Hello 3 years in mlc I did not know my husband was unhappy or that is what he says. He went into depression spacing out and distancing himself. Then I found out about the other women he claims it is not physical . At that time we were living in two different states he had done financial issues and I was working. He stopped sending us any money and with the financial support he also stopped any emotional support. He stopped connecting with his mom and brothers . He disconnected with all friends and claim no one cares about him. Then he took a big loan for his work and this put a lot of pressure on him. At that time I was very hurt initially I pleaded,begged,sent gifts you name it but then I guess I started to get more grounded. I focused on me took courses and mainly took care of my two girls . I tried to be the fun happy mom for them . It started by faking it but later I stared to feel happy again enjoying my time and making the best of my circumstances. I stopped being angry and started feeling pity for him. Of course the way he kept punishing me is by disconnecting and not asking about me and the kids knowing I was not in my home state either. Hencecaway from my family and friends. There are as some moments he was nice to us calling us but they were not many and were mainly initiated by me trying to reconnect. He came once during that time was nice but broken . On August I decided we need to relocate to him and see if we can rebuild something . I offered to chip in with the cost he said ok in the beginning then after I gave notices and stated the process he started recreating distance again. So I traveled to my home state which is closer to the state he is currently working in maybe if we have similar time zones things will be better . Kids were dying to see him but he was weird one day he said he will take them Disney next he says maybe we go on a trip then he dispear. At then end I decided to enroll them in schools at my home state and I lived with my mom who was great to open her house for us. Ten days before school I sent him a msg I will travel to his state and rent a hotel with the kids if he wants to see us he is welcomed if not it is up to him-a day later he did not answer I got scarred. So I sent a msg saying I decided not to do that feuds it will be a big blow for my kids if he decided not to see them. He replied back to make the booking. So we went and I am happy we did.here are my observations
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your reply ... I will be going through the threads suggested... I really appreciate your help. Going back to my story when we were there here were my observation 1- he seemed broken ... currently living in a shared house with my other two people to lower expense... same house 4 years ago . 2- his emotional affair was with a work colleague in a different country which he seems stopped at least a year and half ago and she left the company 3- although he is working hard but all his money goes for the loan he got to buy 20% of his company 4- he does I own a car and uses company car or his friends 5-major back ache recently and uses medication all day .dr recommended a survey which he is postponing because of time, fear and maybe cost. I offered to pay for it but he declined saying he will do something 6- he stayed with us in the hotel room for all the days except once he said he had to go meet a client outside state and was at hotel in the morning breakfast 7- he was courteous civilized nice but still distance .. cash was limited so I paid for our outings dinners but he was the driver and accompanied us in all outing. 8- he took us to malls boardwalk night drive although he was working st hotel lobby all day while we were swimming then we went for lunch or dinner 9- I wanted to make it a special time for kids to see him and enjoy him 10- his main focus is to make money and all his problems will be solved 11- limited interaction. With his mom and family even when once she visited him he claimed not in state 12- he was still irritable edgy sometimes which I felt walking on egg shells 13- he seemed so preoccupied he says it is work and bank commitments . Sometimes his cell phone gets disconnected due to non payment 14- when I came back I thanked Gina hoped to keep in touch .. I renewed the offer to pay for his back operation 15- note he never apologized for anything he still feels a lot is my fault and sometimes he says he has to prove himself. 16- he loves his kids but doesnot know how to get close to them. 17- although I miss our old days living back with him in this state will be pain so maybe living back home is much better for me and kids After we came back we sent some msg my aunt passed away he called me then he went blank I sent some msg . Small msg about kids and have it heard from him for a month now... it bothers me that although financially he can't support but he also withdraw every thing .. sometimes I feel he punishes me because I care about the kids so much . Anyway I decided not to contact him now and let it go. If it meant to be then he will contact us if not then it is what it is.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
For the record I have gone dark multiple times before but it never worked after 2-3 weeks I would be always the one to reestablish contact . Not that he object actually he welcome for a while then start distancing again saying he is busy. Now after 2.5 years of this I believe nothing will change and he is not willing to put effort in just maintaining a civil connection with me a kids. He knows my fear from divorce but now maybe I need to face my fears. As I can see nothing will work if he keep subbotaging my efforts . It's like he wants me to give up and ask for divorce. Although he never suggested that but all his actions says he wants me to take the decision by being passive aggressive . I told him more about Han once that I care he is fine doing well regardless if we go back together or not. I am not a vindictive person and for my kids sake having a good father is important but I guess if I was the nasty wife stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them now I guess he doesnot care if we are well or not as if he is not responsible for any. Do you think going dark and no initiate contact even if this never happened worked before?
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Going no contact (NC) is the way to go. It's evident from your posting that he doesn't want to be reminded of what he's done and left behind. What you've been doing is called "pursuing" and when they are in crisis, they consider that a way of reining them in and reminding them of what they've left behind and actually can create more guilt on their part for their behavior.
If you only gave it 2-3 weeks, I can see where it wouldn't work. You've got to remain in the NC mode and only contact him if it is an emergency. Allow him to come to you and then follow his lead in conversations. Let me put it this way and hopefully it will help you. Think of a skittish kitten or colt. The more you attempt to catch them, the more they run in the opposite direction. If you allow the kitten or colt to come to you when they are ready, then they will slowly but surely come up to you...but you still need to be mindful of the interactions w/them in order to keep them coming back again and again.
How can your h miss you if you are contacting him? He can't. He can't work on himself if you are contacting him because his focus is on avoiding you and not on himself. If he contacts you, be pleasant/civil and do not have relationship discussions w/him at this time. If he brings up divorce, advise him that you need time to adjust to how things are and going to be before getting into an indepth discussion about divorce. Do not bring divorce up on it will definitely be on his radar!
Last edited by job; 11/09/1608:50 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For the record I have gone dark multiple times before but it never worked after 2-3 weeks I would be always the one to reestablish contact . Not that he object actually he welcome for a while then start distancing again saying he is busy. Now after 2.5 years of this I believe nothing will change and he is not willing to put effort in just maintaining a civil connection with me a kids. He knows my fear from divorce but now maybe I need to face my fears. As I can see nothing will work if he keep subbotaging my efforts . It's like he wants me to give up and ask for divorce. Although he never suggested that but all his actions says he wants me to take the decision by being passive aggressive . I told him more about Han once that I care he is fine doing well regardless if we go back together or not. I am not a vindictive person and for my kids sake having a good father is important but I guess if I was the nasty wife stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them now I guess he doesnot care if we are well or not as if he is not responsible for any. Do you think going dark and no initiate contact even if this never happened worked before?
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi Job I know you are right I really need to let go and face my fears . I am already taking care of everything . I guess at this moment he is in a state we can't help and he needs to help himself. It feels weird that someone takes a sabbatical 3 years on his family. Iknow I tried my best to make him feel wanted wether it is wrong or not I am ok with that cause I feelgoodvabout me . Even infront of my kids they know their mom worked hard to get us together. These years were great for me my relation with my kids got stronger and I am so proud of them being able to deal with the move and their father distance in a great way. I also worked on my self and took some course . I went with friends went for walks. I didnot share my status with any just that we have some issues and he has financial issues need to overcome. Now I relocated my family back to my parents house . I have always been blessed with a great family who will always support me. When we had our problems he always said that I have a better family than his .yes I am proud to have a close family and I believe his family is also good but somehow he always felt a bit inferior . One of his issues that I always find a way to survive .he says things come to me easily but he has to struggle to succeed . Anyway I guess I can't change his way of thinking nor can I make him feel better about himself in a good way . I can't fix what I didnot break. Thank you for listening and your great advice .
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi job Thanks for the dance pursuit thread. It was shocking to see how much of a text book purser I am and distances he is. I kept gaining him excuses feelin he might be depresses on his own and need help. Although it might be true but he has to deal witty that in order to return to us, if ever. I always pushed him and the kids to maintain some contact together now for the last month I don't if he wants his kids he can initiate his own contact, if not well tough luck. He is a mature man reponsible for his actions. And if people later on don't give him the attention he wants then it is a result of his action. He sometimes complains that he does a lot to people but they don't act accordingly.well not my problem any more. My relation with my kids is great although we live at myparents house but they feel the love from the whole family. That was a main reason I came back. It is not my love they have, the have their grandma ho is spoiling to them and a big extended family. After his abandoning us I felt we all need my family. I got a part time job but since moving back my bills are much reduced. I am so great full to God for giving me the strength to move forward and provide the best situatio for my kids in spite of the circumstances he put us through.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi , 40 days with no contact. Just some txt with his daughter before yesterday when she contacted him. I guess he never initiate contact neither with me or his kids or his family. When ever I used earlier ask him if he missed us and why he go s missing he replies my phone was on no one called. I sometimes feels he has twisted logic all the time. One day we were talking about the kids and his reply was I have to work and make them money later on if they want to talk to me or not that is their choice. I was astonished that he is willing to loose their love and respect without fighting. Anyway...I am planning to attend a Xmas destination wedding with my kids. I told him about it in August and invited him. Of course no reply. I usually do not travel with the kids without getting a written consent for airport issu Es. And sometimes to let him know. This time I plan to stay dark until he asks about our plans for Xmas. Looking how things go I guess he will not ask. Sometimes I think he is severely depressed or in withdrawal or maybe have a n affair and enjoying his life and would love if we are not in his life. How can a good person turn that way. He has none of his old friends. Everyone arround him is new that I don't know them.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi Lana, You are 3 years in right? One thing, actually many things, strike me in your post.
First," he seemed broken " . My MLCer told me he felt broken, hollow, empty. It is normal to feel this way when you look at his choices. In his mind, he does not know why, he is fogged. We cannot not help them, their state of mind is : we are part of the reason they feel this way. This is Not a true statement to us but to him, it is.
2." his main focus is to make money and all his problems will be solved ". Obviously, money is his main concern right now.. Looks to me like the family is not on the radar at the moment. His priority is on himself. Trying to make his life easy.
3. My favorite statement is this one and I will tell you why.. "he was still irritable edgy sometimes which I felt walking on egg shells ".. THIS IS YOURS!!! This feeling is yours and you need to look deep into this one. It has been 3 years and your body gave you a red flag. I learned to listen to my body.
4. " I wanted to make it a special time for kids to see him and enjoy him." He needs to come forward on this one. I think it is very nice of you to want this for your children but if he is not in a good state of mind, it could back fire. Let him take action toward the kids.
5. " note he never apologized for anything he still feels a lot is my fault and sometimes he says he has to prove himself." Independence day? no you, no mom, no friends, no children, only him. It is a good start on his part. Working to prove himself to himself. Maybe when he feels better about himself, he' ll be ready to present this new him to his family, friends, children.. Unless the proof he his looking for is to justify his abandonment of everyone? Time will tell on this one.
6. " although I miss our old days living back with him in this state will be pain so maybe living back home is much better for me and kids. " I agree. more time is needed.
7." As I can see nothing will work if he keep sabotaging my efforts ". You made it clear to him that you are there for him. He knows. It is his turn to re-connect or not. I would leave it for now. It will take as long as needed. I personally want you to live your life regardless of him coming forward or not. For now, it is you and the children. They are getting the love through you and your parents. I would not worry about him.
My last one. 8." I guess if I was the nasty wife stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them now I guess he does not care if we are well or not as if he is not responsible for any" Good observation. By removing himself, anything that goes wrong with you and the children has nothing to do with him right? how can he be RESPONSABLE when he is not part of it? If you let the situation of his MLC take you down, you give him the justification he is so desperately searching for. You were the reason he left. If you have financial trouble, he will use it to justify his departure. You go into depression, he will use it to justify himself... The kids rebel, he will use it....Get my drift? FOG! FOG! FOG!! he does NOT realise the impact of his actions. Maybe your financial situation was caused by you being the only provider for the family? Maybe your depression was caused by a major lost in your life or an over-load of responsibilities in a fragile emotional state? Maybe your kids are reacting rebelliously because they are angry or hurt??
Your Ex may or may not reach out to you. He may chose to fix things or he may chose to leave it all behind. Either way, you have given yourself to him. The door is open and you are NOT an obstacle if he choses to re-connect with you and your children. Now I would let it be and deal with things as they come.
I would not contact. Let him do so and we'll see from there.
I forgot one thing.. I am going back on this specific line. " stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them". I am not so sure. His words would have fought you but his actions would have showed you differently. My Ex would cry to the children about how much he missed them and wished he could see them everyday yet, he had excuses to not follow up with our visitation agreement. He was not so happy when my son chose to move in with him for a year. He pushed son away MANY TIMES. Many fights between the 2 of them. Many trips for me to be there for my son. MANY! It broke my heart but they needed to live it. Son moved back here after the school year was over. They see their father but their anchorage is me.
Hi exquisite Thank you for reading my story and giving me great feedback. I am happy that I am able to give my kids the love they deserve. I usually contacted him for them thinking they don't deserve to be fatherless when their father is alive. But I guess anything I do will seem that him controlling. Trying to make him do what I want . Thanks for sharing your son story, I did consider sending the kids to him on the vacation maybe it will wake up some of his fatherly feelings. But then as you said might backfire . What good can come from hating their father . I think now I got used to not checking msg and not expecting anything from him. I trust ,God brought me here for a reason and both me and kids are doing great. They don't ask about their father much and somehow they got used to him not available no more.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
These bits and pieces I am giving you at the moment are for THIS SPECIFIC TIME in your journey. From what I read.. in 2 months, 6 months, a year, it may change but for now, this is what i see.
Kids are like sponges. They suck in info from all around. They are curious and want stimuli about everything. In an healthy environment, surrounded by good role model, they will take in great insight on how to become themselves great adults. They need the same things we do. Love, shelter, food, clothing, care ... My therapist had mention, regarding my personal situation and my Ex-H' s state, I had to be the BEST me I could be and keep myself grounded so that my children would have a good role model and strong root system, regardless if Ex-H came back or not. The children interaction with their father was an open door and I stayed out of it unless my children got heart emotionally. ( I have 4 kids.. age 6,8,9,13 when he left.. 7 years ago, due to MLC and depression )
"They don't ask about their father much and somehow they got used to him not available no more.".. It is telling me that they are getting everything they need from you !!! Congrats!!!
Do not stand in between them and him.. ( and I can see you are not ). Let him take his responsibility as an adult and father OR he can live with the consequences of HIS choices..
In my opinion, you are succeeding in regards of your parenting. I am very proud of you..
Hello exquisite ... I loved your remark ...this has been my motovthrough this journey and that is to be the best mom my kids can have . And believe me I am much better mom now than before three years ..I learned a lot and somehow focused on what's better. I decided what doesnot break me makes me stronger... was tough the first couple of months but when I focused on my kids things made sense. Then I focused on doing what is right. I did not want to engage in fights and blame. My aim was always that my kids needs a good father hence I will never trash him or lower his status in their eyes. I also focused on dealing with him and others respect based on values I want for my self and not based on what he deserved. I try to keep believing that good will prevail no matter what. I might be naive and I might be hit again but at least I feel peaceful inside . I am so happy to meet someone who think similarly will go today to your thread . Thanks again I loved your response... your kids are lucky to have you in their life.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi ... a bit anxious today... some days go by without thinking of H others I wake up thinking what if. What if he is sick? What if he is depressed?what if he is broke?what if.... I feel I need to reach out something I used to do every time I go dark . What if he get used not having us in his life... what if he forget us... but then I know w if I initiate communication he will respond for a while then desapear... through out I never saw him initiatin contact ... what does that mean? Why. Ant he say what he wants? What is on his mind? He claims his voice was never heard but how can I hear it if he never voice it... why all this passive aggressiveness... well one of those days.. will stay busy so that not to contact . adious
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi again... My mind still thinking... All through the marriage I never saw him apologizing for anyone. If he had an issue with anyone he just stops interaction until the relation dies... He is very social but with new crowd every couple of years..does not keep contact with old friends but also no fights so in case they meet up they usually on ok ground. He doesnot have a close fiend and his relationship with his brother is more competitive. The way he shows love is by act of service which he did a lot of them during our visit in August. I don't think he will ever contact me. One time he said when we were ther that he has lots of patience. But if he doesnot then the relation would not be balanced and surely would not be healthy...he has a very big ego. And willing to accept any consequences forced on him. That is how he sees it . Would he ever wake up? I feel that will happen when all my feeling towards him fade..but I think it would be too late...would I want him in my lifethen
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Today I woke up in a good mood. I managed not to contact last two days my eldest had fever for last couple of days and somehow it totally didnot occur to me that he needs to know. Earlier I would have told him to have an excuse to contact him with sounding pushy but this time it slipped my mind. Well yesterday she contact him on what's app and tell him. He told her that no one told him...so she asked means I said didn't. ...not that she blamed me or so ..but I later on taught about it and figured why would I contact him...whenever he feels he wants to he is welcomed to ask. I think this might have shocked him cause I always told him before. Now he knows I moved on. And I don't need him to know. Toady I feel so much acceptance to my situation. I was reading a biography called love warrior and it was really interesting of how people hide behind their addictions. How fear is controlling us and if we know we will be fine then there is nothing to fear. Maybe going through this is our step to grow. And maybe my H is doing his best with what he knows. And what he knows it is easier to keep running than to face his fears. He will keep spinning . Until he will figure it out. He needs to look inside him and until then I guess he will continue being paralyzed. Somehow I am so peaceful today, he is missing on a lot in life and I don't think he is happy but it is his journey to go through.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi Lana! I love good days, don' t you? Love warrior? Is it from Glennon Doyle Melton? She wrote a book. She also made a quick video called: How to be a love warrior. I would recommend it for Everyone on this site.
All through the marriage I never saw him apologizing for anyone. If he had an issue with anyone he just stops interaction until the relation dies... He is very social but with new crowd every couple of years..does not keep contact with old friends but also no fights so in case they meet up they usually on ok ground. He doesnot have a close fiend and his relationship with his brother is more competitive.
Hi Lana are you talking about my XW here. I think they can't connect with people. My XW had no childhood friends. I believe they are so broken that relationships don't last for them . It's a miracle my time with her was 17 years.
You seem to be having good day.. those are the best.
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Hi exquisite Thanks for the video yes that is the book... and I really enjoyed it. It is nice to know you read it...seems we have similar interests .
Hi Irish You made me laugh when and thought of their similar traits... I guess MLC do have something in common . Sometimes I feel my H gets jealous from me... can anyone believe that... and he just wants to be better although in every aspect he was doing great ... and I never felt I want to overdo him. I was satisfied with what I got and very accepting . He was not... Well I hope one day he will see himself the way I saw him rather how he did.. but until then he need to go ahead with his journey I guess. Just to give some updates...well still no contact since oct 6 . The kids msg him twice during that time. I am not interfering. Today went out with some friends and got some really cool compliments which boosted my ego. Kids doing great my eldest recovered from her fever and I am looking forward for the weekend. My mom is traveling Sunday to my H town along with her friends. I decided not to let him know to avoid any pressures . I know my kids my tell him later and it will be a chance to twist the event saying that she did not contact him....well tough luck I guess what ever I do will be critized so I'll do what I think is best for me and less headache. Adious for now ......
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi exquisite Thanks for the video yes that is the book... and I really enjoyed it. It is nice to know you read it...seems we have similar interests .
Hi Irish You made me laugh when and thought of their similar traits... I guess MLC do have something in common . Sometimes I feel my H gets jealous from me... can anyone believe that... and he just wants to be better although in every aspect he was doing great ... and I never felt I want to overdo him. I was satisfied with what I got and very accepting . He was not... Well I hope one day he will see himself the way I saw him rather how he did.. but until then he need to go ahead with his journey I guess. Just to give some updates...well still no contact since oct 6 . The kids msg him twice during that time. I am not interfering. Today went out with some friends and got some really cool compliments which boosted my ego. Kids doing great my eldest recovered from her fever and I am looking forward for the weekend. My mom is traveling Sunday to my H town along with her friends. I decided not to let him know to avoid any pressures . I know my kids my tell him later and it will be a chance to twist the event saying that she did not contact him....well tough luck I guess what ever I do will be critized so I'll do what I think is best for me and less headache. Adious for now ......
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello My mom traveled today... I earlier decided to go le H know . So that he will not be pressured to meet her . Yesterday kids asked her if she will see their dad ... so in the morning before leaving she decided it is better to send him a msg and let him know she is in town and leave it up to him to decide if he wa td to see her. I thought about it and I guess this is better we should always do what is right and if other party doesnot respond that's their bad not ours . So she did.. I'll know if he replies or not. People started asking me about the situation ... I don't want to say anything bad about him nor I want to think about any . I hope one day he will wake up and do what is right but for the mean while I am detaching my self and focusing on me my kids and let him to God .
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I agree with you! It is what you feel is right you did not do it to please him, you did it for your children. It will be up to him to come forward or not but you did the right thing.
Hello I thought I detached my self but maybe I was wrong. Yesterday I decided to send him an invitation for our dec trip . I said we are wonder if he would like to join in dec gave him our plan if he wants to join that would be nice if not we will try to have fun on his behalf ... of course no answer yet but I can see he has not logged to WhatsApp for last two days which is not normal hence he still didnot see the msg. Would he be in a hospital or would he be in trouble I know he has major back problems... don't know who to call ... should I check his office... or is this mothering and need to get away and detach....is this considered begging and pleading ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
You sent him a message, now leave him alone. If he wants to respond, he will. Calm your mind down...he could be busy, he could be out of town or he just hasn't had the time or inclination to log on to the app. But, whatever the reason, it's not one that your mind needs to be over thinking.
Trust me, if and when he's ready to contact you...he will. Give him the time and space he needs and btw, if you started asking around or try to contact him again...it's called pursuing. No one wants to be "hunted down" for not responding to a message. He's a grown man and he can decide whether or not to get on an app and/or respond.
Keep the focus on you. Continue to plan your holiday as if he may not join in. Life is far too short to mind read and worry about something that may or may not have happened.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello I know you are both correct I need to focus on me and kids only. .This week I kept thinking need to let go . He is an adult and I don't need to rescue him. I am having troubles doing that but one day at a time ...I am doing part time job here when I moved and we'll just got a call from my old work which I took a year leave rather than resign Saying they want me still so as to come back. I am thinking to start with them working from here for couple of months after Xmas. Well when I left I didnot think of going back but they are really nice and I canwork through VPN if they accept. . In the past they have been very accommodating ... I'll send them an email soon and see their response .. I am also willing my to travel bAck and forth every 2 months so let's see. So for last two days I started thinking that I need to depend fully on my self again as if he is not here might be even better.somehow I feel someone above is looking after me. Ok out of the blues my H makes acontact creat a group on WhatsApp with his other number not the one I and mom send a msg on. He puts kids me and him o. The group and send a msg as if he was talking to us yesterday ...here is anew group to communicate and we need to find a picture for the group ...no acknowledgement if he saw mom msg or mine ... my mom is leaving back tomorrow .... his other number shows no activity for a week ... he already has a group with kids why add me ... or is it to tell us use this number now ... any suggestions of how to reply
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I think it's wonderful that your former employer wants you to return to work for them. I would seriously consider it, if and only if, you think you can do it. I would provide them w/your concerns and see if they will accommodate your working from home. If they value you like I think they do, they'll work w/you.
Your h may be telling you, in a passive aggressive way, that he's no longer using the other number and has created a new account elsewhere and has new friends. I think I wouldn't respond right away. I think I would wait a bit and see if he contacts you about the photo. If he does, then thank him for the info. BTW, is there any way that he can transfer the family photo from the old account to the new one? If so, that would be one way for him to do this on his own w/o your help.
Keep the focus on you. Enjoy the time w/your mother and I hope that she travels safely to her "home" destination.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is an idea and I would like Job to reply before you do anything..
What if you ask him if he saw your and your mother' s message on the other group? Let see if he still has access to it. If he does, you will see his activity on the account and he could respond. Were you on the other group? Maybe he is sensing you detaching? This is a positive. Keep your contact to him limited. Let him come to you.
If you decide to ask him if he saw your and your mother's message on the other group, I would phrase it as "h, btw, I was wondering if you happened to see our messages on xxx group?
However, I think I would wait on asking him for a bit. You don't want to appear to anxious and/or needy in responding too quickly. By responding quickly, it tells him that you are sitting around waiting on him to contact you and that you are still Plan B in his mind. Give it a day or so and then respond back, but keep your questions very simple and give him the opportunity to feel like he can respond or not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job! My point is : to see if it is his guilty conscience that created this new group. justification for him not responding in the first place.
I do not know much about those group chats. I am reluctant to advise when it comes to that.
Of course, you could always say "h, thank you for the heads up on the new group address. My mother and I posted a message to you on the old one a couple of days ago." That way, it doesn't look like you are questioning him about what he's done and it leaves the door open for him to make a comment.
Just a suggestion.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi... thanks a lot for your replies ... I will leave it for the day and think about it tomorrow as you said no need to rush anything ... In WhatsApp we use our phone numbers to get msg . He had two phones one for office which he never used with us and one personal... now the activity has stopped on the personal and he send a msg from the work. He is a part owner so no issues there . Me and my mom send directly to his personal phone. As for the group it is a closed group that he used to have between his personal number and kids... the new one he created and added us to it is using his work number and me and kids...
Anyway ... at least he has not forgotten us... I know it is not enough... and he still seems to have a long way to go... my younger kids sent him a picture for the group...he responded with some small smiley faces ... the elder didnot respond ... I guess she doesnot know what to say...I feel the same way... there is no question to answer... well I leave it for now don't want to think about him today...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello I waited for next day to send anything then by end of day yesterday I send as per job recommendation to thank him for the new group but privately on his new number not on kids group . Then I asked if old number is working or we should delete it. He replied to delete it as he was moving to new provider. Intresting so sent it was a pity as my mom send him a msg when she was at his state last week but unfortunately no luck . He sent an apology for not being there . So I replied with apologies accepted . He sent some videos for the kids of funny situation ,,, but nothing personal... well I guess it is his way of touch and go ... let's see if he will disappear soon again ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello As expected touch and go... been three days since his last interaction ... my younger kid sent some smiley faces but nothing else the elder didnot respond at all to the group... she doesnot show anger or disappointment just that nothing to answer ... usually when he initiate contact I try to maintain it for a while until I get frustrated and stop this time I stopped my self early ... trying to be just nice and giving him the neighbour treatment ...I guess sometimes we need to learn from our kids. At least this time he will know if he doesnot want to do an effort to connect no one will try ... it is s pity things reached this situation ...but I am keeping myself busy for the time being ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello again ... I kept my self busy these days .. the distance work option did not work... no issues... maybe there is something better for me here. As to H yesterday he did another touch an go ... he sent couple of msg on the group chat ( the group has me him and both kids) so my elder exchanged some msg with him on some tv series they both are watching then he asked her about her sister and me ... she replied we are doing good... today in the morning we get a new msg of good morning but addressed to kids ... and expressing his love ... well I am happy he started initiating contact with the kids at last I early begged him to show them that he cares about them and not abandon them but he would for a short while then go... now that I let go and stoped trying to fo his relationship with them he started ...well whatever our situation it is important for my kids to feel loved from both parents . For both contact although I am in the group but msg were general and addressed to kids mainly... should I sent any msg or stay low ... please advise
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I think I would remain quiet for a bit. He's just starting to initiate contact w/the children and you don't want to "scare" him off by contacting him just yet. He's inquiring about you and that's a step in the right direction. If the contact continues between him the children up to the holidays, I would send him a msg. that says something like "Happy Holidays. I hope you have a nice holiday season". Nothing too personal.
Continue to give him time and space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job ... I guessed that you would say that... my kids saw his morning msg and that he loves them a lot but they didnot reply... I decided not to interfere ... they never blame him for anything so I guess this might be their way of saying what they want...or they didnot know what to answer him. Usually when I tell them I love you one says "I know "and the other would say " u should" ... anyway I feel good today ...I think I got used to my status and looking forward to the vacation . . Thanks a lot Job for your support I follow your comments to me and others . It gives me a lot of support ....
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello ..... so after his last touch I didnot send anything ... yesterday my youngest replied to his loving them msg say ok cool ... she made me laugh but I said nothing ... my eldest didnot reply... so We wake up today with a new good morning txt msg also addressed to kids with a picture of the fog in his city ... well ... don't know if it is right or not but I sent him privately the msg I earlier sent to his disconnected phone ... that good morning and we plan to travel and is is welcomed to join .... No replies yet.. I am ok whether he replies or not ...I felt I want to do that and it is up to him how to respond ... I feel I am not afraid anymore of whatever happens ...I have been reading detachment thread lately and I think I detached my self of the outcome and results... I am not as emotional as before and after last episode I guess I stopped worrying about wether he is doing well or not . Actually weird enough I got disturbed when I thought I have to answer him back for his last txt and felt uneasy ....happy I didnot .... maybe I am more at ease lately without him .....ummmm what does that say....... I am lately looking and applying for jobs.... I have a part time position and feel things will turn just fine.... I saw lately the Ted talk of Shawn anchor ... I really recommend everyone to see it .... I realized that I am doing a lot of the items he suggested like mediation, 3 gratitude, journally positive, no multi tasking, trying to be in the moment or present and not to worry about tomorrow... yes I would love my marriage to be restored and I know he is a good man but maybe there is wisdom for me to have to go through this ordeal .... and maybe this is better than something else.... anyway since I don't have control over this I just need to work with it... thank you for letting me vent here ... it is good therapy to write down positive feelings .... I hope anyone reading this have a great day ahead....
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
You sound stronger today. Whether it's right or not, you sent a message and invited him along...at least he can make his decision and hopefully get back to you. He really is trying to reach out to the children, but he's got to find a way to mend the fences w/your oldest. Your oldest is a tough cookie and he's got a lot of work to do to reach her.
I hope you have a pleasant day. Stay positive and continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hahaha ... I guess he decided to put me to the test... of course he didnot reply 2 days since I sent him my invitation msg and still no reply ...somehow I did expect it I guess... in usual cases I would have followed it with an angry reply of you don't need to answer or any other angry reply which could escalate and make me the wrong person... usually his is very politically correct and would never send a msg in anger... anyway I felt light and powerful for being able to send it anyhow and not being scared or rejection...but thinking deeply why would anyone receive a nice invitation msg and not reply... well he could be involved with someone... I have no idea if there is someone but in sept he said no and we didnot see anything to suggest... he could be financially very bad ... which I know as a fact.. when we were in sept he didnot have 100 in his wallet and he was working like a dog ... paying bills ... or not interested... kids asked him about his back and he told them he still need the operation soon ... anyway whatever his issue is he need to find his voice and speak up ... until then I am not going to pick a fight because sometimes that is what he wants to relief his guilt feelings if he is having them... well will continue to wait and see if he ever will come back to me ... i wonder how he sees himself st the moment... he used to have very high views about himself... that he doesnot retaliate like I do sometimes... one day he told me he has a lot of patience ...and he is willing to wait until other party kills it... so passive aggressive... well will see who has more patience this time...even if we decided to leave each other I will not make it easy for him to feel goo about it ... by acting decent and with values and hopefully no truth darting ... not easy but I keep reminding my self of my plan ... will keep u posted if he ever pops up again or not ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Just leave him be. There could be any number of reasons why he hasn't responded, but we can read his mind and trust me, you wouldn't want to be in his head right about now. Don't send any more messages...why? Because that is what the old Lana would do. Do a 180 and not send anything to him...stay quiet and calm and when he does respond, treat him as you would a neighbor.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Leave him in God's hands. When he's ready, he'll contact you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello No contact for a week now... what does that mean ... can't he be civilized and just say I can't come with you guys... why does he need to be mean... I find it weird .. he used to always say "if I am in pain no need to have others in pain " what a distorted views he has... he is so much in his head .. or maybe just having fun... I try to look at positive all the time but yo be realistic he didnot talk to me and kids for last 3 months just st some lousy text msg ... what father could do that ... maybe he just doesnot want to be a father nor a husband I guess ...maybe we are better off without him... there is no sane individual who can explain this attitude ... is he punishing me or himself... sometimes I felt he wish I fail I feel it is sick but I have that feeling of him wishing me to fail sometimes ...can u direct me to some stitches with similar situation or abandoning and limited communication to read...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Just thinking ... is he worth standing for ... am I in La la land .. what if he run again later what if this is MO ... he used to be a good father and a good husband but what if he really changed ... what if this is the new H ... I am sure I don't want this...what if he never goes back to himself.. he is so secretive .. I never know what he is thinking.. anyway not planning to contact him anymore when he feels he has a family he can call us otherwise it is better to not consider that he exist .. thanks for letting me vent out at least I will not call and give him piece of my mind now....
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
The past is gone, you have the gift of the present....use it wisely, the future is not ours to see at this time. It will unfold when it's ready.
You can't predict what he will or will not do in the future. Heck, it's difficult enough trying to analyze his every move or statement in the present time. You have no control over him...but you do have control over what you do w/your life. You have control over how you react to his behavior.
If you are asking yourself the question of whether he's worth standing for, etc., then you aren't ready to pull the plug on the marriage. Obviously the two of you loved each other pre-crisis and now he's orbiting the earth searching for himself. Let me ask you this...if your h was in a coma and you didn't know what the outcome would be, would you pull the plug on the marriage the first year or so or would you be willing to continue living your life and continue to pray for him and that he would wake up?
Just remember...you will know when you are ready to pull the plug on your marriage...but I don't think you are there at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you job I really appreciate your support ... I know I have to focus on me and my kids and somehow I feel stuck waiting for him to wake up....maybe it is because I am living at my mom house but honestly she is making everything she can to make us comfortable ... I hate it when people ask me about him ...especially for the holiday season will we be with him or r we meeting him or so... I have not shared much with anyone except of financial difficulties and some depression....I can tell they all have questions in their eyes.... I agree with you I am not there yet to pull the plug... I am stronger and will not contact him for sure but will stand still I guess hoping I suppose. Thank you so much , I really appreciate what you do. I feel you are my inner voice talking to me when I stray a bit..... have a great day ahead.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi I had a chat with my mom . Well she asked my assessment and wether I think this is all a result of him having finance issues .. well although she loved him as a son she is amazed with his way of acting leaving his family not calling and minimal contact. Apparently in her opinion he just want out but will stay dark until I request legal separation . And since he is living on his own he is not affected...I hope I am not kidding my self but I do believe he is a good person. Yes he is coward to take a step to resolve marriage but .... anyway I said I want to wait until he contact me then discuss. When he has the courage to do that and one day he will ( hopefully) then will figure out. I am just letting him go ... she said my father (who passed away begining of this year)would have advised me to be patience and not do anything from anger . As for us staying with her she feels thatGod has sent us to her to get over his loss. She thinks my kids are doing fine and not that much affected somehow they got used to his absence I guess.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi.. so no news since last post 10 days ago... no questions about our travel orang comment... every day passes by I feel I detach more cause I am certain that between his arrogance ego shame and guilt he can never escape the box he put himself in. To keep myself from going forward I would remember an incident to verify my feeling that there is nothing good that can come from him now... i think I use the anger to continue my course either a good M life or none... I looked at some of the stories and one thing in common I found and that was mlc if they decide to come back only when the lbs stand solid and completely let the rope...it seems in the early stages the lbs need to stay nice and move on sleepy keeping dots open but when you hey completely detach and move on Mlc would start noticing ... anyway I think I reached a stage whereby if H I wants a family then he need to work for it... if not we are doing fine without him .
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
A very positive update Lana_71. I hope you and D12/D9 are getting right into the Christmas spirit!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Great update Lana. You are fine with him or without. Stay true to yourself and take care of your Daughters. Standing or not Standing, YOU have a life to live and wonderful children by your side. You created them, they are a gift, a blessing! To me,my children were ALL THAT MATTER !! I worked very hard to break the cycle of a " hard " childhood so that my children, hopefully, won' t go through a crisis of their own as adult. I pray to God that I succeeded.. Have a wonderful holyday season Lana.. xo
Hello... off me go... vacationing ... happy holidays everyone.... I am so much looking forward to travel, kids too... they had lots of exams this month and fix great so very much deserved .... I have been reading some of others stitches which is really eye opener and made me decide although we are different some how stories are so similar . This gives me more confidence to drop the rope.. thank you Andrewp and exquisite for your lovely supportive words... I. S one stronger when I write here in this forum... some friends asks me if he is in depression and financial difficulties shouldn't a wife be next to him ... I try to change the subject and say he is an adult and will figure it out... I am taking care of me and kids and when he misses us he know how to find us... I am not interested with a half baked H ... so don't think I want half measures no more .. maybe couple of months ago I would have accepted crumbs but I don't think I would now... so to all LBS I say happy holidays enjoy the time with your kids. Dear God , I know you are watching over us so if there is any good that can come from H bring him closer if there is not keep him away... I trust in thee...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Happy holidays to you and your kids. Make some new memories on vacation and like you said " let H figure it out "
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Happy holidays, travel safely and definitely enjoy yourself. You've earned the time away.
Leave your h in God's hands. Christmas is the time when miracles do happen and one never knows where a miracle may take place.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello... I am back ... had great time with the kids... wedding was great partying every night... I saw friends haven't seen for sure me time... I feel we rejeuvenated...
I missed h sometimes but then I thought if he was with me maybe I would be stressed thinking if he is doing ok... I just realized that every time we traveled I was not that relaxed trying to fix everything for everyone to be happy ... this time I did not have..:
Of course no msg since dec6 so I sent a msg today kids have fun we are back and that they have a vacation end of Jan if he would like to see them then wished him happy new year in advance...
I know going dark would never go with him ... in my whole marriage life I never seen him going back to any broken relation with any ... he never restart building ... I guess when this break his bad feeling takes over and can't mend it ...
Anyway that is his not mine ... as it says going dark is for me to detach which I think I am doing well... I am not expecting a reply on my msg but I think if will be more difficult to blame me fir cutting him off...
I had great time done friend came one envolved with a separated man which in the beginning I got some chils later on she tried to explain they Have amiable seperation and a year before they met ... I let it go without discussing cause I don't think I can do that and be supportive .. another one came with her h and were fighting or not talking most of that time... I felt I could have been in her place... so I guess I got a better deal...
Anyway came back home ... had so much fun and hope everyone has a good year ahead ...
Last edited by job; 12/31/1605:06 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello job... I know you will not like what I did but ... According to my zodiac this year 2017 I have divorce and separation written all over... imagine the shock I had when I read it... and the disappointment ...to top it he did not reply to my previous two msg ... I really don't want animosity even if we are not together... I wonder how can new year pass with no msg to me or kids ...how could a good person be so insensitive whatever his excuses are. I sent him a msg to day saying " me and kids missed you on new year" not expecting any answer at all. Surprisingly he answered with a msg to me saying"Hello and happy new year to you as well and I missed everyone very much. This year felt the loneliest, hence I worked through the night of the new year ever and days. I hope and I wish this year brings us closer and I wish I get to see my family more." and sent another one to kids giving them love and kisses. Will take it at face value and hope for the he best ... a question he doesnot usually work with going dark should I just send a light msg/joke every couple of days with no expectations or just go back to dark.. any advice.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
It's not a matter of whether I like what you did or not...but how you feel about your actions. If you are comfortable w/your decision to post a message to him, then that is all that matters.
If you think going NC isn't working for you, then try something else. Maybe try a light message in a couple of weeks...but keep your message very light. Of course, you know the drill...keep your expectations very low. If you sense that he's getting annoyed w/your messages, then stop. There is absolutely no right or wrong way when dealing w/a WAW or MLCer. Each situation is different and each LBS will need to figure out what works best in their situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job ... actually he never complained about my msg.. and sometimes he Thankwd me for sending pictures... he was always thankful even when I asked anything to do with kids as if he doesnot expect to be included ... but this frustrated me cause I felt he was distance and doesnot care ... it is like thank you for putting the effort ... but he will never request to be included .. i guess feels weird that he always felt an outsider .. not a father or a husband who has any say in his kids and how they are raised .. it was my feeling that I put effort in keeping him informed and still he doesnot want to be responsible or even an active participant . Keeps all relations on surface never tries to understand how anyone feels wants dreams even his kids ...anyway his birthday is coming will send him a short birthday msg on his birthday.... kids didnot answer his msg to the group... I didnot discuss it...will leave it up to them .... I feel they just don't know what to say to him so they opt to silence....
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello ... I am enjoying my kids a lot... somehow I feel great after the vacation .to my surprise I open the group chat and see 50 msg between him and my eldest ... he started the chat and sent his picture whereby she responded ... interesting enough he asked about our vacation and requested pictures ... she sent him some... then he volunteered some info of being to stressed with work last 3 months and hopefully things will be better and ended it with sending hugs kisses for D2 and moi... and requesting to keep in contact ... anyway I will not read much into it... will stay low and light and send him a msg on his birthday next week ... I am happy he started picking his relation with the kids... I am also happy I stopped trying to control it or fix it....
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello ....well things are good kids doing great in their exams I am so proud of them. We sent him msg on his birthday which he replied on thankfully and that is it.
I got a contract of work for 2 months which is great and will keep me busy. Especially that I see the questions in my moms eyes asking if he called me or the kids ... I know she feels it is a dead case ... she must be wondering how can he just ignore his family and not ask about anything..
Kids vacation is coming of 20 days .. i wish they could have spend it with their father. Sometimes I think to book for a week there just like September ... we enjoyed it and he spent most of the time with us. Or maybe just book tickets for them to go... but then I think I need to wait until he wants to...it needs to be his decision not mine... I wish a lot of things but h stays passive away and claiming working too hard..I know what I am trying to do is control the outcome and whatever I do if it was not his choice it will not work...will let it go ...he claims that he misses his family and hope the new year will give him more time ... but it is alll yet about him not us .not ..what the kids need or me ...he talks about his stuff ..I guess he is still in the victim stage me me me.... and he likes it there...
Will not send anything .... if he doesnot know what is right and what is wrong by this age I guess I can't teach him....
Last edited by job; 01/24/1710:02 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi... I guess I am too sensitive today and I end up blowing it on my mom... well for last couple of days there was some tension... I guess I stopped trying to please everyone... I was trying to help her with house all the time but some how she always find the things that I am not doing well and tell me about them..like my daughter did not brush her teeth and I did not notice or their hair or one dish not cleaned properly....the problem is this behaviour is the same I end up doing earlier with my husband my younger sister and my kids... focusing on what they are not doing right rather that the positives they bring or what r they doing right...thinking I am doing them a favour.. what a stupid person I was..I did so many mistakes with h rather than preserving the relation.... I know I have the to go forward.... I know my h is in a state whereby he feels he will never measure up...he felt a failure and I participated ... anyway one day if we ever have an honest conversation I'll talk about it.. I don't know if mom understood... I am sure she felt hurt but I cried saying I need her to tell me I am the best mom not that I am sloppy ... I know I will never measure up to her expectation as unfortunately h knew he can't measure up to mine ...hence I stopped trying to please as probably he stopped long time ago...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi a bit anxious today....I feel like sending an email to end everything .... I fe l we are both stuck me afraid of leaving and him not sure.... I feel like sending an email saying something like" I have been standing around 2 1/2 years for our marriage ... I thought I can save it but after two years I believe what has been broken will not be fixed . Maybe I was naive maybe I was hopeful but now I realize it is time to wake up and move along. I was afraid for the kids well fair , I was afraid of missing him but I guess kids are doing well and I will ensure they continue... he will always be their father and when he feels better he'll reach for them... I sm sorry I was not able to model a healthy relation for them and I hope it will not affect their future. I am not blaming him nor want to change or fix. It seems w both changed ...." I know if I mention D most probably he will go with it.. might be what he is waiting for....but I don't want to live with someone not sure he want us...so many thought I guess my hormones are playing ... will not Send my thoughts yet will sleep on it for a while..
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Don't send the message. Write the message up and then either tear it up or burn it. I suggest sitting on this for a while and then revisit. If you aren't ready for a divorce, then don't push it. You can't fix him and trying to rush the process won't get you what you want, i.e., answers and his attention.
Leave him be and continue focusing on you and your children I would suggest, if you haven't already done so, see a lawyer to see what you and your children are entitled to, but don't share that info w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
hi job just feel too disrespected ... does he really care what we are going through ...I have been supporting myself and kids for last 3 years ... he used to earlier be a good h but since last 3 years it is as if he is not concerned ...he says he will pay then he never does or even open the subject .. in his few msg he says he is working too hard to make something and pay his debt of his company and help us ... but he completely ignore me .i honestly don't know what to believe no more ... is he lying... I don't know ... what if he is having good time and just keeping me and kids on the shelf ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
No, Lana, your h doesn't care about you or what you are going through at this time. It's all about him and his appearance to others. He may say he is working too hard to make something and pay his debt, but he's not helping you and the kids.
My advice...seek the advice of a lawyer and set up some child support now. It's been three years and it's time he step up to the plate and help take care of his kids and their needs and his support needs to be in line w/what your state says he should pay, not what he thinks he should pay.
In MLC they ignore us, and in some cases, completely. You and the kids are part of his past and he wants to keep the past right there, in the past. He's living in the here and now and unfortunately none of you are part of that present he's living in.
So, my question to you is this...do you want to divorce him? If so, how do you see your life changing once you are divorced and that little piece of paper is in your hand? Will you sell your home and move elsewhere?
If you are ready to file, we will stand behind you all of the way, but I don't think you are there just yet. I think you are totally frustrated w/the way he's been and I also think that we all tend to compare our spouses to the other posters' spouses and how they are dealing w/their mlcs. Each one is different and yet, very similar.
Think long and hard about what you want and when you are ready...you'll know what to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job You are right ... no not ready ...I am not ready to fight about anything ... don't want to fight about money either...I wish this nightmare finishes on it's own ....I know what I want and will not be able to accept crumbs but I am responsible for the stuck place I put my self because I choose to not decide ... how can someone love or even like other who treats them like [censored] ... he doesnot even call for months no new year . Just some silly msg with the kids on some tv series..... thanks for letting me vent will give it sometime to think and recap ... no action today ... good night
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I have read through your posts. What I read in them is your continued hope that your husband will respond in ways that most would consider normal. Unfortunately that is not going to happen right now if ever. My ex did not ever reach out to me until about 4 months after the divorce and her having to face all that she had chosen. We talked and she told me one specific thing that all of us in this situation should know. She told me that she has learned that she cannot trust what her brain was telling her. Keep this in mind every time you expect him to react in a normal fashion and he reacts in another.
My suggestion is to only contact him when it relates to your girls and only if its important. Let the girls contact him if they want to but be prepared to help them after to understand if he does or says something they need help understanding.
Your husband needs to reach the end of the journey he is on. You cannot be there to help unless he asks for it. You can only choose to change your journey.
Give him the room he needs. Give your daughters the support they need. Don't read too much into any time he does reach out to you or your daughters, but be ok that he did. When he communicates more then communicate, when he pulls back then you pull back. Appreciate the little things and don't expect more. Keep moving forward with your life and let him worry about his right now.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Thanks LT ... I really appreciate your wisdom. You and Job have been great in supporting me ... I will try to detach and not to expect anything from him. I need to see the small things and focus on them. I recently got a short term contract for 2 months which I guess will keep me busy and help to divert my attention. My kids don't mention their father and don't msg him regularly ... actually I feel they have nothing to talk to him about. Well let him think what he wants to do in his relationships. Take care everyone and have great day ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello Been a while since I wrote.. there is no update really..he still did not contact me nor the kids. I know I am still hoping. And can't stop. How can anyone live without hope. I have been reading some stitches like foreveryoung maybe trying to find stories were some reconciliation were initiated. Not many I guess but the ones I saw has amazing patience. When I think of my stitch how did I manage close to 3 years of this kind of treatment. I don't regret standing up for my M. Not at all. Yesterday my youngest had a nightmare as she said of me marrying someone else other than her Dad. Poor thing I felt so sad, I tried to comfort her and dismiss the issue but I guess kids know everything even if they don't complain. Anyway me and kids doing great. I am working on a short project which is keeping me busy. Somehow I know things will be good one day. Is it wrong to have hope.
Last edited by job; 02/02/1710:51 AM. Reason: edited word for poster
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I have been reading about prodigal spouses lately...I guess it would be the wayward variety on here, but it is good to see that someone has such great hope and faith while standing for their M. You are an inspiration.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Hi LT I was thinking of your msg last night. Of your wife saying she can't trust what her brain was telling her. I do believe that is true. I have seen some glimps of it from time to time and was amazed how my H was thinking. For example I used to get in touch and keep communication for a while then I try to detach and stop pursuing . Usually if I did he would not prrsue anyway I would give it 2-3 weeks and he would never contact us. Then I would get mad and ask him . His reply would be what about you " you also did not contact me" " you had my number" . In his mind he feels his brother ,sister , mother abandoned him when he had no money . He felt all our friends didn't ask about him or offer help , he forgets they had their life and he never asked for anything. He even has the feeling me and kids abandoned him rather than him abandoning us and we are better off without him in our life . So for 2 years I kept on maintaining the connection , feeling that he is alone and need us to give him that valuable feeling. He kept complaining of things I did which are stupid and taken out of context. I used to blame myself but not anymore. Cause once he was in MLc he would have found anything to complain about. So he criticised his own family and compared himself to my brother and his and always saw himself short. That is part of what goes in his mind which I have no control about and unless he stops comparing and start appreciating both his brother for at least taking care of his mother and sisters emotionally and financially and my brother and mom for being the rock for me and the girls when he decided to bail out. He always thought if he makes enough money all his issues will be solved and we will all love him again. I felt sorry for him but I guess he has to go through his journey to appreciate what he has. A glimpse of my H brain ..,
Now I don't think communicating with him will add anything to me. I pray daily to God to guide him towards his kids. I don't think I can do anything for him anymore as he need to figure it out himself. And sometimes I think what if we are really better off without him in our life?
Last edited by job; 02/05/1703:57 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello ... so I was not ready yesterday to send him a msg but today I was... it started in the morning my youngest sent him a msg and he replied but it seems he didnot have anything to talk to her about so it died some how " you are awesome yeah I am the coolest..." I hope you know what I mean.
On other had I am thinking of the summer and have promised my oldest to visit England and my youngest an iPad based on her year mark in addition to a lot of payments braces, school fees, etc and I don't want to request money . I know it is my right but I don't want that and at the moment will not change my mind . So I decided to go back to my old job out of state and leave kids with mom for a month then they join me and it will be easier since they want to spend some time here and we can travel and do our shopping during that time. So I wrote an email to u stating what I plan to do to cover the cost I have . In the email I said I am telling you this because I will be leaving kids with mom in may , I am planning g summer tickets for better rates if he wants to be included and do that later he doesnot say no body told me. I ended it saying I know he is s great person but need to figure out his way and go through his journey be it with us or not.
I have been a coward earlier not saying my mind feeling things will break down as if I have anything ...just some stupid imagination I guess ... anyway i feel he need to know what I am thinking and up to him to decide if he wants to say something or not.
Last edited by job; 02/05/1703:58 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
" he is s great person but need to figure out his way and go through his journey be it with us or not."
" I have been a coward earlier not saying my mind feeling things will break down as if I have anything "
Those 2 quotes stand out to me.. I' ve been reading your story from day 1 and I have not seen his contribution as a father nor husband. MLC? Maybe. But you have realised that you do not have much to lose since you do not have much with him to begin with.
To me, a father is not a text on the phone.. A father is active in a child' s life. ( unless he is in the army and has no choice ). A husband is a partner.. Support you ( I am not talking money ), encourage you, takes part in decisions, communicate, show love, affection, caring.... You have shown these things towards him.. Have you got any of it back? It breaks my heart to see you put yourself through this. Unless HE COMES FORWARD, you are on your own. He might be a wonderful man but he needs to step up to the plate,, Will he?? When?? What is he never does?? Then what??
Lana, i know i go against db right now.. if you were my mother, my daughter, my best friend, i would want you to invest in a relationship with someone who sees your beauty and the the beauty of your children..someone who would sherish all of you.. your husband MIGHT BE it but he is not and might never be again..
Hi exquisite ... I know what you are saying is true...I would have loved to bash him and tell him I am so happy he is not my father . Unfortunate for my kids although I always thought he could have been s great one. I see him stuck when communicating with them. He doesnot know how to maintain a conversation. Or even what interest them. The other question is it mlc? Definitely I saw the change in clothing he used to be sharp conservative then at 40 got red and orange pants , got a bike which he always wanted now he wear white pants and Fidora hat ... long hair which use to be very short. Drinking more . Values changed. Cynical Self absorbed, victimized all the time and very depressed workaholic . I am sure this is not the man I fell in love with. I know I deserve better but don't feel I am ready yet to start again . But most probably I am ready to move on without him. Thanks for the words they make me stronger to stand up and move forward.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi again Not trying to defend H doing . Nor that he is being a jerk now. But maybe trying to defend what I always saw in him. This guy started work and supported his family since 16. He put his brother to college and he got both sister wedded and paid the wedding expenses. He supported his mom along with his younger brother later . This guy was a generous through our 11 years of marriage even now he doesnot count if he has it he will give it. Or maybe that is how I saw it . This guy used to take care of his kids all the time especially when I traveled on business. But once he had no money and apperently his brother and family didnot care or that is how he saw it he went into depression and mic ... and a totally new guy emerged selfish brutal , careless , ignoring me and everyone else... This sound so sad ... but I still see what he was not what he became.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Lana...that seems to be the case for so many. My W was always the golden child of her family. She was the go between with her parents and her sisters. One sister is a long term addict and the other suffers with anxiety. Her parents are divorced and the MIL shows extreme favoritism with my W, but is an enabler. The FIL is totally passive aggressive passive...if there is such a thing. He also shows favoritism with my W. Four years ago her favorite grandmother (and last grandparent) died and I know that had an affect on her and my MIL.
Now it seems that she is wanting total freedom and is being extremely selfish. She still has a great relationship with my kids and her mother, but everyone else is history...she has always been a great daughter, a great sister, a great mother, and I thought a great wife. I can and will defend her past, but I cannot defend what she is doing now.
I agree with you about seeing what they were and I will not forget that, but most of the advice on here seems to say that that person is gone and might not ever be seen again. I pray daily that she will be returned to me, but I also realize that this is a process that she has to work thru. All things happen in his timing...not ours.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Thanks exquisite for making me write this you made me remember for what I am standing for . I still don't regret anything done and would not change a thing. I am also greatful for having the opportunity for my kids to live with my mom.. it always add to their personality to learn from her. Today she taught both of them how the beds should be arranged perfectly ... it is fun to see her trying to turn them to proper ladies as she put it... i enjoy it and laugh , don't worry she knows her limit but just as a concerned grandma she does what is necessary . She also makes sure she cooks what they love all the time... it nice every time a door closes another one opens ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi SBJ ...thanks for visiting my thread... I really appreciate you sharing your story...yes it is very sad ...I don't know if it ever make sense... as if they were abducted by an alien . My h doesnot communicate between words I would see a msg that he is working alll the time and wishing he will get more time to spend with his family ... I get something like this once a month ... that he is working hard too.. but that is it I have no idea how he is living . He doesnot say he doesnot want us but also doesnot say he do. His actions say he will never come back unless he has money to afford us.
When I compare between ur W and H I feel he was always appreciated for being the best until one day they couldnot live up to expectation .. as if they can't handle feeling less ...does that make sense.
Last edited by job; 02/06/1712:15 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello Been a while since I last posted . I feel sometimes that visiting the forum a lot makes me anxious although I read some of the other stories. Most of them hurt and you wonder how can such nice caring people be treated in this way. I always believed that we are all human and no one is evil but then again I see people treat others so bad ...
Anyway I have been blessed by this short term contract till April. It keeps me so busy to even think about anything nor check my phone or msg . The pay is ok but it doesnot matter. What is important is me completely detaching... which I think I am doing.
So after my last email to him which I honestly did not expect a reply but I thought that I will do tell him of my summer plans so that later he doesnot play the Victim role which he loves doing to himself. And due to the fact that my plan is to be away till end of the summer so last week I send him an SMS saying I plan to visit him fir only a weekend and if he agrees we can spend some time together. Somehow in my mind I wanted to see where he is now and maybe completely let it go before summer. He was traveling and answered back that he was thinking the same after reading my email and thinking of coming to us too , needs to sort some visa issues. But will contact me in next day when he is back to plan both visit. Well I didnot expect much , another way of running away . Took him a week to contact me and say he is on a plane somewhere and will be back in two weeks. So suggesting I come over first week of march . He also is managing the visa to visit us but might take some time that is according to him. I offered help but he said he has some one. My reply was good have safe trip and let me know when you have a weekend off after coming back.
Regardless of this I don't expect much will still go with my plans in April . If he contacts me in two weeks will go to see him for a weekend ... if not then it is fine..nothing I guess will change ...even if I go I don't expect much maybe just me feeling is it worth it or not. He keeps playing charades but it doesnot bother me no more. I don't tell anyone about our contact hence no one asks about details.
Valentine came with no msg to me and a short one on the group chat for his girls as he put it. My youngest thanked him the oldest ignored it me too..
I have been reading Raine - not yet done - but her signature says after all this he moved out .. I know there is no garauntees but what I am thinking is that what I might have in my mi d is yotopia our old life ..most probably he can ever go back so most probably I'll be shocked with him now . Will I like what I see? Would I want to live with that? I am having some doubts now ...do I need someone who doesnot know how to keep his word? Would I need someone who is not dependable? Would these behaviour irritate me and bring the worst in me which I am now so far away from them...
Have a good one DB ers
Last edited by job; 02/17/1705:19 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello Job Just a quick question , where can I get Sally Conway and Jim Conway book electronic version . Appreciate if you have an idea... I can only find paperback and it is so expensive
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
The Conway books are really old, but good. Did you try the library first? I wouldn't purchase them if you can locate them there. I haven't seen them in electronic format, however, did you do a "google search for Jim and Sally's books. You might find them there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Journaling I have been very busy with my short term work at least it will cover next year school tuition for the kids without drawing much from my saving. I am still planning to travel next month back to my old state and resume work I will rent a one bedroom and manage it forward. Somehow I am looking forward to some me time on my own. I don't know how to put it without sounding awful . My relation with the girls is amazing . I feel they grown up and blooming beautifully here. I am so proud I brought them back to my state . They are learning new language and expressions ... amazing ... also our house is usually full so my sister will travel in around every month my brother is also planning for a visit. The extended family also shows them a lot of love that I am so grateful for.
On the H front not much I guess ... in mid feb I sent him an email detailing my travel plans for summer. No comments ... couple of days later I sent a msg saying I am thinking of visiting him for a weekend if he is available . In my mind I just wanted to get over this situation face to face in or out. He responded saying he was also thinking to visit after my email but traveling at the moment and first week of march might be good time to visit since he is currently traveling . I responded back with let me know which weekend is convienient as I can only do weekends this month. He said he will after he finish his travel plan [censored] . No answer after that...I guess he is not ready yet to meet me. Still running... he doesnot want to talk responsibility or provide any emotional support for his kids either. Anyway I guess we are doing fine and I am lucky I have a family that supports. I still plan to go ahead with my travels ... and rather than me planning around his schedule waiting for when he wants to be with us I will go ahead with mine and let him find out what suits him...this is something new to me as I usually is very considerate and inclusive... when he contacts me to visit I'll check if that weekend suits me or not ... if not I will suggest another time. This job has helped me so much in detaching ... I come so tired everyday and spend rest of my energy with the kids. one my things that tells me he is completely not ready is that he can't commit to any date he specify . For example he will say I will let you know on Sunday... Sunday comes and goes and a full week passes and he didnot contact me. Or I will do something on so and so and nothing happens. I used to call him on it as this is one of my triggers cause I build so much expectation on a specific date then I hear nothing and start following up. Lately I don't believe him at all ,so when he say he will do something I have zero expectations that he will . But to me it sounds so weird but why does he do that . Why would he define a specific date of hen not send a msg to clarify the delay. Is it just to make me edgy ... possibly...now I completely ignore him . I wonder if he is aware of that...
Thanks for letting me vent a bit... I hope everyone have the strength needed to let go when needed.
Last edited by job; 04/08/1701:31 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello... I am so excited I just bought my tickets to travel along with the kids ticket for our summer trip . I got an amazing deal. I feel it was sent by God as I 'Ve never seen this price before and I have been monitoring for a while now . So from mid April till August we are booked and busy. As to H still nothing from his side ...mom was asking if he contacted me . I replied no and I am moving forward .. when he remembers us we can discuss. But as of now I don't have to consult him as he seems doesnot want to be engaged . It is a pity that we reached this I would have always respected him and discussed plans with him... but somehow now he whiches he had no family I guess..probably
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I am so happy to read that you've bought your tickets to travel alone with the kids this summer! You are going moving forward and will be enjoying yourself along the way.
Your h is doing the typical MLC stuff, i.e., avoiding family. Don't let it bring you done...it's his loss.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job... I feel good and excited about it . My eldest saw some msg on my phone to my friends telling them of our date for travel so she asked if I told her dad . I said he knows roughly that is my plan but she insisted if I told him just like I said to my friends so infront of her I opted to send him a msg with our dates of travel mine and kids . I don't expect a reply , I was not planning to tell him unless he asked but I guess I did not want my daughter to feel bad so I did.
Yes it is typical mac stuff I guess . Anyway as you said his loss we are doing fine and be fine.
Last edited by job; 04/08/1701:31 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
hwllo... it's been a while since my last update... not much happening I finished my contract and planning to travel soon. Kids doing great at school .. so proud of them my relationship with them is great they rarely ask about their dad anymore ... a lonely msg from time to time but nothing much ... on the other hand I earlier send him an email saying we need to sit down and talk but he kept saying he is traveling and will let me know... at the end I sent him an email saying if he started a life somewhere else and don't want commitment to any of us he is free to go and can go ahead with divorce too. I guess no divorce busting skills at all. But I guess I got fed up of chasing someone doesnot even want to talk... but I know I don't want to live with this kind of behaviour .. I am sorry n a much better place now than before... I am traveling in two weeks time I thought I will see him before that but now I think not... which mean will not see him till end of summer... I think that is great ... I feel I am now moving on without him in my life... when I sent him that email he replied that he still wants to talk and got tangled with money issues... he still cares and hewants to be a father and a husband to us one day.he says he realize that it is his fault that kids are distant and what he put us through.. what a distorted way of thinking and I should wait till he wake up I guess... I learned a lot about myself now and I don't need him no more . I guess he is with eithdrawal and depression stage now but not sure if h ever will shape from it as a healthy person.
Anyway spring is here now and life looks much more promising... somehow I know everything will be good.
Last edited by job; 04/01/1706:13 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi Job All is good my side .. keeping myself too busy and enjoying it. H last msg was march 14 when i s bs a msg releasing him from our commitment and offering D . Well his msg was he loves his family and hope you will be a better h and better father. He realizes that he is to blame but no explanation of why he keeps doing what he do of ignoring his family if he says he misses them and planning to visit ... anyway I left it at that .. not really believing much... I guess I've been here too many times thinking he woke up but then he would not follow anything up. So he sends kids msg today say how is it going? What a lame msg for kids who didnot here from him for three weeks.. my younges replied "going cool" I laughed I guess she answered him according to his question..
I would like to ask till when this stage of touch and go continues. Anyway I am traveling soon and can accommodate any plans for next four months ... I am happy that I decided to move on and he needs to change his schedule if he wants to meet otherwise tough luck we can't do it...and if he is still in mlc I guess better for him to stay where he is...not the best empathetic views for his situation.
Can you explain to me what does he want ..
Last edited by job; 04/08/1701:31 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Touch and goes can go on and on. It's their way of reminding us that they are out there and we are a connection for them. Yes, even when they think we are the enemy, they have to think that we are right where they left us. Some will continue this throughout the crisis and others hit and miss.
No one can explain to you what your h wants. We can "assume" all day long, but the assumptions are just that. If we could mind read and know what they want...we all would be rich using those skills. Let's face it, he doesn't know what he wants and we sure can't rationalize his thoughts and behavior.
The best thing to do is continue as you have been and leave him in the mlc mode.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Are you okay? This posting is the exact same one that I've already replied to this afternoon. Do you want me to delete it?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job ... yes sure just delete that one ... Thanks for answering my questions... you are right... no way to know what he wants . Since I don't see him I have no way to figure out whether he is in replay or depression or withdrawal. I don't know if there is someone in his life or not. Whether he is partying or sleeping early... whether what he says of working a lot is true or not... anyway I guess knowing will not be of help either. Me and kids are doing well. As I said they rarely ask about him anymore and I try to avoid the subject.
Sounds like you are doing well The kids do adjust and mine never ask anything about dad I think although strange , they accept this "new" dad as mostly unavailable
Its hard to know what the MLCer is doing and sometimes we may not know for a while if ever Best to continue taking good care of yourself and your kids
we will get more information as time goes on and when we are ready to know more- hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Job ... yes sure just delete that one ... Thanks for answering my questions... you are right... no way to know what he wants . Since I don't see him I have no way to figure out whether he is in replay or depression or withdrawal. I don't know if there is someone in his life or not. Whether he is partying or sleeping early... whether what he says of working a lot is true or not... well, you do know he's not up for being a h or father in any full time way. It's been 3 years and he doesn't bother saying what he does want. My guess is that He's not going to file for D, but he will not do anything to stop you from filing.
What is it you fear about divorcing, given that you are already supporting your kids and you have no mate?
I hope I'm not being too blunt. It's just that I see some similarities in your situation although in my case, h did show interest & called us often. Just from far away.
is this really something you want to keep doing?
anyway I guess knowing will not be of help either. Me and kids are doing well. As I said they rarely ask about him anymore and I try to avoid the subject.
Lana, I deleted the duplicate posting.
I'm delighted to see that the kids are alright. You will be too
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25yearsmlc for your comment I agree it has been 3 years he doesnot want to be a husband or a father. Here is a copy of his last msg when I sent him a msg releasing him from commitment towards me and hoping he still wants to be in his kids life. "
"This is a long one.. there are many things in this which we (you and I) need to work on. I am not ignoring anyone.... I miss my kids and life we once have a lot. I miss the way things were.... and I also recognize how I screwed them up. However, I want to meet and have us talk them out. I want to be a father and hopefully and better husband.l but I got tangled up in the whole money thing badly that I am trying to find the way out of it. And I will very soon"
"In the meanwhile, I do want to meet and talk.... I am arranging the visa and also in the coming week by Monday should be able to see where I will be on a weekend. I cannot stress more that I how much I want to talk about us"
"And I only can appreciate your efforts in the kids and what have you done so far for everyone"
After this I received nothing for a month , then he sent the kids one msg ...how is it going?
One of the things that always pushed my buttons was committing to a date such as Monday and never bringing it up later. Not even apologizing ... I always thought it is a passive aggressive trait and we always had argument on don't give dates a commitment if you don't want to deliver and apologize if you donot.
Anyway I don't know his circumstances but for my own sake it is better to believe he is trying rather than doesnot care. I know this would not solve the issue but as peacetiday said I have to wait and see.
I will not be gaining anything with divorce except the freedom to date which I don't feel yet . Hence I say patience is better than taking a decision to Divorce.
Now I am travelling out soon. He didnot ask me anything about them or details of my flight thinking we might meet . Don't know if I should completely go dark or send him a msg of me traveling on the day and kids are with my mom. About two months ago I did send him a rough idea of my plan but he never asked.
Thanks 25years and peace today for visiting my thread. I am not afraid of Divorce no more , nor I am afraid to live as start again. I might be sad for what could have been but nothing more. I know I will be fine and I know that at the moment he is not yet husband nor father material and I will not settle for crumbs maybe earlier in the journey but not any more.
Last edited by job; 04/17/1705:07 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello so here is my latest update... I traveled out and left the kids with my mom . I know a very difficult move but it was needed if I want the kids to come over and have a good summer plan. I started my job a contract for 3-4 months and kids will join me in 4weeks. Looking for an apartment now to fix things before their arrival. On airport I decided to send a msg to H telling him I am on the airport leaving kids with mom for 4weeks. Although I did inform him 2 months ago and he never opened that subject. I didnot expect a reply but decided it is the right thing to do as he is now closer in distance to them than me. Some how my younger msg her father to tell him I left and he started msg back and forth with her. Then Weird enough my younger kid made a big fuss at home looking for something for school which she misplaced, so she went into a panic mode and since I was in the plane my older kid decided to contact her dad and he called her back for 45 min . First call in 8 months with the kids. So when I landed I saw 40 msg between kids and him and one directed to me asking if I reached safely. Somehow maybe me leaving was a good thing. Today they also msg with him expressing how much they loved him and he msg back ... very interesting . Note I have view access and to their msg . Anyway i am happy to see maybe me letting go made him step up ... I guess I should have left long time ago.... I hope he will not disappoint them but it is his relationship with them. His call to make it or break it. This time I will completely stay far from that. I guess learned my lesson . Can't force him to be a father nor I can teach him . He need to figure it out . That is it for the time being ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Lana, I have been following your posts and admire your strength and perseverence. I can't imagine how you have been able to do this so long. I think you have it right. The more you handle everything the less he has to do (I'm in the same boat but in a different way). You have a great situation with the kids safe with your mom and him seemingly like he feels the need to step up. The more time you spend thinking and talking to people, the more you want to think about and talk to those people. Perhaps he truly is emasculated by the financial situation and now feels that he finally has something to contribut to the family with your absence?
Hello ownit, thanks for the lovely words. Maybe he is possibly probably... today I read a nice quote " rejection is God protection" and I believe that is very true. I think with all the heart ache I got I was spared something much worse . So what couldnot break me made me stronger. Yesterday while looking into some emails I saw an email I got from H a year ago when I decided to move back with mom and I really wonder If his tone changed or not. He is s very stubborn guy and doesnot show his emotion and would always try to be politically correct. This was a part in an email. But it got stuck with me. I wonder...
"You have always done what you have made up your mind to, and that's a quality you have.
How I live, is very different from how you would want me to live. "
I have seen lots of passive aggressive behaviour in the past. So knowing really his feeling is not easy... it is weird but sometimes rather than feeling good I used to feel partypooper, bossy wife although I don't think I was ( maybe sometimes) . Don't know if that makes sense to anyone.. now 3 years away from him I don't feel that. Maybe we all changed .
Last edited by job; 04/22/1707:12 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
His statements make a lot of sense to me. He is stating that you've always known what needs to be done and have taken care of things and that's your quality.
His quality of life is far different from yours and, in his mind, he thinks you are expecting him to be the same way, i.e., the way you do things.
Let me ask you this...how are his parents? Were they strict or expected him to do things their way all of the time? Is he projecting on to you the way his parents think and their expectations of how he should be?
People change, but that statement says a lot about him and maybe what transpired as he was growing up. Think about my questions for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello job He is the oldest. He started helping his family taking odd jobs since 16. His mom always had very high expectations from him and he was an excellent until mock when he ditched everyone not just me and the kids. His dad was a very well respected person but worked inanother city so was home only on weekends. He passed when h was 26 so u had to put his brother and sister into college and then he his sister married . He was an excellent h, son , brother but when mlc happened he rebelled on all of us and cut ties with all. Me, his mom, his brother his sited and his friends . The only ones who he did not blame or scream at were his kids and his younger sister. But he abandoned them emotionally to hurt me us I guess.
Anyway here is my latest update. I am having fun enjoying my life especially that I feel me leaving opened a space for his to step up. So rather than feeling guilt that I left my kids I think I did the best thing for them. It has been 5 days since I left he has been msg them daily sometimes they initiate others he does. He keeps telling them how much he loves them and I am so happy that my kids will feel loved by him. The new thing is that he suggested they skype tomorrow. Another phone call in one week. Let's see if they do. He knows I can view their msg but Kam not commenting.
Still looking for an apartment hopefully will find one soon
Last edited by job; 04/24/1708:41 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
I'm so happy that he is continuing his efforts with the kids. My H's on/off behavior with my kids has been so hard on all of us. I can let go of my anger about a lot of the things he has done, but the children are my hot button. I hope your H keeps it up!
Last edited by job; 04/26/1706:15 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Congrats!!!