Am I in withdrawal ... will he ever wake up

[exquisitetobe]

I forgot one thing.. I am going back on this specific line. " stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them".
I am not so sure. His words would have fought you but his actions would have showed you differently. My Ex would cry to the children about how much he missed them and wished he could see them everyday yet, he had excuses to not follow up with our visitation agreement. He was not so happy when my son chose to move in with him for a year. He pushed son away MANY TIMES. Many fights between the 2 of them. Many trips for me to be there for my son. MANY! It broke my heart but they needed to live it. Son moved back here after the school year was over.
They see their father but their anchorage is me.

[Lana_71]

Hi exquisite
Thank you for reading my story and giving me great feedback. I am happy that I am able to give my kids the love they deserve. I usually contacted him for them thinking they don't deserve to be fatherless when their father is alive. But I guess anything I do will seem that him controlling. Trying to make him do what I want . Thanks for sharing your son story, I did consider sending the kids to him on the vacation maybe it will wake up some of his fatherly feelings. But then as you said might backfire . What good can come from hating their father .
I think now I got used to not checking msg and not expecting anything from him. I trust ,God brought me here for a reason and both me and kids are doing great. They don't ask about their father much and somehow they got used to him not available no more.

[exquisitetobe]

These bits and pieces I am giving you at the moment are for THIS SPECIFIC TIME in your journey. From what I read.. in 2 months, 6 months, a year, it may change but for now, this is what i see.

Kids are like sponges. They suck in info from all around. They are curious and want stimuli about everything. In an healthy environment, surrounded by good role model, they will take in great insight on how to become themselves great adults. They need the same things we do. Love, shelter, food, clothing, care ... My therapist had mention, regarding my personal situation and my Ex-H' s state, I had to be the BEST me I could be and keep myself grounded so that my children would have a good role model and strong root system, regardless if Ex-H came back or not. The children interaction with their father was an open door and I stayed out of it unless my children got heart emotionally.
( I have 4 kids.. age 6,8,9,13 when he left.. 7 years ago, due to MLC and depression )

"They don't ask about their father much and somehow they got used to him not available no more.".. It is telling me that they are getting everything they need from you !!! Congrats!!!

Do not stand in between them and him.. ( and I can see you are not ). Let him take his responsibility as an adult and father OR he can live with the consequences of HIS choices..

In my opinion, you are succeeding in regards of your parenting. I am very proud of you..

[Lana_71]

Hello exquisite ... I loved your remark ...this has been my motovthrough this journey and that is to be the best mom my kids can have . And believe me I am much better mom now than before three years ..I learned a lot and somehow focused on what's better. I decided what doesnot break me makes me stronger... was tough the first couple of months but when I focused on my kids things made sense. Then I focused on doing what is right. I did not want to engage in fights and blame. My aim was always that my kids needs a good father hence I will never trash him or lower his status in their eyes. I also focused on dealing with him and others respect based on values I want for my self and not based on what he deserved. I try to keep believing that good will prevail no matter what. I might be naive and I might be hit again but at least I feel peaceful inside . I am so happy to meet someone who think similarly will go today to your thread . Thanks again I loved your response... your kids are lucky to have you in their life.

[Lana_71]

Hi ... a bit anxious today... some days go by without thinking of H others I wake up thinking what if. What if he is sick? What if he is depressed?what if he is broke?what if.... I feel I need to reach out something I used to do every time I go dark . What if he get used not having us in his life... what if he forget us... but then I know w if I initiate communication he will respond for a while then desapear... through out I never saw him initiatin contact ... what does that mean? Why. Ant he say what he wants? What is on his mind? He claims his voice was never heard but how can I hear it if he never voice it... why all this passive aggressiveness... well one of those days.. will stay busy so that not to contact . adious

[Lana_71]

Hi again... My mind still thinking... All through the marriage I never saw him apologizing for anyone. If he had an issue with anyone he just stops interaction until the relation dies... He is very social but with new crowd every couple of years..does not keep contact with old friends but also no fights so in case they meet up they usually on ok ground. He doesnot have a close fiend and his relationship with his brother is more competitive. The way he shows love is by act of service which he did a lot of them during our visit in August. I don't think he will ever contact me. One time he said when we were ther that he has lots of patience. But if he doesnot then the relation would not be balanced and surely would not be healthy...he has a very big ego. And willing to accept any consequences forced on him. That is how he sees it
. Would he ever wake up? I feel that will happen when all my feeling towards him fade..but I think it would be too late...would I want him in my lifethen

[Lana_71]

Today I woke up in a good mood. I managed not to contact last two days my eldest had fever for last couple of days and somehow it totally didnot occur to me that he needs to know. Earlier I would have told him to have an excuse to contact him with sounding pushy but this time it slipped my mind. Well yesterday she contact him on what's app and tell him. He told her that no one told him...so she asked means I said didn't. ...not that she blamed me or so ..but I later on taught about it and figured why would I contact him...whenever he feels he wants to he is welcomed to ask. I think this might have shocked him cause I always told him before. Now he knows I moved on. And I don't need him to know. Toady I feel so much acceptance to my situation. I was reading a biography called love warrior and it was really interesting of how people hide behind their addictions. How fear is controlling us and if we know we will be fine then there is nothing to fear. Maybe going through this is our step to grow. And maybe my H is doing his best with what he knows. And what he knows it is easier to keep running than to face his fears. He will keep spinning . Until he will figure it out. He needs to look inside him and until then I guess he will continue being paralyzed. Somehow I am so peaceful today, he is missing on a lot in life and I don't think he is happy but it is his journey to go through.

[exquisitetobe]

Hi Lana!
I love good days, don' t you?
Love warrior? Is it from Glennon Doyle Melton? She wrote a book. She also made a quick video called: How to be a love warrior. I would recommend it for Everyone on this site.

[Irish M]

All through the marriage I never saw him apologizing for anyone. If he had an issue with anyone he just stops interaction until the relation dies... He is very social but with new crowd every couple of years..does not keep contact with old friends but also no fights so in case they meet up they usually on ok ground. He doesnot have a close fiend and his relationship with his brother is more competitive.

Hi Lana
are you talking about my XW here. I think they can't connect with people. My XW had no childhood friends. I believe they are so broken that relationships don't last for them . It's a miracle my time with her was 17 years.


You seem to be having good day.. those are the best.

Irish

[Lana_71]

Hi exquisite
Thanks for the video yes that is the book... and I really enjoyed it. It is nice to know you read it...seems we have similar interests .

Hi Irish
You made me laugh when and thought of their similar traits... I guess MLC do have something in common . Sometimes I feel my H gets jealous from me... can anyone believe that... and he just wants to be better although in every aspect he was doing great ... and I never felt I want to overdo him. I was satisfied with what I got and very accepting . He was not...
Well I hope one day he will see himself the way I saw him rather how he did.. but until then he need to go ahead with his journey I guess.
Just to give some updates...well still no contact since oct 6 . The kids msg him twice during that time. I am not interfering. Today went out with some friends and got some really cool compliments which boosted my ego. Kids doing great my eldest recovered from her fever and I am looking forward for the weekend.
My mom is traveling Sunday to my H town along with her friends. I decided not to let him know to avoid any pressures . I know my kids my tell him later and it will be a chance to twist the event saying that she did not contact him....well tough luck I guess what ever I do will be critized so I'll do what I think is best for me and less headache.
Adious for now ......