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I'm wondering if it's time to end this saga.. I no longer feel anything towards the idea of trying to save my M, the only thing that I find myself really wanting is a true apology, but I don't see me ever wanting to get back together. I am really enjoying my freedom, I miss my past life when I think about it, but I don't find myself wanting to go back to it.

Is it too soon, maybe, after all it's only been 7 months since the first time I had any inkling anything was wrong.

I am still on a couple of her credit cards so I went on to make sure she was making the payments on time so I don't take another hit on my credit (she missed one payment and it showed up on my credit report), and I noticed a $100 charge from a cosmetic surgery center, as well as a $400 balance after I had paid off all of her credit cards less than a month ago. So I did start feeling a little concern that she is going to build up debt again (and possibly cosmetic surgery fees) and then I'm gonna have to take half of that when the D happens, so it may be weighing in on my feeling the need to file now.

Anyway, I went online and found a website that collects all the data and then prints out the forms to file at the court house and I started filling them out. I figure if I change my mind later, at least i'll already have the information started when I do decide to file, and it helps me to feel like I'm at least doing something to move forward (cause ya'll know I like to feel like I have control).

Not much interaction between my WW and I, just the occasional text about son, work, etc. About a week ago she did tell me something about her going to training at the FD and that I could pick my son up for dinner if I wanted (she knows I don't want anything to do with that place, including hearing about it, but I let it go and just said ok). I can pick my son up for dinner anytime he wants to go, so her having training or not isn't necessary for me to know.

Then the next day she texts me and says that son is volunteering at the FD and asked if I could bring him there, and I lost my $hit on her. I don't know if she is really that lacking in the common sense not to know that asking me to take him there would bother me, or if she just likes to deliberately take jabs, but either way I told her how I feel about it.

I think that my anger stems from her not feeling guilty, as I look around at the destruction she caused, it drives me crazy that she doesn't seem like she could care less. I will freely admit that the fire department is a trigger for me, and the more she ingrains my son into that place (he is my step son) the less that I will likely be seeing him (which isn't much as it is, maybe once every two weeks).

I invite him out a lot, but he's a teenage boy who is more into his friends and his life than wanting to spend time with dad. It doesn't surprise me, I knew that would be the case, but it has reaffirmed my desire to move out of state and I have a interview coming up next week. If I get offered the position, I would be moving out of state within 3 weeks of the interview.

As for the other girl in the office, I haven't talked to her since I came on here and posted about her. Like I said, we were two friends in the office that just enjoyed each others company and sense of humor a little too much. I just told her that because our connection as friends was so strong that it made me feel a longing to have someone in my life that I could feel that way with, and that I need to take my space and focus on myself and everything going on in my life.

We still see each other around the office, but when we converse it's very short and to the point now, and we don't IM all day on the office communicator. We never went out to eat together or spent time together in the break room, so that's not an issue. it was just about stopping the IM's and conversations...


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted By: Coconut
I'm wondering if it's time to end this saga.. I no longer feel anything towards the idea of trying to save my M, the only thing that I find myself really wanting is a true apology, but I don't see me ever wanting to get back together. I am really enjoying my freedom, I miss my past life when I think about it, but I don't find myself wanting to go back to it.


Coconut,

Speaking of enjoying your freedom; a couple days ago, on NPR, they were talking about a guy that went on a ten day hike and it turned into a year long hike.

Maybe you should buy a Harley chopper, go full hippie, and do the Easy Rider thing. Then, write a book...

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I don't know if she is really that lacking in the common sense not to know that asking me to take him there would bother me, or if she just likes to deliberately take jabs, but either way I told her how I feel about it.
[/quote]

Actually the same type of things happen to me as well....like my W said "when can I come and get my things" (moving in with OW) I'm not writing this email to upset you I just want a plan" Have a great day!!" Or even last week when she told me she was filing we were talking about her family and then "oh btw I'm starting the process of dissolution of marriage" then she wanted to talk more about my family...WTF...

So I guess maybe its lack of common sense? Or self-absorbed? Or who knows....its kind of comical if it didn't hurt/bother us so much....


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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Ummm...I guess I did not quote correctly...oops


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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They push buttons hoping for a snarky "bitter" response which makes them feel less guilty about their abHORREnt behavior. If you put your such snarky response in writing they can read it again and again or show it to others as justification for their behavior.

It's just a passive aggressive defense mechanism.

It soothes her mind that even though she feels guilty for not recovering that it never would have worked anyway because you'd have remained a bitter angry betrayed husband indefinitely and there was no way she could live under your angry bitter thumb.

It's one of the reasons you don't interact with a wayward wife through and after divorce if you are truly done. Parallel parenting.

One good thing about moving is you'll have your son's undivided attention when he comes to visit.

Take care.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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7 months ago, 7 months ago I sat down next to you to eat dinner and I told you... I opened my mouth and began months of the most torturous pain I could imagine, I told you I felt like you were distant from me, little did I know how disengaged you'd become... I didn't know you'd secretly fallin for another man, that you'd try and keep up pretenses, say things to me that would make it seem as though I was imagining things, make it seem like I was crazy...

Little did you know, little did you know that I was crazy for you... I recognized that I would need to take a back seat, that I only needed to wait a couple of years, a couple of years till I could be the center of your affection... But then you changed direction, the center of your attention was no longer, it had moved beyond him and past me, I didn't stand a chance.. Whatever you were looking for, it wasn't me.

I was devastated, I wanted nothing more than save us, I would do anything to make it work, I would do anything to be with you. But wait, that's not me, I have self respect, by God, I'm a pretty good guy... You should be so lucky...

I've moved on, I no longer need you, not even sure I want you.. Do I care if your with him, I'm just happy doing me... Then comes the reminders, sticking it in my face... I'm done with this nonsense, I only have one life to live, I need to make it the best it can be.. But what does that mean, what is the best for me?

End this charade, end the secrets and lies, say it like it is, and let me live the best years of our lives..


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Oh C-nut,

I know you keep reiterating all of this to her because you so desperately desire an apology and you want her to admit to everything she did wrong.

You can live the best years of your life without it. Please don't let this need for an apology hold you prisoner. Maybe one day it will come, maybe it won't. But please, free yourself from the need the best you can.

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I agree with Ginger C-nut. If you wait for an apology to help you with closure, you may wait a very long time - a lifetime even.

The closest XH got to an apology was something along the lines of he knew he'd made mistakes but he hoped I realised he knows what he truly wants now - a new family.

That didn't really help me at all! But it was what he had to give at that point in time.

Ultimately, we need to find that acceptance, forgiveness and sense of peace within ourselves. Our WAS may not be present for any part of that journey, or even offer us anything or be aware of the path we are on.

It's completely understandable that you feel this way, but do look within rather than 'to her' for that healing.

Take care smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey Coco,

Who really needs an apology. A door was closed, very firmly in your face. No-one needs to apologize for that.

Accept your fate. Think back on the 7 years, appreciate them. Attach no emotions to it, as all that you'll be doing is living your life in the past. And hoping for an apology in the future.

And then you truly are going to miss the best part of your life - THE PRESENT!


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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