Hello 3 years in mlc I did not know my husband was unhappy or that is what he says. He went into depression spacing out and distancing himself. Then I found out about the other women he claims it is not physical . At that time we were living in two different states he had done financial issues and I was working. He stopped sending us any money and with the financial support he also stopped any emotional support. He stopped connecting with his mom and brothers . He disconnected with all friends and claim no one cares about him. Then he took a big loan for his work and this put a lot of pressure on him. At that time I was very hurt initially I pleaded,begged,sent gifts you name it but then I guess I started to get more grounded. I focused on me took courses and mainly took care of my two girls . I tried to be the fun happy mom for them . It started by faking it but later I stared to feel happy again enjoying my time and making the best of my circumstances. I stopped being angry and started feeling pity for him. Of course the way he kept punishing me is by disconnecting and not asking about me and the kids knowing I was not in my home state either. Hencecaway from my family and friends. There are as some moments he was nice to us calling us but they were not many and were mainly initiated by me trying to reconnect. He came once during that time was nice but broken . On August I decided we need to relocate to him and see if we can rebuild something . I offered to chip in with the cost he said ok in the beginning then after I gave notices and stated the process he started recreating distance again. So I traveled to my home state which is closer to the state he is currently working in maybe if we have similar time zones things will be better . Kids were dying to see him but he was weird one day he said he will take them Disney next he says maybe we go on a trip then he dispear. At then end I decided to enroll them in schools at my home state and I lived with my mom who was great to open her house for us. Ten days before school I sent him a msg I will travel to his state and rent a hotel with the kids if he wants to see us he is welcomed if not it is up to him-a day later he did not answer I got scarred. So I sent a msg saying I decided not to do that feuds it will be a big blow for my kids if he decided not to see them. He replied back to make the booking. So we went and I am happy we did.here are my observations
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your reply ... I will be going through the threads suggested... I really appreciate your help. Going back to my story when we were there here were my observation 1- he seemed broken ... currently living in a shared house with my other two people to lower expense... same house 4 years ago . 2- his emotional affair was with a work colleague in a different country which he seems stopped at least a year and half ago and she left the company 3- although he is working hard but all his money goes for the loan he got to buy 20% of his company 4- he does I own a car and uses company car or his friends 5-major back ache recently and uses medication all day .dr recommended a survey which he is postponing because of time, fear and maybe cost. I offered to pay for it but he declined saying he will do something 6- he stayed with us in the hotel room for all the days except once he said he had to go meet a client outside state and was at hotel in the morning breakfast 7- he was courteous civilized nice but still distance .. cash was limited so I paid for our outings dinners but he was the driver and accompanied us in all outing. 8- he took us to malls boardwalk night drive although he was working st hotel lobby all day while we were swimming then we went for lunch or dinner 9- I wanted to make it a special time for kids to see him and enjoy him 10- his main focus is to make money and all his problems will be solved 11- limited interaction. With his mom and family even when once she visited him he claimed not in state 12- he was still irritable edgy sometimes which I felt walking on egg shells 13- he seemed so preoccupied he says it is work and bank commitments . Sometimes his cell phone gets disconnected due to non payment 14- when I came back I thanked Gina hoped to keep in touch .. I renewed the offer to pay for his back operation 15- note he never apologized for anything he still feels a lot is my fault and sometimes he says he has to prove himself. 16- he loves his kids but doesnot know how to get close to them. 17- although I miss our old days living back with him in this state will be pain so maybe living back home is much better for me and kids After we came back we sent some msg my aunt passed away he called me then he went blank I sent some msg . Small msg about kids and have it heard from him for a month now... it bothers me that although financially he can't support but he also withdraw every thing .. sometimes I feel he punishes me because I care about the kids so much . Anyway I decided not to contact him now and let it go. If it meant to be then he will contact us if not then it is what it is.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
For the record I have gone dark multiple times before but it never worked after 2-3 weeks I would be always the one to reestablish contact . Not that he object actually he welcome for a while then start distancing again saying he is busy. Now after 2.5 years of this I believe nothing will change and he is not willing to put effort in just maintaining a civil connection with me a kids. He knows my fear from divorce but now maybe I need to face my fears. As I can see nothing will work if he keep subbotaging my efforts . It's like he wants me to give up and ask for divorce. Although he never suggested that but all his actions says he wants me to take the decision by being passive aggressive . I told him more about Han once that I care he is fine doing well regardless if we go back together or not. I am not a vindictive person and for my kids sake having a good father is important but I guess if I was the nasty wife stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them now I guess he doesnot care if we are well or not as if he is not responsible for any. Do you think going dark and no initiate contact even if this never happened worked before?
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Going no contact (NC) is the way to go. It's evident from your posting that he doesn't want to be reminded of what he's done and left behind. What you've been doing is called "pursuing" and when they are in crisis, they consider that a way of reining them in and reminding them of what they've left behind and actually can create more guilt on their part for their behavior.
If you only gave it 2-3 weeks, I can see where it wouldn't work. You've got to remain in the NC mode and only contact him if it is an emergency. Allow him to come to you and then follow his lead in conversations. Let me put it this way and hopefully it will help you. Think of a skittish kitten or colt. The more you attempt to catch them, the more they run in the opposite direction. If you allow the kitten or colt to come to you when they are ready, then they will slowly but surely come up to you...but you still need to be mindful of the interactions w/them in order to keep them coming back again and again.
How can your h miss you if you are contacting him? He can't. He can't work on himself if you are contacting him because his focus is on avoiding you and not on himself. If he contacts you, be pleasant/civil and do not have relationship discussions w/him at this time. If he brings up divorce, advise him that you need time to adjust to how things are and going to be before getting into an indepth discussion about divorce. Do not bring divorce up on it will definitely be on his radar!
Last edited by job; 11/09/1608:50 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For the record I have gone dark multiple times before but it never worked after 2-3 weeks I would be always the one to reestablish contact . Not that he object actually he welcome for a while then start distancing again saying he is busy. Now after 2.5 years of this I believe nothing will change and he is not willing to put effort in just maintaining a civil connection with me a kids. He knows my fear from divorce but now maybe I need to face my fears. As I can see nothing will work if he keep subbotaging my efforts . It's like he wants me to give up and ask for divorce. Although he never suggested that but all his actions says he wants me to take the decision by being passive aggressive . I told him more about Han once that I care he is fine doing well regardless if we go back together or not. I am not a vindictive person and for my kids sake having a good father is important but I guess if I was the nasty wife stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them now I guess he doesnot care if we are well or not as if he is not responsible for any. Do you think going dark and no initiate contact even if this never happened worked before?
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi Job I know you are right I really need to let go and face my fears . I am already taking care of everything . I guess at this moment he is in a state we can't help and he needs to help himself. It feels weird that someone takes a sabbatical 3 years on his family. Iknow I tried my best to make him feel wanted wether it is wrong or not I am ok with that cause I feelgoodvabout me . Even infront of my kids they know their mom worked hard to get us together. These years were great for me my relation with my kids got stronger and I am so proud of them being able to deal with the move and their father distance in a great way. I also worked on my self and took some course . I went with friends went for walks. I didnot share my status with any just that we have some issues and he has financial issues need to overcome. Now I relocated my family back to my parents house . I have always been blessed with a great family who will always support me. When we had our problems he always said that I have a better family than his .yes I am proud to have a close family and I believe his family is also good but somehow he always felt a bit inferior . One of his issues that I always find a way to survive .he says things come to me easily but he has to struggle to succeed . Anyway I guess I can't change his way of thinking nor can I make him feel better about himself in a good way . I can't fix what I didnot break. Thank you for listening and your great advice .
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi job Thanks for the dance pursuit thread. It was shocking to see how much of a text book purser I am and distances he is. I kept gaining him excuses feelin he might be depresses on his own and need help. Although it might be true but he has to deal witty that in order to return to us, if ever. I always pushed him and the kids to maintain some contact together now for the last month I don't if he wants his kids he can initiate his own contact, if not well tough luck. He is a mature man reponsible for his actions. And if people later on don't give him the attention he wants then it is a result of his action. He sometimes complains that he does a lot to people but they don't act accordingly.well not my problem any more. My relation with my kids is great although we live at myparents house but they feel the love from the whole family. That was a main reason I came back. It is not my love they have, the have their grandma ho is spoiling to them and a big extended family. After his abandoning us I felt we all need my family. I got a part time job but since moving back my bills are much reduced. I am so great full to God for giving me the strength to move forward and provide the best situatio for my kids in spite of the circumstances he put us through.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi , 40 days with no contact. Just some txt with his daughter before yesterday when she contacted him. I guess he never initiate contact neither with me or his kids or his family. When ever I used earlier ask him if he missed us and why he go s missing he replies my phone was on no one called. I sometimes feels he has twisted logic all the time. One day we were talking about the kids and his reply was I have to work and make them money later on if they want to talk to me or not that is their choice. I was astonished that he is willing to loose their love and respect without fighting. Anyway...I am planning to attend a Xmas destination wedding with my kids. I told him about it in August and invited him. Of course no reply. I usually do not travel with the kids without getting a written consent for airport issu Es. And sometimes to let him know. This time I plan to stay dark until he asks about our plans for Xmas. Looking how things go I guess he will not ask. Sometimes I think he is severely depressed or in withdrawal or maybe have a n affair and enjoying his life and would love if we are not in his life. How can a good person turn that way. He has none of his old friends. Everyone arround him is new that I don't know them.
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hi Lana, You are 3 years in right? One thing, actually many things, strike me in your post.
First," he seemed broken " . My MLCer told me he felt broken, hollow, empty. It is normal to feel this way when you look at his choices. In his mind, he does not know why, he is fogged. We cannot not help them, their state of mind is : we are part of the reason they feel this way. This is Not a true statement to us but to him, it is.
2." his main focus is to make money and all his problems will be solved ". Obviously, money is his main concern right now.. Looks to me like the family is not on the radar at the moment. His priority is on himself. Trying to make his life easy.
3. My favorite statement is this one and I will tell you why.. "he was still irritable edgy sometimes which I felt walking on egg shells ".. THIS IS YOURS!!! This feeling is yours and you need to look deep into this one. It has been 3 years and your body gave you a red flag. I learned to listen to my body.
4. " I wanted to make it a special time for kids to see him and enjoy him." He needs to come forward on this one. I think it is very nice of you to want this for your children but if he is not in a good state of mind, it could back fire. Let him take action toward the kids.
5. " note he never apologized for anything he still feels a lot is my fault and sometimes he says he has to prove himself." Independence day? no you, no mom, no friends, no children, only him. It is a good start on his part. Working to prove himself to himself. Maybe when he feels better about himself, he' ll be ready to present this new him to his family, friends, children.. Unless the proof he his looking for is to justify his abandonment of everyone? Time will tell on this one.
6. " although I miss our old days living back with him in this state will be pain so maybe living back home is much better for me and kids. " I agree. more time is needed.
7." As I can see nothing will work if he keep sabotaging my efforts ". You made it clear to him that you are there for him. He knows. It is his turn to re-connect or not. I would leave it for now. It will take as long as needed. I personally want you to live your life regardless of him coming forward or not. For now, it is you and the children. They are getting the love through you and your parents. I would not worry about him.
My last one. 8." I guess if I was the nasty wife stopping him from talking to his kids he would have been fighting me all the time to see them now I guess he does not care if we are well or not as if he is not responsible for any" Good observation. By removing himself, anything that goes wrong with you and the children has nothing to do with him right? how can he be RESPONSABLE when he is not part of it? If you let the situation of his MLC take you down, you give him the justification he is so desperately searching for. You were the reason he left. If you have financial trouble, he will use it to justify his departure. You go into depression, he will use it to justify himself... The kids rebel, he will use it....Get my drift? FOG! FOG! FOG!! he does NOT realise the impact of his actions. Maybe your financial situation was caused by you being the only provider for the family? Maybe your depression was caused by a major lost in your life or an over-load of responsibilities in a fragile emotional state? Maybe your kids are reacting rebelliously because they are angry or hurt??
Your Ex may or may not reach out to you. He may chose to fix things or he may chose to leave it all behind. Either way, you have given yourself to him. The door is open and you are NOT an obstacle if he choses to re-connect with you and your children. Now I would let it be and deal with things as they come.
I would not contact. Let him do so and we'll see from there.
