
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Quote:
During mediation I was telling her about my ferret and she got all mushy


Ferret, eh?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2727045 01/24/17 11:51 AM
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Jeep,

Yep, a ferret. Several years ago, I was out for a morning run and I saw him in the middle of the road. I took him home. It took us three days to find the owner. By then, my sons had become attached to him. The owner told us we could keep him. He is one of the cutest and sweetest fury creatures on the planet. Fortunately, my 80 pound dog likes him as well.

I was telling my lawyer that during my separation my mattress was on the floor (my wife took our bed and I was building a new one) and my ferret would climb up on my bed during the night and give me a kiss on the cheek. (For real, ferrets give little ferret kisses.) My lawyer melted while I was telling her about that.

doodler #2727064 01/24/17 12:38 PM
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Maybe I need a ferret....LOL


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
doodler #2727073 01/24/17 01:02 PM
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Quote:
My lawyer melted while I was telling her about that.


*Furiously scribbling notes...


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2727161 01/25/17 09:29 AM
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Here I sit in mediation, really its a negotiation. There is no mediator just lawyers. She wants a bunch of money from me. I am holding out,


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2727167 01/25/17 10:35 AM
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Fight the good fight, my friend. Why is there no mediator?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2727171 01/25/17 10:50 AM
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You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run...

doodler #2727217 01/25/17 03:06 PM
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It't done. Not quite what I was hoping to happen but it is what it is....Now I know what to expect and how to move forward.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2728249 02/02/17 10:13 AM
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I hope y'all are having a good groundhogs day. Thank god its not like the movie, I would hate to relive the hell I went through these last 8 months.
I am so happy that its all over, just wish I could see the day ahead of me that I will no longer have to deal with that woman who crushed my heart with a smile on her face and left me nothing in the divorce.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2728274 02/02/17 12:21 PM
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coffee,

If you were stuck in an eight month loop, just think how good you'd get at divorce busting.

doodler #2728689 02/06/17 08:27 AM
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True! The outcome would likely be different for sure.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
doodler #2728691 02/06/17 08:35 AM
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Good grief I would not want to be in that loop again.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
coffee_ #2728692 02/06/17 08:35 AM
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She is flinging mud this morning..woah! I took S13 to see Manchester by the Sea, a though provoking movie about grief, healing, forgiveness and love. I went with my GF and him.
This morning I got a text saying she is making a counselor appointment for him. She has lost control of me and is grasping for some sort of way to keep control. All it will do is make s13 angry, he is handling it very well from my perspective.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2728694 02/06/17 08:42 AM
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Did your ex know about the new GF? it's a pretty new R right? I am pretty sure it doesn't have to do with the movie. It has to do with your new GF.

Ginger1 #2728698 02/06/17 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Did your ex know about the new GF? it's a pretty new R right? I am pretty sure it doesn't have to do with the movie. It has to do with your new GF.


I was thinking along these lines, too. I'm sorry if I missed this, are you fully divorced yet?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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She knows about the GF, I have been very respectful about it, for one its really none of her business and I didn't get involved with a new lady friend for revenge so I haven't put it in her face, been really quiet about it. I am sure she asks S13 about details, that is how she found out about the movie. I have been seeing this gal for about 6 months, son has known about her but has very limited interaction with the GF. She is super nice, a good mom and also respects that its all new to my S13 so taking it slow there.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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When my EX-WW found out the kids were home for a few hours before xmas, and I was on a date, she went ballistic with a tirade of texts. I have her on permanent mute, thank God. But the date went splendidly, kisses were exchanged, and then when I get back to the car - BLAMO! She's shaming me, telling me I'm a bad dad, and she's taking me back to court for child neglect.

It was all her being angry that I had moved on. She realized her plan B was no more. This was 6 months AFTER the divorce!

coffee, take things slow with the GF. REALLY slow. Coming form someone who kept telling myself the same, but I was really running downhill, picking up speed faster than I could cover on the ground. You don't know you're going too fast until you're on your keister flip-flopping your way down the hill, like one of those naster super-G falls at the top of the slope, and you keep sliding, sliding, sliding...

Well, my .02. And it's worth what you paid for it. smile


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Dawgs #2728702 02/06/17 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Did your ex know about the new GF? it's a pretty new R right? I am pretty sure it doesn't have to do with the movie. It has to do with your new GF.


I was thinking along these lines, too. I'm sorry if I missed this, are you fully divorced yet?


Yes I am fully divorced.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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Originally Posted By: trumpet
When my EX-WW found out the kids were home for a few hours before xmas, and I was on a date, she went ballistic with a tirade of texts. I have her on permanent mute, thank God. But the date went splendidly, kisses were exchanged, and then when I get back to the car - BLAMO! She's shaming me, telling me I'm a bad dad, and she's taking me back to court for child neglect.

It was all her being angry that I had moved on. She realized her plan B was no more. This was 6 months AFTER the divorce!

coffee, take things slow with the GF. REALLY slow. Coming form someone who kept telling myself the same, but I was really running downhill, picking up speed faster than I could cover on the ground. You don't know you're going too fast until you're on your keister flip-flopping your way down the hill, like one of those naster super-G falls at the top of the slope, and you keep sliding, sliding, sliding...

Well, my .02. And it's worth what you paid for it. smile


Thank you for the advice. I understand the feeling of flopping down the hill because I was moving too fast.
The relationship with the GF moved fast at first, to the point of being exclusive. Now I am quite involved, but it is a long distance relationship which helps keep it at an even keel. I have no plans on relocation and neither does she. For now we are just enjoying each others company. I have no intention to marry again any time soon and will take it very slow in that reguard. I figure a year of dating is long enough to know if two people are compatible. The Ex and I knew each other 4 months before we married, although it lasted 21 years it ended in tragedy. Had I spent some time with her, getting to know her family, background, and values I would have maybe realized that we where incompatible.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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Quote:
I figure a year of dating is long enough to know if two people are compatible. The Ex and I knew each other 4 months before we married, although it lasted 21 years it ended in tragedy. Had I spent some time with her, getting to know her family, background, and values I would have maybe realized that we where incompatible.


We were together almost a year before we got married. However, in that time and up until the divorce she hid many, many things from me - as in her abuse, etc. In many, no make that almost every way, we were compatible. I just never knew what she had gone through and how much it affected her perception of things. Sometimes they keep things hidden in the hopes that one never finds out, for whatever reason - which can often lead to failed marriages.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Well these days are far and few between now. But getting hit with an emotional low on this roller coaster. Just thoughts of the past and an overwhelming urge to have my past back. I can fight it off for a bit by remembering all the horrible things she did to me within the last year. But the feelings of wanting her back as (I thought it) was keep creeping in. Being a single dad, and not sharing the household duties with someone is taking its toll on me today. Very busy at work and the home stuff is on the back burner, its overwhelming at best.
I remember once I was making dinner but had some questions, she reacted with "I just don't need this in my life right now"
I was trying to help and she dismissed me as a pain in her a$$. She was downright mean to me, and admitted it towards the end.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2729397 02/09/17 04:01 PM
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I totally understand. When I was married my XW was a SAHM, so she did the majority of the cooking, laundry, bill paying, and miscellaneous things like changing lightbulbs and getting tabs put on cars. I just had to crush it at work.

The problem is that splitting into two households creates a lot of redundancies both in work and in finances.

Financially there are two households to pay for, two electric bills, garbage bills, phone bills, internet bills, and surprisingly groceries seem to cost more individually as well.

Work wise there are two sets of lawns to mow, twice the number of bills to be paid, light bulbs to change, bathrooms to clean, etc.

Essentially you are working full time and running the house and parenting all at once. It's taking what used to be two jobs and requiring you to do both of them. There's a reason people used to stay married.

I got reprieve. My mother moved in with me and has helped me tremendously with the kids and with cooking and dishes. She helps with the kids laundry even. It has given me the chance to focus on my work in a time when I am really behind the 8 ball.

Without that luxury I don't know what to recommend. I was really exhausted for the first two years on my own. I just got through one day at a time, because I had to. I still feel that way with what's on my plate, but it has gotten a bit more manageable for me. Maybe you'll catch a lucky break at some point and it will get easier.

The only thing you can do for now is to really rest up when you have a break. When your son is with mom and you have a weekend to yourself, get some good recovery in. I have every other Saturday for myself. I try to make it count. For me it's playing pool. I even toyed with the idea of starting to smoke pot, it seemed like a potentially beneficial idea for every other Saturday. But then I figured I don't need to flirt with anything right now that could cause problems.

Also, I try to get a lot of sleep at night. I've been getting 8-9 hours. I need it. I'm sleeping more than I ever have. It's the only way I can get through.

So lots of sleep and lots of self care during your little breaks.

And most of all, suffer through because you have to, and feel free to vent away. We get it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2729901 02/13/17 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
I totally understand. When I was married my XW was a SAHM, so she did the majority of the cooking, laundry, bill paying, and miscellaneous things like changing lightbulbs and getting tabs put on cars. I just had to crush it at work.

The problem is that splitting into two households creates a lot of redundancies both in work and in finances.

Financially there are two households to pay for, two electric bills, garbage bills, phone bills, internet bills, and surprisingly groceries seem to cost more individually as well.

Work wise there are two sets of lawns to mow, twice the number of bills to be paid, light bulbs to change, bathrooms to clean, etc.

Essentially you are working full time and running the house and parenting all at once. It's taking what used to be two jobs and requiring you to do both of them. There's a reason people used to stay married.

I got reprieve. My mother moved in with me and has helped me tremendously with the kids and with cooking and dishes. She helps with the kids laundry even. It has given me the chance to focus on my work in a time when I am really behind the 8 ball.

Without that luxury I don't know what to recommend. I was really exhausted for the first two years on my own. I just got through one day at a time, because I had to. I still feel that way with what's on my plate, but it has gotten a bit more manageable for me. Maybe you'll catch a lucky break at some point and it will get easier.

The only thing you can do for now is to really rest up when you have a break. When your son is with mom and you have a weekend to yourself, get some good recovery in. I have every other Saturday for myself. I try to make it count. For me it's playing pool. I even toyed with the idea of starting to smoke pot, it seemed like a potentially beneficial idea for every other Saturday. But then I figured I don't need to flirt with anything right now that could cause problems.

Also, I try to get a lot of sleep at night. I've been getting 8-9 hours. I need it. I'm sleeping more than I ever have. It's the only way I can get through.

So lots of sleep and lots of self care during your little breaks.

And most of all, suffer through because you have to, and feel free to vent away. We get it.


Thank you Zuess, I really value your response. You have helped me through some of the most darkest of times this past year. You helped open my eyes as to the size and complexity of my situation.
Yes I am trying to get lots of rest and to do things for myself when S14 is with his mother. I still get pretty worked up when I have to see her...she brings some pretty huge feelings of anxiety. If it weren't for my S14 I would skip this town so fast it would make the wind blow! I have to buck up for him, just a few more years. Who knows, by then I am sure I will be in a different place mentally, but I still think that it will be hard to erase 21 years in just a few months. I miss her even though i cant stand her if that makes sense. I had a dream about her last night. I came home for lunch and she had made me some food. I was so touched I broke down crying because for the first time in forever she made a gesture to show me she loved me. Well just a dream.

I sleep well when I work out, I am trying to hit the gym or do a vigorous activity 4 times a week. I went snowboarding two Sundays in a row with my S14. We had a blast! I still got it wink


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2729933 02/13/17 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I totally understand. When I was married my XW was a SAHM, so she did the majority of the cooking, laundry, bill paying, and miscellaneous things like changing lightbulbs and getting tabs put on cars. I just had to crush it at work.

The problem is that splitting into two households creates a lot of redundancies both in work and in finances.

Financially there are two households to pay for, two electric bills, garbage bills, phone bills, internet bills, and surprisingly groceries seem to cost more individually as well.

Work wise there are two sets of lawns to mow, twice the number of bills to be paid, light bulbs to change, bathrooms to clean, etc.

Essentially you are working full time and running the house and parenting all at once. It's taking what used to be two jobs and requiring you to do both of them. There's a reason people used to stay married.

I got reprieve. My mother moved in with me and has helped me tremendously with the kids and with cooking and dishes. She helps with the kids laundry even. It has given me the chance to focus on my work in a time when I am really behind the 8 ball.

Without that luxury I don't know what to recommend. I was really exhausted for the first two years on my own. I just got through one day at a time, because I had to. I still feel that way with what's on my plate, but it has gotten a bit more manageable for me. Maybe you'll catch a lucky break at some point and it will get easier.

The only thing you can do for now is to really rest up when you have a break. When your son is with mom and you have a weekend to yourself, get some good recovery in. I have every other Saturday for myself. I try to make it count. For me it's playing pool. I even toyed with the idea of starting to smoke pot, it seemed like a potentially beneficial idea for every other Saturday. But then I figured I don't need to flirt with anything right now that could cause problems.

Also, I try to get a lot of sleep at night. I've been getting 8-9 hours. I need it. I'm sleeping more than I ever have. It's the only way I can get through.

So lots of sleep and lots of self care during your little breaks.

And most of all, suffer through because you have to, and feel free to vent away. We get it.


Thank you Zuess, I really value your response. You have helped me through some of the most darkest of times this past year. You helped open my eyes as to the size and complexity of my situation.
Yes I am trying to get lots of rest and to do things for myself when S14 is with his mother. I still get pretty worked up when I have to see her...she brings some pretty huge feelings of anxiety. If it weren't for my S14 I would skip this town so fast it would make the wind blow! I have to buck up for him, just a few more years. Who knows, by then I am sure I will be in a different place mentally, but I still think that it will be hard to erase 21 years in just a few months. I miss her even though i cant stand her if that makes sense. I had a dream about her last night. I came home for lunch and she had made me some food. I was so touched I broke down crying because for the first time in forever she made a gesture to show me she loved me. Well just a dream.

I sleep well when I work out, I am trying to hit the gym or do a vigorous activity 4 times a week. I went snowboarding two Sundays in a row with my S14. We had a blast! I still got it wink



Impressive!

Yeah, it's only four years, but by then you will have adapted and be over XW. You'll get reprieve the minute you no longer need it. Fan-blanking-tastic.

Oh well, at least you can assure yourself it's not forever. I played pool with my best friend on Saturday, he told me he lights a candle for me for every day I can't play because I play so artistically it would be like if the most beautiful song in the world was never heard by anyone. I told him that my D6 turns 18 on 11/03/2029, and then I was selling everything I owned, quitting my job, and just playing pool on the road. I told him I put it on my calendar for 11/04/2029 and that I'd allow my daughter through the end of her birthday to secure alternative lodgings wink

As for your feelings about XW, yeah, I get it. People that haven't been divorced think that it's like grieving a big loss. It isn't. It's more like grieving a few hundred little losses, because it impacts you in so many strange ways you wouldn't realize. It's like instead of Hanukkah we celebrate Divorcukkah and each day you get a new package with a different card that tells you another way you will now hurt forever, and the holiday goes on for like 761 days. Funny this never caught on as a mainstream holiday. I think it has potential. But trust us, it does get easier. I'm closing in on 1,000 days and I've almost normalized the nightmarish world we're in to the point that I don't notice it anymore. It's like zombie apocalypse, but I found out that some of those zombies are fun to hang out with, and brains taste a lot like chicken.

Peace C!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues126 #2733065 03/07/17 08:59 AM
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Just a quick check in.
The divorce is final as of Feb 23 the day after my birthday, which can be good and bad. The final day was a bit anti climactic, I have been separated and out of the house in total for almost a year.
On the 23rd I stopped into court, was swarn in answered a bunch of questions and the judge stamped the paper making it law. I find it interesting that it is more difficult to divorce than get married, perhaps it there should be just as much hoops to jumpo through so it makes us really think about it.

I have been doing really well, but have recently had a backslide of emotions. She continues to treat me like dirt, but pretend that she is the nicest person in the world. I have lost my house, my life as I knew it, dogs, friends, lifestyle...everything. And she could care less, making it my fault because I filed. She has decided to file taxes married but separate which will likely make it so I will have to pay a good amount, I have no down payment on a house, live in an apartment. One of my favorite past times was to chilax in the shop, I have had a shop for 20 years...no shop now. This was an activity that my son and I enjoyed so now that he is with me 50% of the time, when the weather is bad he is super bored. I know its not my job to entertain him but I like him to be comfortable. The one year 'anniversaries" of events are starting to roll in, today is one of them. A year ago today I was happily married, visiting my wife at her work function enjoying each others company. Today was the day she was caught in a big lie...and it really just slid downhill from there, quickly. I have to deal with these emotions on my own, I have a girlfriend that I really enjoy being around, we are in constant contact and it is quite nice. However I don't want to subject her to my past baggage so I just hold it all in.
I get 4 free counseling apointments a year, I think today I will make an apointment, it cant hurt I guess.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2733068 03/07/17 09:11 AM
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I guess I should start a new thread titiled "It happened"


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2733093 03/07/17 10:53 AM
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coffee,

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Do you have any big goals or adventures planned?

doodler #2733162 03/07/17 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
coffee,

I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Do you have any big goals or adventures planned?



I went to Oregon a week ago and met up with my old friends, spent a week with they boyz shooting guns, drinking beer and shooting the bull. I had the trip planned before the final date was set, but I stopped into the court house and finalized then hit the road to Oregon. I had a really nice time. When I got back I worked a day and a half and got really sick, so I am pretty much 2 weeks behind on work. As of now I do not have any big adventures planned, just little ones. My GF's birthday is in a couple of weeks and we are going to stay at a quaint little hotel, we are in a long distance relationship so we are meeting in the middle for some relaxation.

I need to find a good activity for my S-14 and me to do together inside that doesn't require a shop...I love to cook and thought that would be a good thing for him to start doing.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2734226 03/15/17 07:59 AM
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I had another dip in the roller coaster called living life as a survivor of infidelity.
I haven't seen my son in 6 days, last night I picked him up from one activity and took him to another, then we went to grab a burger after to catch up. He told me the OM left a motorcycle at my XW's for him to use. This is the first time he has brought up the OM, I couldn't help but ask if he was her BF. S14 said the his mother told him it was nothing official and that they are not dating or anything, but he also said in middle school he would consider it dating.
I went through a pretty big emotional low, I knew this day would come that I would confirm the person who my XW invited in to our lives to contribute to the destruction of my family, the loss of my house and everything that I once knew to be reality. She never once admitted to being involved with this guy.
I fell asleep and woke up at 1:30, with the flood of emotions that came ripping back just as if it was yesterday. My mind raced, I realize I still have a bit of healing to do.
My thoughts turned to things that make me happy:
Being with my son
My healthy relationship with my GF
Woodworking and other crafty projects
Being outside, hiking, biking, camping, hunting
Cooking good food
Being with my friends and family who love me.
Doing a good job at work and being proud of my accomplishments.

I also realized (hopefully) that this guy is still just showing his best side to my XW. And that someday she will realize him for who he really is. A guy who was willing to destroy a family in order to get into her pants. Normal life problems will come back into play, laundry, dishes, kids events, oh and all the drama that comes with being with her. Her addicted, drunk father, her delinquent thieving little brother, and her cheating self.

Also, to help my healing, I feel its important to get revenge. To do this in a healthy way I need to be happy. In order to be happy I need to do the things on my list above, they truly do put a smile on my face. There are two things blocking me from persevering the happiness I desire. One is that I smoke electronic cigarettes, (I have not disclosed this to anybody really),I need to quit. It will hinder my outdoor activities, and it also limits my time that I wish to spend with my GF and S14. I need to gain my self confidence back. This is a small town and I sometimes just lock the door and stay home, I don't want to go out for fear that I will see my xw and the om. I need to get past that. For now those two things are my biggest roadblocks, and they both seem insurmountable. The only thing I can do to control this is to keep talking positivly about myself, to myself. I need to pick a date to quit using the E-Cigs. Because nobody knows about it I find it hard to be accountable, I need to just be accountable to myself.
Thanks for listening to my rant...I know that life will get better, patience, perseverance and just plain ol hard work will get me through this.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2734334 03/15/17 03:46 PM
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I just wish some days I could just run away and start all over! It would be so easy for me to do...except for s14, he needs me and I need him right now.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2734402 03/16/17 05:28 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
I just wish some days I could just run away and start all over! It would be so easy for me to do...except for s14, he needs me and I need him right now.


coffee,

Maybe you can start all over without running away?

doodler #2734418 03/16/17 06:35 AM
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I am working on that doodler. It is my only option right now. Divorce is hard! I know it will get better.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2734422 03/16/17 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
Divorce is hard!


You know it bro. It's the most difficult thing I've ever been through.

doodler #2735100 03/20/17 10:46 AM
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I guess the most difficult thing for me right now is knowing she is with the OM, it stinks, it could be with anybody else but him. I guess it just confirms that it was an exit affair. I am not looking forward to seeing them together, thus I avoid any opportunities where that may happen.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2735251 03/21/17 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
I am not looking forward to seeing them together, thus I avoid any opportunities where that may happen.


coffee,

That's probably something you should work on. I don't like being a bully, but if you google "bully" you can discover some of the techniques they use and put them to use in the right circumstances. Again, I'm not saying you should be a bully, but it is helpful to know how to be commanding in certain social situations. Have fun!

doodler #2735495 03/22/17 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: coffee_
I am not looking forward to seeing them together, thus I avoid any opportunities where that may happen.


coffee,

That's probably something you should work on. I don't like being a bully, but if you google "bully" you can discover some of the techniques they use and put them to use in the right circumstances. Again, I'm not saying you should be a bully, but it is helpful to know how to be commanding in certain social situations. Have fun!



Oh I like that advice! I understand what you are saying. I was going a totally different direction.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2737240 04/03/17 10:08 AM
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Well, I had my first real visual of my XW with the OM. My stomach dropped and there was something that came up in my throat.
I feel I have done a good job at detaching. So why are these feelings still coming to me? I feel ripped off, lied to.

I know I need to move on, and I have for the most part, but I still have to deal with that woman on a weekly basis because we have S14 and some other loose ends to tie up.

For the vets...how do I completely move on, I feel I am stuck, just treading water right now. I have GAL. I was reading another post on here about finding my passion. I just don't have that yet, I feel I am searching for it but have not found it. Nor do I have time...busy at work and being a single dad.

I get wrapped up in my head sometimes,,,thinking about why this all happened to me, what did I do to deserve this. Sometimes for hours on end. Then I conclude that I didn't deserve this, but I am glad to be free from the drama, the cheating, the lies. A year ago I was living in my dream house, taking care of a 2yo that wasn't mine, dealing with a drunk FIL, and a lying wife. Today I live in an apartment, work my behind off, spend time with my new GF (who is amazing, I never knew how good it felt to actually be loved for who I am) I am happy to be single most days but look forward to being a Husband again, I feel I was a good one. I have also realized that my XW and I just got M'd when we where too young. We survived many tragedies hardships and disappointments. I think these just built up over time and she gave up in wanting to be a team. I am sad for that, we made a good team. I guess I will never know how it feels to be her, to cheat, to be so destructive to a relationship, to my life partner. I do know that I will never do that to my loved ones.

Last edited by job; 05/26/17 06:58 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2737245 04/03/17 10:27 AM
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Coffee,

Your bomb drop was only a year ago. There is still more healing for you to do. You went from being married to being a new relationship before you really were able to heal with the scars this leaves behind.

You've been moving along to other steps pretty fast without fully dealing with what this whole sitch left behind. I'm not saying get out of your R. But don't be in such a rush to find this personal "passion" you seek. You'll find what you love ot do when it's time.

More often than not we try to find ways to cover up and just move on. Moving on is good, but keep dealing with your feelings and time really does make a HUGE difference.

Ginger1 #2737793 04/06/17 09:30 AM
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Thanks Ginger,
I feel I have managed my new R well. I am taking it slow as far as future plans with this new girl. We get along very well, no big R talks, she has her own stuff going on right now too, dealing with her big D that happened a year and a half ago. I spend a fair amount of time on my own, learning to be single and finding myself as an individual. Your right, jumping into a big heavy relationship would not be good right now for me. I really like this person and I feel we have a good healthy relationship where we have our own individual time yet connect a couple days a week. I don't ever want to become dependent on another person for happiness.

After the initial lump in my throat went away when I say OM's truck parked in my old driveway, I kind of just dusted my hands off and said to myself "okay I got that overwith".

Last edited by job; 05/26/17 06:59 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2743763 05/18/17 12:12 PM
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Just checking in...
Most days are good for me. However I have recently began loosing confidence and feeling some low self worth. I know the XW's A is not my fault but I cant help but think what I could have done differently. I feel like I am just treading water right now instead of moving forward. Today I miss the life I once had as a married guy, I didn't ask for any of this and now here I am. I am making the best of it and trying to be the best dad I can be, but my resources are limited now compared to when I had a home, shop, toys, and the ability to do some outdoor adventures with my S. I do enjoy my time with him.

I still have high anxiety when I have to attend a soccer game or a band concert, knowing that his mother will be there. I keep waiting for her to show up with the OM, trying to work out my reaction in my head. I don't want to act like a coward, yet I don't want to punch him in the face either. I guess I just have to hold my head high and be as polite as I can.

Last edited by job; 05/26/17 06:59 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
coffee_ #2744651 05/25/17 12:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
Another check in.
Yesterday would have marked 22 years if I was still married.

I decided to take the day for myself and play hookie. I was lazy in the morning, sat around and drank some coffee and watched the news a bit. I bought myself some new socks and shorts. Then I headed down the road and found as many dirt roads that I could and enjoyed the beautiful spring day in Montana, awesome views of green valleys and white mountain peaks. Stopping to watch birds and take some cool pictures. I stopped for lunch with my lady friend, it was nice to see her. I returned home and cooked a couple of awesome rib eye steaks and had my good friend over for a couple beers and a darn good steak dinner.

I spent time grieving the loss of what I thought my marriage was. Remembering the good times with here (there where plenty of those). And spent a fair amount of time enjoying me for who I am. It was a day of reflection and planning for my future.

I had not heard from my ex in days, she usually doesn't contact me when she has the S14 in her care, when I have him I hear from her all the time. Anyways yesterday she sent several texts, none of which required immediate reply so I didn't. Her last text of the day was, I guess I was just wanting to talk to you today, I hope your well. My first thought was "now you want to talk"?

I chalked it up as a victory, I didn't take the bait and I spent the entire day just loving myself. It was quite liberating to know that I can do that.

Last edited by job; 05/26/17 06:59 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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